Welcome to the Join Up Dots Podcast with Barbara Archer
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Introducing Barbara Archer
Barbara Archer is todays guest on the Join Up Dots business coaching podcast.
She is a lady who has one of the most harrowing histories that I have read about for a guest on Join Up Dots.
If you think of something bad that could happen to someone then she will have ticked it off her list.
Being the youngest of five children she grew up in a dysfunctional house, whereby a loving and supportive Mother struggled to provide the upbringing she wanted for her children due to an abusive husband.
Her Father was an alcoholic, and was abusive to her Mother, so at the age of eleven she grabbed all her children and moved out of the family home.
And as our guest says in her own words “My life was simple but good, at least we never had to worry again about my father drinking and abuse. But within a few years my life would change, as I was brutally raped at the age of 14.”
How The Dots Joined Up For Barbara
And from that point onwards her life became one intertwined with crime, prison, and a myriad of activities that was sought to numb the pain of her earlier life.
She had lost herself and couldn’t see the path that she was put on this planet to walk.
But as we see time and time again, that path can become visible at the most unexpected times, which certainly occurred to our guest.
And now she is working hard to inspire us all to take control of our own lives with her well received book “From Insanity to Sane” sharing the lessons that she has learned in her life.
So let’s find out how that moment occurred, that shone the light on the way forward?
And does she feel that a life of meaning, has to have the dark moments to fully appreciate the good that comes to us?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Barbara Archer.
During the show we discussed such weighty topics with Barbara Archer such as:
Why as long as you breathe you should never ever give up on your dreams, no matter how long they take.
Why she feels that her Mother should have taught her accountability for her actions as a youngster, which could have saved her years of heartache.
Why you start to accept and take control of your life then you will find amazing things start to happen.
How she believes that the world supports those with issues more than people who appear to have done stuff just because they can. Why are they doing this should be the question that should be asked!
How she can see that the hustle that she used to perform crime was a part of fine tuning her skills that she now uses for good.
How To Connect With Barbara Archer
You can also check our extensive podcast archive by clicking here– enjoy
Full Transcription Of Barbara Archer Interview
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK, David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:26]
Yes, hello there. How are we all Episode 290 of Join Up Dots. We have David Ralph coming from the UK. And once more, we’re going across the pond and we’re speaking to a lady in America. And we mentioned it a few times on the show just before we start the introduction, we’re getting great feedback on the elite coaching programme that we have produced, change your life elite coaching. It was something that was so many people were asking us for but we held back held back held back until it was right and now it’s going great guns now. So if you’re interested in it, jump over to the site. And we’re connect with an interview and we’re we’re find out whether you’re right for the programme. But today’s guest let’s introduce you to today’s guest. She’s a lady who has quite honestly one of the most harrowing histories I’ve read about for a guest on Join Up Dots. If you think of something bad that could happen to someone, then she would have ticked the other list. being the youngest of five children. She grew up in a dysfunctional house whereby a loving and supportive mother struggled to provide the upbringing she wanted for her children. Due to an abusive husband, a father was an alcoholic and was abusive to her mother. So at the age of 11, she grabbed older children, and moved out to the family home. As our guest says in her own words, my life was simple but good. At least, we never had to worry again about my father drinking and abuse. But within a few years, my life would change as I was brutally raped at the age of 14. And from that point onwards, her life become intertwined with crime, prison, and a myriad of activities. It was sought to numb the pain of her earlier life. she’d lost. Self and couldn’t see the path that she was put on this planet to walk. But as we see time and time again on Join Up Dots that path can become visible at the most unexpected times which certainly occurred to our guest and now she’s working hard to inspire us all to take control of our own lives with our well received book from insanity to seyn sharing the lessons that she has learned in her life. So let’s find out how that moment occurred that shone the light on the way forward and does she feel that a life of meaning has to have the dark moments to fully appreciate the good back comes to us? Well let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dance with the one and only Barbara Archer How are you Barbara
Barbara Archer [2:38]
I’m doing great this morning David How are you doing?
David Ralph [2:41]
We are both great because we’re both in our pyjamas aren’t we? We were talking about but not recording on video so we can we can just let ourselves go Barbara that’s perfect, isn’t
Barbara Archer [2:51]
it? Yes. Oh, perfect. Perfect.
David Ralph [2:55]
You lady that is it. The world isn’t looking Barbara and no one’s listening to the Show so you can share with us I you in lady about is quite happy to let herself go and just slop around in Pyjamas and, and track bottoms. Are you always the glamorous one I can see on the pictures that I’m looking at.
Barbara Archer [3:14]
I’m gonna tell you something. These days in my life, I’m very relaxed. I wasn’t always like that way I used to be a very vain person. But now I can just let myself go. In fact, I’m gonna tell you the picture that you’re looking at was a picture of me like several years ago, maybe two years ago, when I allowed my real hair to grow. And what you see there is a shortcut with that the lady that does my hair, she designed it. But now right after my book came out, that’s when I took off the wig. And I’m letting my hair down and it’s down my back and I’m loving it because I’m in a new place in my life now. So just thought I shared it with you
David Ralph [3:55]
know that that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it because what you’re saying in that is that you are becoming Who you should be you’re just being authentic. You’re not trying to say a part, you’re just going, this is me. And this is what I want to look like. I’m actually I’ll be honest, I’m letting myself go at the moment. And I don’t mean to let myself go, but I had this destroy Barbara. But if my hair gets long, it starts winding people up. As we say, in the United Kingdom, it annoys people. And so I like to let it get longer and longer to see how many people get annoyed by it. But I’m that I’m now at that point now thinking I’ve got to do something about it. I’m starting to look like a great gal. I can’t keep going with this is not good for a man of my age. So when you when you are absolutely authentic to yourself, do you think that is the point when things start coming together for you?
