Welcome To The Join Up Dots business coaching podcast with UK Stress And Health Expert Jane Evans
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Introducing Jane Evans
Today’s guest is Jane Evans, one of those rare individuals who has now appeared on Join Up Dots business coaching podcast twice.
Firstly back on episode 459 when we spoke about how she developed her business to be an expert on dealing with the complexities of raising children, and the anxieties and behavioural problems that we as parents may encounter with our adorable offspring.
She got to that point as for 20 years she worked in a range of settings with families with complex needs who have lived through a range of trauma and as a respite foster carer herself had direct experience of living with traumatised children.
She has now been running her own company training, speaking and writing about the impact of early years trauma children’s behaviour and development needs bringing much needed attention to these issues.
But since then she seems to have pivoted and is now focusing more and more on helping people overcome the stresses of life.
Jane’s Stress Expertise
The anxieties that slowly creep us on us until it becomes a problem that can bring us to our knees
Familiar limiting beliefs like…
I don’t have enough time or the money to…,
I sometimes feel like a fraud,
The work could dry up at any moment,
I need to work 24/7 to keep my head above water,
The market just isn’t good at the moment,
People might not want my product or service,
Everyone else is doing better than me,
I need to be realistic and not aim too high,
I can’t REALLY charge that, can I?,
I’m doing this for my family (the one I never see),
I’m always stressed out and tired,
People like me never…, I never get enough sleep
I’m sure there isn’t one of us who hasn’t had a few of those every now and again in our lives.
So what can we do about it? Are there quick fixes to get us mentally back on track?
And now she is an expert, does she breeze through life like a twig on the mighty stream of life, stress free, and smiling all the way?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Jane Evans.
During the show we discuss such major topics with Jane Evans such as:
Jane shares how “her thing” came to her through in the most unexpected way, but now she is 100% embracing the authenticity of her professional life.
We talk about the three types of stress in life, and the reasons that stress can sometimes be a good thing which we need to perform to a high level.
Jane Evans reveals the reasons why so many get stressed out. Especially at the moments of relaxation and holiday periods.
The secret of change is to focus all your energies on not the past, but changing the new. If you do that you wont go far wrong.
How To Connect With Jane Evans
Or if you prefer just pop over to our podcast archive for thousands of amazing episodes to choose from.
Audio Transcription Of Jane Evans Interview
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. join up dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK David Ralph
David Ralph [0:21]
Yes. Hello there. Good morning, everybody. Good morning. And welcome to another episode of join up dots. Yes, the kind of the new join up dots where we focus in on specific issues that might be affecting you guys. And today’s is going to be a stressed filled episode and not gonna be stressful for me or my guests we were just going to breeze through because we’re experts with this. This is what we do for a living. But for the rest of you, hopefully you will pick up some great tips because today’s guest is one of those rare individuals who now has appeared on join up dots twice. Personally back on episode 459, when we spoke about how she developed a business to be an expert on dealing with the complexities of raising children, and the anxieties and behavioral problems that we as parents may encounter with our adorable offspring. She got to that point as for 20 years, she worked in a range of settings with families with complex needs, who have lived through a wide range of trauma and as a rest by foster carer herself at direct experience of living with traumatized children. She’s now been running her own company training, speaking and writing about the impact of early years trauma, children’s behavior and development needs, bringing much needed attention to these issues. But that’s that has been since then, she seems to have pivoted, and is now focusing more on helping people overcome the stresses of life, the anxieties that slowly creep up on us until it becomes a problem that can bring us to our knees. Familiar limiting beliefs like I don’t have enough time or money I sometimes feel like a fraud the work could draw up any moment. I need to work 24 seven to keep my head above water. People might not want my body surface. There’s a lot of them. I’m sure there isn’t one of us who haven’t had a few of those every now and again in our lives. So what can we do about it on it quick fixes to get us mentally back on track. And now she is an expert does she breeze through life like a tweak on the mighty stream of life? Stress Free and smiling overweight? Well, let’s find out as we bring on to the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Jane Evans. Good Morning Jane how are you?
Jane Evans [2:29]
Good morning David I am absolutely fantastic. Thank you very much.
