Welcome to the Join Up Dots Podcast with Patricia Noll
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Introducing Patricia Noll
Patricia Noll is today’s guest on Join Up Dots,.
She is an expert in self-esteem, empowering people to experience long-lasting real happiness from the inside out.
She does this by teaching them how to feel good about themselves just because.
And to stop defining their value by what they have done or not done and what they have or don’t have.
Her mission and passion is to make a contribution to society by making a difference in the way people see themselves; especially those who have given up on life.
As the founder and owner of a outpatient substance abuse program, Focus One, she has treated thousands of troubled individuals from all walks of life for the past 25 or so years.
Many of these individuals were referred as the result of a drug- and/or alcohol-related offenses.
Others came to her voluntarily because their lives were falling apart.
They were depressed, angry, anxious, unhappy, discontent, their relationships were a mess, they were in financial trouble and/or they had an addiction to someone or something.
How The Dots Joined Up For Patricia Noll
It was through working with these patients that she discovered a lack of self-esteem because society had taught them to be other-dependent.
They felt that they would find happiness in other things, not within themselves.
Which lead her to begin looking at her own life in my personal quest for happiness, she made some very interesting discoveries on the way.
So why do we all assume that outside influences are the way to to true happiness?
And can she see this issue getting worse and worse as we all find it so much easier to see the achievements of others across the world?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots, with the one and only Dr.Patricia Noll.
During the show we discussed such weighty topics as:
How even when she was younger, she was always looking around at the others she ran with and wanted to be like them, even though they were no different in truth.
Why reports now indicate that over 90% of the world population are now suffering from low self esteem.
How she gets asked time and time again whether her job is a depressing state to place herself in everyday and feels that it is anything but…..in fact its her playground.
The reasons why “Comparanoia has become the latest buzz word across the world. It shows how we are all spending too much time looking at the results of others.
How if you have good self-esteem, and work on loving yourself then there is no way that someone can take it away from you. You are powerful and in control.
How To Connect With Patricia Noll
Or if you prefer just pop over to our podcast archive for thousands of amazing episodes to choose from.
Full Transcription Of Dr Patrica Noll Interview
David Ralph [0:00]
Today’s show is brought to you by podcast is mastery.com, the premier online community teaching you to podcast like a pro. Check us out now at podcasters mastery.com.
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK, David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:38]
Yes, hello, everybody and welcome to Join Up Dots Episode 368. We’re now finding our feet now after the change of format from seven days a week into three days things are starting to become slightly easier. It’s funny how when you’ve been doing something for so long, suddenly you sort of step back from it. You don’t know what to do with yourself. But fortunately, I’m still out to fill up my time by having conversations with wonderful people like I’ve got on today. And today’s guest on Join Up Dots is an expert in self esteem empowering people to experience long lasting real happiness from the inside out. Now, she does this by teaching them how to feel good about themselves, just because and to stop defining the value by what they’ve done or not done, and what they have or don’t have. Now how mission and passion is to make a contribution to society by making a difference in the way people see themselves, especially those who have given up on life. As the founder and owner of an outpatient substance abuse programme focused one, she’s treated thousands of troubled individuals from all walks of life for the past 25 or so years, and many of these individuals were referred as a result of a drug and alcohol related offence. Now, others come to her voluntarily because their lives were falling apart. They were depressed, angry, anxious, unhappy discontent. The relationships were a mess. They were financial trouble. And more often than not, they had an addiction to someone or something. Now it was through working with these patients that she discovered a lack of self esteem because society had taught them to be other dependent. They felt that they would find happiness in other things not within themselves, which led her to begin looking at her own life in her personal quest for happiness. And she made some very interesting discoveries on the way. So why do we all assume that outside influences are the way to true happiness? And can she see this issue getting worse and worse, as we all find it so much easier to see the achievements of others across the world? Well, let’s find out as we bring on to the show to start joining up dance with the one and only Dr. Patricia Noll, how are you Dr. Patricia?
Dr Patricia Noll [2:43]
I am great, David, thank you.
David Ralph [2:46]
It’s lovely to have you on the show because he’s going to be a bit of a different show. Because every episode, literally we are saying to people, come on, come on, look at sales and look at other people around you and they’re doing great things and why are you not So we’re going to do a totally different spin on this one. And we’re kind of going to delve into, I suppose, is that the way of doing it? Is it the right way of comparing ourselves to others? And I, I feel that you’re might have a contrary opinion to it, or?
Dr Patricia Noll [3:14]
Well, I do my opinion, actually contradicts most of what we’ve been taught, especially in psychology and what I learned in school, and I had started out teaching, and it actually even contradicts our fairy tales, David.