Barbara Archer [4:43]
Yes, it does. The main key David is that a person must be real with themselves. If you can be real with yourself. You will not be real with no one. That’s what I’ve learned.
David Ralph [4:54]
And wasn’t a lesson that has taken a long time for you to learn where you somebody in your earlier years. Is that would like most of us, I suppose play a part because of peer pressure or, or social conformity?
Barbara Archer [5:07]
Oh yes. In fact, just growing up in a dysfunctional household, you know, you learn how to put on a mask because you don’t want others to see what’s really going on. So you can never be transparent. So I lived a life of, you know, putting on a front allowing people to see what I want them to see. And doing that it really didn’t help me because I was never allowed to be myself. I lost myself in the process of it. And now at my age, I’m 47. And I found myself and I love myself and it doesn’t matter what anyone think or say about me, I am me and I’m being who I am for once in my life, so I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
David Ralph [5:53]
Well, good on you here. We got a lot to give you a round of applause there because that that that really is the most To all the listeners out there, you’ve got to start loving yourself and not in a sort of weird way, but you’re going around kissing mirrors and stuff. But I say to my kids, I say, who loves your dad? And I go, yeah, I go, but you love yourself more, don’t you because I do think it’s important that self esteem, really, you’ve got to be happy, and you gotta love yourself. And my kids are certainly grasping that fact. But it’s not a weird thing to say, I love myself, but it’s actually part of allowing yourself to grow and develop because you’re comfortable in your own skin.
Barbara Archer [6:31]
Yes, so true. So true. You know, I just, I love being who I am. Because at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. You know, people come and go in your life, you know, but you’re gonna have to live with yourself for a long time. So why not love yourself? Right?
David Ralph [6:47]
I agree with that. Totally. So So let’s take you back in time. So when when he was a child, he was the youngest of five children and you are growing up in a household you classify as dysfunctional but I would say that most people Families are dysfunctional. Really? Yes. What was it harder being the youngest one? Were you always the one that sort of scrambling around for the remains? Or was it that the love came to you? Where was your position within those five?
Barbara Archer [7:15]
The love came to me the most. And what started out. I am the youngest of five. And I did get a lot of love from my mother and my father. In fact, my father, nicknamed me, buddy, you know, we were very close. And he always gave me more than he gave my other siblings. And the sad part about it was that it caused a rap. I mean, it caused controversy between me and my siblings, even today, and it’s been 40 some years later, and it’s still the tension still there because my father he favoured me the most because I looked more at like his side of the family. I am an African American woman, but I’m a very little Light complexion, African American woman, and my siblings were not. So I got a little bit more attention based upon the colour of my skin that he liked the most. I know it sounds sick, but that’s how I grew up. And it caused a lot of strife with my siblings. So I was very much loved as a child by my mother and my father day shadow me in love and gifts all the time. And I remember at Christmas time, I would get more gifts I would have like 1520 presents under the tree, but my siblings only had like three or four so that’s how I grew up.
David Ralph [8:38]
But but that’s kind of nice for you, but that’s gonna be difficult as well. Where were you aware but it was a bit. The balance wasn’t quite right bear it was coming to you.
Barbara Archer [8:49]
And knew even as a child, it was not right. But I enjoyed the attention that my father gave me. I also enjoyed that tension that my mother gave me as well. And when I look back, my mother was a very broken woman herself. So she really didn’t know, you know, because a lot of times when we know better, we do better. So I try to live by that principle in my life. And I tried to impart that on my children as well. So it was just dysfunction period, even with my mother, she had a very damaged soul. And I think she wasn’t even aware of it at the time herself what she was doing because she didn’t realise that she would pass that down. And as we get older, she would no longer be with us. And it was still caused trouble between me and my siblings. So I believe that she just didn’t realise what she was actually doing.
David Ralph [9:46]
So if we went back in time, which we will do too, and spoke to the young Barbara what what would she have wanted to be what what was the dreams and the aspirations because one of the things that we find more and more Barbara is there’s a strong connection with path that people find. That’s right. And a younger self is the bit in the middle that kind of goes all over the shop and we lose track of ourselves. So is there similarities between the very young Barbara and yourself but you can see now
Barbara Archer [10:15]
there is absolutely no similarities whatsoever between the young barber and the barber that I am today. If I could go back in time for one moment and say a word to the young Barber, that word would be obedience. Because that’s something that I never had, as a child growing up, no obedience, no structure whatsoever, and no accountability. You know, my mother never made me accountable for anything in life. So I went through life, all those years, thinking I can do whatever I want, do whatever I want to do to people and with no regard. So that is They are the words I would say to that young Barber, you know, obedience? Definitely. And accountability.
