Welcome To the Join Up Dots Podcast with Bryan Falchuk
Introducing Bryan Falchuk
Today’s guest first joined us on Join Up Dots back on episode 721, when he shared his steps to transformation.
Not only in his own life, but in the lifes of people across the globe.
As he heard on the show this is a man who overcame adversity, lost nearly 100 pounds, ran a marathon, dramatically changed his diet and created an approach to help others live a better life, every day.
He called it the Do a Day method and through his book which is still flying off the shelves of Amazon and other good book stores, and his thriving online business he now shows us the steps to doing this.
Changing our lives by small, doable steps, leading to overcoming the impossible, instead of tackling huge challenges head on which just wear us out.
How The Dots Joined Up For Bryan
The key thing to this episode is the last time he was on the show he was still working a full-time job.
He was struggling the spinning of the plates that so many people find too hard and give up on.
But he did things differently, and in today’s show we will delve into the things he did to find the time, the energy and the passion to make it happen for himself.
So was taking the leap a great thing to do, or simply has lead to him realising how little he knew about creating his dream-life?
And what would he do today, if he could go back and change a few of the dots around in his past?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Mr Bryan Falchuk
During the show we discussed such weight subjects with Bryan Falchuk such as:
Why we tiptoe around issues nowadays as we are too frightened to share our true views on life due to the fear of upsetting anyone.
How the world is losing the ability to focus and truly listen to each other on a daily basis.
How Bryan realised that building a winning path was not about the fight but actually the need to find common ground.
Bryan shares how he transitioned from a full-time corporate guy, by first entering the world of startup. A great idea to smooth the way.
Interview Transcription For Bryan Falchuk Interview
David Ralph [0:01]
Once upon a time, there was a guy with a dream a dream. He’s Jobs for himself online and have a kick ass life working when he wanted him where he wanted across the world. Little did he know that dream would lead him into a world of struggle, burnout and debt, until he found the magic ingredient and nose struggles became a thing of the past. Of course, what’s bad person? And now My dream is to make things happen. BU Welcome to Join Up Dots.
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be but somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK. David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:56]
Yes, I’m still live from the back of the garden. I’m still We’re in the same old place that I have been recording for over six years now. And I’m glad to have you here. I’m glad to have you here every single time. And I’m particularly glad to have today’s guest. Because as you would have heard on Join Up Dots over the last year or so we’ve been connecting the dots again. And as I always say the show, please come back again when you have more dots to join up. Well, today’s guest has got more dots to join up. And so he’s back with us. Now. He was first with us on episode seven to about 1000 episodes ago, when he shared his steps to transformation not only in his own life, but in the lives of people across the globe. As we heard on the show, this is a man who overcame adversity lost nearly 100 pounds ran a marathon dramatically changed his diet and created an approach to help others live a better life every day. He called it but do a day method and through his book, which is still flying off the shelves of Amazon and other good bookstores is thriving online business batty now has started to show the way He wasn’t at that point, changing our lives by small doable steps leading to overcoming the impossible instead of tackling huge challenges head on, which just wears out was his mantra. Now the key thing to this episode is the last time he was on the show, as I say, he was still working a full time job. He was struggling, the spinning of the place that so many people find too hard and give up on but he did things differently. And in today’s show, were delve into the things he did to find the time the energy and the passion to make it happen for himself. So was taking the leap a great thing to do, or simply has it led him to realise how little he actually knew about creating his dream life. And what would he do today if he could go back and change a few of the dots around in his past? Well, let’s find out as we bring on to the show to start Join Up Dots one more time with the one and only Mr. Bryan Falchuk. Good morning, Bryan. How are you man?
Bryan Falchuk [2:56]
Hey, David. I’m really well thanks for having me back on
David Ralph [2:58]
is great to have you on It’s funny, I look back on certain shows, and there’s certain shows where I don’t remember much. But I, I talked about, you know, we have a lot of conversations. And the two when I was thinking about you coming back on was the fact that you was working for an insurance company that I used to work for, and that you had a mental breakdown about a donut. And I remember that storey really saw and that sort of gets people to go back to Episode 721. And what why did he add this? His breakdown about a donut? It was a strange story that one
Bryan Falchuk [3:35]
yeah. And so when I had you on my show, you called me out for it. And I was like, have no idea what you’re talking about. And we had the same guy. It was a hot dog. Oh, was he a hot dog?
David Ralph [3:44]
Bryan Falchuk [3:45]
No, no, a donut would have made a lot more sense. It wasn’t even my hot dog. I think that’s what makes it even worse. It was my son’s because I don’t need hot dogs. But yeah, either way like it that doesn’t make it a better storey or worse storey. It’s still running. But yeah, I kind of had this a little bit of a public meltdown in a in a restaurant and was all worked out but yeah, not embarrassing it all works out nicely.
David Ralph [4:10]
But don’t you look back on these things I look back at my my failings in my business the things that I’ve done so stupid the things that cost me so much money and I came to smile and they’ve become my storeys and I sit with people and I said oh, I tell you what I did this was that bloody stupid thing I did you know what at the time it was the worst thing in the world it stranger as far as you move away. Your worst times become entertainment.
Bryan Falchuk [4:40]
Yeah, you know, what’s, what’s interesting? Are we talking about I mean, the show specifically, that was one of the dots in YM back on the show. And I don’t remember that storey generally you bring it back to mind. But yeah, now I see like that is a difficult human interaction, a difficult relationship. And that’s ultimately what my Current focus with with my new book is about and that’s, it’s kind of funny, I wasn’t even thinking about that example. But that’s 100% on the, you know, the the idea that I’m focused on right now. So that is a
David Ralph [5:12]
professional and I professional and I sucked you in. So go on why you’re here why you’re plugging. Tell us about your new book.