David Ralph [2:33]
I bet you are because you’re an English lady. You are rocking and voting in your life. And as I’m going to share, I’m going to share with the listeners I sent to you beforehand. It’s like a bigger Jane Evans not not it’s not like a large. I’ve got to reframe that. But you just seem so much more in control of what you’re doing. But the last time we spoke
Jane Evans [2:57]
Yeah, now you know that that’s that’s so true. And now that’s amazing feedback, because I feel like the Ferrari version of Jane Evans now There you go.
David Ralph [3:07]
And what is the Ferrari? Like? Has it gone go faster stripes? Or is it just yet yet bog standard Ferrari.
Jane Evans [3:16]
Now interestingly, that I would pick a fast car, because because actually what’s changed is that I that life has in a very useful way slow down. So I’ve probably been a very ineffectual you know, zooming around the place resuming around the planet kind of car before with bits falling off, and, you know, shoving it in, in the Menders now and again, and whereas now I’m, yeah, I’m much sleeker, I’m much more focused, I, the maintenance that I carry out on the Ferrari is of the highest level. Therefore, yeah, I can show up very, very differently in the world.
David Ralph [4:00]
It’s interesting, you say that, because I think that is the journey. But most of us go on when we leap from the corporate life to entrepreneur, like, literally, we don’t know what we’re doing. And we don’t know what we should be doing. And so we try to do everything. And we are the marketing guys were the sales guys were the customer service team were everything. And little by little, we get to our knees, and I’ve heard this a 1500 times now. But every single person has got to a point where they’ve gone. I can’t do this anymore. I’m just exhausted, I’m just stressed out, I don’t know what’s working through that process, you get clarity, and you realize actually, that most of it is simplicity. As simple as you can make your business it seems to get the ultimate results. Are you a simple lady as well upset your fat? So are you simple as well? No.
Jane Evans [4:49]
No, I think that I’m I’m so what I love, excuse me, um, is is complex stuff, but what I do is I take very, very conscious science, I kind of because I enjoy it wrestling the mode with it in my brain, and you know, in other ways, and, and then I deliver it in very simple ways. And that, that has changed my life so much that, you know, it’s like a process of digestion in a way. And then once it makes sense to me, a, I apply it absolutely in all areas of my life, and then I can share it. And that just feels like such a, I don’t know, a wonderful process that I can give people authentic, scientifically proven, basic stuff to do. And they don’t have to keep handing their, their hard earned money, but also their kind of their control over to other people repeatedly. Because you know, as we know, when we are entrepreneurs, time is, is literally money, you know, every second, we’re not, we’re not generating something that’s going to lead to money, we can get caught in that, Lou. And what we don’t do is slow it down and say, Okay, so what if I just focus on this at the moment, and even even one of the most important changes for me is to been to find what the thing is, you know, and that that has been the most recent change. And that’s been the best change for me.
David Ralph [6:21]
And could you have only found that thing by all the other stuff? Or, you know, was it always be screaming at you, but you couldn’t see it?
Jane Evans [6:30]
No, it was definitely I couldn’t see it. I mean, I was, I was so focused on what I knew. So for years and years and years, I work with families with really complex need, needs. And then when I began to study what early childhood trauma was, how it in fact, impacts the brain and the body and the more internal chemistry, then that became my thing, oh, my God, I have to stop any more children being harmed in this way. And you know, that that’s what’s been driving for years and years and years that we have the science to prevent this, it’s actually getting much, much worse. And we’re not using it. So I kind of went on, you know, my business was fueled by that by my, my, it was more than a passion. And that’s still there. And I still do that work. But I was so deeply in that, that I wasn’t taking care of myself paying attention to myself, hence I was showing up in the world in a very different way. And when I started to really focus in on me and realize, you know, you have to be the embodiment of what you were saying, otherwise, you actually, it’s just a bit of a fake. You know, I don’t like to be fake, then it began to really change because I had to really focus in on actually you have to be because I’ve had lifelong anxiety, all of my childhood all of my adult life. And you have to sort sort your stuff out, you know, because otherwise it’s just Yeah, you’re fake.