David Ralph [11:09]
And do you do? Obviously he’s not good to have any regrets. But do you look back on that, that parenting skills that your mother had and think to yourself? It kind of all started where because, obviously, being sort of a mean to people and doing things without any regard to the effects and the cause and effects of it all seems to have a link to where you ended up in prison and stuff later on. Yes. Did you look back on that and think I could have nipped it in the bud light in the very early stage.
Barbara Archer [11:41]
Oh, definitely. David amenia day I look back and say, Wow, you know, if only I had that accountability, then my life would have turned out a whole lot different, you know, but I never had that structure. Growing up. You know, my mother wanted to appease me and she thought that That was love. But not to say that she did not love me because I know she loved me. But she’s set me up in life to fail. And she didn’t realise that you know, so I know with my children, everything that my mother did growing up. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve done the total opposite when raising my children. And I found out one thing, my way works.
David Ralph [12:28]
So well, you very strong with your own kids on accountability. Did you see the errors in your ways? And is that one of the key lessons that you pass on?
Barbara Archer [12:37]
Yes, it is. David very much. So I’ve learned in life, that children need to be accountable for what they do and their actions because if they are not accountable, they will go through life making the same mistakes that what I’ve made. So I have taught my children that you don’t give up and you do not quit just because times get tough. You can Hang in there. You may not like how it feels at that moment, but you stick with it, you know, and it has worked. My son is 23 My daughter’s 19. Not one time in my life have I ever had to discipline them with a spanking, or punishment or anything, you know, I’ve set down I’ve talked with them. And they have been my friends. They were times I had to be a mother and step up to the plate. But I relate to them in a different way I talk with them, I don’t yell at them. I’ve never screamed at them. And I’ve always just taken my time and sit down with them. And that method works because children are people as well and you don’t have to yell at the child in order to get a child to do you don’t have to threaten a child for them to do what is right because at the end of the day, they just want to be loved. And they want to know that you love them with an unconditional love. So what I have done these years has definitely, I mean, definitely have worked. And I’m very proud of both of my children.
David Ralph [14:10]
And and some of you children, I’m not sure if all of them were actually born while you were in prison.
Barbara Archer [14:16]
Well, I’m gonna tell you, my son, I had my son, the first time I went to prison. And when I had my son, I had to sign custody papers over to my mother and my sister because I still had a little bit of time left to serve on my sentence. So my son and I was separated for a while after he was born. And then my last child, that was the I would say, that’s the last nail in the coffin because I gave birth to her. In fact, I didn’t know what I even had. The, I mean, I really didn’t care. I was very disconnected. And when I gave birth to this child, couple days later, that’s when all the warrants started to come back and I ended up back in prison but that was the turning point in my life. So I look at that child today as she was my miracle child because when I did what I did, that was the that was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done and the most cruellest thing that I’ve ever done. So that was the turning point. You know, I definitely hit rock bottom at that point in my life. So when you hit rock bottom, you can’t go nowhere except for up and not too long after that, that’s when my life fully turned around. And I’m the woman that I am today.
David Ralph [15:39]
So so what what caused you to spiral into crime? Obviously, we touched on the introduction about the unfortunate rape and obviously I don’t want to go into that area. But was was it was that a key point or was everything around you just leading you on that path? anyway?
Barbara Archer [15:58]
Um, it was that It was the rape that did it. Because prior to that, we were just very happy just to not be with my father and the abuse and the alcohol and so forth. So, when that occurred in my life, my mother thought that she couldn’t love me past the pain. You know, I never went to see a counsellor or a doctor or anything. In fact, my mother, she never even press charges. And that left a very devastating impact on my life because I could not imagine a mother not wanting to get her children help and not wanting to make this person pay for what they did to their child. So it left me very cold and distant, and I started to act out and I just started hanging out with the wrong people. And before I knew it and left me on a just just a life of crime. You know, it seems like that criminal activity is what gave me some type of it was soothing agents for me. And it helped with my pain. But it was just temporarily and I could have turned to drugs or alcohol. And even when I went to court many times the judge continuously asked me, are you on drugs? And I’m like, no. And he could not believe it because the type of crime that I was committing was related to drug abuse, you know, and I was like, no one I remember the last time I went to court and he asked me four times, and I says, No, I’m not a drug addict. And he said, three years in prison, I’m like, because I told the truth. I’m sitting in I mean, I’m standing and I’m like, I can’t believe this, you know. So it really opened up my eyes to the world that we live in today. And it seems like that the world loves dysfunctional, crippled people, you know, if you have that type of sickness, They seem to go a lot easier on your sentencing versus if you just joined this just because, and I was doing it just because
David Ralph [18:10]
that’s a fascinating point. Because there’s a lot of people out there that do do stuff just because and after the event, they look at it, and I’m not even sure why they’ve done it. And I think if I look back in my life, I’ve done certain things, nothing too bad at all. But I look back on them. And I think, what was I really doing there? I don’t really actually know why I was even in that position that I was I was doing those kind of things. It’s not me. I must have just been doing things. Because so you think that is that a truth that runs through? Obviously, America, and I can imagine it’s the same over here. But if you’ve got issues, they will go soft on you and just going well, we don’t understand why you’re doing it. So bang, you’re going down?
