Welcome to the Join Up Dots Podcast with Jaime Pfeffer
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Introducing Jaime Pfeffer
Jaime Pfeffer is today’s guest on Join Up Dots business coaching podcast.
She is a lovely lady who from her core, believes that we can all have a lovely life.
She loves nothing more than teaching the world the tools to find our life bliss.
Yes, come on listeners if you have only got one thing from listening to Join Up Dots everyday then it should be this.
If you are slogging your way through life, feeling exhausted, and wondering why life is so hard, then you are travelling along the wrong path. You need to work out why you can’t get out of bed each day, with a “Yay, its a new day” shout.
How The Dots Joined Up For Jaime
She is just about to bring to the world a new project called “14 Day Radical Self Love Challenge” and has also just launched her Uplift Membership Group.
But this isn’t a story of someone who is a naturally bouncy person, and was always on an inspirational helping others kind of gig.
As she has gone from a severely anxious and depressed woman for most of her 35 years to an empowered, inspiring woman doing amazing things, conquering her fears and teaching others how to do the same!
So what was it in her past that led to her feeling so anxious about the future, and what she was doing in her life? And are there simple steps that the listeners can take forward
Well let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Jaime Pfeffer
During the show we discussed weighty topics with Jaime Pfeffer such as:
How she used to battle with hitting levels of perfection that were unattainable in her life, and struggled with the worlds perceived perception of her.
How she came to the realisation that she had to give more time to herself, instead of giving it to everyone else all the time.
How she started to see vultures circling in her garden and found out that she was coming to the end of a two year cycle.
Why it is so important in life and so much easier much easier to be in a positive mind-set than a negative one.
Why it is so important to allow yourself to be quiet and allow the little voice come through to show you the direction that you should be travelling.
How To Connect With Jaime Pfeffer
Or check out every podcast from our extensive articles here
Full Transcription Of Jaime Pfeffer
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK. David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:26]
Yes, hello, there it is David Ralph Episode 296 of Join Up Dots I almost did a funny voice bear just for you. And you thought you was listening to another show but I caught you know what you’re gonna get that’s why you’re coming time and time again to Join Up Dots in your thousands and it’s great to have you here. And it’s great to have our guest on because I’ve been having a chat with her and she says I love the lady who from her core believes that we can all whether love the life she loves nothing more than teaching the world but tools to find our life bliss. Yes, come on listeners. If you’ve only got one thing from the Listening to Join Up Dots every day when it should be this. If you’re slogging your way through life feeling exhausted and wondering why life is so hard, then you’re travelling along the wrong path, you need to work out why you can’t get out of bed each day with a Yay, it’s a new day shell. Now she’s just about to bring to the world a new project called 14 day radical self love challenge. And it was also just launched her uplift membership group. But this isn’t a story of someone who is a naturally bouncy person and was always on an inspirational helping others kind of gig. And she’s gone from a severely anxious and depressed women for most of her 35 years, to an empowered inspiring women doing amazing things conquering her fears, and teaching others how to do the same. So what was it in her past that led to her being so anxious about the future and what was she doing in her life, and simple steps that the listeners can take forward to feel the same way as she does? Well, let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Jaime Pfeffer. How are you doing? me.
Jaime Pfeffer [2:01]
I’m Wonderful. Thank you so much, David. What an intro. That’s phenomenal. Thank you so much for having me on your show.
David Ralph [2:07]
It’s lovely to have you on. I’ve been recording all day, Jaime, you’re my last so I’m gonna give you everything I’m gonna give you everything is now 10 past eight, it’s dark and my family appropriately snuggled up on a sofa. And you know what, Jaime? I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. So you’ve got me. You got me on for form. Did you do have that kind? Because you seem to me from talking beforehand. You have that kind of spirit that makes people want to feel kind of up and bouncy kind of happy you just naturally naturally kind kind of person.
Jaime Pfeffer [2:42]
Well, thank you. I would I hope so. The name of my book is uplift and as you said the name of my membership group is the uplift membership group. So I think that I do have an uplifting, some other uplifting impact
David Ralph [2:56]
on people. And do you have to work Is that something now it’s just your thing you just kind of naturally is like breathing?
Jaime Pfeffer [3:06]
Oh, I would say most days, it’s pretty natural. But there are certain practices that I do every day to make sure that yeah, that I’m living my best and that I’m living an extraordinary life.
David Ralph [3:20]
And you feel that way we’re touch on what you do, but do you actually feel that is an extraordinary life? Is it? Is it as good as it can be? Or is it getting that way?
Jaime Pfeffer [3:32]
You know, um, I think if you would have asked me that five years ago, I would have said, You’re crazy. But I’ve had such a big transformation. And it’s been now about two and a half years where, you know, of course, there are always problems and challenges. I don’t even really use the word problems anymore. I like the way I like situation. I like to refer to things that happen as situations But yeah, overall, I mean, I’m living an extraordinary life, especially compared to where I used to be.
David Ralph [4:08]
So it’s pretty consistent. That let’s kind of frame it all location wide. So we’re, we’re talking about where you live now so people can get an understanding of the kind of lifestyle but Jaime lives. Are you a city dweller? Are you in the country? Tell us about where you live.
Jaime Pfeffer [4:24]
Sure. I live in Beverly Hills, Michigan. And it is a suburb of Detroit, which is in Michigan in the United States. So here in the States, or at least in Michigan, you know, we have the cities and we have the country but then there are these things called suburbs. So I’m about 25 minutes from Detroit proper. The city.
David Ralph [4:49]
neighbourhood Yeah, when you said Beverly Hills, I got quite excited. Everyone does the same. Did I?
Jaime Pfeffer [4:56]
Yes, yes. It’s not Beverly Hills, California, but I will say that it is You know Beverly Hills, California is is high luxury. Beverly Hills, Michigan though is it’s very it’s a very nice community as well.
