Faydra Koenig Joins Us On The Steve Jobs Inspired Join Up Dots Podcast
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Introducing Faydra Koenig
Faydra Koenig is today’s guest joining us on the Steve Jobs inspired Join Up Dots free podcast.
She is a lady who has gradually built her way to where she is today.
As her professional bio states “I am known in pop culture as America’s crisis Coach.
I come alongside celebrities, professional athletes, corporations and other high-achievers to manage their crisis situations, save their reputations and minimize damage to themselves and their families.”
Which is quite a dramatic statement to make.
But what has lead to her to want to build a career around dealing with other peoples heartaches, and personal distress.
What made her want to step boldly into a world of crisis management.
How The Dots Joined Up For Faydra
Well reviewing her career, you can see clearly the dots that have lead her to this point starting with a ten year stint as a Senior Case Manager at Tehama County Mental Health in California.
Before undertaking the role of Executive Director responsible for a 24 bed, licensed residential facility for the mentally ill.
But to my point of view, and we will discuss this on the show the true signpost showing her the way to her current position was as a Court Investigator researching petitions for conservatorship or guardianship to prevent abuse, neglect or fraud.
Combining the personal issues that are encountered by mental health, with the day to day stuff that life throws at people, it is obvious that one word is formed: Crisis.
So does she see her career dissection in the same way as I do, or does she feel that other elements have lead her to where she is today?
And how does she remain bright and breezy at the end of the day after dealing with the kind of issues that her clients are bringing to her?
Well let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Faydra Koenig.
During the show we discussed such weighty subjects with Faydra Koenig such as:
How she remembers being caught in her own personal crisis back in 2008, which lead her to the darkest place of her life, which she is still battling even today.
How she never feels that there are two types of people dealing with crisis. So which one do you feel after listening to the show that you fall into?
Why she worked so hard to teach her kids to never get a job, but instead create a job. This has proved to be far more lucrative than being an employee ever could be.
How Faydra looks at building a business like climbing a ladder. You can rarely reach out to the people at the top, but can certainly reach out to the next one just up ahead of you.
How she got fired from an amazing job for no fault of her own, and how she has had to learn to manage with dealing with the injustice.
Faydra Koenig Books
How To Connect With Faydra Koenig
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Full Transcription Of Faydra Koenig
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK, David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:26]
Yes, hello, everybody and welcome to Join Up Dots. This is the show to come to, because it gives me something to do you know, if you weren’t coming to it, I couldn’t be a full time podcaster and what a terrible life it would be because this is the greatest job in the world. And what this show is all about is to inspire you to go for your own personal, greatest job, whatever it is, whatever you want to do, as long as you start taking action, you can go for it. And today’s guest is somebody who has been taking action for quite a long time she’s, I suppose a lady who’s gradually built away to where she is today. postdates she’s known in pop culture as America’s crisis coach. She comes alongside celebrities, professional athletes, corporations, and other high achievers to manage their crisis situations save their reputations and minimise damage to themselves and their families which is quite a dramatic statement to make. But what has led to her to want to build a career around dealing with other people’s heartaches and personal distress? What made her want to step boldly into the world of crisis management well, reviewing her career you can clearly see that the dots that have led her to this point starting with a 10 year stint as a senior case manager at Tama county mental health in California, before undertaking the role of executive director responsible for a 24 bed licenced residential facility for the mentally ill, but to my point of view, and we will discuss this on the show the true signpost showing her way to her current position was as a co investigator researching petitions for conservatorship or guardianship to prevent abuse or neglect. At off road, combining the personal issues that are encountered by mental health with the day to day stuff that life throws at people is obvious at one word is formed crisis. So does she see her career section in the same way as I do? Or does she feel that other elements have led her to where she is today? And how does she remain bright and breezy at the end of the day, after dealing with the kind of issues that our clients are bringing to it? Well, let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Faydra Koenig. How are you Faydra.
Faydra Koenig [2:29]
oh my gosh, I am so fabulous. Thank you for that amazing introduction, which I know you do every episode I was so looking forward to it.
David Ralph [2:37]
It is a delight to do the introductions because it sets the theme doesn’t it and no matter who you have on the other end of the line, I think Phaedra it shows I want you on my show and with you. I do I want you here so you deserve an intro like that.
Faydra Koenig [2:53]
Oh, thank you so much. I’m bouncing deeply from California.
David Ralph [2:57]
On well dump out too deep in California because Why don’t you want let’s cut to the chase. Why are you in California? What’s it got? That is better than in the United Kingdom? Really? Come on?
Faydra Koenig [3:09]
Oh, I’m totally ready to jump the pond. totally ready to be there?
David Ralph [3:13]
Well, you don’t want to be in California. That’s that’s the place to be, isn’t it all the beautiful women running along the beach in the face lifts and all that kind of stuff that that’s the place to be in it.
Faydra Koenig [3:22]
Haha, I live in Northern California, which is more lakes mountains, we actually get snow. Our beaches are Rocky and they’re a little bit tumultuous. So it’s not what people conjure up in their head that California is that’s part of us. But our state is so long. It would take me about eight hours to get to the description You’re giving me
David Ralph [3:42]
are you anywhere near Mammoth Lakes in California.
Faydra Koenig [3:46]
You know, I’m fairly near there.