Bryan Falchuk [5:19]
Yeah, so it’s all about. So I mean, to put it in context, do a day was about your relationship with yourself. So how do you understand yourself? How do you grow from that and point that understanding towards the things you really wish you were doing in your life, the things you wish you could achieve and overcoming those barriers that we faced this next book with a slightly less catchy title, but it means something it’s the 5075 100 solution, build better relationships is all about instead of our relationship with ourselves, now we’re ready to work on our relationship with others. And so it’s it’s seeing the ownership we have in that relationship, whether it’s a bad one, you know, a tough one or one that is But maybe you can still be better. I think everyone universally will agree like, we own our half even if that’s hard, right? You know, it’s like I can own me but I can’t control you I can’t influence you I don’t have power over you. And that’s the bit we get struck we get struck by we get stuck on and where it becomes painful and we start placing blame is said while you know, I’m fine have worked on me I, I can do better, but they’re just they’re terrible. They don’t appreciate me they’re doing all these things to me. Well, the point in this approach is to move beyond just seeing your half but understanding how you can influence the other person’s half. And it starts to give you a sense of power is probably the wrong word. Because it’s not about having power over them. It’s about having power to influence a different mindset in them to move the whole relationship to better and that’s, you know, I, I basically was forced to have a wake up call like I did with do a day and as I worked through that, I started to study started to learn and grow and I was like, you know, this is another one of these things that I have to share with other people and So that’s where the book was born is interesting.
David Ralph [7:03]
Is it maturity where, you know, when you’re younger, I was talking to a guy the other day and I said to him, I find it very difficult not to agree with people now, even if I know their room, I can, I can always find some common ground where when I was younger, it would be black and white, I’d absolutely be apt to argue that talks about anything. And it’s a song called Shades of Grey by Billy Joe. And he says, you know, what the lyrics are some things were perfectly clear seen with the vision, vision of you know, doubts and nothing to fear. I claim the corner on truth. Now, these days, it’s hard to say I know what I’m fighting for. My faith is falling away. I’m not sure that sure anymore. And what he means by that is, you know, everything’s great nowadays, you know, that that person’s got a point, even though it would have been in ETFs. Now, I was reflecting on the fact of RV idiots or If we become soft, should we be arguing more than we used to be? Is it now the case it was so frightened of upsetting people that everybody just kind of tiptoes around everything?
Bryan Falchuk [8:12]
That’s a I think that’s really interesting and astute and be I think that is not the path to making things. Okay. And that’s, that’s unfortunately, where I was at with tougher relationships where it was like, if I just kind of hold my tongue, then it’ll be fine. I’ll just, you know, I’ll let them go off. I won’t say anything. I won’t share my opinion. That’s just the way they’re going to be. And if I say anything, it’s just going to make it worse. So I’m just going to be quiet. That doesn’t work. And even if it works in the sense of, you know, well, then we’re not fighting. That’s no way to live. Like eating your emotions, eating your thoughts and your feelings, invalidating your own position is not a sustainable, thriving way to go forward. It’s how you burn yourself out. It’s how you upset yourself. It’s how you just add to this darkness that weighs you down and I think a lot of us end up doing that. So yeah, it works. It’s a it’s a strategy. But as you know, to the same extent that a band aid works for gunshot wound, it’s a strategy. It will, you know, it’ll contain some of that injury. But ultimately, you’re going to have to do more for it.
David Ralph [9:15]
Now, there’s a movement going on over here. And I’m not going to put my point of view on this because it would be wrong to express my point of view, I’m just going to say what it is. And people are deciding that they don’t want to be classed as a woman or a man. And they said, there’s 100 different ways, but you can actually be classed as what your agenda and a guy called Piers Morgan, who’s over here, and he was in America for a while, he argued, but Okay, that’s fair enough, but I want to be called a two spirited penguin. And they had a big argument and he said, Why am I supposed to accept 100 of your ideas, but you won’t accept one of mine? You know, why a space and It was it was a really good argument. But it makes me wonder because Sam Smith, the singer, has said he doesn’t want to be called male or female. And so the Music Awards over here have gone Oh, we can’t offend anyone. We will stop having female artists and male artists and have you know, a combined it’s everything’s losing its identity, I struggle with understanding where this way of thinking of not being able to say to somebody you’re wrong, or I don’t agree with you actually is heading
Bryan Falchuk [10:35]
huh? Yeah. So I think that that is a really thorny subject. I agree with you. I’m not I’m not going to push my view one way or the other. And I’m not sure I’ve totally sorted out exactly how I feel about it or thought through what the implications are aren’t for me or for someone who doesn’t necessarily identify with a particular gender or number of Spirits Within a penguin I, but I think losing the debate, and the discussion is a cost we should be careful about. The problem right now is often when we have these discussions, they’re really nasty. And that’s the way politics is now. It’s, there’s nothing around what your actual views are. It’s around how terrible someone else’s. And if someone accuses you of you know, you did this thing, the answer is never Oh, yeah, I did. And that was a mistake. And here’s how I’ve grown and I’m sorry for the cost of that. It’s Yeah, but look at that. And they did Morse. And that’s not serving us. So you know, if I killed there’s a lot of like, gunshot and murder and my storeys today, but if I killed six people and you killed seven, if you call me a murderer, that doesn’t mean I’m not just because you killed more. It just means we both did. You just happen to do more, but I still need to be responsible for my piece of that. And that’s, I think there’s a general theme and how we’re going about discourse and debate. That’s its kind The two extremes. It’s either like, Oh, we can’t offend anyone, we can’t talk about it. So everyone just be quiet and accept without challenging. And on the flip side is we’re going to challenge everything, but not actually challenge it just kind of rag on each other. And that’s neither of those is going to move us forward. Because we’re never going to come to actual understanding, we may outwardly agree in the first case. But inside people are quite divided and just not speaking about it. So we haven’t actually moved anything forward. No one is any more accepting. They’re just not talking about it. And in the other case, we haven’t grown, we haven’t corrected, we haven’t gotten better. We’ve actually just gotten a lot worse by attacking each other as our response to any mistakes we make.
David Ralph [12:38]
And that’s not serving us either. Is I was in a pub the other day and I was having a conversation with a guy and I actually said to him, Look, I’m never going to agree with you here. I just know we’re so opposite in our viewpoints. But that’s all right. You know, you tell me your viewpoint and I will listen to it. And maybe you can knock a bit off maybe at the moment. I’m 100%. And I might go down to 95%. But I still I’m not going to agree with you. And he said, Well, there’s no point in discussing it. And I said, that’s the point of discussing. You know, you’re putting your point of view across and I’m putting my point of view across, and we listen. Now, I think one of the problems in the world today is the fact that and I imagine it ties up to your book as well, is we don’t listen to the other person. We don’t listen to how they’re feeling. We don’t listen. And it’s a it’s a problem in relationships. I know where so many people are sitting at home on their mobile phones picking up and down half listening, not really connecting and stuff. And we’re surrounded by politicians. You know, you’ve got a guy in power at the moment, but if anybody says anything he doesn’t agree with. It’s either fake news or you’re wrong, you know?