David Ralph [7:58]
I agree with totally, because I see so many people on YouTube. And I see so many people who join up dots that when they’re talking to me, I know they don’t really believe it. I’ve read it somewhere or what Yeah, and they’re kind of putting it through. And I’m gonna, I’m gonna be totally transparent. I saw you with Piers Morgan. Good morning. And I didn’t agree with what you were saying. But I love the way that your conviction was not budging in any shape or form, I actually fell into Pierce’s side. And that doesn’t happen very often, to say the least
Jane Evans [8:33]
David Ralph [8:34]
I know, I do apologize. Jane and I
Jane Evans [8:38]
have tough words.
David Ralph [8:40]
I think we will, I think we will. But you absolutely nailed down with your conviction. And I thought, well, well done. Jane Evans, you know, wherever, wherever I believe you or not, there was no budging you. And that is where the power comes, isn’t it, but you are willing to stand up to your own personal beliefs. And don’t worry about anyone else.
Jane Evans [9:00]
Yeah, and the thing is that my beliefs do not come from, well, this is what I think they come from studying research, and from direct work with human beings, real children, real young people, real adults for 25 years. So none of this stuff do I make up in the shower so that that’s a real asset. Many people have that, but they can’t articulate it. The bit, that means that I can go face to face with Piers Morgan. So the first time I was on with him, which is maybe the one that you saw, which was around consent, about, you know, teaching young children, that their bodies belong to them, and that we keep them safe when they, when we are, we always respectfully interact with their bodies. That was my point, which to me is just the biggest piece of common sense in the universe. And the reason I can deliver on that stuff, while somebody you know, a celebrity, is leaning across the desk and shouting at me and to humiliate me and whatever, like, literally, he was throwing all his Teddy’s out of the pram at this point, is because of the other work I do, which means that I’m, you know, most of my life, I’m very, very, very grounded, which means I’m very, very calm. So I have no fear. I have no fear. So somebody, you know, like that. It’s just let’s just get to the point, I can totally focus on every word that’s coming out of my mouth. I’m not shaking in any way. Live on TV, you know, I just think, yeah, there you go. Why would you not want that?
David Ralph [10:36]
And the time kind of go slow for you. Were you so in the zone with your content, but actually, it was seconds to you, I felt like hours.
Unknown Speaker [10:46]
It just felt perfect. It just every time you see me on TV, I’m pretty much you know, now for the last year or two pretty much the same. I’m not in any way intimidated by these people. I’m all is the person that they’ll usually be two or three against one. I mean, Suzanne’s read, reads opening comment on that that interview was Jane Surely you’re centralizing babies, you know, and I literally actually didn’t any fault of my stool at that point, because I thought, whoa, how have we gone from? Let’s protect all children to you know, I mean, it was, you know, but but it doesn’t rattle me. Because, again, I have so many inner resources now. That Yeah, come on, you know, and the thing is, what what that gives you and which is what I want to everybody is it means you can stay in your thinking, intelligent, rational brain. And that’s where most people struggle.
David Ralph [11:42]
I think you’re right, I do think you’re right. And as I say, and an applause is coming to you. Due to that, you standing up for what you believe. Now, what I wanted you to come on to the show for is that you are now at stress expert and through join up dots, I’ve never come to the realization that we all go for the money first of all, but actually, we should win the inner game, we should win our mental battle and our health battle to give us the energy and the focus to move through to where we want to be and generally that’s not the way now with the stresses are you know, are you totally stress free? Or do you throw your toys out the pram as well in the middle of test goes and lay on the floor and kick your legs and and I you totally like like the Yoda of wherever you live? Where do you live Winchester or something in it?
Jane Evans [12:33]
I live in in Wiltshire
David Ralph [12:36]
Wiltshire that was a I know it was a w. w. w in here. Are you the Yoda of up there?