David Ralph [3:49]
I had a pleasant night in Mammoth Lakes ones many, many years ago is a very cold night and I got to this place. And we stopped off and we said is there anywhere to get something to eat? And they said oh, there’s restaurant at the end of the road. So we sort of walk out and we go off to get this, this restaurant and they wouldn’t open the door to us, which was really strange. So we crossed the road to get a pizza and just walked along with it sort of in our hands to our hotel room. And when we got in there, the guy said, What are you doing walking around with a pizza, and we thought it was some kind of law about it. But we didn’t realise that the black bears war coming out at that time. And the smell of pizza being walked along the street could have added us we could have got taken down by Yogi. Yeah, it’s
Faydra Koenig [4:29]
totally true. They just had an alert at one of the junior colleges that came across that there was a bear scene in the parking lot and for people to beware so that’s something that happens where I live.
David Ralph [4:40]
So you are surrounded by crisis all the time your crisis repairs and crisis with an internet connection because we just had that beforehand. What is it about crisis that excites you? Because I’ll be honest, I think I’d like to walk away from it sounds hassle.
Faydra Koenig [4:56]
Well, your bio was incredible. And it helps me reflect on my work history. And it was powerful. And I worked with thousands of people over a 22 year career. But the reason that I’m really focused on crisis is because of something I went through in 2008, I was part of a national scandal. And it really knocked me for a loop it blackballed, me in that industry that you just talked about. And it brought me to the brink of suicide, and I have a 10 foot tall personality, and I’ve got a lot of grit. And I didn’t want suicide to be the option. And so I had to figure out how to make that come off the table. And I had all these gifts and all these talents and all this experience, and yet I didn’t know what to do. And so figuring that out, is what has really developed my passion and why I work with the people that you described now celebrities, professional athletes, corporations, because I understand crisis management at a totally different level now and I am able to manage that. And I love teaching people how to manage it because I want to pay that forward. So that’s where the passion comes from.
David Ralph [6:09]
So if we look back at 2008, was it one of those moments where you look back on a goat, right? It was terrible. It was dreadful. But thank God, thank God it happened because it has shown me the way.
Faydra Koenig [6:22]
I’m still in it. So essentially what happened, I was an up and coming person. I was writing books and speaking around the world and doing amazing things. And I was single, and I met someone and started dating, and he was going through a crisis of his own, the state of California was accusing him of a white collar crime. And it’s a really long, powerful story, but I’ll condense it for you, essentially, watching him go through that with dignity and grace and just being an amazing man. While his government was coming after him and wielding power against him. was very powerful for me and to witness that. And along the way while he was fighting that we got closer, we got married, our families integrated, and we thought that things were going to get better. They didn’t. Ultimately he went to trial, and he was found guilty and sentenced to 43 years in prison. And when he left, I became collateral damage. And he’s been gone three and a half years now. And we’re in the appeals process. And when that happened, it was really, really tough. And I didn’t know what to do. And so here three and a half years later, I can’t say oh, my god, that was so worth it. And it’s made it you know me who I am today. All I can tell you is that bad things happen to good people. And I have now been put in this position to be of service. It’s the only thing I know what to do with this. And it has given me the ability to say I’m willing to be in this situation. If I can be of benefit to others, so it wasn’t worth it, because it was really, really bad. But again, I’m very, very happy to be able to help other people who might have not had access to somebody. Otherwise. Well, what
David Ralph [8:16]
do you think about the brazen Phaedra? Rock Bottom is your springboard to up but you’ve got to hit rock bottom to really want to fight your corner and come back strong.
Faydra Koenig [8:29]
You know, that’s interesting I when you say it that way I think about maybe somebody who’s purposefully going out and you know, making poor choices and their choices catch up to them and they hit rock bottom and they realise that they need to make a change. I think in that example, that’s a very positive powerful thing. I think when you get thrown into a pit and you hit rock bottom, it takes a little longer because you go through the grief and life cycle and feel like well, why me why that happened to me. Like I didn’t deserve that and you have to kind of lick your wounds and then decide Are you gonna spring back? And so in that case, it would apply differently than if you kind of brought it on yourself.
David Ralph [9:08]
Because I live in a world where I’ve had no crisis at all, really, I’ve done some stupid things in the past. But I look at it as a kind of weird self sabotage to get myself out of jobs and things that ultimately wasn’t making me happy. But actually in crisis, I don’t think I’ve ever had that at all. Are you surprised? Well, maybe not because you’re in a different environment. But are you surprised? How many people are in crisis? Or is it the case that people have kind of made the crisis happen themselves like I did?
Faydra Koenig [9:38]
I think that there are degrees. I think it’s the spectrum. I think that there are people who are thrown into crisis through no fault of their own family members murdered or they’re assaulted or something traumatic happens, a fire a tornado, something like that. Those people aren’t necessarily walking a line and then all of a sudden it implodes. It just comes out of nowhere. Then they’re all are the people Like you’re describing who have this just general malaise and and underwhelm with life. And so they’re self sabotaging and maybe they’re not aware of it. What I find interesting is that there’s two kind of buckets that people fall into those who are in crisis and know it, and those who are in crisis and don’t know it. And it’s interesting when I work with either of those buckets, how people serve themselves and what they’re willing to do to get out of the bucket.
David Ralph [10:27]
Well, why would they come to you, even if they didn’t realise they were in a bucket?
Faydra Koenig [10:32]
Well, to the degree so they might realise they’re in the I’m in crisis, but I don’t really know it, they just have this generalised anxiety or malaise. Or maybe they keep trying to do something and it’s just not happening. A lot of times people have spent a lot of money to get coaching or to go to school or to do different things. And yet, they didn’t get the outcome that they expected. And now they’re kind of like, okay, Phaedra why, like explained to me why and they’re coming to me very sceptical, And yet, I’m able to kind of turn the lights on in a really dark room for them. And they’re like, Oh my gosh, okay, now I get it. And then they can go back and implement or do whatever it is that they wanted to do. So they came to me not really believing they were in crisis, they just had this, like, I’ll check you out. I’ll see what you have to say. And then it becomes a real powerful thing for them.