David Ralph [5:08]
I remember being in Beverly Hills in Los Angeles and I remember standing at the signpost and on one side of the signpost that was Beverly Hills, that the verges and grace was like manicured to inch of his life and like 30 centimetres the other side of his lamppost It was like the world at forgotten it. It was such a distinct sort of opposing view of power, influence and money. It was it was astonishing.
Jaime Pfeffer [5:34]
that’s a that’s a great insight. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
David Ralph [5:39]
When when you look at people who actually come into your life Now, are there similar kind of people are people that almost get to that lamppost and then change by being in your vicinity by being in your uplift membership, that they change and find their future. So
Jaime Pfeffer [6:01]
Wow. Um, you know, I think that we all have this capacity within us to live an extraordinary life. And like I said before, I don’t think that I would have been saying this five years ago, but I’ve seen it happen with so many people now. And it really started with just, I went through my own struggle, you know, I hit a bottom and then naturally I started doing certain practices and just learning things that I realised after a while Wow, if I if I do these things, you know, these things are making me happy. It was kind of like a cause and effect. And if I don’t do these certain things anymore, I’m not as unhappy. And then I started kind of putting it together and I ended up writing a book and doing a course on it and I started teaching it to other people. And I think it’s, you know, everyone has this. Most people have this capacity with within them, I just seem to have a I’ve always been talented in one of my and one of my strengths is I like routine. And I’m a I’m a good observer. And I can see where things go wrong in systems. And I’m very good at. I’m dedicated. So it’s easy for me to create habits. I don’t know, I just I’m very focused. I know a lot of people have a hard time developing habits, but I’m just not one of them. So I’ve been able to develop these habits in my own life. And as long as I’m really following the habits, I do really well like, you know, I have this extraordinary life and like I said, before, things still come up. It’s not like, you know, there’s never any situations or issues or you know, there’s deaths and there’s just changes. I have, I’m married and I love being married, but it is I think it’s Practice. And I have two young children six and a half and two and a half. So there’s always things going on there. Um, last week, I heard we put our girls to sleep. And a little bit afterward. 15 minutes later, I heard some activity going on and I sent my husband upstairs. I’m really glad that I did because my oldest was sitting in her sister’s crib with scissors. And she had done what I think a lot of kids do, which is caught her own hair.
And then she caught her little sisters there. So you know, not a huge thing, wasn’t it?
David Ralph [8:42]
Did you have some nice friends going on?
Jaime Pfeffer [8:45]
Oh, yeah, those banks that are like super short. Now you’ve seen the kids that cut their own hair. Um, so I guess I have tools now. that enable me to deal with things like that. It’s not a you know, it doesn’t totally knock me in to, like, last week where I can’t get out of bed or where I’m just another thing that I used to struggle with is I used to have this feeling that I had to be perfect. Have you ever had that? I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that, but
David Ralph [9:15]
it’s funny. I know what you’re talking about. And in my professional life, there was a time back. I used to think that I had to be perfect because I was playing a role that other people wanted me to play. And so I was playing the perfection role that they wanted. But in my deep heart of hearts, I always thought it was stupid. And so No, I don’t think I’ve ever personally wanted that perfection. But I do think I’ll try to deliver that perfection you but makes it right.
Jaime Pfeffer [9:43]
There you go. No, that makes perfect sense. It’s very insightful. Yeah, I don’t think anybody at least I don’t ever want to get to that place but it’s almost for me. It was almost a like a control. Like I was afraid to show my whole self. I was afraid to show that I had flaws, because I had low self esteem for a while and when you have low self esteem, you don’t at least for me, I didn’t believe that I was worthy of love with all of my, you know, flaws and my humaneness. So I spent a lot of my life. I think I learned early on that when I did things well, I got a lot of attention, positive attention. So, you know, going through school, I was a great student, and I love learning. So I am just like, I learned I’m a voracious learner. I love learning and I am a seeker at heart and I just really love doing that. But when I was younger in school, I would. I was really afraid to be the centre of attention. And that too, was a reflection of low self esteem or low self worth. And I was afraid to ever make any mistakes. Like I would be upset with myself and and i think you know that perfectionism stemmed from not feeling worthy unless I was doing something perfectly so where that intertwines with the situation with my daughter is that you know 510 years ago I had this need to show the outside world that everything was perfect you know, kind of like the magazine type of thing like you know, everyone sees the magazines and we see these Perfect, perfect people with perfect gifts wrapped and you know, like stuff that would take hours like I don’t know, you’ve probably never like done a cookie recipe or craft or anything like out of a out of a magazine but like, you know, they’ll put like six or eight things like that in in like a holiday magazine where to make cookies to decorate and to do things like that literally could take six to eight hours. Um, so you know, there’s this keeping up keeping up with the Joneses or or showing A certain facade, and I, I felt like my family also had to be perfect, you know, because I couldn’t make any mistakes and they couldn’t make any mistakes, because I believe that that time that they were a reflection of me. And if they made mistakes, it meant that I made mistakes.
David Ralph [12:18]
lets you down here because it is fascinating. And you’re obviously talking about yourself personally. But I see this time and time again. And I see more from the ladies. And then the mass, I see that the men who look after the kids on Saturday, and the kids go out and then they bump into their mom in the street and the mom goes, What are you wearing? Why Why do you let them go out wearing that? And that that’s always so right. Yeah, but somebody might see and I see that a lot. My wife is very much like that. I’m sort of talking about her really where I will kind of go on they’re not gonna die, are they they’re all right, and it’s fine. And but we’ve ladies there is that kind of, I don’t know that peer pressure. Perfection. But when you get to the school gates, you’ve got to look your best even though it’s eight o’clock in the morning, and your kids have got to look their best. And the pack lunch has to be super healthy. And everything is kind of Yeah, it’s exactly what you’re saying. And you kind of forget about it. I mean, you really I know it’s not easy, but you gotta forget about it and think to yourself that life isn’t perfection. Life is just about, you know, as I always say to my wife, if I if I can get my kids to bed at night, and they’re still alive, I think I’ve done my job.
