Welcome to the Join Up Dots Business Coaching Podcast With The “How To Become Happy” Expert Lisa Avery
To subscribe to the podcast, please use the links below:
Introducing Lisa Avery
Today’s guest joining us on the Join Up Dots business coaching podcast is someone we all need in our lives.
If you want to know how to become happy then today’s guest is someone who can show us the way to a smiley world.
I know that for sure as she has done this to me every-time I spend time with her.
There are times when you meet someone through you work, who instantly connects deeper than most.
That is certainly the case with today’s guest, who I am pleased to say has become a really great friend to me and the show.
She is a lady who believes 100% percent, that if you are living your purpose, doing a job that you love, then many if not all of your problems, health, mental and financial will be a thing of the past.
Which as you will see everyday on Join Up Dots is a message that I support wholeheartedly on every episode.
I believe it’s not as much learning how to become happy that is the key, as it is doing the things that bring about this emotion.
How The Dots Joined Up For Lisa Avery
Building happiness into our daily routine without thinking too much about it.
She is a positive psychologist, coach and writer, who helps individuals connect with the unique passion and purpose that drives their personal and professional success.
She is obsessed with helping her clients find the thing that lights them up inside and makes them smile both inside and out.
As she says “I am fascinated by what propels a person to pursue their vocation, entwining their innate strengths, values and interests to serve both themselves and the rest of the world.
I fuse the art of Coaching with the science of Positive Psychology to help individuals gain the clarity, confidence and courage to become all they aspire to be.
So are there tips that we can all work on if we want to know how to become happy?
And is this something that is becoming more and more a problem in today’s world?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining dots with the one and only Lisa Avery
During the show we discussed such weighty subjects with Lisa Avery such as:
Lisa shares why it is so important to allow every emotion to be ok in our lives. Dont fight them but assess why you are having them.
We talk about the human need for routine and connection with our pasts. However the present is where the real action occurs.
Why it is so vitally important to things in our life which allows us to get into the flow.
Lisa openly reveals that the issues of building a business can be overcome, by surrounding yourself with people ahead of you.
How To Connect With Lisa Avery
Of course if you want more amazing episodes then you can jump over to the podcast archives
Audio Transcription Of Lisa Avery Interview
David Ralph [0:00]
Join me each month as I show you how you can follow our process to start an own your own life changing online business. This is business masterclass at its best, head over to join up dots.com and book your place for the next training session. And I’ll see you there.
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling join up dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK David Ralph
David Ralph [0:41]
Yes, good morning to you lovely people across the world. Thank you so much for being here on another episode of a join up dots and this is one that I’ve been looking forward to because this is a guest who’s been on the show before and is an expert in something but we all need a little help in but now if you want to know
How to become happy when, as I say Today’s guest is someone who can show us the way to a smiley world. And I know that the show is she’s done this to me every time I spend time with her there are times when you meet someone through your work, who instantly connects deeper than most. And that’s certainly the case with today’s guest, I’m pleased to say has become a really great friend to me and the show. She’s a lady who believes 100% that if you’re living your purpose and doing a job that you love, then many, if not all your problems health, mental and financial will be a thing of the past, which as you will see every day on join up dots is a message that I support wholeheartedly on every episode. I believe it’s not as much learning how to become happy. That is the key as it is doing the things that bring about this emotion building happiness into our daily routine without thinking too much about it. Now she’s a positive psychology is coach and writer who helps individuals connect with the unique passion and purpose that drives their personal and professional success. she’s obsessed Yes, she is obsessed.
way of helping her clients find the thing that lights them up inside and make them smile both inside and out. Now as she says I’m fascinated by what propels a person to pursue their vocation intertwining their innate strength, values and interest to serve both themselves and the rest of the world. I use the art of coaching with the science of positive psychology to help individuals gain the clarity, confidence and courage to become all they aspire to be a bit tips that we can all work on if we want to know how to become happy and to become happier. And this is something that is becoming more and more problem in today’s world. Well let’s find out as we bring on to the show, to start join up dots with the one and only Lisa Avery.
Good morning Lisa How are you?
Lisa Avery [2:46]
Good morning, David. I’m doing really well. Thank you. How are you? I’m always good. Lisa.
David Ralph [2:52]
Always good even even though I just had a few runs up that garden because all the internet went down and stuff came on and I was just calm wasn’t I was just
Lisa Avery [3:04]
serenity serenity personified David Absolutely. I have to say that is what I love about you really are just sunshine you know you really are the sunshine. So it’s such a massive pleasure and honor to be back here. So thank you so much for having me once again is good to have you of course it is and yeah, can you have sweaty Serenity? Because that’s how I feel at the moment is that
i think you know, all those endorphins that are buzzing around in you now I think yeah, that sweaty serenity is doable.
David Ralph [3:34]
Now in your life. And last time you was here we was talking about in classic join up dots how you got on your path and how you moved into, I suppose the professor of gratitude and how you teach people to be really positive and focused on, you know, good things in their life. And more often than not, I look at people like yourself. And on one side of the page, they’re saying, Yes, positive, I’m motivational, and when you meet them, and then not at all, you’re totally different. Every time I speak to you and we do connect quite a lot. You’re just like a bouncy, lovely Tigger. Is it your natural thing that you can just find the good stuff.
Lisa Avery [4:19]
To some degree? Definitely. I mean, it’s this whole thing that you know, people do have a personality, and so much of you know, 50% of your well being 50% of your level of general happiness and optimism on a daily basis is determined to some degree by genetics. That being said, there is so much we can do with that other 50% You know, there is so much we can do to train our brain to see the positive to see the good, but at the same time, I think it’s really essential to stress that it isn’t about always seeing the good, you know, there will be times when life is hard, and probably one of my biggest takeaways from positive psychology was that it’s okay not to feel okay.