David Ralph [11:20]
So let’s take you back in time, like we like to do on Join Up Dots was was this always part of your master plan, going into the sort of career choices that you went into? Or was it like most of us, a door opens, you think, oh, that’s an opportunity, and I go for it. I mean, 1015 years later, you’re still in it.
Faydra Koenig [11:40]
I think that my career in social work and family courts and mental health was very practical and tactical. In my childhood, I lived in a very abusive family. So from the time I was three until I was 13, I was living with a pretty deranged step parent who was sexually and physically and emotionally abusing me and doing a lot of torture situations. So it makes perfect sense that I went into the field of psychology and that I went into a line of work where I was protecting people or helping people get out of problems or solving, you know, those types of crisis in that way. What I find interesting is what I’m doing now, I always had a proclivity to speak, I think I wanted to be an attorney, or an airline stewardess or child. Yeah,
David Ralph [12:31]
I can imagine you doing both of those.
Faydra Koenig [12:34]
And I used to get in trouble for talking too much because I didn’t have great social skills because I didn’t have good parenting. And I remember a teacher in fifth grade making me wear a box over my head because I was talking too much. And back then the teachers used public humiliation for classroom management. So I think it’s funny that I get paid a tonne of money to talk now. And so I think the tendency was always there and I think that the fit of what I’m doing now speaking and podcasting and writing books and all that. I never dreamed that initially, but once I did dream it, it was pretty easy to make it a reality
David Ralph [13:09]
is a weird thing, though, that you’re saying, you know without dwelling on your childhood too much because it sounded horrific. But I would think that if it occurred to me, the last thing I’d want to do is kind of surround myself with like minded people, even though at your heart you want to help them, wouldn’t it kind of be repeating it in your mind all the time?
Faydra Koenig [13:30]
What’s interesting is I don’t have any like sexual dysfunction. I don’t have any like weird hang ups, my biggest issues coming out of that childhood were issues with authority, and I had to really learn in my 20s how to not have a big chip on my shoulder. I think the reason that I naturally went into social workers, part of it was geography. where I lived in Northern California, there weren’t a lot of choices. And I’ve lived on my own since I was 17. And I knew that I had a car payment. I had to pay my rent. I didn’t have anything That was going to help me go to college. So in my mind, I looked at where I lived, I looked at my circumstances and said, okay, the way to make money here is by working for the county working for the government somehow. And that provided the security that I thought I made up in my head was very, very important to have. And it provided that so that was how that all came to be. Now, interestingly enough, I have three grown children. I raised them radically different completely as entrepreneurs, and they graduate, they couple went to school, one hasn’t so far. And they all graduated debt free, owning their cars, and having every choice in the world before them and they’re living a radically different time in their 20s than I did. So. I think that the geography and the what I perceived in my head as the barriers or why I went into the work that I did.
David Ralph [14:55]
Now, this is interesting. So you actually raised your kids, we have an entrepreneur your mindset because I have spoken to hundreds and hundreds of people. And literally, just at the other day, I was speaking to a guy and he’s doing amazing stuff. And he’s dad is still saying to him when you’re going to get a proper job. Now, you obviously have a mindset that has instilled that belief, but you go off to something, you take action, there’s choices as opportunities into your kids. How did you actually do that? Because that is, as I say, radically different from the majority of people that I’ve spoken to where their parents are still ingrained in that, get a job, get a pension, retire at 65, and you’re gonna be happy.
Faydra Koenig [15:38]
Right? So I had none of that parenting influence on myself. I just connected the dots when I was in college, that these were the jobs that were going to be available to me. And so it was tactical, but I think I was always an entrepreneur, and my husband at the time we owned our own business. That was how we made most of our money. And then my job provided the security, the retirement the benefits and that sort of thing. But even within my job, I carved out my own entrepreneurial spirit within it because I don’t like to be caged in, I like to play in different playgrounds. And so I became the woman who drove all over California, and checked on people who were in locked facilities for the mentally disabled, and making sure that they were not being abused or neglected. And so I felt like I had tonnes of freedom. And I wanted my girls especially to have degrees because I believe that having my degree is what made it possible for me to be a single parent, as a woman in California at the time. And so I told my girls you know, you need to get that degree because it’s, it’s a safety net when you need it and the collegiate experience, it just matures, you and it teaches you really amazing things. But when they were growing up, I never let them have jobs. I made them create jobs, and they made more money as teens than most of their friends. And now My one daughter, she’s grad she graduated in four years. She graduates them in May. She was a professional athlete, a division one athlete. So she had most of our school paid for that way. She studied fashion and marketing. It was just a personal passion. And her the way she makes a living is she just purchased a food truck. And there, that’s a really hipster big deal where we live. And so she’s going into that market. And along the way, because I wouldn’t let her have jobs because really being an athlete was her primary focus. She had to find these really unique ways to make money. And I have an older daughter who is a disabled child, she’s high functioning, she lives somewhat independent, but she does have a disability and we knew for her she needed certain parameters to be successful in the workforce. So she actually is a massage therapist where she has the ability to set our own hours, work in a very quiet environment and not have to have a lot of stress and she is literally the most sought after massage therapist where she lives, she turns people away. And she makes more money in three days of work than most of her contemporaries make working, you know, eight hours a day, five days a week. So raising them that way and thinking that way. That’s just the only way that they know how to look at the world.