Bryan Falchuk [13:50]
Yeah, and you’re wrong and terrible.
David Ralph [13:52]
Yeah, I just think why don’t you just once go, Okay, I hadn’t seen that point of view. Okay. Yeah, it’s not my point. interview but it’s a new one on me. Did you see that as well tying into your book again applying to play a plug, Brian. We need to listen better.
Bryan Falchuk [14:11]
Yeah, I mean completely, that the the distracted missing conversations actually just wrote a draught of a blog post last night about the Apple Watch conversations, where I’m finding this more and more and it’s not meant to hit on Apple, but you’re having a conversation with someone. And as if there’s nothing disruptive or rude or distracting about it, they just look down and click away and notification. And, you know, you have it in actually quite intimate conversations or in business settings where, like, someone came in to sell something to us, and they were doing that and it’s like, he doesn’t care about being here is looking and yeah, he’s just flicking it away. But still, it’s like, clearly that was important enough to him. You wouldn’t see someone do that, hopefully, pulling out their phone in the middle of the meeting to do that that would be far more disruptive, but for some reason me looking down and paying attention to something else mid sentence is acceptable actually saw speaker on stage do it in the middle of a talk. And and What I don’t know is and this is the second piece that’s really important is understanding each other. I don’t know what they’re going through. I don’t know if they have you know, a child was just in a car accident or you know their parent is sick some major situation going on that actually.
David Ralph [15:24]
Yeah, but everyone does it that being being professional, even if I had a kid who is in some kind of, you know, terrible situation. I would either have cancelled that appearance, or let you can’t do anything while you want to study. Yeah, you should see that.
Bryan Falchuk [15:40]
Fair enough. Yeah, my point just being for their situation, they may have made a priority call and and i don’t know what those calls are. And it’s not my priority call to make. So it’s not just blindly saying oh, you know, it was a Instagram notifications. I don’t I don’t know what it was about. I don’t know whether it was important enough. So it’s not a beta It doesn’t matter.
David Ralph [16:01]
On this situation, I think that we be perfectly in our right to cast judgement, to say that that person is in front of us on stage, no matter what their personal situation is, they have put themselves in that position. You know, I don’t sit here doing a podcast episode, we’re halfway through, I disappear to make myself a cup of coffee. You know, I’m here, and I could be having a really bad day, I could be having a really bad time in my life. And as we were talking about beforehand, I’ve had some terrible times in my life. But I still got up and I did the podcast episode, because I knew that you deserved it. My listeners deserved it. And it was my business.
Bryan Falchuk [16:41]
Yeah. And so I mean, that’s where the article ends up going as if you’re with someone, be with them. And if you can’t be Don’t be and be upfront about it. So my position if I was going on stage, and you know, something happened, I would just be up front with people. I would cancel or if it was too late to Kenya, maybe it happened right before going on stage. If there was no way around it, I would at least share that openly with people. And I just had that in a meeting this morning where we’ve got a family situation going on last night, I just said, you know, hey, I may get a call during the meeting, here’s why this is what’s going on, I may need to step out and never want to respect that because I told them up front. But what I didn’t do is sit there staring at my phone waiting for a call.
David Ralph [17:18]
Yeah. Because if I’m not, if I’m not going to attend to that thing that I’ve asked for permission to attend to, and I’m going to attend to you and give you that respect. And helps it would have been right, you’re sitting in the audience. The guy comes on and says before I start, you know, yeah, I’m having this crap, this situation going on. I’m going to focus on you, but I have to let you know into the dark times. Every single person in the audience would go wow, credits. Yeah,
Bryan Falchuk [17:48]
yeah. And instant connection. Yeah, so can connect. I mean, there’s a there’s a point to all this. And actually, it goes back to that guy in the pub. And something you said earlier about just making space To understand each other and hear each other, and that’s, that’s where you move from just being in your half to sort of move the whole thing to better. What it takes is understanding, you know, for him, you’re never going to see his point of view. So there’s no point to the conversation. Well, maybe seeing his point of view isn’t actually what he wants. And maybe he’s not in touch with that. And maybe what both of you need to do is think about what does happiness look like? So I talked about these three principles. And the first one is happiness seeking and trying to understand our own definition of happiness and what the other person’s may be. And you may have no clue in the world, you may not be able to guess it, you may just need to ask and elicit and try to get it out of them. Oftentimes, we end up arguing, because our goals are misaligned. But we’re not even in touch with what those goals are. So I shared this example in the book and I did a TED talk and the idea of a book of the book last year and I showed the same example there because it’s a powerful one. At that same company that we both interacted with, worked at. I had a panel who suddenly went from being a friend to confidant support, you know, in equal that we would turn to to someone trying to get me fired. And on the surface, it was just that she wanted to get me fired. And that’s what I was initially reacting to internally. But what I realised is, there’s something else going on here. I just seem to be in the way or I’m a threat to her she perceives need to be I don’t know why or what that’s about. But that’s why she wants me out. It’s not because she just suddenly decided like, Yeah, I don’t care for him. And it’s fun. Why don’t I try to get him fired? Even though it may feel that way, you know, someone’s yelling at us, or hurting us. It’s not like they just woke up that morning said, Yeah, just for funds ease, I’m going to start being mean to him, there’s something that they want, and they may not be in touch with what that is, but there’s something they want, that you seem to be in the way of or represent the opposite of. and a less mature way of going about that is to just be mean and difficult and attacking, and what’s beholden to us if we want that relationship to be better less of a threat more productive, more positive, whatever the, the outcome is that you ultimately want from it is to try to recognise what they’re getting to or what they wish they were getting to and see if there’s a way you can both have what you’re looking for. So what I ended up finding out is she had screwed up pretty significantly, and was trying to cover it up because she was afraid for herself getting fired. And so anyone I didn’t know this, I had sort of stumbled upon exposing it. Just in the course of my work, I had started to unearth some irregularities and problems. And as I was bringing attention to that, she went into defence mode. And her defence mode is to try to get rid of anyone who might expose her before she gets a chance to try to fix things. And you know, I didn’t realise this at the time. But instead of reacting to her when she would send these scathing emails to myself and our CEO about all the terrible things about me and how wrong I am and all these facts of how I’m screwing up that by the way, are not facts. You just making them up. I’m not one for Fake News, but it was like, you know, she says Brian did three and it’s like, No, I didn’t, I did too. And here’s the evidence of it, or you know, whatever the numbers are actions where I could just try to refute every point and do the whole thing and email and just fight with her. But actually, it’s not about the fight. And that’s what I started to realise is rather than responding back, she’s obviously going to have some come back, or she’s going to argue with me or try to you know, she’s making up information right now who’s to say she won’t make up worse information. So that’s not a winning path. Instead, what I need to do is get a meeting with all of us, the CEO myself, her we brought the CFO into get her to try to illustrate what it is she’s actually looking for. Because to have her sitting here rattling off all these terrible things about me, it’s not serving anyone. I need to get to what’s actually driving all this because it really just seemed to come out of the blue. And so
David Ralph [21:52]
it just jumping into that was very interesting is I agree with everything you’re saying. But Unless you’re like a therapist, it’s quite difficult to dig around and find the reason isn’t it? I know you did it because you found an audit route of failure. But a lot of people would. That’s not how I did it though. How did you do it? No.