David Ralph [3:33]
In what way what kind of fairy tales are you talking about?
Dr Patricia Noll [3:37]
Well, I’m talking about the ones that tell us that someone’s going to come rescue us as as females, you know, our knight in shining armour. Our Prince Charming is going to come along and make us happy. Or, or for the guys, they’re going to find Cinderella Sleeping Beauty This wonderful, wonderful lady who’s going to spend her life making them happy. And what I’ve discovered along the way is that that doesn’t work. We’ve all bought into it. And then when we aren’t as happy as everyone else seems to be, then we wonder what’s wrong with us.
David Ralph [4:22]
But isn’t that just simply as all of another version of having faith, those stories are leading us to believe as long as we’re positive, something good is gonna come along isn’t isn’t a good thing to have, and those stories are worthwhile?
Dr Patricia Noll [4:37]
Well, I like the positive aspect of it because I teach that totally. I want people to think positive, first of all positive about themselves. But what we’ve learned from that, and, and, and in addition to the fairy tales, just as we go along in life, you know, and so we start to look around We start to compare ourselves. And it’s in that process of comparing ourselves to others that, you know, we also find out oh my gosh, there, there is something wrong with me. I don’t feel as happy. I need things to make me happy and it doesn’t last. And so I think we’re teaching I have found in my experience, or teaching the wrong message.
David Ralph [5:25]
So if we sort of step and actually look at your your history yourself, obviously you have become qualified you you work really hard at becoming a doctor. Was that something that you just passionately felt that you wanted? Or were you looking around in others and thinking doctors own a lot of money or doctors had prestige? That’s what I want? How did that come about? How did
Dr Patricia Noll [5:49]
that come about? a sec. That’s an excellent question. Because I’ve spent my entire life being what I call other dependent. You know, I I was thinking there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know what to do to be happy. And so the things that I did, I drank a little too much I shopped too much I ate too much junk food, I did just about too much of anything that came along, that sort of made me feel a little bit better. And in the end, it didn’t work. It didn’t last I didn’t really feel any better. Oh, maybe for a little while. And then I just kept thinking, gosh, am I ever going to get this? Why aren’t I getting this? Why aren’t I understanding? And so it was with working with people because of my own issues, that I spent time in treatment and therapy and, and learning what I could learn about myself and then I wanted to help others and when I started Helping others I didn’t have all the degrees. So I went back to school and got them.
David Ralph [7:07]
And then what were you when you went back to school? Were you sort of later student?
Dr Patricia Noll [7:12]
Later student That’s right. I was an adult. I was in my, you know, late 30s when I went back to school, so. And I only did that so that I could do what I wanted to do. And it wasn’t for I needed to be a doctor to look good or make a lot of money. I did it because I wanted to be able to give back what has so generously been given to me by others that knew more than I knew at the time.
David Ralph [7:45]
Now, that’s a fascinating statement that you had found your value before your passion, which is normally the other way around, isn’t it?
Dr Patricia Noll [7:55]
Isn’t it? Yes, but I was developing that passion as I as I went along. And I totally switched careers. I was in a career of advertising and kind of the fast life, if you will. And
David Ralph [8:13]
will you be racing? Will you be racing? Dr. Patricia? A fast?
Dr Patricia Noll [8:18]
Probably a little bit. I spent a lot of time with a lot of people having fun and doing all kinds of things that, gosh, I could have gotten in a lot of trouble, I suppose.
David Ralph [8:30]
And what isn’t that just the time of life? Isn’t that what we all do that we all live a little bit faster. And then as we get older, we slow down a little bit.
Dr Patricia Noll [8:41]
I think it is. I agree with you on that, David. I think we do run faster than we do when we’re older. However, my experience was that even when I was running fast and maybe drinking too much and partying too much and doing all the things that that we Young people, I still didn’t feel good about myself, I was still always comparing myself to others. And still thinking there was something wrong with me. I wanted to be like them. And I didn’t feel like I was
David Ralph [9:17]
who was the venue we’re looking at
Dr Patricia Noll [9:19]
other people who seem to be having a lot of fun and and seemed not to be worried about what other people were thinking about them in the way that I knew I was.
David Ralph [9:33]
So so it wasn’t like you were looking at celebrities and thinking I’d like to be the new Julia Roberts or something. You were looking at this old normal people but thinking they were different. maneuv
Dr Patricia Noll [9:44]
correct. Absolutely. That’s exactly right. No, it wasn’t about the celebrities at all. And you know, there’s some interesting information available today. That for example, young girls who watch Lot of TV feel worse about who they are?