Barbara Archer [18:53]
Yes, because I see a set in prison, David and I saw women that were drug addicts, you know, and I saw them just coming in maybe 20, maybe 20 some days in, in prison, and then they would get released, go to a rehabilitation place for 90 days, okay. And then the rest of this sentencing is placed on probation and able to go home. And I’m like, okay, I don’t have a drug problem. I don’t have an alcohol problem. But you got to give me three years, you know, and I mean, my crime was was no more different than theirs. You know, they had distribution charges, you know, and I’m like, that to me, that’s a higher felony than what what I was doing so I really couldn’t understand it. And it really opened up my eyes that the world loves misfits.
David Ralph [19:45]
So So what were you actually what what were your crimes? Obviously, you say that they drug related but you weren’t taking the drugs? You was right. What happened? What was the point?
Barbara Archer [19:55]
Well, know what happened. At first I started out hanging around some drug dealers, and it was just a fast life was fast money. It was the luxury of being around them on
David Ralph [20:12]
Barbara Archer [20:13]
Um, I was like 21 years old. Okay,
David Ralph [20:17]
so so it was a long time after the incident.
Barbara Archer [20:19]
Yeah, it was a long time. But even prior to that I did little things, you know, like I would go into stores I would steal you know, I would write bad checks you know, I would do things like that. And then after a while, that didn’t satisfy me. So it led to other crimes and then before you knew it, I was stealing cars, hot wiring cars, was still into parts. You know, selling the parts. We were breaking into homes, robbing people. And this one home that we did rob the neighbour sauce and she was she called the police and police came and Police question us read Assad rights and so forth. And they really didn’t have a whole lot to go by. So they let us go. But they wanted us to come down to do a lie detector tests. And I agree that I would go to take the test, and I did. And I passed the test. So that really surprised me. I was like, wow, you know, so I realised, well, you
David Ralph [21:24]
did you lie on the test, or were you totally Oh,
Barbara Archer [21:27]
yes. I lied on it. Yes, yes. Yes, definitely. Um, and then they let us go. And they was going to press charges. But now I’m just going to say this. I’m just going to leave it at that. The witness that actually saw us she never did testify. My girlfriend’s boyfriend, he was a Jamaican drug dealer. And he went over to her house and had a talk with her and now just leave it at that. So nothing really came about it. So I continued on that path because I felt Well, I got away with this. So what’s next on the list for me to do? And it just started, I just kept going and I could not stop myself. And at the time, I was about five months pregnant still doing these crimes. And I says, I need to stop. I need to go back home. So I went home to my mother and she cared for me and but right before my, you know, I did go off to prison for that short time because one warrant came back for me. And I just continued on that path. You know, I thought after I had my son, I’m done with this lifestyle. And I was done with the stealing and robbing and stealing the cars. You know, I was done with that. But then I picked up another criminal activity, which was writing bad checks and I went all throughout, from city to city County. county state the state, you know, I would get an address in a new state. So I can show residency, and I would go to the bank and open up an account. And, you know, just start to shop and it came that I would buy things that are really the need. I didn’t need these things. But I loved the things that was bright, shiny, and I was attracted to it. So that led me for several years doing that. And finally, every check that I ever written, came back to me and when it came back, I had 42 counts of felony theft
David Ralph [23:41]
is astonishing, listening to that story, because on many of the shows, on Join Up Dots, we talk about the hustle muscle, the ability to actually hustle to make things happen. And we generally talk about it in a positive way, but people will get their success because of that. Now you you’re hustling Yeah, you’re hustling big time to make these things happen. And although definitely Is that something that you’ve always had, and you’re now using the good?
Barbara Archer [24:09]
Yes, I’m definitely when I think back my father, he taught me how to gamble even as a child, you know, he taught me how to shoot craps. I mean, he taught me everything you know, so I learned a lot from him. I learned how to hustle. I learned that skill of being a fast talker. You know, that’s a skill that I acquired from my father. But now I can use those same exact skills, but I use them for good now, you know. So when I look back over it, each of us are born with certain gifts and certain talents. And it depends on us how we use those gifts and talents. You can either use them for good or for evil, and back then it was time for evil, but now I use them for good. So That’s my take on it.
David Ralph [25:03]
I think it’s a valid take, isn’t it? And I think you know, no experience is wasted. And if you are in a job that is terrible, learn something that you can take with you, because it’s all about developing to your future. And the fact that you were hustling, you know, for wrong. Really, you are, there’s no getting away from what you were doing was wrong. But you you were you were showing mental agility, weren’t you? You were you were hustling you were putting yourself out you were doing stuff. Which, if you had gone back in time, you could have done in for the good. I’m no doubt that you would have been successful.
Barbara Archer [25:39]
Yes, yes, definitely. You know, I mean, even now, in my business that I’m in right now, I’m constantly hustling, you know, just constantly because, but it’s in a good way, you know, because I’m trying to be the best, you know, so, I just get up every morning with that anticipation, right? This is the day I’m going to make it happen. And I go after And I don’t stop until I achieve greatness each day. So, you know, we do have that ability in us, it’s up to us to use it for the good instead of the bad, you know, so nothing is wasted, nothing, even the good, the bad, nothing is ever wasted in your life, you know, you just have to decide that is this is the day that you’re going to turn things around in your life, and you’re going to be good at it, you know, and that’s where I’m at. Now. I’m being good where I’m at, and it works for me and I’ve been this way now for the past 19 years, you know, and I’ve been on the right path.