Bryan Falchuk [22:14]
Yeah, no. No, no, no. So when when she saw it Friday night, of course she she sends this email out with like 12 bullet points of all these numbers of all the evidence of how bad I am. And so the the normal response I would have it First of all, fuming mad and now it’s like my weekends ruined
David Ralph [22:34]
worse than the hot dog.
Bryan Falchuk [22:36]
Oh, God, yeah. Or the donut did it like either of them this I mean this because because my employments at risk now it’s like how much time and energy when we have actual emergencies going on? How much time and energy Do I need to put into this nonsense? And And the thing is, I had seen her do it to a couple of our other peers. We were all in the C suite and the leadership team and I saw her do this to one in particular And, you know, I didn’t know the facts on either side. Now I know why she was doing it. But she’s she’s a former litigator. So she’s really good at doing this. And I mean, she just went after him. And I was just like, Oh, god, I’m not. This is not what I need right now. So it just, you know, weighing on me and I had all the facts, I had all the evidence. So I’m like, I’m going to punch back and I said, hang on a second. That never goes well with her. So that’s not what I’m going to do. And it’s going to make me look like an ass in front of the CEO. So instead, I’m going to this is, this is weird. I thanked her. I just said I have a different view on the situation. But rather than debating it, why don’t we all get together and talk about it? And you know, over email, it was nice because you can see how Maroon My face was. You can see the steam coming off of me, but I sent that out and left it and I scheduled time for all of us. We got into the meeting and it was basically it starts off with her acting just like the email you know, she’s rattling off All these facts and I had my evidence laid out so I had all of my counterpoints, so I could have refuted all them. But again, I was like that’s not the path to success here because she’s just going to yell over me. And she’s a really good argument and she’s brilliant and well respected and so those women are like most women are she’s I don’t know that I’m going to win by trying to fight you know, point for point with her. So that’s not the path. And the reality is there’s going to be something under the surface that actually is fair and accurate and worth fighting for that striving her and this other stuff. She’s just confused about it. So I’m not going to go head to head with her about that. So I thanked her again, which is not the response she’s expecting so you could see her step back. We’re on video she literally like went back in her chair kind of shocked because she was ready for a fight. She had a stack of papers with her so she had like, you know, she’d prepped slides to argue with how terrible am and I just said, You know, I said this in the email. I have a very different view of the situation, I’ve pulled the information from the system so that you know the numbers that I’m seeing don’t align to yours. But rather than us go through each one of these and figure out whose data is right or not. What I’d like to understand is what is your concern? What is it ultimately, you’re trying to achieve? And again, she wasn’t ready for that. So she was a little bit dumbfounded. And she was like, Well, I’m worried about this happening to the business. And it was a pretty rational thing. So I was like, Yeah, me too. And so, you know, we’re all sort of like, you can’t argue with that. And that was her ultimate goal. Like, she wasn’t gonna say, Well, I just want to get you fired. I knew she wouldn’t say that, because that would make her look pretty stupid. And if she did, then I you know, I come out the victor, because that would be like, holy crap. You know, what is this about you? That’s ridiculous. You need to go Brian, you’re fine. Let’s see your data. But you know, it would work out well for me, but I didn’t expect her to say that. But when she voiced her concern about the impact on the business, that’s really feminine. rational. And with what I was seeing the whole reason why I was flagging this information originally that she saw and got worried about was because I was worried about the same thing. So we actually had the same ultimate goals. We were just going about it completely differently. For her, I was coming at her, although I had no idea, I didn’t realise that she was the cause of these problems. And for for me, or, you know, that’s, for me, it was like she was coming at me to get me fired. And I didn’t understand where that was coming from. So it allowed us to align the happiness we were seeking. And what I could say in response was, you know, I agree with you, here’s some of the things that I’m trying to do to help protect us from that. What do you think, how can we work together to make this better? And this is all in front of the CEO. It’s like what you’re going to do then. So her guard was down, and she realised like, ultimately, we’re trying to get to the same thing. So maybe I’m not standing in the way of her happiness. Maybe I’m actually able to help her get there. And that changed the interaction. We were never friends again. I didn’t I wasn’t thrilled to work with her. But we could work together, we achieved a lot together. And there was no more of this attacking. And I wasn’t just eating it. I wasn’t just letting her say stuff and you know, just not responding. She wasn’t saying stuff anymore. So for me, like, I didn’t expect that to get back to the way it used to be. And to be fair, she was hiding a lot of bad stuff going on. So it couldn’t have gotten back there because she had to be covering all this stuff up. But it did allow us to work together, it did allow the stress to come out, I didn’t have to deal with what my peer had dealt with from her when you know, like months and months of these attacks, which is terrible. So it moved the relationship to a better place. It’s not necessarily utopia, but it’s better. And you can keep building from better she ended up leaving the company. So there was no more building to do, but it got us you know, certainly through the rest of her tenure there in a much more protected productive way. And we were able to move the ball and some of these things that ultimately we’re trying to fix what we’ve come to find out where the things she put in place that were problematic.