David Ralph [10:04]
Well, I’ll say about that. Yeah. Because it’s a reality, isn’t it?
Dr Patricia Noll [10:10]
That it is it is. And so when we see other people having it, whether it’s on TV today or Facebook, for example, then, you know, we wonder what’s wrong with us. And, and, and here’s the thing that most of us are going through life with that I’ve discovered is that first of all, we are worried about what other people think about us, for the most part, not not everyone on the planet, but the majority of people are. And as a result, we want the approval of others and not only want it, we need it, we need to look good to others. We need to be right. And we need to control things in our lives so that all of those things happen so that we are right, we look good and we get the approval that we so desperately need from others. So we, we become chameleons, we lose our own identity. We don’t know what that is for us any longer. And we just keep just kind of trucking along, thinking, gosh, there’s something wrong with who I am.
David Ralph [11:17]
Because I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never cared about what people think about me. It’s just, if I’m in a room and there’s 1000 people, and by dislike me, or just being I’ll go and find another thousand people, and I just keep on going. And I’ve always had fat and so I’ve always kind of played by my own rules, unfortunately. Yeah, not being arrogant. I try to be nice enough to people but more often than not people don’t dislike me or say self critical things, whatever. But so you think that sort of opinion and outlook is quite rare in the world?
Dr Patricia Noll [11:50]
Yes, it is. You know, the research depending on which expert and set of research statistics, we want to pay tension to somewhere between 85% and 90 plus percent as it is written of our society has what is called low self esteem. So that 90 plus percent is worrying about what other people are thinking about them. So you’re in that
David Ralph [12:20]
Dr. Patricia, somebody jumping but 90% I could come up with 70% or something but 90% amazingly high, isn’t it?
Dr Patricia Noll [12:29]
Well, I don’t know, David, um, if we start to look around, especially here where I am, I see it playing out everywhere, you know, in small ways and in in large ways that really do destroy people’s lives. I see because of the over 26 years that I’ve spent working with people, thousands and thousands of people. I’ve seen this common thread Through every one of them, that they just at the root of the behaviours, the root of the way they feel, is not feeling good about themselves. And and it isn’t that we don’t get some moments of that, because it comes from the other dependent esteem that I have written about in in my book good with me. And it’s the way that we’ve been taught to look around us and see that, okay, I have to have this in order to be good enough. It’s about material possessions. It’s about Do I have the right degrees? Do I have the right title, the right job, the right relationship partner? Do they all make me look good? And so we’ve we’ve been taught, from, as I said, from the beginning, to start to compare and look outside of ourselves. For the Which makes us happy for that which is steams helps us esteem ourselves. And as a result, it’s very temporary and it doesn’t last and it comes and goes. And there really isn’t enough of it to last, we need a lot of validation to keep going. Now what does that make any sense? It does mean
David Ralph [14:19]
I don’t understand it. I’ll be honest, because I have a totally different point of view to it. But I can go with what you’re saying. But I do think 90% is incredibly high. But one of the steps that we talk about on this show about leading towards success in your life is becoming more aware of opportunities around you, you can look on the internet, you can see what other people are doing. And you can go Ah, that looks good. I never knew that was out there. Now, would you say about that is still a good way of going about it because I do I think that’s the perfect way of going about it, but I’ll be interested in your point.
Dr Patricia Noll [14:55]
Okay, here’s, here’s my point on it. I see that What we’re teaching young people and and I know I used to teach it myself when I first started my practice, for self esteem, what we’re calling self esteem really has nothing to do with self. So it’s all about other and something external. So the things that you’re speaking of that these things are available to us, I agree with you. I think that’s wonderful. I think it’s great that we have access to all the information that we do, and we can see things that before we didn’t know, we didn’t even know. And there was no way to find out. Right. So we now we can, you know, what we don’t know we don’t know is more available to us. So we get to put more of what we don’t know, we don’t know into what we do know. And that’s, I think a great thing. But as far as the, the what I call other dependent esteem, and what we’re teaching is that if you don’t accomplish these things. If you don’t achieve if you don’t have if you don’t know, then you don’t really get to feel good about yourself. Because it’s all about are you good in athletics when you start school? Or can you say your ABCs? Or can you read and it’s all about what you do instead of who you are. And that’s where I see our breakdown in in what we’re teaching. And so, I see us losing so many, especially younger people through the cracks because they aren’t keeping up or they maybe aren’t as educated or have the opportunities that some people have. And so some of them just give up on life.