Jaime Pfeffer [13:31]
I love that. And I can relate and I have a wonderful husband and he’s very similar and I’m so fortunate to have him because he taught me that and my children, especially my older one, I have four years in between and my older one. It was really with her that I started to change because it was almost like you know, I had this baby and I had the I had a beautiful house and you know I had a I have a master’s degree and a great Husband and but I still didn’t feel fulfilled. I felt empty inside. And I think I thought on like a subconscious level that the baby was going to make me feel better. So I had the baby and then she started to grow up into like a real person. And, um, you know, if you spent time around a one and a half or two year old, you cannot control them. They, they’re spontaneous, they’re sloppy, they’re messy. They’re beautiful. They’re these beautiful beings. But for someone that was really a control freak, because I was like, the perfection is for me, was really just my control. It was it was a way that I had control of things. But really what I ended up finding out is that it’s it’s not real control, it’s actually just an illusion. It’s an illusion that you have control and what it ended up doing for me and what I realised and was really the catalyst for My own transformation was that I really didn’t have any control. And it was my own perception of what the outside world was thinking. And I had to really go inside and build my self worth. I mean, that’s really what it was. I had to build my own self worth. And as I did that, through various things that happened in my life, as I started to build my self worth and self esteem, I started to care less and less about what other people thought on the outside, and I really started to relax and I, I stopped doing things that you know, the societal, the pressure, I stopped doing it and it was so liberating. It’s so liberating to be someone who lived with that control because being in that mindset of I have to control and Have to perform. I have to do everything personally. It’s absolutely exhausting. It’s exhausting. I mean, it’s like I would wake up every single day. And you know that the hamster wheel would start going in my head of like, all the stuff I had to do the anxiety really ruled my my life anxiety and worry. And I would just, you know, I wasn’t filling up myself, I was trying to do things to which I thought were going to get me love and we’re going to make me feel better trying to do things for other people or trying to accomplish certain things. And, you know, I think that it was I did get a little feeling of joy or whatever you want to call it, but it was extremely short lived. So now it’s, you know, now that I’ve changed I really do things completely differently. I mean, it’s like in the mornings, I don’t wake up with everybody else’s agenda, you know, and and not have any time for my Myself, I actually my schedule is completely reversed now. And I wake up and I do things for myself. And you know, I do spend time with my children in the morning, but it’s just it’s really, it’s changed a lot from where I used to be, because, you know, it’s kind of like they tell you, you got to put your own oxygen mask on first when you’re on a plane. Yeah. And you know, because you can’t help anybody else if you don’t have your own oxygen. And that’s really a big part of my teaching is especially for women just like you said, it’s, it’s for me, it’s about 70% women. And this the radical self love challenge that you mentioned, I’ve actually started it. And I’m doing this first one February 1 through the 14th. And, but it’s just really gotten great reviews and great attention. So I’m going to have it as like a free standing type of product so anybody can do it anytime. But I’m finding a lot of people who used to be just like me. They weren’t You know, they might have a low self esteem or you know, not a lot of self love and this type of programme. It’s just like little videos that they get every day and it gives you an activity to do that will help to build your self esteem or your self worth,
David Ralph [18:13]
when I say sounds like a platform which is needed across the world, isn’t it? Because I do believe that love makes the world go round. And so many of us forget that we should love ourselves most. And I say this to my kids. It’s all right to love yourself. It’s not weird going around kissing mirrors all the time. That’s a bit weird. But loving yourself is the starting point, isn’t it? And so with me, why have you mentioned but you needed love so much? Because we all do but you’ve actually brought it out in probably four or five sentences, but it was something that you were craving. Why was that so important to you growing up?
Jaime Pfeffer [18:54]
You know, I think that a lot of things that people experience in Their life later on. They’re impacted by their early childhood. So for whatever reason, I don’t think that I got in I don’t know if anyone grows up with the perfect amount of love from their parents or their caregivers or whatever it is, you know, I mean, it’s almost I don’t know, if you would have asked me, you know, 10 years ago, I probably would have said, Oh, yeah, I had a great childhood. And I did. I mean, my parents are wonderful, awesome people. I grew up in a middle class, you know, neighbourhood and went to grade school and went to great colleges. And, you know, I had a lot of stuff. I mean, I didn’t even have to have a job until I was like, 16. And I didn’t I, my parents were like, you don’t even have to work like so I actually did it for a class. So it wasn’t that it I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s, like I said, I don’t know if anyone would be you know, growing. Having this perfect love, I think that it’s kind of a journey that many people have to go on and it’s a loving yourself and finding that love within as opposed to looking for it. externally. I
David Ralph [20:20]
romantic Are you somebody that looks kind of film lab my wife used to say, oh, David, you’re always waiting for the film lab to come along because I could never settle down with someone now she’s my wife and she’s been my wife about 25 years. But in the early days, it was always the kind of know that the Romans the sweep of your feet, that kind of dramatic love that you see in films, would that resonate with you?
Jaime Pfeffer [20:46]
I mean, I think that’s wonderful. And I you know, the really cool thing is I think that a lot of people think that that happens and then it ends and I think that that happened in my marriage. My husband is extremely charming and He’s wonderful. And we got married. And, you know, I think in psychology, they actually show like when you meet someone, there’s like this really high intensity, and then there’s like the honeymoon. And then things actually start to dip. We experienced that. But we actually, since we’ve both done inner work, not even like work together just individually on our own, we’re both we both really transformed our lives. And I would say that we’re at the point now where we have that movie love and we’ve been married for eight and a half years. Something that we both work at work at. And yeah, it’s a practice just like anything else, I think.