David Ralph [27:58]
Wow, wow, what a good storey Well, I’m gonna I’m gonna know I’m not even gonna play. I was gonna play a speech fair, which normally moves us to the next stage, but I’m not going to bother. I just want to now Brian, are you totally entrepreneur you? Last time I spoke to you, I think you were about to leave your company or you
Bryan Falchuk [28:16]
leave your company. I left my company. I’ve been advising a startup that ended up joining full time, but I’m, I’m still sort of kicking around in Bolton, and this is a startup so it’s quite entrepreneurial. Anyway, I, David, I’m not good at seeing opportunity that I think I can help push forward and just sitting back. So I still you know, have all the intentions of full bore doing the speaking and coaching and all that and, you know, continued on with my writing and everything. But I had to see this one through a bit too.
David Ralph [28:48]
Oh, that seems to me sensible, because what you’ve done, you’ve moved one foot out, and you’re basically now making your own decisions. Because it’s not it’s not it’s Shades of Grey again. It’s not black White. And I find more often than not, people seem to think that they’re going to be in a job that they don’t like. And then suddenly, it’s a walk in the park and it’s a rosy old garden. And it’s not and your your gave giving you a chance, self a chance to look around and assess the landscape and decide where you want to put your second foot on here.
Bryan Falchuk [29:21]
Yeah, and, you know, there’s, I’m really, really blessed. I’ve got great people around me, and some of them don’t want to get me fired and want to work with me on ideas. And so this, yeah, it I just need one or two. But it’s worked out really nicely. So I’m a part of this incredible place that has huge opportunity. I was actually an early customer there. So I, you know, I feel a connection to this place and I knew at least you know, for the foreseeable future, I could help move their mission forward and help ensure success for them and I want to be part of that. I don’t know that it’s going to be that way forever. They may not need me anymore at some point but for right now, this is fantastic and So I’m able to do both. And you know, there’ll be a time where I’ll probably have to figure out one way or the other again, but I’m not. I’m doing a day. Those days aren’t here right now. So that’s not a decision I have to make and I’m able to balance them.
David Ralph [30:14]
So in your life, you were working five days a week for the insurance company, which we won’t name but it surely Yeah, yeah. Now you’ve got how much time to do your own thing compared to the startup? Yeah,
Bryan Falchuk [30:28]
startups are, they’re hungry monsters that will feed them as much as you give them. So you know, the, the insurance company was officially five days, but I was travelling every week and that so it was felt like seven. This is, this is a company that respects family time. And so you know, when I get home, I’m home. So I’ve got nights to do my other things. I do travel a bit so I can do things on the plane. I’m not as burnt out so I’m able to be more productive in those free moments. Whereas last year, and a half of my last job, it’s just so intense. And and the politics were bit stronger that, you know, it’s pretty wiped out when I had free time. And so I go to right and next thing I know I’m asleep. I don’t have that problem right now. So yeah, I’ve got, you know, certainly the weekend, certainly the evenings. And I’m finding time it’s a balance. And there’s sometimes where it’s tougher to strike that balance is sometimes when it’s easier, but it’s okay. It’s right now it’s working for me, and I feel very comfortable with it.
David Ralph [31:26]
In the intro, I was talking about that situation where you’re struggling, the spinning of the plates. And when you start in the entrepreneurial world, it’s it’s mind blowing How naive we all are, until you get into it. And I always reference the point where people are in a job at doing something really well. And I think I could do this but other people, I’m going to be a business success. And then they don’t realise what are you going to get a customer, you got to get your name out there. You got to build a platform, you’re going to all those kinds of things and it’s a it’s a cooperation It’s a spaghetti in front of them that they’re trying to sort out. You have done it the right way I feel you’ve done it the right way you’re giving yourself the chance to untangle things before they get to tangled, is giving you a chance to really ignite your personal energy, which is a big thing. You know, the more energised you feel, the better the quality of your work. And you know, I always say if you go back to Join Up Dots a couple of years ago and you listen to some of the episodes, they they probably sound All right. But if I listened to him, they sound like a man clinging on really, because your energy level was so low at that stage. I was just sort of getting by. So I do think that you have done things the right way. And I think it’s a sort of benchmark for most people to follow. If you’re in a job that you don’t like but you can do something maybe you could freelance doing that thing. Work Yeah, up work or something and get clients given to you so that you can find out if you like it before you go out and create your own agency or whatever you can Do
Bryan Falchuk [33:00]
Yeah, we talked about the side hustle before. And I think that’s, I’m a big proponent of it a for the reasons you’re saying and be even just for a little bit of creative outlet. I’ve sort of I’ve always since since I came out of university, I’ve always had a side hustle. And I’ve really appreciated that because it’s just a different context for me to flex my business mind my creative mind, and see, well, maybe there’s something there. Maybe there’s a way to learn and whether I’ve done it the right way or not. We’ll never know, you know, there’s lots of different ways to do it. As long as I’m growing from it, and I’m moving ahead and what I’m trying to achieve that I’m satisfied with it.
David Ralph [33:37]
Now, what about your wife and your family? Have they noticed a difference in Brian, because, you know, leading into with my storey, my daughter had a friend drowned yesterday. And she said, Well, your dad really listens to you, doesn’t he? And because I don’t have any devices and I realised A few years ago, but I was half listening. And so now I actually turned My body to them. And I look at them and my wife used to say, it’s a bit weird. It’s like you’re really you’re overly listening, you know, but it’s the wave is sort of observe and, and retain that information. Have you noticed the same is Brian more present?