By really accepting that by labeling how you’re really feeling, you know, the negative emotion as clearly and articulately as possible, it passes over so much more quickly. So I think you know, for me, David, the absolute key, it’s really embracing every single emotion and knowing what to do with that. So in sort of the summertime when I’m sitting here, and it’s really nice and hot, so I suppose you start to feel a little bit more frisky, that,
David Ralph [5:29]
certainly in the male psyche that starts to hit home. And you also look at pub gardens, and you think that’s what I want to do. And it always seems to be like fun, and adventure time when it’s sunny. But when it’s sort of pissing down with rain, and it’s all miserable and cold, you’re saying that it’s perfectly alright, to just embrace that as well, it doesn’t always have to be. Because I don’t do it. I was like two people, jet fighters and airline pilots only have sunny days. So let’s pretend to be an
Lisa Avery [6:01]
I love that too. I mean, I think there’s a definite place, but forcing yourself to try to see the good, you know, this, this whole thing of keeping a gratitude journal, just three good things a day making a list of those for two weeks, three weeks, and you know, experiencing the benefits of that sort of up to six months later. So there is a real case for finding the positive and becoming very mindful of that and learning how to savor that. Yeah, at the very same time, life is tough, like life has challenges and obstacles, and through those obstacles and that adversity very often we grow. And I think it’s really important to fully embrace those challenges and obstacles, in order to go on that emotional and psychological journey, which is going to take us to a higher self, you know, I think human beings have this innate need to grow constantly. And by pretending that everything is sunny and happy all the time, we’re probably blinding ourselves to how we really feel at certain moments. So I think you know, to be emotionally really healthy, and psychologically really well, we’ve got to take everything that comes our way. And yeah, learn how to deal with it in the best way possible. But yet, there is a massive case for positive emotions, and I love them, and I advocate them more than anybody else. But I’m also beginning to realize true freedom, like real freedom and well being. It’s about connecting and accepting that which we can’t always control and doesn’t necessarily make us happy. And if we’re able to get to that level of emotional Mastery, my goodness, I think that is a different level of happiness and meaning.
David Ralph [7:31]
Now I’ll become very aware of mental health recently over the last couple of years where I got myself to a point of exhaustion. And my body gave up and I just wasn’t in a good place. Since Ben, I’m very aware. But the English artist, let’s soldier on stiff upper lip and just soldiers. And when you speak to like the Americans, for example, every American that I speak to that I mentioned sort of mental health issues by always say to me, are you going to therapy? Are you doing therapy? That’s the last thing that I would do. You know, I’m not sitting there. Now you should do you should do. And he started me thinking. The Americans are lovely and bouncy and enthusiastic and their motivational and they just seem to sort of spark better than us. But they’re willing to talk about these things. Do you? Do you think it’s a problem that the English half?
Lisa Avery [8:24]
Definitely, most certainly, yeah, you know, again, it’s just this need for self expression, it doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life. But human beings have this need to make sense of themselves. And that’s why stories are so popular. You know, we’re natural storytellers. So it’s this idea of really narrating your experience to kind of get a grip of it make sense of it. Because only when you’ve begun to really master something, can you move on from it, it’s kind of like, you know, when we have dreams David we only I don’t know about your dreams, you can tell me about those in a minute. You wouldn’t want
David Ralph [8:56]
to know, Lisa, you wouldn’t want to
Lisa Avery [8:59]
showing up. But when we have dreams, what we’re generally trying to do is make sense of that which we haven’t yet fully understood. You know, the subconscious tries to process and piece together, the stuff that isn’t certain in our lives. Usually, when we’re over something, you know, the frequency with which we dream about it, it decreases. So it’s kind of like as human beings, we’ve got to make sense of stuff. And the only way we can do that, it’s by expressing that, whether it’s to another human being, whether that’s in the form of a journal or diary that we need to make sense of our lives. And I think, you know, Americans often do that via therapy, maybe it’s a more proactive measure, you know, whereas in the UK, we wait, it’s a remedial things. So we wait till you know, disaster strikes. But I guess that’s the whole point of coaching. It’s kind of you know, trying to get in there fast. And very much a lot of the work we’re doing these days in schools and colleges and universities is kind of equipping people with the capacity to express themselves understand themselves at a much younger age. So that you know, we really smash this stigma around what means to really have great mental How
David Ralph [10:02]
did you believe all this stuff about dreams and because I I don’t believe at all, I just believe is just going on in our head. I never think to myself, like Josie, if I’m gonna put my technical a dressing gown on, I walk around the lounge, trying to decipher what’s been going on in my head.