David Ralph [16:57]
Now what we talk about Dr. Patricia is the fact But to really find your thing and not be interested in what other people are doing, find the thing that lights you up, you should go back in time and think about what you did as a very small kid almost before you entered the education system, and then started getting test and expectations thrown at you. When you look at the people that you’re dealing with in your, your clinic, do you see that a lot of them actually would be better placed if they did, but if I actually looked back when money wasn’t an issue, it was just what they liked doing.
Dr Patricia Noll [17:36]
I love what you’re saying, because that’s exactly what I what I teach is if you didn’t have to have a paycheck, what would you love to do? What What would you do if you could just do anything you wanted to do? Just because, and yes, oftentimes that does take us back to childhood. And not always sometimes, you know, I think we probably all know the The person who from the get go they, the guy, for example, who knew he wanted to be a fireman all his life, and that’s all he ever wanted to be. And then there are those that just don’t have a clue. They didn’t really want to be anything. And so I think that they have to start looking at what do I like to do? What would I What do I spend my time doing, if I didn’t have to have a paycheck or work, and then develop that passion find that passion in life, because my my experiences and my belief is that if we find our passion, as you’re talking about, that we will be good at it. And we can have fun with it. And so what what I teach David is changing the way we see ourselves so that we like who we are with or without what we do or have and then from that point On, we can enjoy whatever it is that we’re choosing to do. Whereas when we’re other dependent, and we need that approval, and we need to look good, because we don’t have that inner self esteem, that which I call self dependent esteem, then we can have fun, doing whatever we choose to do without having the stress of worrying about what other people are thinking about us or needing their approval. And we can be more like you. You’re a great example for what I teach
David Ralph [19:35]
you, but I was just kind of added, oh, just blessed. It’s, it’s my birthday coming up soon. And people are saying, you know, what do you want? I go, I don’t want anything. Just Just send me a card. You know, I don’t care for anything. I don’t wear watches. I don’t have anything really expensive. The only thing that I love doing, Dr. Patricia is having conversations like this. And as you were talking, I thought to myself, I went down the pub The other night, I met some old friends, we had a great night. But actually, what made it great was the fact that we were having really deep conversations. Yeah, we were having a drink at the same time, but it’s the conversations, it’s getting to know other people, which is the thing that lights me up. Now that doesn’t cost anything. But I know that that is my passion. And can other people find something that doesn’t cost anything? Is that what we should look at? First of all, try to find the stuff they did you know, the walking apart when the sun shining or just having a conversation with people or watching Netflix for the afternoon? Is that the kind of stuff that might start the ball rolling and make them look for a simple life which ultimately will help them find their own selves?
Dr Patricia Noll [20:44]
Yes, I think so. I agree with that. I think a walk in nature, I think just not having to be dependent upon the material possessions that we own and be able to to just enjoy whatever it is that’s going on, without being worried about what people are thinking about us. Is is the way to go.
David Ralph [21:10]
Now, um, and I suppose Actually, I was just gonna play one of our speeches. I’m gonna play that in a moment, but this fork just popped into my head and I like to go with it. I think the people who have found bare feet and just seem totally relaxed at being them is hugely attractive, isn’t it? It’s almost a quality that we don’t know why we like it. But it’s just seems that they’re like, they’re free. Somehow, when you look at the really successful people, a lot of them look like they’re playing, but they don’t look like they’re actually putting any effort into their day. And it is an attractive state to be, isn’t it?
Dr Patricia Noll [21:46]
It is and they are playing. You know, I can tell you know, just the difference between the way I live my life now and the way I used to, you know, I life used to be hard, David was very difficult because I was always thinking and having to be a step ahead and wondering what people were thinking and make sure I was doing the right thing. And I was pleasing everyone. And I didn’t realise that that wasn’t the way I was supposed to be. So there was something that I just didn’t know. And today, I life is easy. It’s fun. I love my life because I feel good about who I am. And I like you today. I’m not worried about what people are thinking about me. If they don’t like me, they don’t like me. That’s okay. If they don’t agree with me, they don’t agree with me. That’s okay, too. So I can be my own person now. And yet, that isn’t so for the vast majority of people.
David Ralph [22:48]
Well, the majority of people haven’t really found themselves I think we’re coming back to it time and time again that they’re playing a role and they go and they do a job that is paying them good money, but if actually got them on their own. It’s not what they want to do, they want to do something else, but they’re still willing to go for it. And I’m going to play some words now, but really emphasise about how you start making that movement to find that thing you want. This is Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey [23:15]
My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. And when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.
David Ralph [23:42]
Now, obviously, you you come from a different point of view to the majority guests that we have on the show, but is that still those kind of words that really resonate with you?