David Ralph [18:16]
Well, it’s the only way but I think all of us nowadays should be looking at the world. And I’m gonna play some words, and then we’re gonna delve back into this part of the conversation, because it’s what the show is all about is Jim Carrey.
Unknown Speaker [18:27]
My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. And when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.
David Ralph [18:53]
So if we put it into a lady’s voice, that’s the kind of words that you’d be saying to your own daughters.
Faydra Koenig [18:59]
Oh, absolutely. I lived that when Jim my husband was sent to prison because one of the things you mentioned is I was a court investigator. I did that for eight years. It was one of multiple streams of income that I had. I loved that job and they loved me. I never had anything less than a stellar review of my work. But because I was working in the same courthouse that convicted my husband, the political part of it was so big that they just fired me unceremoniously. They didn’t even give me the ability to resign, and I became blackballed. And so I was robbed of the opportunity to keep making money in a way that I was passionate and loved. And it forced me now to actually, I’m doing a lot of the same thing. But now I’m doing it in this online world where I’m very transparent about what happened to me, and I don’t feel like I have to hide it. I don’t feel like I have to be ashamed of myself. Actually. People are understanding the story, especially with shows like cereal and making a murderer. They’re starting to To see that our government in our legal system is very broken. So Jim Carrey speech during that graduation ceremony spoke directly to my soul and my heart and actually gave me the permission to go out and keep trying after I got fired.
David Ralph [20:16]
Can Can I do that in America man can I just fire you because in Oh yeah, in this country they would have to manage you out if you’ve had great reviews and great reports and stuff they wouldn’t be able to fire you they basically got to take forever to get you out.
Faydra Koenig [20:30]
Different states have different laws and if you work for a federal government or something like that, but in California it’s called a no fault they can just fire you at well you’re calling an at will employee and it’s it’s detrimental. It’s it’s bruises your ego. And one of the big problems is on job applications. There’s a spot that says have you ever been released from a position so you’re automatically have to say before they even meet you face to face that you’ve been fired at some point in your life? And I feel that that’s just really discriminatory. And it doesn’t give you the opportunity to talk about the reality of your life in your situation. So it’s scary.
David Ralph [21:09]
Well, I can imagine is scary. And it’s totally different ballgame over here. Yeah, if you do something bad, yeah. Ultimately, you can be sort of sad. But even if you’re, you know, poor performance, it takes you a hell of a day to get rid of someone. You know, I used to be a manager up in the City of London, and you almost you didn’t want to hire somebody, you wanted to keep them on a trial period. So but if I turn out to be rubbish, you could get rid of them easily. As soon as they were permanent. All the power went over to the employee, and it was very, very difficult.
Faydra Koenig [21:39]
Well, like with teachers, that’s the case. Once a teacher gets tenure, it’s very difficult to get rid of them. You’ll see that in our education system where teachers shouldn’t be there and you literally can’t get rid of them. So there’s different types of employment law that affect different types of positions.
David Ralph [21:54]
So you have been both sides of the fence and you have been employee and you’ve also been entrepreneurial, but to my way of thinking you are entrepreneurial. I can just hear it that the hustle muscle was bursting out from you. Would you ever go back? Or are you now now as being unemployable?
Faydra Koenig [22:14]
I believe I’m unemployable. Even when I had the housing programme that you mentioned, technically I had a board of directors above me, but it was my show, and I loved it. And I love leading people. I believe I’m a great educator. I believe that my life experience I have an ability to see people and meet them right where they are. I don’t know that I would fit working well with managers above me who were broken themselves or didn’t know how to manage crisis or they have personality crap that was getting in the way of their leadership. I think it would be very difficult for me, I’m 47 years old. I’m an empty nester. I’ve been through the wringer. I don’t have time for people’s crap.
David Ralph [22:53]
Are you a control freak though because I am a control freak now in time and location. I don’t have Anyone dictating and the only time that I’m dictated to is on these shows because obviously I’ve agreed with you to be better at a certain time. And so you’re there, I’m there and we do the show. But other than that, I’m really controlling about people dictating my time, are you the same?
Faydra Koenig [23:16]
I’m less like that than I’ve ever been. Because with the situation with my husband, we have so little control, and we are oftentimes discriminated against and things happen to us. And I’ve had to learn how to let people do or say whatever they want to say, and I can’t control that. But I’m very controlling of my personal space and who I’ll let in and I won’t allow people to have an agenda with me. So in that way, I’m very controlling but I think it’s from a healthy place. versus the other parts. Like if you want to meet on Saturday, that’s fine. Like I’m, I’m an empty nester, so I’m not trying to make sure I carve out time for my kids and things like that. I’m just in this season right now, where I have a lot more flexibility and because What I’ve been through, I’m a lot more easygoing than I’ve ever been.
David Ralph [24:04]
One of the things you said earlier that sort of piqued my interest was the fact that you said, I stand, I talk to people, I do presentations, I get paid a tonne of money. Do you think that money has is coming to you easier now? Because of the situation that you’re in? Are there hundreds of people doing what you’re doing? Or is it a very small group that makes it almost easy for you to earn the big bucks?
Faydra Koenig [24:29]
I’m not super aware of the competition. Chen, I don’t I don’t really look at it that way. I usually come alongside people who are doing something slightly different. So for example, I’ll oftentimes work with business coaches, or people who have a big tribe of people that come to their seminars or webinars about something. Maybe they are teaching them how to be speakers, maybe they’re teaching them about business. Maybe they’re teaching them how to write books, and those people are stuck. And they don’t know why and the coach is frustrated and the clients are frustrated I come alongside them and I talk about the crisis or the mind the personal development side and help crack that code for them and and then they can implement. I think the reason that I am able to command a higher rate is that I have 22 years of experience very practical experience. I’m, you know, have degrees I have this well rounded life experience that I bring to the table and not a lot of coaches can claim that and I think that’s why I’m able to command a bit higher fee.