Lisa Avery [10:20]
It’s quite an image I’ve got in my mind now today ready? Yeah. Do I believe this stuff about dreams? I think, you know, I don’t know, a huge amount about dreams. It’s not my speciality. But I do know, you know, we have this absolute need to understand ourselves. And, you know, it’s kind of like 90% of what we do and who we are. It’s subconscious, you know, it’s our thoughts, our emotions and our behaviors from the past human beings, we very much need and crave routine, you know, so it’s that the real danger with that is staying in the comfort zone. It’s kind of like David you know, it’s this idea that every time we have a thought, it leads to an emotion, which leads to a certain kind of behavior, right. But the problem is, with most people, they’re living in the past, they’re having self limiting beliefs and thoughts from the past, which will lead to certain emotions that they experienced in the past, which lead to past behaviors to, you know, we’ve really got to break free of that cycle. And I think, you know, so often, the first step is awareness. And the thing about dreams, sometimes they can reveal things to us that we haven’t consciously process yet. You know, for me, the whole thing is self awareness. It’s kind of like we take people on this journey. And we asked three really simple but profound questions. Okay. The first one is, who am I? So what am i strengths, talents, passions? Second question, Where am I going? So what does my mission look like? What’s my vision? What does well being looked like to me? And how am I going to get there? You know, how am I going to create that emotional agility, that resilience? What am I going to do to really fortify myself and my social support so that I can get there? And I think, you know, if we ask ourselves, those early questions, and try to tap into some of our subconscious desires, then that can be massively empowering for people,
David Ralph [12:09]
when I my sub subconscious desires about the Spice Girls being because they appear when they appear in my dreams a lot. And I use the recurring dream about and deck. And I’ll tell you this dream, I used to be a trainer, and I used to go in and set up training rooms and then do courses. And I used to have this recurring dream years after year after year, about I’d go to a big manor house where I was doing a conference, and I’d be there early, and I was all set up and the white boards were there and all the flip charts were all set out. And all the markers were there, everything was perfect. And nobody would turn up. So I would go around this hotel, knocking on doors saying that we’ve got this conference, you should be there. But then they all turn up and I can’t find the room again. And I’m chasing around to try to get it and and FinTech we’re always in there now for the the world you probably don’t know. But legend batteries deck is a weird one to have recurring in your dream all the time in it, Lisa,
Lisa Avery [13:05]
that’s a pretty weird one. But you know, that sense of anxiety, I think it’s pretty common. That to me is just anxiety, isn’t it, you know, not be able to control that which is about to happen. And I think that’s a massively novel emotion. And once again, you know, when you’re able to harness those kind of emotions comes, you know, consciously, that is massively empowering. It’s kind of like just taking control of yourself, isn’t it? It’s, you know, if I go and like I’m going in four weeks time, we’re going to do a workshop with 120, 14
year old boys in London. Good luck.
for the entire day, okay. And it’s kind of like, if I go in there thinking to myself, Jesus, I’ve never spoken in front of 120 people, this is going to be really scary, I got to be bored stuck. In time my emotions are going to change, I’m going to start feeling anxious, I’m going to start feeling worried and self conscious, which is going to make me you know, trip up over, my words start to get ready, hot and flustered. So which in turn will lead to, you know, self fulfilling prophecy? Thoughts? Yeah, I’m really crap at this, what on earth am I doing here? So you know, at some point along the way, we have got to learn to intervene in that cycle, and take a hold of our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, because they absolutely determine the quality of our life. And that’s why I’m so passionately advocating for this kind of self awareness, you know,
David Ralph [14:24]
you’re going to find 140, 14 year old boys and motion, quite obvious, I would say.
Lisa Avery [14:33]
Tonight, well, I actually went in, we did a workshop with them, like last October, and they were great. They really, really loved it. And I thought, wow, if positive psychology can engage, you know, potentially the most cynical of all audiences, it can engage anyone. So it was massively empowering. I think, you know, there’s something for everyone in this, a little bit of soul searching, a little bit of introspection, getting to know who you are, where you’re going, what you’re all about, and how you want to say, Well, I can’t think of that many other questions we need to ask ourselves that are more important that really,
David Ralph [15:05]
now I am as you saw me beforehand, yes, my all my sort of systems went down and I’ve got whole day of recording shows and in join up dots land, he basically schedule people in and if they can’t appear, well, you don’t record you’re always chasing yourself, because three episodes a week, it’s quite difficult to just keep churning out churning and churning out. And I just put my hands in my pockets, and I just sort of stroll around because I think to myself now, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen? And I’ll tell you what I was watching the other day, I was watching some trappers in Alaska. And it was one of these ones where they, they go there over the winter, and they try to get Bebo, and they try to get links, and they try to get all these sort of lamb, these birds, but I can bend sell. And it dawned on me, but to build up the tension of this episode. Everything was based around what if? So, it was all? What if they don’t get three links today, they will be struggling for the rest of the winter. What? And after will have to watch about eight episodes of this. I thought to myself, I’m sick of what if everything always works out there? Isn’t it? You know, you struggle with that? What if, what if, what if, but, but that stops happiness occurring? Because you’re not focused in on the prison to record?
Lisa Avery [16:26]
Yeah, and Tyler? Yeah, I think, you know, it was once thought that human beings live very much in the past. And that’s why traditional psychology clinical psychology really honed in on people’s past stories and traumas an experience. But new research has actually found that people are much more future oriented. So we spend so much more time thinking and planning and looking forward to the future. But at the same time, that brings with it a certain anxiety, because the future, by very definition is unknown. So I think very often people do struggle to balance that kind of being practical in the very present moment. And really, then, you know, venturing out into the future, in their mind, you know, human beings were the only creatures that are able to do that. Think about the future, Simon Yeah, it’s a gift. But at the same time, it’s something that’s difficult to deal with. But what has actually been proven is that even if you’re doing something as simple as the washing up, people experience a greater level of well being being very present in that moment, you know, feeling the bubbles
doesn’t sound very glamorous, or
David Ralph [17:31]
I might sound a bit dirty, at least.
Lisa Avery [17:35]
Good news, I’m accused of that on a regular basis. And this just my normal, I’m gonna get
David Ralph [17:39]
a job in the kitchen straight away. I think I think this is where I should be heading.
Lisa Avery [17:45]
But I mean, I guess the point here is that the research shows very clearly that the more we’re able to anchor ourselves into the present, the better, we’re gonna fail for the very fact that more often than not, because of something called the negativity bias of the brain, which means that Brian will always be towards any potential danger or threat, regardless of how great the rest of our life is. Because of that negativity bias, our brain will take us to, you know, dangerous or scary or terrible future that may not ever come. And for that reason, if we can stay anchored in the present better, that being sad, because of our innate need to evolve, and constantly move forward and grow and develop, I do think we need to create a compelling future vision to move towards. And in a lot of our work, we try to reconcile these two things, getting real satisfaction, and well being in the present all the walls creating that emotion, that excitement about creating and moving towards a compelling future vision. How do you reconcile the two, it’s tricky, it takes time and it takes self control. And that’s where the self awareness piece comes in. That’s where you know, becoming aware of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors part I think is practical.