Dr Patricia Noll [23:52]
Yes, they do. Yes, but I do agree we can fail it, whatever we choose to do, whether we like it or don’t Like it. And the other thing is I don’t even like the word fail. Because I think we see it as a negative in our lives rather than failure, I see it as just learning how to succeed, and how to move forward in a better way in a different way in life. So I think we beat ourselves up with a lot of things like that unnecessarily, rather than seeing the positive side to those things. And I think that’s what Jim Carrey was talking about.
David Ralph [24:32]
And where do you find yourself on his path as he’s talking about? Have you have you been on both sides? Have you been the conservative route like his father was talking? And now the sort of Jim Carrey route or Have you always been on one side or the other?
Dr Patricia Noll [24:47]
No, I think I’ve been on both sides of it. very conservative, very careful, very cautious. Gotta have to do the right thing. And now it’s fun to take risks and it’s fun to be out there in the world. And and I have A sense of freedom and be more of a free spirit in life, which is a lot more fun.
David Ralph [25:08]
So so let’s sort of talk about your your job because your job doesn’t sound that fun to be honest, dealing with people with sort of issues, although you’re helping them easy. Is it fun? Is it play? Is it depressing? What was your day? Like?
Dr Patricia Noll [25:24]
You know, that’s such an interesting question. And I get that question quite often, you know, how do you do what you do day after day? And isn’t it depressing? And my response is, when I first started this over 26 years ago, yes, there were times that I thought, oh, what’s wrong with me, they’re not getting it. I need to do this better. I’d bring it home with me. And then I learned that I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness. I’m not responsible for them learning what I would like. like them to learn. And I could let that go. Not that I don’t want want them to get it, but none of us can be responsible for someone else says happiness, you know, if I’m happy, it’s because I’m thinking myself into being happy. So we have this misconception that we’re responsible for someone else. And when I could let that go, then I could lighten up and be the facilitator, be the teacher and put it out there. And then let them see learn it take it in, as they would do in their own way for themselves.
David Ralph [26:44]
But ultimately, don’t you become the thing that were dependent on? Did they know when they see themselves getting? I’m not going to say better but seeing a different route in front of them? Will they you know, ultimately say? Yeah, but I still need to see you Patricia still need to see Yeah, I’ve got to this point because if you do not become the thing that they’re dependent on,
Dr Patricia Noll [27:06]
no, I don’t, because that’s the way I facilitate and teach. I don’t want them to be dependent on upon me for the rest of their lives. I want them to know this be able to practice it, do it on their own. And Oh, sure, if they need some maintenance a check up here and there. And I have had had clients that have come to see me every once in a while, over the 26 years. And yet it isn’t something that they need to do and they’re dependent upon it maybe, you know, a tragedy or something. They just want to talk to someone who understands them about So no, that’s that is really my game plan is that they aren’t dependent upon me. I want them to be dependent upon themselves and be supported by others but not dependent upon it. And I think we do have various support groups where people do become dependent. And I see that that doesn’t work.
David Ralph [28:06]
So so you’re you’re like the mommy bird, but you keep them safe and they knock them out of the nest because it is their time to fly.
Dr Patricia Noll [28:13]
Perfect. You got it. That’s That’s exactly what I say where they want the only species that keeps our babies in the nest for years and years and years and years and years. And I and I do relate to the mommy bird or the animals in the wild, who say here, this is how you hunt. This is how you stay alive. And now it’s up to you to do it.
David Ralph [28:36]
So when you started writing your book, what was was that always a book in you? Or was it something that just kind of fell into place? Or maybe somebody said to you, we’d like you to write it. How did that come about?
Dr Patricia Noll [28:48]
Well, a little of both. I’ve had a book in me for probably 10 years at least, and kept saying, Oh, I’m going to write a book. I’m going to write a book and one Today I was working with a licencing agent who comes in and licence and renews my licence once a year. And we were talking and she was looking at the work that I do. And she said, Oh my gosh, you’ve got to get this out to the world. This is amazing. And I said, you know, I’m working on it. I’m working on it. And so after that conversation with her, I just got really put my efforts into it more than I had been. And so I wrote the book. But the reason I wrote the book, David, was to be able to get my message out to more people. It works, it helps people it changes lives. And that’s the real reason why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. That’s why I’m talking to you today is because I want to get this message out to the world.
David Ralph [29:54]
So you just don’t want a conversation with me. There’s there’s a reason why we’re doing this.
Dr Patricia Noll [29:59]
Well, I will conversing with you, but I’m
David Ralph [30:02]
feeling bad about myself. Now you see, I’ve got low self esteem. You
Dr Patricia Noll [30:08]
know, I couldn’t do that if you have self esteem, I can’t take it away from you.