David Ralph [25:38]
Did you ever have that situation? Oh, and I bet you did. Because all entrepreneurs have at the beginning when you were plucking that figure out that you had to quote Did you undersell yourself? Did you go big? How did it work out when you started getting yourself going?
Faydra Koenig [25:57]
Yeah, when I first began online, it was essentially a visible, and it made it very difficult. And what I noticed is that when people didn’t know me, it was hard to penetrate their circle. But once I got in, it was just like, Oh my gosh, where have you been, and that was over and over thing and my echelon of who I was hanging out with just kept increasing. But along the way, I had to offer my services at these reduced rates that were really painful. And they required me to put in a lot of hours, which is very draining, because what I do is intense and helping people and taking on that energy and making sure that I’m staying sane and healthy and not, you know, burning out. And it was hard because I felt I resented that I was doing it at the rate that I was, but it was kind of like when I first started a mental health I had to start out in the crisis, you know, working swing shift, you’ve got to pay your dues, you’ve got to show up powerfully and be consistent and be really good and people will take notice. And that’s what’s happened for me. I’ve been able to build a brand and be consistent with it and really, really help people to the point where word of mouth is what’s Helping me. And that is really what people have to be willing to do. You have to be willing to put in the time.
David Ralph [27:06]
Because we always say on this show be so good until they can’t ignore you anymore. And it was a phrase that Steve Martin, the comedian said, but I think is so powerful, but at the beginning of anything, you are literally making it up as you’re going along, you’re fine tuning your skills until you can take it to the next level when it becomes a bit natural, and then the next level, and it’s probably three or four levels in before people actually start noticing you. So do you remember that moment when you fall? I think the tide is turning here and I think I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Faydra Koenig [27:42]
Absolutely. I noticed a shift about a year ago when people were recommending me to be on certain podcasts. They were like, Oh my gosh, have you heard about this chick Phaedra and I was doors started opening to be a guest on certain shows. And then I noticed it again. Recently, when certain high high level coaches were starting to ask to have conversations with me, and I noticed that my name was going around and people were saying, you know, I’ve been hearing about you for a while, or I’ve been watching you for a while. And all of a sudden people that would have never taken my call or answered my email, because I would have been just completely off their radar are actually either answering the email or actually coming to me first, and that was the inclination. Another big one. When was when like Huffington Post reached out to me and asked me to be on their shows, and I’ve had a few producers reach out to me and do what they call sizzle reels for some reality shows. So it was just a hint, it wasn’t a guarantee, but it was something that made me realise Okay, this seems to be working.
David Ralph [28:50]
Right. One of the things that you will be encountering all the time then is once that tide turns, you suddenly get a lot of sexy opportunities to catana and some of them will pull you away from your your core message, your core branding. How do you deal with that? Because I see that in my own life at the moment, I get loads of people coming along and say, you should be doing this, you should be doing that. Some of it very lucrative. But I know that ultimately it’s going to detract from what I’m aiming to create. And that is a show that branches out from the podcasting poll into general media and these opportunities I’m going to detract from how do you find that
Faydra Koenig [29:34]
I’ve had the fortune to make some really great new friends that are probably three steps ahead of me. Maybe their reaches bigger, or their bank account is bigger, or their walk in this world that you and I are in is longer, and I have their mentorship so I have the ability to go to them and say, Oh my gosh, this, you know, television show just reached out to me. What should I do? And I remember very specifically, a woman who’s really really has an amazing story. Media reach. I mean, she’s at the Oscars. She’s just she’s all over sending her, Hey, I think I’m gonna send this reply for this request to be on the show. And she’s like, absolutely not, do not send that. And she was able to ground me and help me understand how it all works. So having that mentorship has helped me really evaluate, is this opportunity going to take me closer to where I want to go? Or is it actually going to spin me off into something I don’t want? Or is it going to take me farther away from where I intended to go? So I use that mentorship.
David Ralph [30:30]
And is it important for everyone, even somebody who’s bootstrapping right at the very beginning? Is it vitally important for them to find a mentor?
Faydra Koenig [30:38]
Yeah, so here’s the deal. Here’s the way I look at this. If you think about the numbers one through 10, right one at the bottom of a ladder number 10. At the top, a person who’s at Wrong Number one, they don’t speak the language. They can’t hear the terminology. They can’t even conceive of what a person on level 10 is talking about. It’s just so esoteric to them, but they can hear and speak and, and reach up to someone who’s on record. Three, and the person who’s on run three can reach up to their mentor and they can reach down and mentor other people right up and down. And eventually that person on rung one will be a level 10. If they keep at it, they can do that. So I look at it like that, if you’re just starting out in your bootstrapping, one of the things that I know for myself, when I moved, I moved from far northern California, where I live for 46 years down to Sacramento last year. And one of the things that I wanted to do when I got here is I just wanted to be of service. I wanted to reinvent myself, I want to make all new friends. I just really wanted to be who I am today with my story, and either you can love me or not, and we’re still I’m still gonna be okay. But I started plugging into people and I started to mentor them and all the things that I’ve learned and I’ve paid a tonne of money and coaching to get to where I am, and I just started pouring it out into other people. And there’s a couple that I’m really fond of, and they’re brilliant young couple and they just wrote this book. I just poured into them. It’s like, here’s the world according to Phaedra. Here’s the thousands of dollars like 10s of thousands of dollars that I’ve spent in coaching, I’m just going to tell you everything and anything I know. And they rocked that launch. They went to number one, within seconds, I swear of their book launching and, and just feeling so proud. And they didn’t have any money. And I didn’t charge them a dime. But I gave them you know, my $80,000 brain trust and just gave it to them. So if you’re bootstrapping, and you’re trying to just figure it out, there are mentors like me out there that are just want to do it, because we just want to be of service and we’re not going to make it expensive or hard for you to get it.