Jane Evans [12:47]
To be honest, I probably am irritatingly I am now I genuinely, I mean the thing was stress, okay, we need to we need to understand there’s three kinds of stress. So there’s normal everyday stress, oh my god, I’m running, where’s my keys, jump in the car, blah, blah, blah, you know, 10 minutes down the road, I’ve got the radio on full blast, and it’s gone, it’s gone. So that’s just normal stress, we all have daily stress, and we need a level of stress in order to perform, you know, it was completely laid back. Now my energy would be really flat. I just be like, Yeah, whatever. So you know, there’s healthy stress, which we all need, and it makes us operate really, really well. Then there is tolerable stress, which is where there is a life event happening. Maybe we are, you know, our business really is struggling temporarily. There’s or maybe we had a brief moment or you know, something that’s there’s a context. And then when that begins to go away, then our stress will go back to a resting healthy rate, then what most people are experiencing nowadays is toxic stress. This is our children as well, we have a real mental health crisis for our children. And this is where stress doesn’t go away, which is against what nature intends nature intends. All there is a threat. You know, I can’t find my phone is perceived to be like, I’m gonna get my head bitten off by a dinosaur, you know, and we go into that stress response that’s meant to last not very long, and then it goes away. Nowadays, we can generate stress perfectly well by our thoughts. So you know, we can just keep on fueling, fueling that stress response or fight flight freeze, just by thinking about a deadline. The fact that we haven’t checked her emails, the fact that you know, I’ve got 10 minutes to record this. And then that keeps us in that elevated stress state, which has a massive physiological impact. So we end up with things like bad backs, next shoulders, Negro headaches, always having colds, IBS, stomach and digestive problems, food intolerances, inflammation in the body, just you know, I could go on literally that that’s all stress.
David Ralph [15:16]
Now we’ve stress because I I’m one of those bad people, Jane Evans, but actually look like I’m stress free, but I’m internal stress. And
Jane Evans [15:26]
I didn’t hear it. I can hear it in your voice. So yeah,
David Ralph [15:28]
it’s a strange thing. But I operate on a high intensity at all times. Now when I was at corporate gig, and you can go back through join up dots, and I’ve spoken about this, but I had what I thought was a heart attack. And I was doing my job. And suddenly this pain in my chest was like, off the scale and I like collapsed on my knees. But I didn’t bizarrely go gola golden ambulance get me. I just bought bloody hell think I’ve had a heart attack. I bet I finish up with more work and lunacy, looking back. And then about two years ago, well, it took me about a year and a half to overcome it, I now can look back and I had so much stress through me due to family issues. And and it wasn’t my family. My family is great, really tight control. It was like the extended family. And because I was the sort of the the central point to all of it. I was taking it on everyone trying to sort them out and help them out financially. And I literally was fizzing. That’s the only way I could describe it. I had so much whatever I had running through me, but my skin felt tingly. I just felt busy. My hair started dropping out. I was off the scale. Um, why did I let it get that far? Because obviously, walking around fizzing isn’t normal. But I couldn’t see. But it wasn’t normal. It was just like, as I was living.
Jane Evans [16:48]
Yeah, the reason that we can’t see it is that it’s very familiar. So we, you know, most of us from childhood, many of us, most of are used to live in with quite a lot of stress. You know, go spend time with your parents, you can love the bones of your parents. But actually, I guarantee that many of them have got high levels of anxiety. And so it’s familiar. It’s chemically familiar for our body and brain to be in that state. And I have this conversation literally, I don’t know how many times this week with clients that I’ve got the thing they they’re like, Oh, yeah, but when I feel calm it, it makes me feel a bit panicky. Yeah, because chemically, you’re not used to feeling calm. It’s like visiting a foreign land. It might be like when you go on holiday, it’s like, oh, yeah, I’m on holiday. This is nice. But there’s a part of you that’s craving to get back. Well,
David Ralph [17:45]
I’m gonna jump in there. Because that’s, that is interesting to me, because I used to find my worst stress moments was when I was laying in bed, and I used to think I should be relaxed here. I’m in bed. And I used to feel sort of really sort of. So that’s the reason it was, it was sort of unfamiliar to me.