Bryan Falchuk [34:18]
Yeah, I mean, there’s, there’s definitely a difference. I’m home more. And I’m less. I’m certainly in a less stress state. And so that that’s been first and foremost. I don’t know if they notice whether I’m connected as much or not because I was I was gone five days a week, every single week, at least five days. So they wouldn’t have seen me to know that I wasn’t connected. But I know I mean, I know for a fact I leave my devices elsewhere. I don’t have them around as much as I used to. So I, you know, I don’t want to out my wife’s usage of devices. But generally you wouldn’t notice that someone doesn’t have, there’s a You’re buried in yours. But that’s a different. That’s a different point.
David Ralph [35:04]
But I tell you what, I’ve been mentoring a guy, guys come through to me, Andy, I’m mentoring him. And I won’t say his name out because he’s got a lot going on at the moment. But I know he listens to the show and this is about him. And the first time I connected with him, he was mental. And I said to him on the second time, I said, I didn’t actually like who you were. I didn’t like the vibe you were putting out. And he was working 18 to 19 hours. He was literally spreading himself so thinly. I said to him, I the first thing I want you to do, I want you to stop smoking because you’re banging their cigarettes out like a big. I said, the next time that we talk, I want you to be in a room. I don’t want you to be walking around on the street, looking around and talking to people half, you know, attached to what I’m saying. I want no, no distractions. And I said, I want you to separate yourself from social media and get sleep So he put his phone down from me. And he booked a flight that night straight to London, because he knew it was as far away from his business as he could get. And he slept for 15 hours the first night when he went down to Spain in Madrid. And when I met him seven days later on zoom for our second call, night and day, totally different person. It Marcus was there. He said that he realised he was addicted to so many things that he couldn’t see. Because it was just around him, you know? Absolutely. Lee, you know, he will go on to shoot success. I’m convinced of it. But nowhere he was at the beginning because he’s attention was just in 1000 different positions at every one time.
Bryan Falchuk [36:43]
And I don’t feel like most people really get that until you’ve separated you know, it’s like Simon Cowell doesn’t have a phone I know you don’t have one that and and he says the greatest decision of his life and you’d be like your celebrity you must be on social media and you know all this like meetings and everything and how can You do that as well, clearly you can. And I’m sure you see it as impossible until you do. So, you know, it’s tricky for me with those thoughts, because social media is very important for what I do. And so you know, the idea of giving it up, it’s like, well, what’s gonna happen in my business, then what’s gonna happen with my personal brand that I’m trying to build? So what
David Ralph [37:21]
do you actually get from it? This is the thing now that’s that’s
Bryan Falchuk [37:24]
the question. No, I fully agree with it. So what what I’m going to do is much like what your client just did. I’m starting to look at silence retreats, and meditation retreats, no speaking, no devices, no anything. I don’t want to have Wi Fi there any of it. I want to force the issue because I know it’s not the way I’m fearing it to be. And I know the best way to get there is to remove myself from a situation where there’s any temptation, it’s the same thing with weight loss. When I stopped having all the things around that I was trying to avoid. It made it much easier for me to get a hold of what was going on in my mind and make the right path. forward. So once those things around me again, I can make better choices. But when you’re right in the throes of it, you know, cocaine addicts sitting in in the midst of piles of cocaine is not the place where their minds going to get clear no matter how strong it is.
David Ralph [38:13]
So I was obsessed by work. No, I really ever talked about it. Yeah. And I realised I didn’t have a life away from work. If I wasn’t working, what did I do? I didn’t have anything to do. And so I just kept on working all the time. And I, I totally see mental health issues now. And I never did. I just never saw it. I just I don’t know. I just never got to that point. But now, I see. Our number one thing, I think away from politics away from global warming, you could argue every point of this, but I think that we should tackle mental health because I think it’s an internal killer that is affecting everything, you know, and you don’t see it and the fact that you suddenly get some kids shooting up at school kids and stuff. You probably could get that in the body if you realised what was causing it. You know, it’s all that thing that we’re saying Brian about listening and focusing in on other people. And we’re just not we’re taken by surprise by some guy in Walmart blasting us where people have been tracking him for six weeks and they knew that he was a ticking time bomb and stuff. It’s all the mental issues.
Bryan Falchuk [39:25]
Yeah, we we were recently at a baseball game and you know, enjoying the day and it was on my mind, we had just had a shooter at a garlic festival in California. You know, who would ever think that this is a place where you have a garlic you know, it’s not a gun show. It’s not anything that’s charged. It’s a garlic festival. I mean, I can’t even imagine what you do there anyway, no offence to anyone.
David Ralph [39:51]
We talking about a thing you eat garlic.
Bryan Falchuk [39:54]
Yeah, I was a place in California that that’s, that’s like their main crop and so it’s a big deal. That town and so every year they have a garlic festival and someone opened fire they’re
David Ralph [40:03]
Bryan Falchuk [40:05]
yes, something like that. But it’s, you know, it’s a very family first kind of event. And there was a mass shooting there. And so we’re sitting there in this baseball stadium, and it hits me. And I’m Mike, you know, this is actually this is a very dangerous setting, if you really think about it, and I just happen to look around and I see on the roof of the stands, there are men in bulletproof uniform, you know, all in black with sniper rifles and binoculars, pacing back and forth, there’s about six or seven of them and maybe more than I can’t see. So they have, you know, highly, highly trained skilled in a military style police protection for this event to take people out. And it’s just the idea that like, why, why is this where we’re at today? For a baseball game, and I know you know, people get really passionate about their teams, but this is not like a political rally. This is not like you know, a White supremacist March and so you’re going to have you know it. It’s a baseball game. It’s a garlic festival to country music face, things are very different today and it blows my mind that that’s where we’re at. And yeah, there’s a lot of root causes that it’d be nice if we paid attention to instead of, well, it’s just it’s highly political, especially in this country. Because the whole gun control issue is it’s a very two sided and strongly two sided one, with a lot of, you know, misunderstanding, fake news that all that kind of stuff is alive and well in that space. But it’s we’re not making progress and what really matters.
David Ralph [41:40]
It’d be really interesting and I don’t know the answer to this at all, but it’d be really interesting to see what the mental health issues are in places where they don’t have Wi Fi everywhere. And you know, I reckon it would be hardly bear at all, because people are living their life. They’re getting up in the morning. They’re doing what they need to do. And then they’re going to bed at night. They’re not being bombarded with comparisons and thinking their life is rubbish, because somebody else is doing something amazing and, and you know, my life is boring. I can it be nothing. And I wonder if we went on an island, just you, me, Brian. And we were just sitting there with nothing to do, what would we do, we would probably start building stuff and we’d be creative. And we’d be using our brains and our hands and our fingers in a way that we don’t anymore because now we can just click buttons and make it happen.