David Ralph [18:56]
And you can you know, you can be in the present, really enjoy yourself, as she was saying, no matter how rubbish the job is, you know, for example, washing up the other day, I was washing up with the wife, and I wasn’t washing the wife, but I was washing up and she was on the ferry liquid bottle, it said at the top, the irresistible scent of very liquid. And I said, How can that be irresistible, and you smell lovely, well its fairy liquid. And the two of us were just having a good laugh while we were doing it. And it was just that we found that sort of gift with in the actual task of doing it. Now through join up dots Yes, I love recording the episodes. But there’s a lot of pain. As I say that leads up to it. I’ve got to research the guests, I’ve had to schedule the guests, I have to book all that in. I basically say I had to do that to get to the gold. And I was listening to Michelle Pfeiffer the other day, who said but basically, she accepted sorry, but she gets paid for all the marketing and the promotion and the interviews afterwards. And she says that’s how she structured it in her mind, she would act for nothing. But you pay me big to do all this stuff afterwards to get the film out there. But I don’t want good way of doing it, isn’t it?
Lisa Avery [20:18]
Yeah, I think that’s a very clever way of doing absolutely. But again, if you love something, if you’ve really got to that point where you feel like what you’re doing, it really aligns with who you are your strategy, your talent, your passions, you can see the impact it makes on the world, if you’re lucky enough to get to that point. And I think everybody can get to that point with enough self reflection, then, you know, why wouldn’t you do it for free? Why wouldn’t you do it for free financially, you were able to when you knew the reward was coming from another place, I think, you know, when you’re working in that element flow, you know, that sense of flow where you actually lose sense of yourself and time, and you’re just so involved in that what you’re doing. Wow, that is a massive pleasure in an honor. But the thing is, everybody can find that in their lives, not just miss Michelle Pfeiffer. So I would urge people to try to get into that. And I had something really lovely that the other day that I thought about and I had thought about before, if you’re not really sure what your thing is, and what your passion is, you can do something which is called a play history journal. And it’s kind of like going back to when you were a child and you start looking at the games you played in chronological order David, what did you use to play when you were a kid, for example,
David Ralph [21:31]
I used to bizarrely and I’ve spoken about this a lot. I used to record little interviews with people. And I found a load of tapes in up in my mom’s loft. And if it was these tapes, and when I put them in, it was my voice. And I used to go down to the bank, and the bookshop and all these people and say to them, can I interview you with my little tape recorder? And that would be me saying, if you weren’t a bank manager, what would you like to be? And questions like that. So I think really the fascination of getting to know people a bit better, was always with me. I think that that’s,
Lisa Avery [22:10]
that’s fascinating. And it’s really good to hear that that there is that you have there is a certain coming back to who you’ve always been, which I think so often happens. You know, I’ve witnessed this so many times with people that I work with, and people that I know, there often is a sense of like the person just one day coming back to that which they probably always wanted to do. But life or family or society or convention kind of got in the way. Especially, you know, because I’m late. I’m very late 30s now,
Unknown Speaker [22:39]
David Ralph [22:41]
seen a David
Lisa Avery [22:44]
Thank you. Well, anyhow, and you know, I’m sort of working with people 3536 or seven. And a similar thing starts to happen even a little bit earlier. There’s this kind of existential crisis almost that while is this it now? Is this it forever? Is there a way out? There’s something better or greater for me. And I think no matter what your age, it’s never too late to ask that question. Because you know that the long the most longitudinal piece of research from Harvard on human development shows that the brain continues to evolve until the day we die. That means that there is at every age, the option, you know, to grow, to evolve to become what we’ve always wanted to become. And I think that’s massively exciting and invigorating. But the other thing that I wanted to say David is, how about recording one episode of join up dots which just has interview after interview of your, like seven year old, so that will be amazing.
David Ralph [23:37]
Amazing, but it would be, it would be the effort to do it. But the whole mantra of join up dots which funnily enough, it was something that I kind of knew before I knew it. And that’s why I always say at the end, by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. And every single guest that has come on the show literally goes through education system, they come out, they get a job, they don’t like the job by Ben struggle, struggle, struggle, and Ben they start to reconnect with their younger self. And next year, and I know you won’t believe this, Lisa, but next year, I’m going to be 50 years old, and
Lisa Avery [24:15]
lose my mind David
David Ralph [24:17]
my mind as well. And I was a bit sort of depressed about it at 48. But now I’ve hit 49 I’m kind of bring it on, bring it on, I’m gonna do that. Because I actually feel like I mean, bracing my playful self, I’m enjoying myself more. And so by age doesn’t mean a thing anymore. You know, you just do what you have to do. Now, the caveat to this, Lisa Avery is what I always say to everyone is all of us talking about this is over us having these little conversations and no one listens to. But how do you get paid for it? That that’s that’s the bridge, isn’t it? You’ve got to walk up? Yeah, it is it is.