Jane Evans [18:04]
Yeah, that’s the thing is so so I mean, one of the biggest developments for me over the last year has been learning a new technique called quantum energy coaching, which is very much about the conscious, and the subconscious mind. So your conscious mind, which is really tiny, it’s like a shrimp is saying, I’m going to go to bed and be really relaxed. So that’s, that’s your creative mind. It’s your thinking mind. Yes, lovely. Let’s, let’s take my system and lay it down in this bed. But it’s a shrimp, okay, your subconscious mind is is the size of a whale. So that’s running 90 to 95% of your life, it’s just we are very obsessed with our conscious, clever brain, which is about five to 10% running our life. So your subconscious mind has associations with sleep and bed as not being a particularly relaxing to be. And it will start. As soon as you go towards the bed, you lay in the bed, it’s then it starts filling you with all the thinking beliefs and emotional responses to laying in your bed. And you then try try to use your conscious mind and you know, the shrimp tries to take on the whale, and it doesn’t work.
David Ralph [19:20]
Now, I have been studying the works of Dr. Joseph Murphy, who talks about the subconscious mind, and he doesn’t quite go to the super subconscious, which is a bit freaky. But um, what he talks about is the fact that actually, we have a belief system in ourselves that can control all our issues, we just basically have to almost talk to ourselves now. But people out there that don’t know the difference between the conscious and the subconscious, the subconscious, as Jamie saying, controls the blood going around your body, your thoughts, and it can’t differentiate between reality and fantasy. If you program your subconscious and enough been you become the person that you want to be would that be about right? Jane, we almost have to convince ourselves that we are living in a stress free world, but our body to actually take that on board.
Jane Evans [20:11]
Yeah, I mean, the subconscious mind is, is our is what’s connected very strongly, it is connected with our body. You’re right. It’s our it’s our relational capacity, and it’s our survival capacity. And it only really cares about keeping us alive. So it’s, you need to reprogram it, you know, because otherwise we just carry on. So every time you you seeing you know lot of people have stuff about being late. And they’re not going to be late because they’ve planned to leave half an hour early. But as soon as they think about it, then they get lots of the stress chemicals whizzing around their body on their brain. And so they were perfectly on time now they’re running around the house doing idiotic things. So maybe will be late now. But it’s an old belief that was carried through. So our subconscious mind, this is really important to know, this is food before we’re about six or seven. So children, this is why if we can get into this space, it’s such a delight. They are all just subconscious mind. So they only really care about forming relationships and surviving. That’s all they’re really programmed to do. And they don’t have the capacity to think things through even though we we try and make them to you need to sit on that step and think about what you’ve done to your sister. Okay, well, I don’t have a conscious mind. But you know, if you want me to sit here, and then what is that word, I have to say, you know, they just they’re just like wide open receiving all the thinking, all the beliefs, all the room emotional responses of the adults they spend the most time with. So think about that for your parents, then that, that stays running in the background for the rest of your damn life. So somebody kept saying to you, when you were a little boy or little girl, you You’re always making a fuss, or Don’t be so silly, that’s such a silly thing or for goodness sake, stop whinging that that’s the background, you know, that voice in your head. That’s the voice that you have then for the rest of your days and less and then to you uninstalled that from your subconscious mind.
David Ralph [22:29]
Now, interestingly, I you hear that phrase all the time that show me the boy f7 and I’m going to show you the main income becomes something like that. With my kids. I’ve always said to them, you know, my son’s called Dan, and I say Dan, take one little off and it’s Can you can do anything you know, and I’ve always been very much like that. But I’ve seen back early stage motivation that I’ve had to dwindled more than more as I’ve gone through education, when I don’t want to step forward and show their true colors in case people laugh at them and stuff is is it possible for us to stay in that state of up to seven all the way through? Or is it just something that we’ve got to lose and then try our best to get back into
Jane Evans [23:16]
most of the stuff unfortunate that comes in before with seven is not useful stuff is not useful stuff. Very, very few children are raised with the kind of childhood where everybody slows down and says something happens so somebody pushes somebody over and everything slows down and we’re very kind to both children the you know, the one that’s been pushed on the and the pusher. So we we give the message to the children This is just a temporary blip because you know you for and you have a four year old brain I’m and you wouldn’t say that to the child. But that’s what you should be thinking as a child. And you and you use it is just a compassionate learning point. That doesn’t happen to most children. Most children we get told off. That’s no way That’s mean. Baba, Baba Baba. So those are the beliefs thinking and emotional responses we carry forward, which is why we’re all in the state we are now
David Ralph [24:12]