David Ralph [30:12]
It’s yours. Is that true? Can you not do that? If somebody’s got good self esteem? Is it not easy to take it away?
Dr Patricia Noll [30:19]
That’s right. That’s right. You get to own it. And people can’t take it away. It’s that it’s that other dependent esteem. And, and maybe I can explain this just a little bit. When I talk about other dependent esteem. That’s the type of esteem that varies between high and low. You know, if if a lot of people like me today, gosh, if I’m getting a lot of likes on Facebook, for example, if I’m accomplishing a lot, you know, everything’s just going right, then, wow, I feel good about myself today. And yet, what happens maybe tomorrow when No one’s paying much attention to me. And you know, I’m not feeling all that great and I haven’t accomplished much today and feel like I’m just dragon and, and that’s when people aren’t feeling as good about themselves. And that’s what I call low other dependent esteem because it’s all coming from the outside in. And so when I have it from the inside out when it’s self dependent, it’s pretty static. It doesn’t vary a whole lot. And so, every day is a good day. Okay, so maybe I didn’t accomplish today what I intended to, that doesn’t make me a bad person. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. I just didn’t get enough done. That’s all.
David Ralph [31:46]
He is the difference between results and expectation, isn’t it? expectation is the killer and we we’ve been touching on that a lot on Join Up Dots.
Dr Patricia Noll [31:56]
Yes, yes. We set some very unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and then we’re a failure perhaps as a result, or we’re not good enough, or we’re not doing it right. Or there’s something wrong with me. Because other people look around me they’re successful. They’re doing what I’m not doing. So what’s wrong with me? And there’s that comparing, again, we do so much comparing, David that there’s a new term that’s been coined within the last few years is called compare annoy. Yeah,
David Ralph [32:30]
I can see that. I can see that. It’s very difficult not to compare though, isn’t it when, especially when you’re starting something new? I started off this this role here. And I suppose in the very first few months, I was very aware of what other people were doing because I was trying to find my thing. But now I don’t prepare at all. I just kind of just do my thing. And if it flies, it flies and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. But that compare noia that spot on, isn’t it because my More often than not, people are looking over and they are checking out the Joneses and seeing what the new car is and all those kinds of things. And it’s very difficult. You can see why people wanted. Well, why don’t get and I was sitting in the pub the other day with my mates. and I were talking about the new phone that was turning up. Now I don’t have any phone in my life. I love the fact that no one can get ahold of me. And I said to them, you know, why do you want the new phone? Oh, it’s a new one that’s coming out. I was like, Yeah, but what does it do? It’s different. And they were going, well, it’s got more apps on it. Yeah, but what does it really do that’s different, it doesn’t do anything different and they couldn’t quite grasp the fact that, you know, for me, it was just a phone. Do you speak on it? And well, hardly anyone speaks on the phone. Now they text and they do all these other stuff, but they don’t actually saw move on. But is that comparable noir again, isn’t it they know that their friends are going to get the new phone so they’ve got to sort of join in somehow.
Dr Patricia Noll [33:53]
Yes, and it goes back to what I was talking about earlier. It helps them look good. And maybe they get a little more approval out of it looking at the latest phone. So there’s part of that going on is as well. It’s it isn’t about just having a phone to talk on, it’s having a phone to look good with or to fit in and belong to be like everyone else. You know, I haven’t I have a saying that, I think from our adolescent years on into the teenage years and and even as adults, we have this mantra going on that says, I want to be different, just like you.
David Ralph [34:30]
Yeah, I like that. Yeah. And I do do see worse nowadays in the ladies or the men because I would just throwing this out here. I would imagine it’s it’s more difficult for women because women have got more things to compare against than men. We just kind of do our stuff really in many ways.
Dr Patricia Noll [34:50]
I see it in both, and it’s almost from what I see pretty equal. I think yes, there could be just a little more in women because of The expectations especially if it’s a married Mom, you know, now I have to be, instead of just putting out human effort, I have to put out super human effort, which I call this the she syndrome. But and I think that, you know, there’s that comparing there. And that happens, and they unrealistic expectations. Again, I have all of this to do on my plate. And I think, David, what we’re really talking about is that a lot of this leads to just way too much stress. You know, we’re more stressed as a society now than at any other time in history. And I think it’s a lot to has a lot to do with, the way we see ourselves and the expectations that we have and that we have to be successful, but we have to do it in a certain way, in order for it to be good enough.