David Ralph [21:43]
Is it all practice? is it all about creating routines? It’s interesting, your 14 day radical self love challenge. Now 14 days isn’t a big time. So it’s got to be quite radical to change yourself. So is it all about setting in routines and changing habits.
Jaime Pfeffer [22:02]
I think it’s a big part. The 14 days it’s not that you’re going to change radically in 14 days. It’s here are 14 days of radically self loving activities. Does that make sense? Yeah,
David Ralph [22:18]
it makes total sense. Yeah. So so you can stretch it out as long as you want.
Jaime Pfeffer [22:23]
Yeah, yeah. And actually, it’s it’s really interesting. I love it. And I just I love shooting the videos like you said at the beginning of the show, like I’ve found my bliss. I know what makes me happy. There are things that I do that you know, I lose track of time. And before I started doing what I love, and really before I was started really loving myself and realising I deserve to spend time on myself instead of always giving giving giving to everyone else, but never taking like there’s got to be a balance. I didn’t do a lot of those active 70s But today, I do, like, probably 85 90% of my life is are things that I love. And if I don’t love them, one of the things that I tell my students and clients all the time is delegate. You know, there’s certain things that everybody does, like, we hired out our laundry and our ironing a year ago, because I made a list of like, all the tasks that I did every day and I decided I want it, I really want to change my life even further. And I think I got to the place where I valued myself enough where it was like, I really can have it all, you know, I really can have the extraordinary life. And that doesn’t make me a bad person than that actually. Now, I believe that anybody can have that as long as they make certain choices.
David Ralph [23:49]
But all people would struggle with that by when they financial
Jaime Pfeffer [23:52]
I know. So did I yeah, so did I the guilt of you know, I mean, honestly, I tell the story. A lot When I first started to realise, wow, I really don’t do a lot for myself. I mean, I was just like working constantly and like, I had a newborn and it was crazy. I had a hard time waking up in the morning and like, leaving the dishwasher, leaving the dishes in the dishwasher clean, before like meditating, or before even eating breakfast. It was like I would wake up and be like, okay, you need to go to work, you know what I mean? And so that was a slow, it was a slow process, but the more that I started to balance things out and started to give to myself. The battery my life started or the battery my life became, I can say, Totally,
David Ralph [24:43]
yeah, but how do you justify that financial aspect because, well, when people balance it up, I think, Oh, I can do it in an hour. What’s the point in paying in the net, that’s the balance.
Jaime Pfeffer [24:54]
It is and that’s that’s a that’s a great point and you know, hiring out laundry or ironing may not be the right choice for every single person. Um, I think for women, especially though at least in the US, women have a hard time asking for help. And like my husband’s great at asking for help I have and I become really good at it because I know that when I do, I feel so much better. It frees up my energy. And the other thing is that it isn’t good for me and it isn’t good for other people. When I take on too much responsibility. It skews relationships, relationships become unbalanced when one person is overly responsible and the other person is under. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, yeah, there’s like a trust and even with children, um, you know, my, my younger one is two and a half right now. And I’ve done a lot of research into child psychology and different things, things like that. And children like in preschools, one of the things that they do now Is that they actually give children jobs, like they give them little roles. And the reason that they do that is because it builds their self esteem. So, if you can’t afford to hire out your laundry or your ironing or you know, maybe it’s not that for you, maybe it’s something much bigger, you know, or, or maybe you like doing that stuff, you know, I’m not saying that it has to be that or that you have to pay, but it’s like, okay, make a list of your activities and have your tasks. And if you’re burned out, if you’ve got too much stuff on your plate, ask for help. You know, maybe it’s your spouse, maybe you say to your spouse, you know what, I’ve noticed that I’ve been irritable, or I’ve just been exhausted that night, and I really need some help. You know, do you think that you could pick up the dry cleaning once a week? Do you know what I mean? Like that type of thing. Um, it might be asking your kids because I grew up in a house where I didn’t have a lot of chores. And it was really interesting. I think I knew I know what my parents were trying to do. But I actually think that it harmed me more than it helped me. Like I said, it’s good for children to have different jobs so that they get familiar. They can build a self esteem, they build confidence. They feel a sense of trust, knowing that, oh, my parents Trust me. And it’s okay for me to make mistakes. And I can learn how to do different things and to develop different skills. Yeah, that’s the other. Yeah, lets the other person let go of control, which is also a skill,
David Ralph [27:33]
because we have a rotor for our kids, we have a rotor and it’s pinned up on the wall. And so I can’t argue, and it’s only things like, every morning I’ve got to make their own beds and open the curtain right and that kind of stuff and lay the table and clear the table. So it’s not huge stuff. But then we have we have a day we have a day Jaime at the end, which we call penalty day. And if any of them start moaning about it, being on penalty day, which we’ve never had to use, it kind of gets close. Bye bye, I have to do the chores for everyone. And that’s the struggle. And they have come very, very close to getting penalty day. But I’ve never had to sort of implement. But my daughter, my youngest daughter, she cheats the lazy one really. And Funny enough, my teenage Well, she’s not teenage daughter, she’s 23. She’s just moved out. And she actually said to us the other day, she said, I didn’t realise how much you had to do. And we went well, yeah, that’s what life is all about. So I agree with you. It is about training them from quite an early age to realise that when they do move out, which ultimately we hope they do, but they can make them look after themselves.
Jaime Pfeffer [28:39]
Exactly. And that’s where habits come into. I mean, it’s like the thing is, you asked me about habits and what do I think the thing is that everybody has habits. So it The question is, do you have good positive healthy habits? Or do you have habits that are hurting you
David Ralph [28:57]
and what will your hurting you When you come to your transformation, yes, if they were hurting you tell us about and what we’re like.