but Can Can we? Can we just twist that? Or is it a work in progress? Because as I say, I’m feeling pretty damn sexy at the moment. Yeah, I feel like I’m David lucky. You are where you are? Yeah, I don’t know what would happen between us suddenly realized three things basically, and my stress level has kind of disappeared. Number one, I feel like all my stresses were antsy. In a way, it was all about what might happen going forward. And none of them were actually what I was doing on a daily basis, it was all about what happens if no one listens, what happens if this what happened was bad. And most of it, I couldn’t control. So I’ve now been got to the point where I keep on trying to drag myself into the present. And that’s been a great thing. The other thing, I drink a ton of water. And I’m getting more sleep than I’ve ever done. And I’ve started doing this real amazing deep breathing stuff where you charge up your body with oxygen first thing in the morning, and you literally have got sparks flying off you all the day. And since been, it’s just been a walk in the park, I’m making more money, I’m having more fun, I’m enjoying myself, I’m having more free time. And I’m doing less and less of the bad work and the right, right word is coming to me because I’m not focused on the future, I’m only focused on the present, is that a good way or once again, have I created some simple system that is only going to operate for me, Jane,
Jane Evans [25:47]
it’s all in the simple, it’s that’s been one of my biggest learnings is it’s all in the simple, and it’s it’s very important to have. So what you’re doing, when you’re doing that you’re repeatedly bringing your body systems back to a place of safety, you know, when we are dehydrated, so it’s it’s careful with water, not drink too much water because you can over over hydrate yourself. But when we’re dehydrated, or we’re hungry, or we’re tired, our system perceives that as death threat. So it will start sending it’s part of anxiety is you know tending to these things not not having anxieties tending to these things. And sleeping top top top of this. But of course, when you have anxiety, you have poor sleep, so it’s a bit of a chicken and an egg and accessing the body systems within us. So you’re when you’re doing your deep breathing, what you’re doing, it’s not so much about but oxygen is you know, obviously very important, but what you’re actually doing is you’re breathing down into your belly area, you’re switching on your rest and digest system, your parasympathetic system, which is why it’s so calming. So again, it’s it’s all about balance with these things. And all of these techniques make a huge difference. But there is a but but there is about the lasting impact for these to have lasting impact you do also need to and install things in your subconscious thinking, and install new beliefs and thinking and responses to live. So you know, I mean, this may go on for you for a very, very long time. And as you say, when you change this, what you’re doing, what you’ve actually done is you’ve changed your energetic presence in the world. Yeah, because you will showing up with a different electromagnetic energy emanating from your body. That’s what we’re how people are perceiving you differently. And that’s why life is changing so much for you.
David Ralph [27:58]
And the other thing is cold showers. I’ve been having cold showers every morning, which was truly dreadful. But now I’m getting to the point, not two weeks in I’m actually thinking is this the same temperature, it’s it doesn’t seem as cold as it was before. It’s amazing how your body can get used to good things, as well as bad things. But we allow the bad things to sort of bed in somehow Don’t we?
Jane Evans [28:23]
Well, the bad things are all forms of, of self medication, you know that that’s kind of how we’ve been raised is, you know, and and again, this all starts in childhood, or you’re upset have this have some sweets, and nowadays it’s go on a screen. So when we do that, it’s a form of not feeling our feelings. So that’s why that’s why we get so stressed. That’s why we get so sick, because human beings are just are just walking feelings that and especially children, but we also too, we are rammed full of feelings. And you know, our our emotions drivers Far, far more than our intellect. It just doesn’t suit people to believe that, you know, we all have this big ego about using our intelligent brain. But that is your shrimp brain. Meanwhile, the whale Good luck, because the way will always eat the shrimp. So things like so cold showers, what you’re doing is you’re activating something called your Vegas nerve. So that’s also really, really helpful. And you know, that’s a lot of the work I do now is giving people simple, helpful ways to switch on and balance out their body systems, because then your brain gets a chance to have clarity to stop doing what ifs, which is how you’ve been living you’ve been living and what if land trying to mitigate against things that you have no control over and 99.9% of time don’t happen anyway, you put a horrible energy out into the world band. And and that’s that’s how people perceive you, whether it’s through a text message and email or phone conversation of podcast, even, you know, it’s all your energetic presence that people are connecting with. And that all changes when you start taking this stuff really seriously. And you know, it brings you health and wealth. I think
David Ralph [30:18]
what you say that we’re all feelings, it’s true, but I find it very easy to demonstrate happiness and and taking this, as I say, I will bounce around being overly happy. But I’m not very good at showing emotion. As in salvation, I remember going to see Toy Story for a toy story three. And at the end of it when the toys were about to die. I suddenly started crying in the cinema. And I thought oh my god, someone’s gonna see me someone’s gonna see me. And my my daughter who’s 14, she keeps on saying to me, I’ve never seen you cry dad go. And I was like, when you cry? I can’t show that I’m happy stuff. Is that wrong as well? Should I just be an open? So acambis the old emotions?