Lisa Avery [24:56]
And that’s why I think it’s really important that you start changing or start modifying slightly, your social circles and the kind of company you know that you’re keeping. Because I know that the last time we spoke, I was only really getting things going. And in the last year, so much has evolved in terms of our project and what we’re doing. And the only way any of this is really how has really happened has been by reaching out to people who are one or two steps ahead of myself, and hearing how they’ve gone about it and what they’ve done. And just getting that sense of hope you know that this could really be because, well, Stephen, you’ve got a dream in your head, that you don’t really dare articulate to another human being, nothing’s going to happen. Absolutely, you know, an idea in your mind, it’s worth nothing until you start to take that little bit of action. And so what I’m amazed to see around me constantly, are people who are making a living from a slightly less conventional way, you know, people who had this dream, this idea, and they began very gradually to create the social networks and the connections, to evolve their idea. Because I think what you’ve got to imagine is that once you’ve got this idea, you’ve then got to create a dialogue with the rest of the world about your idea because you need feedback, you know, you’ve got to see if this could really work, people have any interest. So I think for me David, it’s been a question of literally putting myself out there shamelessly to people. Look, this is what we want to do, this is what we’re doing. And it’s almost like you’re telling people that you’ve already got a little bit further than you have, which could sound deceptive. And maybe it is slightly, but at the same time, you’re projecting who you want to become into the world and seeing how people respond to that. Because if you don’t do that, it will just stay extremely hypothetical, you know. So I think it’s that taking a little bit of action before you feel ready. And the first thing to do, once you’ve got an idea, you’ve got to start sharing it with people who could have some thoughts around that idea, who could help to promote that idea of push the idea a little bit further, that will be the first thing to do, you know,
David Ralph [26:59]
there was a phrase going through my head, and I’m going to trademark this because as I popped into my head, and I thought this, this is genius. This is why I earned the big bucks. But what you were saying bear is what people basically say, fake it till you make it. And but I actually bought No, that’s not it. I think it’s live it and then give it now that
Lisa Avery [27:27]
that is definitely worth checking. Absolutely. I think you know, the more you tell people who you are what you’re about the more you consolidate that sense of identity, you know, live it, so to speak, yeah, then then you become it you absolutely do become that which you continually think about
David Ralph [27:45]
not away from this as well. Lisa, one of the things but you know, people will struggle with is getting the business side of it going, Okay. And so you you get this idea, you get a passion, you start putting yourself out there. But there is once again, there’s another big step between you putting all your energies into something, and actually people buying into it or committing to it. Now with yourself. You don’t really have with class, the classic online profile. You don’t have, you know, an amazing website that there’s not you know, social media, Lisa Avery all over the place. I’m actually wondering how the hell I came about you in the first place? Because I remember you asking me or did I ask you how to connect? Because I
Lisa Avery [28:34]
think I think we connected on LinkedIn and started chatting. And I think you asked me if I wanted to be a podcast guest if I remember correctly, how
David Ralph [28:45]
how brazen I was
Lisa Avery [28:46]
pretty brazen indeed David that wasn’t me this time. That was entirely you?
David Ralph [28:51]
And did you sort of accept it willingly? Was that part?
Lisa Avery [28:57]
fella your feet David Of course.
Yeah, I think that was just the beginning. Once again, I think what I did at that time, and for the sort of six months around that time, because I didn’t quite know where I was going. I look, to speak on podcasts and to interact with people to really begin to articulate what I was about. And I think from that clarity, that clarity just grew stronger and stronger every time I sort of related it to another human being. But I would say it’s only really in the last eight or nine months that things have majorly started to come together. Especially, you know, with the schools and universities and thing. So as you say, I don’t at the moment have a major online presence, we are in the midst of creating a website and things but it has been very much me just kind of offering what I’ve got individual to individual, and a few you know, testimonials and word of mouth and likes. But I understand that, you know, to really leverage this in the future. And you know, now is the time for mental health in the UK and schools and these kind of things. So I understand more than ever, I’m going to have get myself out there so to speak. But uh, but yeah, it takes time. And there’s a process. And I think, you know, your idea will not be polished from the get go. It’s taken me, you know, a good year and a half nearly two years to really get to that point. Maybe some people get there sooner, I’m not sure. But I think the reality is it’s bloody hard work, you know, trying to take something to the world that isn’t sort of massively well known and understood. and the value of which is only just being understood. It takes a lot of shamelessly putting yourself out there. And you know, you get ignored a hell of a lot. And that’s hard. That is really hard. But the moment you get a glimmer of hope one Yes, here one, yes, that Jesus that just propels you just to go on a little bit more. But I would say in David on gas, I know you know, this mother anyway, you’ve got to want it so very badly to make it happen.
David Ralph [30:50]
Well, let’s play some words now. And then let’s come back with Lisa,
Oprah Winfrey [30:54]
the way through the challenge is to get still and ask yourself, what is the next right move, not think about, Oh, I got all of this. What is the next right move. And then from that space, make the next right move, and the next right move, and not to be overwhelmed by it. Because you know, your life is bigger than that one moment, you know, you’re not defined by what somebody says, is a failure for you. Because failure is just there to point you in a different direction.
David Ralph [31:25]
Now, one of the things I’m really fascinated with at the moment, and until about a year ago, it didn’t really come into my sort of psyche is the understanding of branding for your business, the understanding that your business is an emotion, your business will tap into the feelings that somebody has so but when they land on it, I go visit a place for me. And it’s sort of a work in progress. Now with yourself many times through this conversation, you have spoken about clarity. And you’ve also mentioned a couple of times about every time you spoke those words to someone, it became more concrete and real to yourself is something but I think you’ve just got to take time and work it through. I don’t think anyone’s gonna get that straight off the bat Do you
Lisa Avery [32:15]
know, definitely not Definitely not. That’s why it’s really helpful to you know, to be interviewed to have these conversations with people. And I think as well, I was quite precious about my ideas were in the beginning. And I didn’t want to share them with too many people because I thought I got the recipe for Coca Cola. But actually what you begin to realize is, you know, alone, you go so far. But when you begin these dialogues, you open the dialogue around it, you see people doing amazing things, and you interact. I think you know, cliche as it may be that really is where the magic starts to happen. So and above all, I guess David what you really do need is up social support to keep you going, you know, because it can be lonely when you’re sort of there on your own with a laptop and this vision with this dream. So you need to surround yourself by people who believe this is possible to it may well be people that you’re not already surrounded by, you know, you might be people with people that are happy in their nine to five lives. And there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s the way you want to live. But I think very often you’ve got to start to reexamine with whom you spend most of your time and your emotional energy, which is really
David Ralph [33:17]
well I do Yeah, but I spend most of my time with my family is my, my son, my son’s my best friend, my daughter’s my best friend. And my wife’s my best friend. I don’t really see anyone. So now funnily enough, tomorrow evening, I’m reconnecting with a guy that I first met when I was 16, my first job. And he was the guy who introduced me to my wife. And so we’ve had this big connection, and we’re going to see the 80s legend this, you won’t remember this person Lisa 80s legend Howard Jones, we’re going to see him in concert tomorrow afternoon, or tomorrow evening. And we’re spending all afternoon in the pub, just chilling out and just being together. And no, but I’m going to come back invigorated, because every time I spend time with this guy, he invigorates me now away from that there’s a lot of times that I used to reconnect with people that I worked with. And I’d come home and I think, what was the point in that? That was just depressing. moved on from that. And yeah, just moaning and groaning about their life. And I just felt really flat and, and bit rubbish from spending time with them. So you got to be careful. And the people that you used to hang around with, certainly more often than not going to be the ones that you need to hang around with it.