David Ralph [26:41]
But let’s play some words now that really talks about how life can beat you down and it’s your, your, as we say, mental agility. It’s what you do after it beats you. That is so important. This is Rocky Balboa,
Rocky Balboa [26:54]
you me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take it keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.
David Ralph [27:10]
It’s really true with your life, isn’t it? Because you, you’ve gone through things I can’t even imagine and it would be wrong for me to even hint that I could imagine. But you you’ve come out strong at the other side. And it is it purely as he says about dusting yourself bounding going again. Is it? Is it just bad?
Barbara Archer [27:30]
Um, yes, it is, um, a lot of times in life, we cannot just we can’t choose what life throws at us. Sometimes life gonna deal you a bad hand. You know, but if you can take the good and find some good in that bad, right? You’d be able to come out. And a lot of times, some of us don’t do that. And the word that I would use is perseverance. You know, you continue to persist Severe you don’t give up. You know, as long as there is breath in your body, you may get knocked down. Like I tell people all the time. Yes, I’ve taken a mini hit in my day. But there was something on the inside of me, even as a child that never allowed me to give up. I knew there had to be an opposite of this life. You know, and I was determined one day I was going to find the opposite of this insanity. It has to be an opposite. Always, you know, and I found that opposite. So the word I would give someone today that’s listening, perseverance, you know, you take a blow, you get up, you dust yourself off, and you keep going and you never stop fighting and you never stopped giving up.
David Ralph [28:50]
So it is it is the biggest crime in life really people that give up or, or is it worse when they don’t even start?
Barbara Archer [28:58]
I believe it’s worse. When you don’t even stop, you know, so often, you can go through life and life can beat you down to the place that you don’t have no more fight left in you. And I’ve been there one time in my life, you know, and it led me the night that I tried to commit suicide. So I do know that also well, but I would say to anyone else listening, just do the best that what you can do, Where you at, you know, and never allow your circumstances to define you as a person. Because one of the things that what I’ve learned is what a person what a person does is not who they are. And we have to get to a place that we can separate the person from what they do. And that takes time. That’s not an easy road. It’s taken me 30 years to get there. But that
David Ralph [29:59]
is up problem, isn’t it really because people do think that the job they do is is them? You know, if you say to people, you know, what do you do? They’re not gonna say, you know, I love life I enjoy myself. They’re gonna say I’m a milkman. I’m a boxer that they’re always gonna say the the role that they play on a
Barbara Archer [30:18]
Yes, yes, you know, so you have to see yourself in a different way. You have to see yourself getting out of your situation that you’re in, and you have to start to call those things as if they are, you know, and that’s what I do in my life. You know, I used to always say, one day, I’m not gonna live like this. You know, I may be here today, but this is not where I’m going to end up at. And every day I kept telling myself that over and over again, you know, and here today, here I am for it all. I stand before you today, so I know that it works, but you have to work it every single day of your life and you have renewed your mind. And that’s the biggest key to renew your mind. Get that old slavery mentality out and embrace the new you, whatever that new you is. Embrace it.
David Ralph [31:16]
I need to ask you a question and I’m grappling with the weather even to ask this question, but I’m gonna ask it anyway, when you tried to commit suicide, and obviously because you’re now here, it didn’t work. Thank God it didn’t work. When you kind of came to or you realise that it didn’t work. Were you disappointed or were you relieved?
Barbara Archer [31:38]
I would say I was relieved. You know, that was a very difficult time in my life. I was married, and I married an abusive man. And after I had finally got the strength to leave and walk away, my heart felt like it was broken into I’ve never had that type of pain towards anyone because until that time in my life, I never loved anyone but myself. So he was the first person that I truly loved. And I was, I mean, I was crushed, and I did not want to live any longer. And the night that it happened, you know, I was in the bathroom. And, you know, I took the pills, and I looked at myself in the mirror. And at that time, I did this when God spoke to me. And he said, I didn’t bring you through everything that you’ve gone through for your story to end like this. You know, and I started to cry and I fell down in the bathroom, you know, and praise be to God that they got to me in time, and I’m here today. So that’s what I say to people and so often people say that Why would never do that to myself. You never know what you may do to yourself because sometimes life can hit you very hard. And you feel that you don’t have no other way out and you tie it because you’ve been fighting for so long that you just tired in the fight can wear you out the storms of life can drag you into the pit if you let it. You know, but one thing what I was saying, life is for the living, and you have to live your life and a lot of it was my own mistakes. You know, there was a part of me that knew this man was not the right man for me. But I’m married in many ways, so I had to own up to my own. I couldn’t no longer blame someone else. I had to accept my own responsibilities here and that’s part of the healing process is accept your part in that dysfunction. And so often, we don’t want to do that we want to blame the other person will she did this to me and he did best to me. When I say to women today What is your role? Because there were signs there, you need to look out for those signs, and you need to run in the opposite direction, you know. So once I accepted my part in it, the healing process began
David Ralph [34:13]
just before we move on to the lighter side of your life, because I really want to talk about your book and everything that you’re doing now. Well, when when you were in prison, and you’ve got three years in front of you, which I can’t, I can’t imagine and the sale is sort of kind of shocked on you that first night. Do you kind of think to yourself, okay, I’ve just got to get through this, or do you think to yourself, I don’t think I can get through this.