David Ralph [32:38]
And what was it about this couple that so appealed to you. And
Faydra Koenig [32:43]
there was a number of things. I’m a Christian, and I’m a newer Christian. And in that walk, I’m pretty edgy kind of Christian, and we met at an event. And I think that water seeks its own level. I have a very big personality. I’m very self assured and very competent. And I was Making in this group of there’s probably 60 people there at an event. And he approached me after and just wanted to introduce himself to me and I felt that same vibe, and I look at this kid, he’s probably 27 maybe. And I thought, Oh, man, you are, I wish I wish I had a me when I was your age. And I just had this, I was compelled to want to just find out more about them. We met for coffee, and under the guise of business, this and then it started to come out about Oh, they go to this church and it’s really progressive and it just felt right so for me it was a God thing that I think we all were supposed to meet one another. And they poured into me in a lot of ways have made so many great introductions in the in the area that I’m new to, and I just poured into them because I wanted them to succeed and I feel like they’re a big sister, and I just had this compelling desire to see them not have to suffer when I already had some answers that could be a value to them.
David Ralph [33:57]
Now you say is a good thing on this show. And it’s the same kind of thing really, we talk about the inner voice, that small voice that will dictate you. And basically it comes down to faith, either your personal faith, or your faith in the Almighty, whatever you believe in, and I’m gonna play some words. But Oprah said recently, and I think they are so powerful about listening to that, that inner voice,
Oprah Winfrey [34:20]
the way through the challenge is to get still, and ask yourself, what is the next right move? not think about, Oh, I got all of this too. But what is the next right move? And then from that space, make the next right move, and the next right move, and not to be overwhelmed by it. Because you know, your life is bigger than that one moment. You know, you’re not defined by what somebody says, is a failure for you. Because failure is just there to point you in a different direction.
David Ralph [34:51]
Now, as I say, you you talk about feeling the power of God or the words or the wisdom of God, she’s talking about that small, quiet voice But it all comes down to believing in something. Do you believe more in outside environments or your own inner one? What helps you push through those obstacles?
Faydra Koenig [35:13]
Well, for me, I consider that inner voice, the Holy Spirit. And him and I are pretty good pals. And he’s, it helps give me direction. And it’s so funny that the excerpts of use the the words you’ve used, I’ve experienced both Jim Carrey and Oprah, I was actually in a live event with her and she was speaking very much to that, and it’s so true is just make the next right choice. Or as I often say, to my clients make the best of the available choices because there are times when none of the choices are good, they all suck, but you can make the best of them. And just looking that far down the road helps. And so that inner guidance, some people call it their GPS, the higher power the Holy Spirit, whatever it is, it knows it already knows and it won’t give you more to think about or more to do that. You can handle it comes in little bite sized pieces. So it’s kind of like a compass, you can turn a little left to turn a little right and it’s going to show you that truenorth. So I just walk towards whatever I believe the Holy Spirit is showing me as my truenorth.
David Ralph [36:15]
Now, I’m not religious in any shape or form, but I do have a real strong belief in myself. And, as you say, the word compass. We used to say this a lot on the show, but we haven’t mentioned it a long time about your body’s compass. And when you feel just kind of flat, you’re wrong. But when your stomach churns, and you feel a bit scared and anticipation, that is the right way and literally you should be going where you feel scared because that is allowing you to grow. Do you see the same thing?
Faydra Koenig [36:46]
I would word it just a little differently if you feel thrilled but scared like the imagine yourself on a roller coaster. Here’s where you’re going to know if you’re born to ride roller coasters. If you’re on that incline and it’s going ching, ching, ching ching. And you’re thrilled and scared at the same time you were born to ride roller coasters. But if you’re going up and it’s going, ching, ching ching, and you want to throw up in the world’s worst way, and you’re white knuckling and you’re wondering why the hell you ever even thought to do this, you were not meant to ride roller coasters. So there’s times when our gut and the thrilling scared nervous is, oh my gosh, it’s exhilarating. It’s do it afraid, do it afraid. But there are times when that is your inner knowing, saying stop it. Now. That’s your like, lizard brain telling you, you know, the bobcat is the Sabre toothed Tigers right out there, it’s gonna bite you. So you have to know the difference.
David Ralph [37:39]
The bat is after the pizza. That’s that’s another way of saying it. So So do you think that people really should listen to that voice? Do we ignore it too easily, but outside influences? We ask other people’s opinions. We go online, do you think the answers more often than not are within us?
Faydra Koenig [37:58]
I think that when we are brutally honest with ourselves, we spent a lot of time in our ego, letting our ego run the show. And the ego is going to tell us anything it needs to do to protect us. So it’s hard to say, Oh, just listen to your inner voice. Because if you’re jacked up in your mind, you’re getting misguidance. And that’s not going to help you. But if you can get to that place of being brutally honest about the good, the bad, the indifferent, the ugly, then yes, because that inner voice is going to tell you, you’re drinking too much, or you shouldn’t do those drugs or you need to stop doing this activity. And your ego is going to say, Yeah, but so if you’re living in a world where Yeah, but it’s frequently part of your vernacular, you’re probably not ready to listen to your inner voice, so you got to figure that part of it out first. You do have an ego
David Ralph [38:49]
Faydra Koenig [38:51]
Oh, we all have an ego. My ego wants me to be drinking you know, full fat coffee lattes, and Eating Taco Bell and pizza every night, right? Because it feels good. Yes. Right that
David Ralph [39:07]
so how do you override that? Because it is pleasurable, isn’t it? You know, as you say, we’ve all got an ego, but how do you control it to make sure that that ego doesn’t control you?