Bryan Falchuk [42:35]
Yeah, and we probably engage in meaningful conversation as we did those things.
David Ralph [42:40]
When we would we be naked?
Bryan Falchuk [42:43]
Now we’d have we’d have donuts. We, we would, you know, we would be growing physically through these, you know, constructing being expressive, etc. And at the same time, we’d be engaging in meaningful conversation and it’s very helpful. Sick way of interacting, which is what people used to do.
David Ralph [43:03]
I used to do it when you said no nuts. I had this horrible image of doing hoopla on a naked man. Is that a terrible thing to admit that that went through my head?
Bryan Falchuk [43:13]
Well, it gets back to the gender question then. I don’t know what a man is. So Well, there you go. Nice way to avoid the question.
David Ralph [43:20]
I was I was aiming at a penguin. That’s what I’m
Unknown Speaker [43:23]
David Ralph [43:25]
So where is your life heading now, for the next time that you come on to Join Up Dots because you’ve now got two books, you’ve taken a half a leap. You’re now looking at startup and entrepreneurial venture, you’re growing in competence. And I’m always struck by this and I share this all the time. But when the person comes back the second time, I realised that the first version was a bit fake. They hadn’t quite bought into their competence and their full power. You know, it was as good as I could offer because that’s where they were. But then I Hey, you talking now and I think this is a different person to who it was a couple of years ago. And of course it will now hope so you know, it will will be moving on. But you now sound like you’ve really bought into who Brian is and what he can bring to the world where maybe two years ago you were kind of playing at it a bit.
Bryan Falchuk [44:18]
Yeah, you know, it’s a journey, and I hadn’t. I mean, you you have me on pretty early in my podcast guesting life. And I think it came after we talked the first time at least. I got challenged on some shows where people were like, you know, you’re saying this in your book, but when you’re talking about it for yourself, you’re not there. And it hit me. So yeah, you’re absolutely right. I have more digging to do. And you know, here I am thinking have been six, seven years of living this way. I wrote a book on it. Like I should be in touch with the core level of a lot of these things. And I’m not in that. I didn’t get upset by it. Someone who heard the show was like, wow, that must have been really difficult and he wasn’t rude or anything. I wasn’t I wasn’t mad at the question. I was actually happy for it because there’s so much more growth we all get to do. And that’s the way that I look at it. And, you know, being on the show, I’m trying to have answers to talk about the approach that I’ve gotten. So yeah, it can feel a bit. Not rehearsed, but prescribed maybe. And the reality is, I don’t have the answers. I have approaches that I found to work really well that I want you to explore. And that’s why I don’t write how to books. You know, I don’t write books, just like there’s a workbook that goes along with it, I write things that hopefully will provoke you to do a bit of introspection and self discovery, and you have to write the How to book for you. Just like I’m writing it for me. So I, for me, you know, when you said like, Where am I heading? No idea. I think it’s still sort of the same answer as, as I maybe maybe gave last time or should have given less time that I’m discovering. I know I want to have impact and that’s hopefully this next book helps with the outward relationships that we have and the two I think really go nicely hand in hand. Bina when I when I was on last I made no sense of this being the next book, The next book to me was what my podcast ended up being, which is other people’s storeys, because mine are only going to resonate with with certain people. You know, if you’re, if what you’re facing doesn’t look, feel smell anything like what I’m facing, or you just don’t click with me or whatever it is, then maybe isn’t going to be helpful. But if I have other people on who have different experiences and different personalities, maybe you latch onto something there and that helps you to overcome and to grow. So I thought I was going to write that book, really a collection of other people’s experiences, and instead that’s the podcast, I never thought I would write this book on relationship dysfunction. But frankly, I had to. So that work situation my wife and I were having struggles as well. And I learned and grew so much in what was going on there. And by the way, I’ve got a long way to go on that journey. And I started to use it with people I was coaching, I started to write about it or I tried to I was writing for ink magazine. I kept trying to write an article about what I was discovering, and it was like, way too long for what they would take and I still wasn’t even scratching the surface. And so it just became so self apparent that I needed to write a book. But two weeks before I did that would never crossed my mind. So I kind of don’t know where I’m heading next. But that’s also the point. And that’s part of do a days like, I don’t, I don’t know what tomorrow is. I’m not really worried about that. I’m present in what I’m doing right now, I have a general theme for where I’m trying to get to, which is a level of influence, which is not, you know, number of likes or followers or any of that it’s lives that I know people are better and they’re feeling something about themselves, that is more positive than what they used to feel because of some spark that maybe I handed to them. And that’s in the the goal setting mentality that I try to espouse. Like that’s not a great goal, because it’s not specific. It’s not measurable. It’s not time bound. It’s an action oriented, but that’s where I start to, that’s where I feel complete. Which is the same thing for me as a father and as a husband. I just want to know that the people I’m interacting with are growing in in a positive way from that interaction with me, so I’m going to keep doing what I can to contribute to that and no clue what that means. Because I’m not, I’m not at that place right now. And I don’t need to know until it’s in front of me, and then I’m going to do the best I can with it.
David Ralph [48:12]
Yeah, I think that is the perfect answer. I really do. Because it shows that everybody out there has got their own struggles. Even if you think you’ve got it nailed down behind the scenes, you’re unsure and you’re kind of moving along. You know, at the moment, I feel like I have been driving through the desert, thinking to myself, I don’t know if this is the right road. I’m, you know, I’m turned brown. Should I turn now? And I’ve now hit a signpost? And I think, yeah, I know exactly where I am. I know exactly where I’m heading. And I feel that I’ve got all the competence in the world for the next year or so of Join Up Dots. But it was it wasn’t the case for the last two years certainly wasn’t the case. It was just me doing stuff. Kind of moving on, looking over my rearview mirror and thinking to myself, you know, not I’m not sure this is the right way for me to go. Never once considering that it was time to stop.