Lisa Avery [34:38]
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely David I think you’ve got to be really careful where you invest your energy, your emotional energy, because you know, we have a limit to our energy. And so why would you want to spend it with people who just deplete you of everything? That doesn’t mean that you’re not going to be there? You know, to support somebody who time of need? Of course you are. But be aware, being around people who judged and criticized and a generally narrow minded, you know, I can’t stand that kind of way of being it just takes the energy away from everybody. No, no, absolutely not. You’ve got to choose very carefully and start to be around people who are open minded, non judgmental, optimistic, you know, people who take action, because ultimately, you know, the way they are, the energy is going to rub off on you big time. You know, I’m positive psychology, there’s this thing called broaden and build theory. And basically, it means every time we experience a positive emotion, it makes us literally our minds, our bodies, we are so much more open and receptive to that which is good in our environments, we can literally see more, you know, this experiment two photographs, right? Well, first of all, two groups of people watch a film, a sad film, and then a happy film, or a few minutes of both. And after the film, they have to look at these photographs, sorry, it’s just one photograph. And people who’ve watched the negative emotional film, they just hone in on the Santa, whereas people who’ve watched the positive emotional fail, they see the whole picture. So literally, when we’re experiencing positive emotions, our ability to see the whole picture literally and metaphorically, it increases exponentially. So you know, when you’re around positive people, when you’re doing things that induce those positive emotions, your creativity, and the way you respond and see the world and people is so incredibly different, you know, and it just opens this upward spiral of positive emotions. Whereas the absolute contrary happens around negative people and negative emotions. So be aware, if you want your world to become more expensive. If you want to open your world up, you’re going to have to choose the people around you very, very carefully.
David Ralph [36:47]
Now I’ve got guy about I’m training how to build a business at the moment. And he actually said to me, he said, the people around me have noticed my positive outlook. I seem different to them, and maybe actually sort of them commented on it. Now, that’s interesting, isn’t it? But you only need that, that, that future to start becoming visible to you? And other people notice a difference in you?
Lisa Avery [37:13]
Yeah, yes, entirely entirely. But you know, once you are able to answer those sort of three basic questions, who am I? Where am I going? And how am I going to get there? When you just begin to start to answer those questions, I think a sense of determination and motivation, just creeps up on you, you know, it just starts to grow within you. And that changes, you know, the way you walk, the way you hold yourself, the way you move, the way you look at people the way you interact. Getting a real sense of where you are, which I think is essential for everyone, I just think propels you and pushes you forward, like nothing else. Everybody needs a sense of mission and purpose to go on. however small in inverted commas. That purpose, our mission is everybody needs a reason to get up every day, you know what you know, and I know, it’s proven in psychology that, you know, it’s great to become the best version of ourselves. But the ultimate well being and happiness and sense of meaning comes from making a positive difference to others. And I mean, David, you do that beautifully in this work in this podcast, you know, this is a real legacy that you’ve created. And everybody needs on some level to create some kind of little legacy that they’re going to leave behind, we need to reach that point we need to aspire to that doesn’t mean that we don’t save, you know, the everyday the pleasure in life. But also, we do need to tap into that sense of meaning, which comes from making a positive difference to the lives of other.
David Ralph [38:41]
It’s interesting with this, because through join up dots obviously 99% of me is going one way I blast it out. And every now and again, you meet somebody who will say to you, you know, I’ve been listening to you for two years, and because of what you’re doing, and you have not a clue that this is occurring, it’s just you know, he’s going one way. And then, you know, I met this guy, lovely guy called Robert from Berlin. And I spent an hour with him talking through sort of business coaching. And he said to me, you know, oh, a year ago, I sent you an email, and you sent back a voicemail that really gave me the inspiration. Now I didn’t even remember doing it. And I said to him, you know, I apologize, you know, I do these all the time. And it’s amazing, when you get that little bit of feedback. I felt myself growing slide. But this guy’s life is changing. And he’s going to be so amazing at what he’s doing. Because he’s got a great niche. He knows it inside out. And he’s passionate about it. He’s got those three key elements. So I’ve got no doubt that once he gets through the the obstacles that most people have in building a business, the sort of technical aspects of the flow of traffic through your business, I think he’s going to be fine. But I’m yeah, I gained more from him and Ben, anything I could ever give back to him in that one comment.
Lisa Avery [40:06]
It’s very humbling, isn’t it? And I think that’s really testament to who you are David you do give so much you’re so generous with your time and your resources, you know, you do give so much but as you say, you know, it is a reciprocal thing for sure. As his coaching as the work I do. It’s massively massively fulfilling. And I think that’s the way it has to be in life, you know, and usually, when you’re sort of living at your highest frequency, best self, and I know it’s not every single day, but generally when that is the direction your life’s going, then yeah, the positive emotions flowing both directions. And it’s, it’s a pleasure to be alive at those kind of times, isn’t it?