Jaime Pfeffer [29:04]
Yes. I mean, it’s it’s a lot of what I just started what I just said, like, I would wake up and I would immediately go into giving mode and giving is wonderful. And I’m not saying that it isn’t a good thing, but it’s not a good thing when it’s coming from an empty place. Like it was for me and I think a lot of women especially trying to balance everything that they’re trying to balance plus working. It’s just, it’s hard. It’s like, it’s Yeah, I think it’s kind of an outdated practice. And, yeah, I mean, I would wake up and I would just give, give, give, give, give, and I from nowhere, you know, when you don’t put any giving into yourself, and then you give to other people. I mean, I just I was anxious. I was sad. I felt lonely. I felt disconnected from people and Just unfulfilled. So, so
David Ralph [30:03]
So what were you doing professionally at this time? Were you balancing a job as well?
Jaime Pfeffer [30:08]
You know, um, I was a stay at home mom for a couple years. When I like hit my bottom, I would say, I was just I was a stay at home mom. My husband travelled a lot extensively. So it was almost like being a single parents. Um, but, you know, I never I still don’t know if I do anything like halfway I’ve always done stuff like to, I don’t want to say the extreme but um, you know, I like I probably have done enough studying of child psychology to equal a degree in that so, you know, I had my daughter and I just like each poured myself into education and what was the what were the best things that I could do for her and, and all that type of stuff. So, prior to that, I worked in the securities industry, and I was a freelance writer.
David Ralph [30:59]
So so so you have A career because, well, when when ladies get babies, which is great, which is what they all want, and what we want as well, right? The thing that I find on the main side is the main becomes a father, but he remains himself. He’s still got his own identity, but the ladies become so and so’s wife, and so and so’s mom, and they kind of abused themselves somehow. So yeah. Did you feel that being a stay at home mom, you suddenly become somebody else’s label instead of your own?
Jaime Pfeffer [31:31]
Yes, that’s it. That’s it. I lost myself. That’s it. I lost myself. And you know what it’s like, you don’t even know that it’s happening. It’s like it everybody can see it. I think. I mean, looking back, I could really see it. But it’s not like I made a I wasn’t conscious. I didn’t make a conscious choice to do it. But you know, thankfully, I hadn’t. I had an awareness and for me, the awareness is key. me from physical manifestations of anxiety, feeling unfulfilled, you know, feeling just really feeling like there’s gotta be more. There’s gotta be more out there like, I’ve got this great husband this great house this great baby, um, and you know, friends and everything, but I still didn’t feel I don’t know, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy.
David Ralph [32:30]
And when you get to that point, that’s possibly one of the most difficult points you can get to where the world will look at you and go, what’s what she got to worry about. She’s got a lovely house, she’s got a husband, she’s got a kid. I’d like to be in her position. But when the inside you feel that you’re just not happy or you’re just you want more. It’s so difficult, isn’t it to just express it because you almost feel guilty for wanting
Jaime Pfeffer [32:58]
more. Yeah. Extremely Yes. And I know for me and for other people that I’ve talked to, it’s almost like you start isolating, and you start reaching out less than last. And it makes it like worse and worse. And it’s just kind of this like, sticky spiral that, yeah, it’s difficult. It’s difficult, which is, you know, I’m really grateful for like the self help world and that type of stuff. Like I think I just stumbled upon. Um, you know, I was in the right place at the right time, and I was able to have some awarenesses and really start to change my life.
David Ralph [33:37]
Well, let’s play some words now, which will take us on to our next part of the conversation. This is Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey [33:43]
My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. And when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. Many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.
David Ralph [34:10]
Now, I would like to think at this moment, this is where you are, but it’s it sounds like you’re not you haven’t quite found your thing yet, but you just got that feeling, but you can’t go on the way you are. So how did the transformation start taking shape? Because it’s that moment, isn’t it? But so many people who are in a crappy situation and they’re in a rubbish job, and they don’t like their girlfriend or their boyfriend, and it’s just kind of around them, and they can’t shake it off? Because it’s all around them? How do you actually start making movements to where you want to be?
Jaime Pfeffer [34:46]
Oh, um, you know what, I think it’s like one thing at a time. Sometimes it’s even one moment at a time, but for me, and I could still go back there. That’s the really important piece. There is a, there’s like a self responsibility piece for me now, where I’m just much more conscious that all of you know, as I’m going throughout every single day, I’m making choices. And for me if I, like I mentioned some of the practices that I do throughout my day, and those are things, they’re simple practices that anybody can learn. I mean, one of them is positive thinking. And I used to be very negative and pessimistic. I’m, I’m not that way anymore. I’m extremely optimistic. And, you know, I think very positively, but it is still something that I learned and that I still work at, or practice. You know, doing things like meditation where anybody can learn that, you know, or taking, taking a chance. And, you know, I think the first time I heard about meditation, I was like, Oh, that’s weird. or something like that. But when I when you’re down on the ground and nothing is working, I think that like I said, I was in the right place at the right time or something resonated with me and I actually decided to just give it a shot. And I did, I listened to a guided meditation and it wasn’t anything like I thought it was, I didn’t have to become like a Buddhist monk. And I was able to do it. And I realised after doing it for a couple days, like just listening to this woman guide me through a relaxation exercise, that I felt a lot better like for that 15 or 20 minutes, I didn’t have the anxiety or the worry that was so common, every second almost every second of every day. I mean, I don’t want to make it sound like you know, all I did was living anxiety, but there were there were great times and there were celebrations of like birthdays and Christmas and different stuff like that, but I’ll say that the big deal between then and now is that like, if it was a holiday or a birthday, there was so much build up before the event. And if something would have happened on the day of the event, it would have been like this huge letdown. Like it was almost like the the event had to be perfect. And if something were to happen, which normally does, because that’s life, it would be like really disappointing. And it just, you know, it was almost like during a normal day, there really wasn’t a lot of room for happiness, because I was just so busy like driving and striving. Whereas now like, holidays are great and birthdays are great, but every day is great. Like, I don’t have to wait for my birthday to calm or my child’s birthday comes. I don’t have to wait to go out to a great movie. I can smell flowers that I have in my house or I can you know do other activities that make me happy like I on a daily basis, so like literally every single day before I go to sleep. I don’t have regrets anymore. Because I I live my life. Do you know what I mean?