David Ralph [35:55]
And normally that certain way is a way that’s been told. To us, not the way that we want to do it more often than not people get stressed because they’re having to do stuff that don’t doesn’t quite play to their strengths, or they’re trying to do stuff that quite simply other people should do, because they’re not very good at it, but they’ve still got to do it.
Dr Patricia Noll [36:15]
Yes, I agree with you. And how many children grow up to be whatever the family thinks they should be, you know, follow in the father’s footsteps, the mother’s footsteps, the family business, or be a certain profession career just to please others. And to get that approval from from others and especially parents,
David Ralph [36:44]
my my son, he’s just doing his latest stages or B’s, he’s education. So he’s 13. And he had to, we call them options. He had to decide what subjects to do. And it’s very difficult at that age to decide what’s right. So A lot of my friends were saying, right, you’ve got to do math, you got to do math, you got to do writing, you’ve got to do physics, you’ve got to do all these kinds of stuff. And I kind of felt a bit bad, really, but I would just say to him, just do the stuff you really like doing. Because if you really like doing it, you’re going to enjoy it. And you’re more likely to get the qualifications at the end van being pushed into stuff, just because it looks good on the CV, just because I’m in that kind of entrepreneurial spirit of, at the end of the day, if you really like something and you work really hard at it, you’re more likely to achieve and if you take that into your adult life, you’ve got a chance of creating your own economy and having a great life and doing whatever you want. So don’t pressurise yourself at an early age. But it’s true, isn’t it? We see that from parents all the time. You’ve got to do this. You’ve got to do that. It’s hard when you get out. But it’s hard because they’ve made it hard in many ways and they’ve gone down a route that it was hard for them, but isn’t necessarily what they should be doing.
Dr Patricia Noll [37:57]
Absolutely. I agree. Your son is very blessed to have the feedback from you that he’s getting. because too many children just don’t get that kind of feedback as you as you’ve just stated, and it does make life hard. And you know, we’re also conditioned, David to think that life is hard, you know, think of some of the things that we’re told, you know, no pain, no gain, the early bird gets the worm and, you know, nose to the grindstone. You know, so we have this conditioned, thinking that, okay, it’s going to be hard rather than if we do what we love, and it is our passion, then, okay, we might put in a lot of effort, but could it not be fun as we do it rather than hard and difficult. You know, and sometimes I think just the way we speak about things, the labels that we give things create a different approach. To them, you know, for example, the word problem which we use so often it’s just such an easy word to throw out there, oh, this is a problem or I have a problem with that. Well, the minute we use that word problem, we think differently about that situation.
David Ralph [39:19]
Funny actually, with this show, as I was sort of saying beforehand, we’ve just gone from seven days a week to three days a week, and I was delivering content that I thought my listeners wanted, and I’m passionately, passionately for that they wanted seven days a week. Since I’ve changed to three days away. I’ve actually seen my listenership go up. Now when you’re creating a show like this, that’s what you you live and die by by the amount of people that listen, and I still find it strange, but I’m doing half the work that I was doing before, but my ultimate results are improving and improving rapidly. So it makes me think that for a long time, I was pushing against to close door and I should have just shuffled along to try to find an open door to sort of move through to the next page of what I’m building here.
Dr Patricia Noll [40:07]
Absolutely, absolutely. And you had this perhaps, unrealistic expectation for yourself that I have to produce so many days can’t do it any other way or it won’t work rather than, you know, just crawling it and, and paying attention to, to what was
David Ralph [40:28]
out there, some football game into your book again, for the listeners out there, and some of them might be sitting there thinking, Yeah, I know. I’ve got paranoia and I’ve got low self esteem and I I like the new base and the new back and I want to go for it. Well, what would be a sort of a three step programme if we could ease one in for them to start working on from the moment that they finish listening to the show?
Dr Patricia Noll [40:54]
Oh, excellent question, and I’d be glad to show that the first step It is to start paying attention to what you’re thinking about yourself. You know, most of us go through life on autopilot kind of sleepwalking unconsciously through life. We’re not paying attention to what we think as much as would be helpful in this situation. So the first step is just start paying attention. And the way to do that is just ask yourself, What am I thinking? What am I thinking? And that’s going to be a little tedious at first. And maybe some people say, oh, wow, I can’t do that. But, you know, one way to get to what you’re thinking is through your feelings, if you’re feeling a certain way, and you really don’t like the way you’re feeling, maybe a little anxious, a little depressed or stressed or whatever it is, then there’s a thought that you’re having that’s creating that feeling. I think what we haven’t been taught is that our thoughts create, the way we feel and then the way we feel creates the way we behave in life. So if we can start with that thought, and then when we see what we’re thinking, then the next step would be to shift it, to shift it to something more positive. If if in fact, we’re not feeling great at that moment in time, and sometimes we can’t even find something positive going on because we’re so down. And in a situation like that, I, I suggest that we just make something up or, or call a friend and ask them for something positive that they can think of, get some support, find a positive word in the dictionary even and just repeat it all day long. Something that will allow you to shift to something more positive, which is going to allow you to feel better. And then lastly, is learn to have some fun. You know, we forgotten to play you know, children play. They have fun I think as adults, we have to lighten up and stop taking ourselves and everything so seriously. Not that we don’t want to do our best, but we don’t have to be perfect. And allow practice to make better instead of perfect.