David Ralph [40:42]
When it is, sometimes I’ve connected with you and you’ve been on a bit of a downer, you know, on this show, you’re sort of bouncy, and you’re enthusiastic, and you’re you’re presenting, but sometimes I’ve spoken to you and you’ve gone off and go to send a message true. isn’t difficult, because when people see you in a certain way, you almost have to play that role over time, even when you don’t want to now I’m very aware of this. And it’s one of the conversation points that I’m bringing up in the show a lot. But we are multifaceted characters. And just because you are like this on a Monday doesn’t mean you’ve got to be like it on a Tuesday. But when people see you on Tuesday, and I think that that’s how you’re going to be all the time.
Lisa Avery [41:26]
entirely. Yeah, I totally hear what you’re saying. And it’s true. You know, there have been in the last year because my grandma’s been very ill, and I’m still here in England to be with her. There have been some major damage. Once again, whilst our downers are because I feel able to say just how bloody crappy I’m feeling at that moment in time, I’m able to articulate it, without the added shame of thinking who I’m experiencing a negative emotion, I really shouldn’t because of the work I do, which is absolute rubbish, you know, everyone has the whole spectrum of human emotions, you know, whether you choose recognize it or not, everybody has a really crappy day. And I think, you know, like I said at the beginning, so much of the freedom that comes with with sort of understanding yourself, is that knowing that it’s okay to feel that way and to express that and and there is so much liberation that comes from that I can’t tell you. So you know, right now we’re connecting, we’re having a great conversation. So naturally, I’m feeling really up and really high and really joyous. Yeah, people don’t
David Ralph [42:26]
want your emotions. Oh, Lisa, doing this is the thing. They want you to just go Yeah, brilliant. You know, amazing. I don’t want you to go, actually. Now you ask. And I need to vent my emotions. So how do you accept those emotions? How did you get those emotions away?
Lisa Avery [42:45]
Well, you see what I think is the real question here. And this is really comes back to the work we’re trying to do with schools and things. It’s showing people how to hold that space for other human beings. This really not it’s not, we’re not trying show people, we are trying to show people how to express themselves. But equally, we’re trying to show everybody else how to hold the space so that people feel comfortable to do that. You know, not everyone, as you say, is comfortable sitting, hearing someone say, Wow, my life isn’t going well. Right now, I’m feeling this, you know, people are afraid of negative emotions. And that’s because of the whole stigma. And this whole, you know, idea that we’ve got to be happy all the time. It’s absolute rubbish. And I. So I feel like the real question here is how can we get people feeling more comfortable with listening, just really listening and holding the space, even if they don’t have a solution, because so often people aren’t looking for solutions. They’re looking to be heard and validated as a human being, for having and expressing very real human being emotion.
David Ralph [43:49]
I agree with is totally which is why I absolutely free join up dots aware of that. I can’t just be the bouncy person all the time. It’s I feel bouncy, been brilliant. But I also don’t think I can be too real at certain times. I can’t come on to the podcast, or maybe I could actually go I feel terrible. I remember there was a guy. I won’t say his name. But he was in love with his dog. And but don’t die. That’s not funny. That’s not funny.
Lisa Avery [44:20]
Wasn’t laughing at the dying bit.
David Ralph [44:23]
Nothing funny. Anyway, he was so in love with his dog. It was his best friend and the dog died. And he had to record a podcast on the Monday. And so he just recorded. And he just said, Sorry, guys, I’m too upset to record. And that was it. It was like four seconds. And I always looked at it and for what’s that? genius. But he still got up there. He still did it. But he actually said, No, I’m not going to do it today. Because I’ve got to be in my own world, or did he invite sympathy in and we see it on Facebook? Don’t worry, we’ll see a lot. My wife is always, you know, seeing somebody and they go, Oh, my life is terrible today. But they don’t say why. And so it brings it up. So people going, oh, what’s, you know, how can I help? That kind of stuff? is a way of doing it, you know? Should you keep it to yourself? Or should you throw it to the world on no rules to this?
Lisa Avery [45:19]
I yeah, for me, there are no rules, I just think you’ve got to do what authentically feels like you. But at the same time, I think if you can start to be a little bit more vulnerable, just you know, 5% more vulnerable, then you know, that vulnerability, that opening yourself up to people, I think it invites a level of connection, that previously perhaps you haven’t had, you know, what psychology shows, this is the biggest predictor of well being and happiness of all, it’s the quality of the relationships around us, you know, and to really be connected to another human being has got to be that sharing that, you know, you have got to share your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your aspirations, if you want to connect on any deeper meaning full level, so that does mean we probably have to get a little bit more courageously vulnerable. And vulnerability. Yeah, it’s always a risk putting yourself out there. But to me, the greater risk is living a life where I don’t ever really connect with people, you know, in an authentic way. That to me is a life wasted. So I prefer potentially to put myself out there at times maybe feel rejected or hurt or misunderstood. But you know, more often than not, hopefully you then reach out and you make real connections on a deeper and truer level. So I just think you know David whatever feels authentic. It’s, it’s what you’ve got to do.
David Ralph [46:34]
I think what you’re saying, live it and then give it I think that’s it.
Lisa Avery [46:38]
Oh, I love. I’ve gotta have to make a list of the saying,
David Ralph [46:43]
isn’t it? Be aware of your emotions, be aware if you’re happy, happy, but coming to think, why am I happy? Can I replicate that happiness? Can I can I look about you know, my wife the other day was watching money, me best film with Jennifer Aniston. And this dog died or something. I’ve never watched it, and how my daughter were absolutely sobbing. I was sobbing. And I said to them, You know, I turned it off. No, no, no, it’s lovely. It’s lovely. But just sobbing. And Bible actually embracing that feeling of letting the waterworks go because, right for that moment in that film, and I think that’s what, certainly as a man, and as a sort of nearly 50 year old man, I find it very difficult to be in a situation where I really let my emotions go. Because I don’t want to look too much of a wimp.