David Ralph [38:11]
And I know exactly what you mean. And I’m reflecting on my own because doing a show like this is very, very busy. And they used it used to be almost a killer. But now because it’s just, I don’t know, it just finds its feet somewhat. There’s a lot of free time. Now. I go to bed at night with no regrets of the van. But one feeling of I could have done more. I could have done more I could I could have done another show. I could have done this. I could have done that. Only because I love it so much. I want to put more to the world. Is that a regret or is that just me? I don’t think so. I think
Jaime Pfeffer [38:48]
that’s probably your spirit. I think that’s amazing. That’s passion.
David Ralph [38:53]
I’ll tell you another thing that was interesting and I’m gonna play some words on it because it really sort of tied up with your feeling of meditation. Being a bit whoo, whoo. And you’re floating on top of the mountain. When I started doing a show, I’ve never meditated in my life and I still haven’t really meditated. But after 213 9300 shows were coming up to now, literally, every man and woman will mention the fact that they may call it meditation, or they may call it being quiet. But there certainly seems to be a need to disconnect from social media and the TV and the radio, and just get quiet and I’m gonna play some words, but I find hugely powerful and it ties into that feeling or is it meditation? Or is it just allowing your inner thoughts to come out because you’re being quiet? This is Oprah Winfrey,
Unknown Speaker [39:44]
the way through the challenge is to get still and ask yourself, what is the next right move? not think about, Oh, I got all of this. What is the next right move? And then from that space, man The next right move and the next right move, and not to be overwhelmed by it. Because you know, your life is bigger than that one moment, you know, you’re not defined by what somebody says, is a failure for you, because failure is just there to point you in a different direction.
David Ralph [40:16]
Now, she talks about that little voice. But more often than not, we don’t allow that little voice to come out because there’s just too much noise around. And that’s the power of what you’re saying. Isn’t it? Just that ability to just just relax and not think of anything and let that thought come through? It’s no surprise that you have all your best thoughts when you’re, you know, in the shower. Really?
Jaime Pfeffer [40:37]
Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Yes, there are certain practices that you can do to let that little voice or truth or your higher self or whatever it is that you want to call it, to come through.
David Ralph [40:52]
Yeah. And is that the most helpful thing that you can do Jaime for yourself personally, allow that little voice to come through.
Jaime Pfeffer [41:00]
I think so, yes, it makes my life a lot easier. And you know, the universe is giving all of us messages all the time. We just get caught up in like you said the noise and, and I think different people get different types of messages like I get. I mean, it’s it’s wild, like the more that I meditate or do things that put me let’s just say let’s just say it’s like a it’s like an FM tuner, right? So I can tune to the economic I can do things that will tune me into the station where I can get connected with my higher self or with that little voice. The more I do things like that, the more I get connected and the easier life becomes like synchronicity, or coincidences start showing up for me. It’s just easier. It’s it’s like you’re in the flow, instead of being in the struggle. So meditation has been an instrumental part of that for me.
David Ralph [42:00]
funnybone why so many people are proud to be busy, I I’m working 20 hours a day, oh, I’m doing this, I’m doing all that. And I used to be like that I used to have it as a badge of honour. I’d be there before everybody else. And I’d leave after everybody else. And I’d go in the next day and I go, Oh, I only got two hours sleep last night. And it was that kind of that driving force to prove to other people but not proved yourself because you’re not looking after yourself. But when you do actually realise that you need to recharge yourself sensibly. When you recharge your battery, it comes back stronger. And so as a human being by taking some time off and just resting and watching a film or doing something and pulling yourself away. You’ve got to come back better than before, but we don’t do it Do we?
Jaime Pfeffer [42:49]
know and I can really relate to what you said I used to be the same way. I mean, I would work like 14 hour days and I thought it was awesome. I don’t do that today. I Honestly, a lot of my quote work is things like meditation, exercise. I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s funny when I tell people but it’s very interesting. I’ve, I’ve accomplished a lot in my career in a very short time because I do those things. And like I said, it’s like, all of this stuff started showing up for me and that I think if I would have been doing the driving and striving and like been in the thinking mind and the desire drive like ego mode, it would have taken me a lot longer. So
David Ralph [43:36]
but the people dubay that’s the feel,
Jaime Pfeffer [43:39]
and it’s, it’s really against the grain. I mean, it’s against, especially in the US, like my husband, I remember like trying to get him to kind of come over and it’s like, I think of it as the light side, but he was actually thinking of it as like, I can’t do this. What do you mean, I can’t, you know, how can I justify this and he had watched me do this in my own life, but he said Still had difficulty doing it but he’s really changed as well. And he’s he’s reaped enormous benefits from it. And you know, like I said, I have students and clients that that have done the same thing and it’s amazing I think it has to happen slowly though, because it’s just too much of a shift. It’s it’s really hard for people to let go and go against this you know, we have certain beliefs and it’s just hard to go against those all in one fell swoop but I do believe that fun is definitely instrumental to an extraordinary life and and vacationing or resting or you know, that type of thing. It’s so necessary.