Barbara Archer [34:38]
Oh, I lay there that first night and I cried, because I could not believe that. This is where my life ended up at. You know, and I thought, I’m not going to be able to do this. I’m going to lose my mind. I just knew I was going to lose my mind. And that night I laid there and I had this pamphlet that someone had given me and I had that on my chest. And I’m looking out across the room, and it was cold and dark. And I saw something that really scared me. And I was like, if this is what I got to put up with for the next three years, I’m not going to be able to do it, you know, and I really thought I would lose my mind, you know, but a couple of days after my attorney head came out there to see me. And he said to me, Barbara, I’m going to file an appeal, because I felt that the sentencing was too much. So I says, Well, you do what you have to do. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m just going to try to get through what I have to get through. And a couple weeks later, I did get the letter, that the appeal has been accepted and I was able to get out on bail. Till the next hearing, so I was able to come home. Finally, after paying a $50,000 bail, I was able to come home and be with my two children. Knowing that I would have one more sentencing that I would stand before judge again, but I figured let me just get out and have some time with my children. And whatever happens after that it happens. So I had like three and a half months home before I had to go back to court again.
David Ralph [36:31]
And was that the hardest part? To me, being with my children and knowing that I’ve got to leave them for that time. When you sound like you’re you at the moment or you you probably on the journey to thinking, this is it. I’m changing. I want it to start now. I don’t want it to start three months or four years time I want to start now I want to become a better person I want to move forward was that incredibly hard to say goodbye to your kids. Knowing that you were going back into this environment. You’re trying to escape from
Barbara Archer [37:02]
it was very hard David it truly was was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because that’s not the life that I want it for my children. I wasn’t too worried about myself because I did this to myself. But at the time, I didn’t realise that what I do to me, it had an effect on my children. So I was starting to see some of the dysfunction that I said, As a child, I never want to have started to impart that on my children without even realising it. So that hurt me even more that hurt me more than actually being separated from them. Because I grew up. I grew up in that environment, and I did not want that for my children. But that night, you know, that day when I was there, and I was on my wits and they thought I was going to commit suicide because I was hysterical. I went down to see the psychiatrist. They you know, they Wanted to shackle me down out of fear. I may do something to myself, but me and my smart mouth and my smart wit, I was able to convince them that I would be okay. And I went back upstairs. And I went into the bathroom. And I went into the stall. And at that moment, that’s when I fell down on my knees, and I cried out to God like I’ve never had before. And at that point, about couple hours later, I was released, and I came home to my children. But I did have to go back like I said, three and a half months later for a sentencing. And when I did, to my surprise, I didn’t have to serve not one more day. So I was never ever again separated from my children. One on my appeal, and the judge. He suspended my three year sentence that he had put originally, and he put me on three years probation, one year supervise the remaining two years unsupervised. I had to come At 233 hours of community service, no restitution, and that was on 36 counts of felony theft. So the nightmare was finally over. And I was able to be with my children, and live a decent life and just be happy. And that’s the end of my prison record at that time. You know, when everything finally ended, I was 38 years old.
David Ralph [39:30]
That’s a huge part of your life. But you’re still Yes, you’re still a young lady on the bus. Yeah. And yes, we had a chap on the show a couple of episodes ago, who basically found his path at the age of 60. And he says, You’re never too late to make a go at it. There’s you’re never too old for success to come your way. So at the age of 38, did you think to yourself, God, I’ve wasted so much time I’ve got to get going. Were you a lady on a mission at that stage?
Barbara Archer [39:57]
Yes, I was. Yes, I was. You know, I think felt that so much of my life was gone, you know, and I was like, now I just have to go hard at everything you know. So I did you know, I went back to school, and I got myself a licence as a chaplain, and I would go into the prisons, and I would counsel and teach the women inmates. So I did that for seven years. That was very rewarding. And I enjoyed it very much, you know, but still felt there was still something else that I’m not doing with my life. I felt as though that there’s something else that’s missing, I need to be doing something else. But then it took me several years it took me from that time in my life, I would say until just now that I’m actually living my life on purpose now. So I’ve come into my calling and what I was meant to do, because I believe we all were meant to do something in this world, you know, and this about discovering your purpose, you know, and So many people, they go on a job every day and they not fully happy, you know, they they are because the money is good. But are they really satisfied with they doing? No, they not, you know, so but when you can find your purpose, your true purpose, that is the most thrilling, exciting thing that you could ever do in life. And I found that, you know, and it’s the one thing that I did not like, has become my purpose. So that’s amazing, isn’t
David Ralph [41:28]
it? Well, it’s amazing for you, and I’m really pleased for you. But it’s not amazing at all, because I hear that every single day. You do. Yeah. And it almost seems to be that the thing that we were put on earth to do is so easy for us to do. We don’t realise that we should be doing it and that’s, you know, that’s the the crime as opposed that we waste so many years, looking for things that are actually in front of us all the time, but we just can’t see it for some reason. And sometimes it might mean a friend says to you, do you know what you should be doing in You really should be doing that. Or it should be a mother or whatever. But for ourselves, we can’t just grasp it because it’s bear in front of us. Find your passion, find your passion. It’s right in front of you, but you can’t see it. Right? Yes, yes,
Barbara Archer [42:14]
yes. And that was me. You know, I had no idea that I could that I would enjoy writing. You know, when I wrote my book, I wrote it in under 60 days, you know, and I published it like three months after that. So I couldn’t believe that I could actually write a book. I didn’t think I had it in me. I didn’t think that I could start my own magazine company. I didn’t think I could host my own radio platform. I didn’t know any of this, you know, but I knew I always had a gift. I always had the gift of gab. So I was always a good talker. You know. So when I look back over and I’m like, you know what, Barbara, you were crazy to think that you couldn’t do this. I mean, you’ve been talking and running your mouth for years. He does. Now I do it. And I love You know, and I love to teach women on transformation. That’s what I do. And I enjoy it, because so many women are bound today by their pasts, and things that they have done and have experienced. So I want to be able to teach women that take the pain that you’ve gone through in life, and you turn that into your purpose. Because that’s truly where you will find your purpose is in your pain. That’s where it’s at, and then turn it into a business. It can be done,
David Ralph [43:32]
it can be done, and I’m going to play some words now by a lady that we all know. And we all love Oprah Winfrey, and she she made a fantastic speech recently, and this is a small part of it, where she talks about that moment when you get that idea and you think to yourself, this is what I want to do, but it seems too big. And so you pass it away and you decide not to do it. This is Oprah.