David Ralph [43:18]
Great advice, great advice. And I’m sure that if there’s anyone as we will talk about at the end, if anyone wants to get more fat, they can find your book as well have the links on the show notes or connect with you directly. So that is a great three step programme that you’ve given there. Now, what I want to do now, I just want to sort of stop bringing us to the end of the show, by playing the words of Steve Jobs, who created the whole show, basically, he created the theme that we’ve linked everything around, and he said these words over 10 years ago, and I love playing these never get bored of a song going to do it. Again. This is Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [43:54]
Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college, but it was very Very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [44:30]
Dr Patricia Noll [44:33]
very special words. I love Steve Jobs and so many of the words that He has given us and i and i think that you know, connecting the dots is important.
David Ralph [44:46]
So So what is your big.in life? I love this question as well and I pretty much always ask it so what what is your dot when you look back on everything that really sort of set you on the road to Dr. Patricia
Dr Patricia Noll [45:00]
You know, I have thought about this, David. And I have to say my dots started, the day I was born. The parents that I had growing up that I didn’t relate to very well, and they didn’t relate to me not that there was anything wrong with them, but I didn’t know what then. And I remember, Justice growing up is like, Why me? Why me? Why do all these things happen to me? And what I see is that all of those dots were connecting, I had to go through what I went through to get to where I am, so that I can help others in the way that I do help them and so I think that my dots were a gift. And that, you know, every dot, every high every low, was was a dot that got me where I am and I think I’m still in the middle of my dots. That are still connecting, that are still taking me to the next step into a bigger vision of what I can do to fulfil my mission and my passion.
David Ralph [46:16]
And is that exciting for you? The fact that you’re you’re nowhere near the end, you’re still following the dots.
Dr Patricia Noll [46:23]
Yes, it’s so exciting. It’s, it’s, it’s very exciting. And every day to discover that there’s another dot, that’s something else. It’s It’s all a learning and all connecting. And I think we don’t get to the end of our dots until or maybe not here any longer.
David Ralph [46:43]
Good on you. Well, hopefully, you’re going to stay around for a little bit longer, certainly, so that we can send you back in time on the piece that we’re going to do now, which is the Sermon on the mind when we send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time and speak to the young Dr. Patricia what would you choose and what advice would you give? Well, we’re gonna find out because I’m going to play the theme and when it fades you up, this is for sermon on the mic.
Dr Patricia Noll [47:31]
Okay, I would go back to my younger self at five years old, my first day at kindergarten. And I remember still vividly the way that I felt I felt different from everyone else. My father took me to the first day of kindergarten and not my mother, like everyone else’s mother was there. So, and I looked around and I felt very different. And so I would I would say to my younger self, I wish you could know that you are absolutely good enough that it’s okay for you to be you to have your parents that you were so ashamed to have more fun, without depending on on someone or something to make you feel good enough. And to just be true to yourself and let yourself play and feel that freedom and be a free spirit and know that you are loved. So that you can relax and you can stop being afraid. And you can do and be whatever you choose to be. And it’s okay whatever that is. And to be grateful for everything that you have and do along the way. And not think that it has to be something different or something more, or always something better than where you are right now. It is what it is. And it’s okay to be there.
David Ralph [49:13]
Dr. Patricia. How can our audience connect with you?
Dr Patricia Noll [49:17]
They can connect with me through good with me.com which is the good with me website. At Patricia Knowles calm, which is my author website, they can email me at Patricia at good wish me.com. And I’d love to hear from anyone in the audience
David Ralph [49:41]
will have all the links on the show notes. Dr. Patricia, thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots and please come back again when you have more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Dr. Patricia now thank you so much.
Dr Patricia Noll [49:59]
Thank you for having me it was a privilege.
David Ralph [50:03]
Thanks for listening to today’s episode of Join Up Dots brought to you exclusively by podcast is mastery.com. The only resource that shows you how to create a show, build an income and still have time for the life that you love. Check out podcast is mastery.com.
Now, David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you or wants to become. So he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to Join Up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.