Jane Evans [31:02]
Well, it’s it’s very complex stuff. But the thing is, it’s not healthy, to not express our feelings in some way or not even express them. But allow us this is the most important thing, allow ourselves to feel them. So what happens is somewhere in our childhood, we get a message that don’t show your feelings. Or I only you’re only acceptable to me when you are a nice, happy, bright child, when you’re winning and being angry or crying. And this particular we do this terribly tour, what what we do to boys is we just tell them don’t show us any of the you know, any crying or any be tough. And generally what we do to girls, which is interesting is is we show is we tell girls, you’re an acceptable if you’re smiling and happy and kind of nice. And being a Lyft a nice little girl. So a lot of women are do the kind of fake happy, you know, jolly La La Oh, it’s so good to see you all.
David Ralph [32:06]
Jane, I promise you bloody miserable,
Jane Evans [32:09]
feel safe, they must feel safe. But but generally that it’s quite gendered, that we raise girls be happy and keep everyone else happy, always generally are allowed to express their anger and blah, blah, blah, but they definitely can’t show any tenderness or cry. So whatever, whatever our parents wanted us to give them, we then carry forward in life, but it’s fake. Therefore, it’s a big, big stress for us. It’s a big stress on your on your system, it drains all your resources. And ultimately it will, it will always make you ill eventually.
David Ralph [32:48]
And so sort of work stresses when you get to work. And you’ve got all the emails you’ve got that there’s not much you can do about that is there really for for for the listener out there, but goes yeah, it’s all right for them to sit in, in their little office on their microphones, talking about how life is good. But when you go into it, and you’re at this sort of the coalface and you’ve got this person, you’ve got this meeting, you’ve got that meeting, it’s almost bad unless you can control the the whole environment, you’re going to have those stresses.
Jane Evans [33:16]
No, it’s not about controlling the environment, we can we can’t control anything environmentally, you know, the, the roof could fall in on my head at this moment. I can’t control that, you know, it’s not going to but it could, you know, it’s never ever about trying to control external stuff. This is where we all go wrong. You know, if I just get all my emails done today, well, good luck, because they’ll be more and, you know, you and I, okay, we might be, we might be self employed. But I’ve got tons of stuff I know, I haven’t replied, blah, blah, blah, you know, and it’s about having ways to control our internal responses to what is in real life. That is the game changer. When you do this work on yourself, and you change your subconscious mind, and you have ways of grounding yourself, then it is what it is, you just don’t react in the same way. And that’s where you access your optimum health and real, the thing that’s changed for me is that I, a lot of the time, I just feel very peaceful.