Faydra Koenig [39:19]
I have learned a couple of key things. One is to give myself grace. And Grace is the inward acknowledgement of whatever we feel. So when I acknowledge that I’ve got a sweet tooth, or I acknowledge that I’m sad, because I miss my husband or I acknowledge that I’m really pissed off at the government or I acknowledge that I feel picked on acknowledging it allows me to feel the full range of whatever that human emotion is, and so many of us spend time trying to stop the feelings. Maybe we deny them, maybe we drug them, maybe we you know, whatever. By allowing myself to cry if I need to get mad if I need to, and An appropriate way it gets it out of my system. And I feel heard by my own self. The other part of that is outward validation. having a conversation with somebody that’s wise and not just looking to commiserate with you, somebody that’s wise. And you can just say everything you need to say, because the reason people stay stuck in a crisis is that they don’t feel that they’ve been heard. They haven’t heard themselves and they haven’t been heard outside of themselves. Once those two things happen, it gets your you get sick or your own story, you’re ready to like, move on. And that is what I try to do. When my ego comes into play. My ego wants something so I try to go to that place of grace, feel whatever I’m feeling, maybe have a conversation outside of myself with somebody about it. And then I don’t need the full pizza. Maybe I can just have a slice of it.
David Ralph [40:52]
Now being where you are at the moment being invited on to different shows. Obviously you aren’t going to be repeating your story time and time again. isn’t gonna come a time when you go Enough is enough. I’ve gone over it too many times.
Faydra Koenig [41:04]
Okay, so I love this. This is where I am right now. So check this out. I launched my show, December 28. And my show is all about people who have had what I consider high end crises, things that typically don’t happen to the general population. They come on, they share their story, and more importantly, they share the real practical things that they did to get through the fire. Right, the show’s called coming out of the fire. And what I’m trying to do is number one, help people never feel alone because everyone who comes on my show they make one of the agreements is that you will make yourself available if somebody wants to reach out to you. The other thing is that they say, Oh my gosh, I am so I’m so blown away that I’m sharing this dark secret. I’ve never told anybody this before. What happens is we have a dialogue just like you and I are having so I’ve been talking about my story for months now over you know, my multiple, multiple interviews. And I’m like over it. It’s no longer this big heavy burden that I’m trying to convince the world that I’m lovable and likeable, you want to hang out with me. And I’m just kind of getting over it. So I’ve noticed in my own show, it doesn’t come up as much. I’ve noticed I was on a blab last night, that was huge. And they kept wanting me to talk about the story. And I just thought, really, you want to hear that that tired, old thing? So yes, I am getting to that place. And so what you’re going to fill up the time with what you’re going to create stories, what you’re going to talk about? Well, I think that the focus is just going to shift more on other people and their stories and when it’s appropriate and anecdotal. Mine will come into play. However, I will say Jim’s appeal was filed a month ago and we really hope that this is the year that he comes home. Now when he comes home. That’s going to take us out On a whole different trajectory because his story is parallel to mine, but it’s unique and different. Right? And, and within that there’s this really powerful love story of how we stayed together and how we, you know, we’re broken. I mean, he his net worth was in the millions and we were torn down to nothing and and how we were able to not hate, you know, cannibalise each other why I didn’t just go off and divorce him. So I think that there’s a new story or new element of the story that will become powerful but this part of the story the whole gene and awful like what happened to me I got fired. I think that will become just a fraction of a much more powerful, amazing, bigger story.
David Ralph [43:40]
You becoming like the Oprah of crisis on you, you know, she has got so many different stories, compartments of her life that she taps into every now and again, but sort of maximum effect. I see the same thing with you.
Faydra Koenig [43:54]
Thank you. I appreciate that compliment. I feel that it used to if you look at my system, And on paper I look like a train wreck and then when you get to know me you recognise hmm okay? There’s not like this dysfunctional person. It’s that I’ve had these series of events happen to me that were not planned. We’re not necessarily anything I drew to myself and yet they still are. And I appreciate that I had this wisdom and this intellect I think that’s one of the things that saved me as a child is I had, you know, a higher IQ, I was able to reason and look at things differently. I there were things that I didn’t take personally. And so now Yeah, I can I can go out and be a mouthpiece and a thought leader and write books and and be on shows and actually be helpful versus just this big bull horn of crisis stuff.
David Ralph [44:49]
Interesting, really interesting. Well, these are the words that I created the whole show back in 2005. The guy is no longer with us. But he’s words live on Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [45:00]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [45:35]
So is it too easy to look back at somebody’s life and say, yes, the dots join up?