Oprah Winfrey [43:55]
The way through the challenge is to get still an asset. yourself, what is the next right move? not think about, Oh, I got all of this stuff. What is the next right move? And then from that space, make the next right move, and the next right move, and not to be overwhelmed by it. Because you know, your life is bigger than that one moment, you know, you’re not defined by what somebody says, is a failure for you. Because failure is just there to point you in a different direction.
David Ralph [44:26]
So really key point, isn’t it? But when you get that idea of what to do, it seems too big. And he’s absolutely right. But but with yourself, you had no idea how to do your radio platform, you know, had no idea how to self publish, you had no idea you had no idea, no idea nothing. So you just do one thing, and then you do another thing. And then you keep on moving forward and slowly, slowly, slowly, something starts to form in front of you.
Barbara Archer [44:53]
Yes, yes. That is so true. They are Words To Live By, you know, and so often, yes, I was thinking to myself Barbra, can you really do this? This is too big. You’ve never done this before, you don’t have no experience don’t have no background, you don’t have the education in this area, what are you going to do? But what I did is that I got in front of my computer, and that became my best friend, I would Google everything I would read everything I can get my hands on to. And I just started to take steps every single day. You know, one step in one step led to the second step, and, you know, the third and a fourth and so on. And I committed myself to reaching at least three people every day in the industry that I’m working in. And I would commit myself to making three contacts every single day. And one contact would lead to another and to another and and before you know it, I mean, all the doors started to open up for me, you know, so I would tell anyone that as long as you breathe it, don’t give up on your dreams. You know, because when you give up on your dreams, your children They are watching you, and you think they not paying attention and they are and they will learn that behaviour as well. So you want to be able to pass that on to your children that never give up on your dreams. So what I’m showing my children today is continue to persevere, never give up. You know, you stay in the fight, give it everything you have, you know, but most importantly, find your true purpose in life because that is the only thing that’s going to make you happy. I’ve worked in the mortgage industry for years. Yes, the money was good. It gave me a good life. But for so many years, I made other people rich. I’m like Now it’s time I make some money for myself.
Unknown Speaker [46:44]
David Ralph [46:45]
But that’s what it’s about, isn’t it?
Barbara Archer [46:47]
Yes. You know, instead of giving everyone else all your talent or your gift or your ability, put that into your own business, you know, and make money for yourself that is going to go directly into your bank account and not there.
David Ralph [47:00]
Isn’t and it’s not greedy is it? That that’s, that’s the key thing. I think. I think for many years, I thought to myself if I was, you know, taking me, me, me, then that was a bad thing. But now I totally realise but by building something, but you are providing so much value to the world so much what the world ones you don’t have to do Me, me, me, it comes to you naturally. And yes, that that is an eye opener. It’s been an eye opener to me with this show, but I get so many opportunities. And most of them I don’t take up on because I just haven’t got the time. But you can make be making a very good living if you focus only on what you’re giving to the world.
Barbara Archer [47:42]
Yes, definitely. Definitely, you know, and it’s nothing like it, you know? So, right now, you know, that’s the title of my magazine. It’s Be who you are. And that’s what I’m being And I want every person to be who they are, who they were intended to be. You know, and I think That’s the greatest gift that we can leave our children behind us. I
David Ralph [48:05]
totally agree. Totally agree that is the perfect legacy, isn’t it? But but all our kids?