Lisa Avery [47:39]
Oh, yeah. But I think all of that changing, you know, with all the work and all the media around mental health, and so many man, you know, public figures coming out and sharing their struggles. And thank goodness for that. I mean, Jesus crying, it’s a physiological response, like, there is, you know, just like sneezing or coughing, like, there is no shame, sometimes we really do just have let it out. And later, you know, we bounced back once again, it is that psychological, emotional and physical relieves through those tears. And if you just look at it that way, I think, you know, it becomes so much easier for people to take on board. And again, you know, to me, it’s a question of getting people to feel comfortable to hold that space for someone to cry without trying to make the situation better, but just sitting with them in that moment. And sometimes that is just exactly that is all that people need. So, you know, I honestly can’t remember
David Ralph [48:31]
crying ever. I know it must have done I know I must have known. But I can’t remember the last time that I, I cried. I can remember certain times getting so welled up. You know, I can remember watching Toy Story three, when Woody and we’re about to die, which was a bizarre time for emotion. And I was in a cinema with a load of five year olds. And I was thinking, Oh, my God, oh my God, I’m losing, I can feel it. I could feel myself. I still I still didn’t come out. I wasn’t gonna let these five year olds look up at me blabbing away.
Lisa Avery [49:05]
But I think that’s exactly what we need to do. We’ve got to show people from the get go with it absolutely fine. This just forms part of the human repertoire of emotions and emotional responses. And Jesus, let’s take away the shame from everything, you know, okay, not mass murder, or anything like that. But let’s take away the shame. I think human beings experience way too much shame. They take themselves I think people in general, take themselves too seriously. But then not their lives not seriously enough, you know. So it’s too much too much lies on the ego when people become too attached to their ego and what people think that’s when they start to limit themselves. And that’s when they stop thinking about, you know, the grand scheme of their life and the great things they could accomplish. So you know, for me David, if I could say one thing, it will be to take yourself less seriously, on your life way more seriously.
David Ralph [49:58]
So the phrase of this show was going to be how to become happy. And I suppose how to become happy is just to be yourself, just be relaxed, just be in the motion. And if you are upset, you’re upset that that isn’t detracting from the fact that you’re a happy person, or you will be happy The next day, you’ve just got to allow the emotions to flood through you until you become more aware of what’s causing them I suppose.
Lisa Avery [50:25]
Absolutely. You know, instead of how to become happy, I think for me, it’s how to become free. How do you really become free from yourself, you know, the entanglement of your own mind? and emotions? How do you really get a grip of that? And how do you begin to, you know, harness that which is amazing about you and take it forward? Because it’s not just happiness we want it’s a sense of meaning, you know, we want to feel like our lives matter in some way. And to do that we’ve got to create something, we’ve got to give something back to the world on whatever level that might be. So yeah, happiness, absolutely. But meaning to because one without the other is an empty life. You know, I want you to eat those chocolate cookies, I want you to drink that champagne. But at the same time, you know, and I want you to savor that present moment. But at the same time, I want you to think about the future. I want you to think about your mission, your vision, your legacy, however big or small, you see that as being and I think if you get the two you know you’re working towards both on a daily basis. Yeah, you’re gonna have a pretty decent life.
David Ralph [51:25]
I know my dreams about the Spice Girls are allowed as well.
Lisa Avery [51:30]
Yeah, just a dirty dirty man. Dave.
David Ralph [51:34]
You’re the one that talks washing up liquid and make it all sounds sexy. That wasn’t me. It wasn’t.
Lisa Avery [51:40]
This is the blind leading the blind David This is the blind leading the blind leading.
David Ralph [51:45]
So what is the number one best way that our audience who’ve been listening today and want to become happy, I want to have more gratitude in their life want to be more positive? How can I connect with you?
Lisa Avery [51:56]
Yeah, so the website should be ready, actually, within the next couple of weeks, and that is www dot crash glide saw.com. Otherwise, they can find me on LinkedIn, which is Lisa Avery, and not really very active on Facebook anymore. So I would say LinkedIn or via the website is probably the best way to do that.
David Ralph [52:16]
We will have all the links on the show notes. And Lisa, thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots and showing us how to become more three, please come back again when you’ve got more dots to join up. Because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our past it’s the best way to build our futures. Lisa Avery, thank you so much.
Lisa Avery [52:36]
Thank you. It’s been a massive pleasure and honor thanks David
David Ralph [52:42]
Lisa. Avery. Yes. So you know join up dots it’s all about giving you the tools, the skills and looking at it in a different way. This show was never going to be one that spends all this time talking about the practical issues that you have building a business because I I think more often than not, is the inner game. That means you win your outer game. And every single one of us, no matter who it is, has the struggles that life throws at us. But by being more aware of those struggles and being more aware of how actually, even when life feels really crappy, we’re alive, we’re alive. We’re eating we’re in a perfect position wherever life is never as bad if you really reflect on the present, instead of thinking about the past and the future. That’s what I think is where happiness comes by knowing by a soul right, and I’ll go to bed tonight. Hopefully I’m gonna wake up the next morning, and it’s a new day. Until next time, thank you so much for being here on the join up dots and if you are interested in getting your own business going in the easy stress free way where you’re controlling the process, instead of struggling through it being just connect with us at join up dots g gmail.com. Or come over to be a webinar once a month. And I will speak to you personally. Until next time, Look after yourselves. See ya bye bye
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you are wants to become. So he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to join up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on join up dots.