David Ralph [44:41]
I’m gonna confess to something to you and I don’t think I’ve ever confessed to anyone but it was so many years ago. I think I probably get away with it. But I was working up in the City of London and I was the head manager for this bank. And every morning I used to get up very early and I used to leave very late and this one day, I was walking to And I was thinking, Oh, I don’t feel like this. I really don’t feel like this at all. And it was before mobile phones and cell phones. And I was just touching the handle for the door to go into the office. And I thought, I can’t do this. And I ran off. And I’ve never done this before. And I ran around the corner and I thought, Oh, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself today. I can’t go home. I might as well stay up here. And I had whole day to myself. And I went down to the underground, the tube and I phoned in. And it’s the only time I’ve ever done this in my career. I phoned up and I said, I can’t come in today. I don’t feel very well. There’s a plane coming through on platform five and it was also coming up behind me. And I thought to myself, what should I do and I became a tourist in London, and I thought, Okay, I will go over and I’ll see this because I’ve never seen that before. And I went to a place called Hyde Park and just laid on the grass and had an ice cream in the middle of the afternoon. And the more I got into as we call overhead bunking off, not doing these things. taking time out for myself, the more I got into it, and I thought to myself, I know what I do. I go and see if there’s a concert at Wembley Stadium tonight, and I went over there and Tina Turner was on and I thought our gala to her and I went in to see Tina Turner. And the next morning, I went into work and I never confessed, this is the first time I’ve ever confessed. But I felt like I’d been away for a week and always recharged and I was reinvigorated. And I always think of that day and I think to myself, you don’t do that you don’t take that day that is purely selfish for you. But I would like the world to be able to do that not actually have to justify why they’re doing it. All the marbles in the world. This is the message to you put your kids in the school and before you have to pick them up at three o’clock just go off and do your own thing and go to the movies and you know sit in a park and look some clouds and nobody will know when you pick up your kids at three o’clock. But your know and you’ll feel really good about yourself because you judged.
Jaime Pfeffer [47:01]
Yeah, and I think other people, they may not know exactly what you do, but they will notice your change in attitude. You know, and it doesn’t even. Those are great ideas. I love it. It doesn’t even have to be that big. It can be like, one of the things that I do now is I buy fresh flowers every week for my house, and I am an entrepreneur and I work from home, and I stop probably six to seven times a day and smell those flowers. So I’m literally smelling the roses or smelling whatever the flowers are. It doesn’t have to be that though. It doesn’t have to be flowers, if you don’t want to, you know, spend the money to get flowers every week. I just love flowers. And I like to, I like to surround myself with beauty. So that’s something that’s important to me. But it could be you know, like you said, just being in the moment, taking 10 minutes from your lunch break and actually, you know, going and sitting outside and turning everything off and just being present, I think is another one You know, could just be little, little 235 minute activities. And it was so foreign to me when I started doing this, that I actually had to set it up in my phone, like I would create an activity. And I ended up calling it joys of the day. And it’s, I have a whole chapter in my book about this. And I would like I give my students the assignment of finding three joys of the day and often they have to create them themselves. And it’s, it starts with putting it in my schedule because one of the biggest obstacles or excuses that I hear from people as I don’t have time, you know, I don’t have time to take a vacation. So it’s like, you don’t even really have to take a vacation. You can just make it you know, start off with three to five minutes and then build from there.
David Ralph [48:49]
I have a lady on the show, and I’m desperately trying to remember what her number was because I remember story, Episode 219, a lovely lady called Michelle to Spain. And she’s got A platform called the Late Bloomer revolution. And she was a lady who she didn’t like her job partner left her and it was just her in a dog. And she decided she had to do something about her life. And she couldn’t go big social just started small. And she started doing a mini adventure every day. And it might have been one day, just walking a different way to work to see what is different corner, or the next night was go to a yoga class that she’d always plan to do, and she hadn’t wanted to, you know, and so she did 360 of them and she wrote about them every day, it was a mini adventure. And then that led her to go off and go to Italy on a cycling tour. And she’d never done that before. And when she met the love of her life and everything sort of spiralled from just doing that one thing I’ve been doing another thing and doing another thing because it’s the opportunities isn’t it is the opportunities but when you’re trapped in life You don’t see. But when you’re consciously looking around for them, they’re, they’re everywhere. They absolutely everywhere, and it can change your life instantly.
Jaime Pfeffer [50:09]
Yes. And you know, it’s the power of momentum to like, I think about that. And momentum goes both ways. Momentum can go the negative way, which is why it’s so hard to create a new habit, I think. But it can also go, you know, the positive way. So, and I think when you I mean, I just think it’s a lot easier to go the positive way. The universe supports the positive way and wants to help you. So if you can just make the first step, you’re going to have the support and the resources there to back you up, and it’s going to snowball, and it’s, you know, I think you can change your life pretty quickly, with just a few small decisions to start with.
David Ralph [50:53]
I agree as well. And I’m going to play the theme to the whole show here. And these are the words that Steve Jobs said and he He said it very well back in 2005, the same sort of vibe as what you’re saying. But it’s a decision about another decision. It’s the dots that lead forward, but we can only see where we are by looking back and joining up those dots. This is Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [51:14]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [51:50]
Now he calls them dots, you call them decisions, but they’re the same things really. You’re not defined by the next decision Are you you can make that decision and if it doesn’t, Now they make it number one and just keep them moving on, as he says, So did you find those words have relevance to your life? Can you look back in Join Up Dots?
Jaime Pfeffer [52:09]
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, every single thing, especially the big milestones, and, you know, disappointments that which I thought at the time were so, you know, maybe I had an expectation about something, and it didn’t end up happening, but I can really see now why it happened. And why it was so impactful and beautiful and a beautiful part of my life.
David Ralph [52:37]
History. Funny, isn’t it? But, but the dark dots the bad time? Yeah, I keep on mentioning this because it really struck me as powerful. I had a chap on one of the shows, and he was saying that every two years he joins up these dots and he looks at his last two years. And he goes right okay, that happened. That was terrible. This happened matter. And he said he started looking back at the same reports five years later. And he said five years later, it was hard to see where the bad things were because he position because of it. And the dots that were negative actually turned into positives because you made subsequent decisions that lead you to those positions where you you want to be in and you can’t get to one without the other. And that’s the thing that holds people back. They think that the next decision has got to be right. But actually, funnily enough, the next one could be wrong, but it could still be right. But you just don’t know till later on.