Faydra Koenig [45:42]
I think that we are oftentimes given what I call the grand invitation. And that grand invitation is to make a decision. It’s a fork in the road. And if you choose the best of those two choices, I think that you can look back and see how the dots connected if you’re in denial And you’re just refusing or you’re tantruming it’s very difficult because the choices may have lined up so radically different than they could have been. But I do think that overall, there’s positive and there’s negative choices along the way. And you do look back and go, wow. Now, in the Christian perspective, you know, there’s the what was meant for your harm can be used for the greater good. And I love that because it shows me that what looks to be a really crappy thing has the ability to be really positive and I but I play a role in that part of that is my attitude about it. Part of that is the decisions I make. Part of that is the actions that I take. So I play a role in how long it drags out, or how intense it is, or how bad I feel about it. So I agree with Steve Jobs tremendously, but I think you look at a man of that character and you recognise he had an intellect Will a drive a brain trust mentors, people in his life that he made the best of those available choices. So you’ve got to not only, you know, think like Steve Jobs, you got to act like a Steve Jobs,
David Ralph [47:13]
because we talk on the show a lot about the black dots and the white dots and what you were saying there is literally in a different way of thinking about it. If you’re going on your timeline, the black times in your life, if you get far enough away from them more often than not become the white dots, they become the good things you can’t see at a time. But you can only move to where you are because you’ve been through them. It’s the same kind of thing, isn’t it? Yes, absolutely. So where would you say your big dot was in your whole life, the one that really made you become the Phaedra that we’re seeing today?
Faydra Koenig [47:47]
Well, I used to have thought it was my childhood. And then I used to think that it was the divorce that I went through. I definitely no as of today. It is the sixth With Jim and the conviction point, that was the dot, the day of the conviction was the defining moment.
David Ralph [48:07]
And do you remember like photographic memory?
Faydra Koenig [48:12]
I see words. So some people see images, I see phrases and words.
David Ralph [48:20]
Hopefully we’re gonna go on for a moment now. I was, I was hanging on your story. Yeah.
Faydra Koenig [48:26]
Yeah. So I see things in headlines like you’d see in a newspaper.
David Ralph [48:30]
And is it something that you in your heart has, obviously the appeals going through and fingers crossed? It works out for you. But do you see if the appeal doesn’t work, but things won’t change. It will just keep on moving on that that positivity, that belief that’s in you, but you are going to write the wrong is that going to stay with you?
Faydra Koenig [48:51]
One of the things that’s interesting and one of the reasons that for Phaedra Christianity was such a paramount thing as I saw so many really crazy free Key miraculous things that happened through knowing my husband. What I know now and I’ve been divorced multiple times, my first husband was mentally ill couldn’t stay married, no fault of either of ourselves. My second husband had an affair with one of my closest friends. And you know, that is what it is. What I know about the situation with Jim is I know how to walk away from a situation I know that how things can get tough, and you just say, you know what I’m moving on. But there’s something about this marriage with Jim and a lot of people use that. Corinthians quote, when they have their wedding ceremonies, for better for worse, for richer for poorer In sickness and health. I understand what that means at such a cellular level. I never understood that before. But there’s something about this marriage and something about this man, that he’s literally tattooed on my heart and I would no sooner divorce him as I would deny one of my children. So if this is the marriage that we have, this is the marriage that I’m going to keep it whether he’s home or whether he’s not And it’s not going to change. So if we don’t win the appeal, then we’re going to figure out how to make this unique situation the best unique situation that any two people who have ever been in it have had.
David Ralph [50:15]
No, I love that. I love that. What a powerful statement to me. Well, this is the end of the show Pedro, I could have this show going on for two hours, but we got to bring it to the whole. And this is the part of we called a sermon on the mic when we send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time, what age fader would you choose and what advice would you give? Well, we’re going to find out because I’m going to play the theme tune and when it fades you up. This is the Sermon on the mic
Unknown Speaker [50:49]
with the best bit of the show,
Unknown Speaker [50:56]
Faydra Koenig [51:04]
Hey there 20 year old Phaedra Wow, you are so much more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. Yes, you are six feet tall. Yes, you are a size 12 Yes, all of your friends are about five foot six in size four. And yes, you feel like a mammoth compared to them. But let me tell you something, your curves, your height, your wisdom, your viciousness, your insatiable desire to learn and to affect the world. That is the stuff just keep it stop trying to hide it stop trying to be small stop trying to be quiet. Because guess what, one of these days the things that you thought were your detriments are actually the things that are going to make you a lot of money, bring you a lot of happiness, help you impact the world and you know what you don’t realise in your 20 year old self is that the whole reason of being Hear is to actually impact the world.
David Ralph [52:04]
Phaedra was the number one best way that our audience can connect with you.
Faydra Koenig [52:08]
The number one best way is to listen to coming out of the fire on iTunes because that is so much fun. If you want to get in touch with me personally, all you’ve got to do is go to doing life with phaedra.com on the bottom of every single page is a contact me form. I would be glad to have a conversation with you.
David Ralph [52:27]
We’ll have all the links in the show notes Phaedra thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots Please come back again when you have more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our paths is the best way to build our futures Phaedra Thank you so much.
Faydra Koenig [52:44]
Thank you Bye bye.
David Ralph [52:47]
Wow, that lady was on full of fire coming out of the fire you she’s in the fire. She’s out the fire. She’s in the fire. She is passion all the way through and you can hear that she loved being on the show and if you go over to her Show, you can hear that she loves doing as well. And that comes across. And that really is, as I keep on saying, When you find your thing, you will naturally love it, you will just enjoy it. And life becomes easy. Life is hard, but it doesn’t feel like it. It just becomes pleasurable. And that’s what I want for all of you. So please start looking at it, thinking about yourself, asking the right questions of yourself, what should I be doing with my life because you’re only here once so let’s make the most of it. Let’s work with you to become who you should be. Thank you so much for listening to this one. This was David Ralph, as always Join Up Dots
CEO. David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant sell fewer wants to become. So he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to Join Up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.