Bryan Falchuk [49:06]
Yeah, yeah. And you know, when I had you on my show, we talked I think it was in January of last year, you were like you were saying is in the midst of all of this, the latest burnout point. And we were talking about the last burnout point that led you to go down the path of Join Up Dots and the the training and coaching work that you had been doing that that was taking your energy, and it, it didn’t feel like you were in the midst of another burnout. And so to hear that that’s actually where you worse. I mean, I think that’s the point is, we don’t always catch it in the moment. And so I think being overly prescriptive about exactly where we’re heading, as part of the problem is just like being distracted with, you know, notifications and whatnot, is taking us from seeing what’s going on around us and thinking about dynamically. How do we respond to this world, in the most effective genuine way we can. And that’s where people around us feel like they have our attention and they have our love and they have our respect, and the opportunities that come up like the one I’m in right now. I would have just blindly said, No, I’m not going to do that. Because I said, I’ve left, you know, my job at that company. And I’m doing this full time. And even though I think we’d have a blast together, and I could do a lot, that’s not what I said, I’m doing, I’m not doing it. I think you end up missing out on so much a life that way.
David Ralph [50:15]
I’ve realised through this conversation reflecting as you talk, I think the the biggest relationship is kind of do a day, but it’s the next book as well, is the fact that the biggest relationship is ourselves, and to stop lying to ourselves and others, you know, and the fact that when I was on your show, and I was talking about burnout, I didn’t give a glimpse of what I was going through, because I didn’t feel that people really wanted fat storey because, you know, you know, I’m there to present and bear to be professional. But yeah, I should have been that guy with the phone on the stage. I should have actually said, Look, guys, I’m here. But you know, you may not like what I’m going to say. But this is Really, you know me, that would have been the right way of doing it instead of kind of making out that everything was great and everything was brilliant and people can follow my lead. I think lying to ourselves and others is a big problem because we always say that. Oh, it’s great. Yeah, brilliant. Yeah, everything’s amazing. But actually, behind the scenes is a big pile of poo.
Unknown Speaker [51:21]
Yeah, yeah. And I found that
Bryan Falchuk [51:25]
people listening needs to understand that. I’m very quick to sick I don’t have all the answers. And and I found some of my best guests on my show have been the ones who were like, yeah, you know, this is what I talked about. I still struggle with it. And and I think that it just humanises it. There’s no perfect person that has it all figured out. If that was the case, we’d all be done. You know, we’d have over answers we do you know, everyone would follow Tony Robbins and have all the answers to positivity and productivity and all that and and make a million dollars and be done. Well, somehow that’s not happening. He’s even still at work. Probably. Yes, we can all learn and grow regularly. So I think there’s nothing wrong in just being very real about that. And yeah, sometimes we get caught up in presenting a different persona, but it’s not serving anyone certainly not serving ourselves.
David Ralph [52:14]
Well, this is the part of the show that I can’t just skip. We haven’t had a single sound bite or clip on this episode. But this is the Sermon on the mic. And as l repeat guests come on the show this time, I’d like to send you back to the last time he was on the show. And what kind of advice would you give Brian a couple of years ago, so I’m going to play the music. And then when it finds you up, this is the Sermon on the mic.
Bryan Falchuk [53:04]
Hey, Brian, good to see you, my friend. Listen, you think you have the path forward. And that’s a good path in general. But be ready for it to change. Because you’re going to run into things that you’re not prepared to handle. And you can’t just give the answers to all of it. So stop and just listen. Try to understand what people are actually thinking. And let that soak in. Don’t correct them. Don’t try to tell them how they can think differently or think better. Just hear them. And then try to understand what might be going on under the surface and pause. Take that in and think about how you can help them get to that, rather than teach them why that’s not the right answer. Otherwise, you’re going to butt heads with people. They’re not going to accept what you’re thinking, and you’re not going to accept them and then neither of you gross. So find the space to pause and understand where other people’s minds are at You’re all going to move ahead in a much more copacetic. productive supportive way.
David Ralph [54:05]
Right advice and Brian for the people out there that want to get the 50 7500 solution, build better relationships, where can they go for that?
Bryan Falchuk [54:15]
So they can go to the numbers 50,75, 100 dot com. You can also just go to my website, Brian Falchuk.com. It’s shorter to do the numbers go to 5075 100 calm and you can pre order it right there. It comes out November 19. And then once it’s out, it’ll be in every format, audible ebook, print the whole nine, including in the UK, so everyone can get it everywhere.
David Ralph [54:40]
Right stuff we have over links on the show notes to make it as easy as possible. Ryan, thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining those dots again, and please come back again when you’ve got even more dots to join up because I do believe by joining up the dots and connecting our past is always the best way to build our futures Brian. Thank you. So much.
Bryan Falchuk [55:00]
Thank you, David.
David Ralph [55:04]
Mr. Bryan Falchuk. Now, that was totally open, honest, podcasting. Now, I’m not saying that the other podcasts that I record are ever anything of anything other than honest is what I’m trying to say. But sometimes you’d go deeper than that. And I felt we’ve met myself and Brian, where we really shared some real nuggets of gold, of transitioning and being true to yourself and being kind to yourself and not beating yourself up because everything we want in life has to be got and you have to walk towards it is not going to come to you. And if it does come to you, you know, it’s not going to be that worthwhile. Yeah, it’s going to be lovely to win the lottery and when suddenly get millions of pounds landing in your bank account, but I bet it doesn’t seem as worthwhile as if you your actions and your efforts bring the same results. So it is it’s all about a journey, but I really like Brian I think he’s a great guy. Go and get his books, do a day and 50 1075 and show up on Join Up Dots again, until next time, thank you so much for everybody who’s listening and dropping in this line. Let’s make this podcast change lives. That’s what it’s all about. Cheers. Bye bye. If you’re inspired to live a life on your own terms, working when you want where you want yc sit back and make the decision of how much you want to earn to and it’s all totally doable and nowadays easier than ever, head over to the startup business school at Join Up dots.com and check out the video testimonials from just a few of the students are now building their dream businesses after going through our coaching sessions. And if that excites them book a time to speak to me one to one to make sure you have what it takes to become the next success of our conveyor belt that started business school at Join Up dots.com