Barbara Archer [48:10]
Yes, it is. Yes, it is, you know, so often we feel that, you know what, I’ll leave my children, all the money that I have all the riches of the world, you know, and I’m gonna tell you something had doesn’t make a person happy and that does not make a person successful to me. Success to me is living on purpose and letting your children see that you have persevere in spite of everything that may have been thrown your way and you continue to move on. And the greatest gift that you can leave your children is the gift of love. That’s the legacy that I want to leave my children love that they know that Mommy loves them and everything that I’m doing, I’m doing For them, you know, that is what I want to leave my children behind one day, so that they will in turn, leave that to their children one day, and continue as a family no matter what, and me and my two children, we call ourself The Three Musketeers with very, very close, you know, very close. And, you know, life hasn’t always been easy for us. But we’ve always been there for one another, you know, and we will always have each other’s back no matter what. So I’m very blessed to have two wonderful children in my life.
David Ralph [49:35]
I think that’s the perfect way to bring us almost to the end of the show. But it would be remiss of me not to play the theme of the show. And the theme of the show is the words that Steve Jobs, the late Apple founder said back in 2005, and they are going to be so perfect for you. I just know, this is. This is Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [49:55]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [50:30]
So I don’t even have to ask this question. But when you look back, the your dots line up. Can you see how you got to this point, just like Steve is saying.
Barbara Archer [50:40]
Yes, I definitely see how I got here. And so often, you know, we always say well, in order to know where you’re going, you have to go back. And I believe that is so true because the answers is always there. We just have to look for them. So when I look back over my life, definitely everything that was I’ve gone through it. The dots were connected that it got me exactly where I’m supposed to be in time right now. Yes, there were some detours. But even through the detours, it’s just like a GPS. If you start out in your car with your GPS, it may take you one road. But you may make a wrong turn. But if you make that wrong turn and guess what that GPS is going to do. It’s going to reroute you Where you at, and you will still end up at your destination
David Ralph [51:31]
is a big.in your life I always love asking this question when you look back on it, but you go Yeah, but that really was the moment when I became fully realised I became who I should be.
Barbara Archer [51:45]
That happened in 2012. That’s when the light bulb went off in my head. That was the turning point in my life when everything, everything that I love that I cared about the most got away from And I lost everything. And and that turning point that’s when I realised there have to be something else out here for me, other than what I’m doing right now. And I had to sit back and I had to evaluate my life and see, how did I get here? And I saw how I got here. I yes, I got delivered from a life of crime, but I still had that same slavery mentality, and still not feeling good about myself still feeling like a reject a rejected individual feeling loss, and every decision that I’ve made in life stem from that, so I had to gain the confidence that I needed in order to persevere in my life where I’m at today. So definitely, I would say that 2012 was the turning point for me in my life. And it got me right on track where I met today, and I had to take that time. Do some soul searching and figure out what am I doing wrong so that I can make it right.
David Ralph [53:07]
La I love and I’m gonna love to hear what you say you’ve already alluded to what you would say if you could go back in time to speak to your younger self, but we’re going to do that now. And if you could go back in time and speak to the younger Barbara, what age would you choose and what advice would you give? Well, I’m gonna play the theme tune and win it. This is the Sermon on the mic.
Barbara Archer [53:51]
I would go back to the age of 14 years old when I was brutally raped. My mother did not approve of this person that was in my life that I had met. And because of my disobedience and not obeying my mother, I ended up in a place one night that I should not have. And that’s when my life that was the night that Barbara, young, innocent Barbara died, and this other person came to life. And that person that came to life was a very wicked person. So definitely the age of 14. I would say to any young person, listen to your parents. They know far more than what we know. We can only see up the street but they can sit around a corner down the block of the road, because they’ve already been there and done that and they already know what the outcome is going to be. So just listen to your parents because they love you don’t think for a second that they don’t want you to have a good life. They don’t want you to have friends. They don’t want you to enjoy your life. They do, but they know what will happen. And when we step out in disobedience, we no longer under that protection we are not own. So life can come at us from many different ways and it can take you down very quick. So just watch the decisions that you make. Because once someone takes a part of you, they actually take your soul. And that was what was taken from me. They took my soul and it has taken me 32 years to get that back. So definitely, just be obedient and walk in obedience, and be all that you can be and never let no one define who you are as a person. Because what I may do is not who I am. And be very careful because you never know the person that you may deny or read. checked. That same person may one day be a blessing to you.
David Ralph [56:05]
How can our audience connect with you Barbara?
Barbara Archer [56:09]
Well, I’ma tell you something you can connect with me on facebook from insanity to seyn. My website is www dot from insanity to seyn.com. And my email address is Barbara ba, ba ra at from insanity to seyn.com everything is from insanity the same. So definitely if you type in anything from insanity the same you’re going to pull me up regardless of where you at. And my book is called tell all from insanity the same and you can get that on amazon.com as well as in the UK as firstname.lastname@example.org. So yes, I would love to hear from any of you women. I love receiving emails, so definitely hit me up because you’re not alone. Just Know that What happened to me? And I was able to turn everything around in my life. You can do that as well. You don’t have to stay where you at. There’s a, you know what? I’m 47. But this is the best part of my life because the 40 is the new 20.
David Ralph [57:21]
Barbara, I hope that’s true, because I’m 44 so I’m so so yeah, we’re 20 year olds together. Barbara, thank you so much for spending time with us today joining those dots. And please come back again when you have more dots to join up because I do believe by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Baba, thank you so much.
Barbara Archer [57:42]
Thank you have a great day, David and thank you for having me on the show.
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you are wants to become so he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two That changed his life. Head over to Join Up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.