Jaime Pfeffer [53:36]
Yes, yeah, I absolutely. agree with that. And, you know, I think that maybe the time period of the longer the time period is, the easier it is to see that it maybe wasn’t so bad. Because the emotional staying has lessened a bit you know, this too shall pass or that type of thing. I think time is very healing. But really cool. I mean, every single thing that’s been a big challenge for me has been so amazing. I mean, I’m almost more grateful for those times because they, they cause something in my life, like they cause things in my life that never would have happened if I hadn’t have had that challenge. So, you know, just remembering and trusting that if I do have something like that happen, I mean, I’m almost like at the default now where it’s like, well, it’s going to turn out great. Yeah, you know, if it’s good, it’s going to turn out great. And if it’s bad, it’s going to turn out great. So, I actually have a little practice, though, that has helped me and some of my students when there is a problem that comes up and that is, you know, your perception and the way that you look at things really has, I think, a direct impact on how you end up feeling it so I call it P t O, and it’s problem to opportunity. So anytime that I have like a quote Problem come up, I just make a list of Okay, well, what could be the opportunities here, instead of looking at it from what was me or this is so terrible or XYZ, really just looking at it in a different from a different angle. And that’s helpful to kind of put a positive spin on it.
David Ralph [55:20]
And everyone can do that can’t live in a job that I hate. Like I was I got into a position, I just couldn’t bear it anymore. So I had to do something about it. If I had sat down and actually, on a bit of paper, put a line down the middle and thought to myself, where are the positives? What can I take from it? The rocket power to actually move forward because not only are you finding the positives, you’re taking controlled action to find positives on you.
Jaime Pfeffer [55:50]
Yes, and you know, that’s such a great point, especially if it’s a pattern like if you feel if it’s the same situation that keeps showing up and you Keep feeling disappointed or angry or whatever it is, you know, I would say make a list like gratitude is extremely powerful. So you can make a list for the things that you’re grateful for. Like, that’s a really great way in and it’s difficult to fight against it if if you’re angry about something, it really helps to defuse it quickly. So like the next time you’re angry with someone, make a list of the things that you’re grateful for, or make a list of what their best qualities are, and try to stay angry with them. It’s not easy. But also you know what I was saying about the pattern, if something is coming up, and it’s a continual pattern that you’re noticing, it’s your choice if you continue to go back into that pattern without making a new choice. So you know, we all have choices in any moment. And I think when something happens enough and you’re disappointed with it and offer or upset and it’s not changing, it’s time to make a change yourself.
David Ralph [56:57]
So if you look back on the words The jokes was saying the theme to the show. Is there a big.in your life? Is there a moment that you look back on? And you go, yeah, yeah, that that that was probably it.
Jaime Pfeffer [57:11]
I would I mean, it was interesting when you were talking about your other guests about the every two years. I mean, I feel right now I’m about to hit a two year mark. And it’s interesting because I started really noticing animals. It was almost two years ago, there were these vultures that were circling in my backyard, believe it or not. And I looked up what vultures meant, and I really wasn’t into like, whoo, whoo, stuff like that at all. But I start, I looked it up. And it actually said, It signifies a two year period, and I’m getting close to that. It was like in March two years ago, so I think that was a that was a period for me. But there’s so many I mean, really any challenge any major challenge that I faced, has been a dot for me. Then that, well, I would say the the choice to do something different whether it was forced on me. Like one was, you know, I had applied to a certain college, and I didn’t get in. And I was devastated. So I ended up applying to a different college. And at the time, I did not understand like, I just I was such a good student, and I just didn’t understand why it happened. But now I completely do. So I have several different experiences in my life that I would say are different. That’s like, that
David Ralph [58:36]
is perfect, isn’t it? When you look back, and you go, yeah, it’s been a ride. This has been a roller, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Jaime Pfeffer [58:44]
Exactly. Yeah. It’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful life.
David Ralph [58:47]
Well, I’m going to send you back in time now because this is the end of the show. And this is the part that we call the Sermon on the mic when I send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time, what age Jaime would you choose and what advice Would you give where we’re gonna find out? Because I’m gonna play the theme tune and when it fades, you’re up. This is the Sermon on the mic.
Jaime Pfeffer [59:29]
So hi, little Jaime, this is big Jaime or big Jay. And right about this time, little Jaime, you are eight years old and you’re feeling kind of self conscious. And you’re just starting to not want to be the centre of attention even though you’re your pre bright child and you have a lot of wonderful things to share with the world, yourself. Starting to contract, and to isolate a bit, and you’re starting to get worried and to get nervous, and worry about making mistakes. And what I want to say to you is that you are an absolutely beautiful being of light. And you are so inspiring. And you light up the room, and you have so many things to share with other people. And sometimes, you’re so sensitive in a good way that there are people that can’t take so much pain that’s happening to them, and you intuitively take on that pain for them. And I want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong.
And there isn’t anything wrong with you. And that you part of the reason that you’re here. to actually help these people to live a better life. And I think you’re amazing and you’re not shy. So don’t tell yourself that you’re shy. And you are going to be an amazing, inspiring, empowering person one day who feels very comfortable talking to others. And you’re going to be an award winning speaker, which I know is hard for you to believe because you’re pretty shy right now. I love you.
David Ralph [1:01:39] F
Jaime, how can our audience connect with you?
Jaime Pfeffer [1:01:43]
I would absolutely love that. They can email me at JP at Jaime j a i m as in Mary E dash p.com. And I am on the web. Jaime pfeffer.com
David Ralph [1:02:02]
we will have over links on the show notes. Jaime, thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots and please come back again when you have more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Jaime Pfeffer, thank you so much.
Jaime Pfeffer [1:02:19]
Thank you, David, what a pleasure.
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you are wants to become. So he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to Join Up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.