David Ralph [34:19]
Say that I think that’s what came across. And that’s why I asked you on the show again, you just seem to be in control, like nothing could faze you, and you are a stress person. And I thought to myself, yeah, I can see that. I can see that she’s so she’s so calm. She’s almost in a coma. That’s that’s what that’s where we are now. Yeah, but a lot of people you see them talking about stuff, I don’t believe it,
Jane Evans [34:43]
I looking at it, because it’s not authentic David you You’re, you’re very good at picking up authenticity. So, you know, this isn’t this is something that I, you know, that does upset me, although it doesn’t, you know, it upsets me at a certain level is that there’s so many fake stuff, and so many fake people out there. And this is how they talk when they’re talking about it, you should do mindfulness, mindfulness is really good. And this is how we do mindfulness. And so as soon as you hear someone talking with that energy behind their voice, avoid run for the hills, you know, it’s got to be, what you’ve picked up for me is the authenticity that is every cell in my being is aligned to this now. And, you know, like you I do stuff every day, you know, I do some yoga every day, I have little grounding techniques I use through the day, I use very high quality essential oils. But the biggest change that I keep going back to is doing this music with quantum energy coaching on myself and with my clients to change the subconscious the background, because that’s the things that scare you, you can open your emails and have 150 emails, and be really common thing, wow, 150 people are really interested in what I’m saying, well doing, or you know, something else, whatever serves you best, or you can like have a meltdown. And then just actually what you’ll do is probably go and get a cup of coffee and distract yourself for the next half an hour. But you know, because your stress levels have gone through the roof. It’s it’s either is available. And you know, your health, your absolutely your health depends on this. I think that was a big thing for me as I, I kept reading all the science and it was like, and I was thinking, wow, I am definitely not going to make old bones. This is not in my plan. Because I you know, I have a beautiful son and he got married. And one day I want grandbabies, hopefully and all the rest of it. So I want to be around as long as I can. But But all you know, you pick up on me on the fact that these people have learned they’ve been on courses, they’ve read books, they get it intellectually, but they don’t live it with every fiber in their being. That’s what you connect with.
David Ralph [36:54]
I don’t think they even get it intellectually. There’s No, they don’t. And there’s a guy called Bob Proctor. And he is to do with the law of attraction and stuff and, you know, quantum physics and a higher vibration. And he said, I’ve been studying this every single day for 55 years. And he said, I will tell you, and he mentioned jack Canfield, the Chicken Soup for the Soul guy. And he mentioned somebody else. And he said, I think that’s the only three people you should listen to. He said, everybody else he said, they don’t get it by getting a certain level. Yeah, get a grape enough. Now with yourself. This is what mind bound, interesting way of podcasting. When I started off podcasting, at the very beginning, it was to build a personal brand it was to build a focus. And as I started doing it, I started to think I actually love the nuance of podcasting. I like the the skill of it. Now I’m not a techie person. So I like to do it as simply as possible to get the best results. But an upset built up. And once that obsession built up, I realized, but actually, it made things so much easier. I wasn’t trying to suck the information in I was consuming it like you know, he liked it. Yeah, you like it? And that’s where stresses come as well, isn’t it so many people are having to do stuff, but media be bothered to do. You know, I used to be a corporate land and having meetings and I used to think I really don’t care, you know, you’re going to come down, you’re going to come out in a moment and ask what my plans are for the next quarter. And the day I left actually came out and they said to me, what’s your plans for the next quarter? And I said, I really don’t care at all because I’m leaving. And they are when now you’re not leaving. I went, Yeah, I am. And I left, I just left, because I just knew that. I just couldn’t care enough about something that made me come alive until I found john of dots.
Jane Evans [38:53]
Yeah, there you go. And that’s it. And the thing, the thing with me is that so I haven’t been studying for 55 years, I’ve been studying it for 15. But every single day of my life. So I will never ever talk about anything unless I can say to you, I can find you the science on that I can explain the science to you. Because I think that’s very, very disrespectful to just have a working knowledge of this stuff, and then be trying to make money out of it and make people do stuff, I would never do that. And I can straight away as soon as I open the book, I’ll know whether this person is knows their stuff or not. And that’s very important. People are handling their mental health and their well being over to people all the time because the people are good at marketing. Well, good luck with that. It’s really, really dangerous. And it is that thing, you know, I see it, I see it in my son, you know, my beautiful boy, he’s 28 he at the moment is is selling his soul to the devil because he received that he really needs money. Because you know, need to buy home Allah and I I tried to say, Tim, find what you love, darling, and do that. And you’ll be so well and money will come and he just he’s just not there yet. But it’s you know, since I pull back and took my foot off the gas pedal. I just the whole life just is slowed down and I I see cut, you know, I see the color. I mean, when I go for a walk now I literally notice every bird not every bird because there’s a lot around here. But you know what I mean? Like I will I will stop it sounds a bit the when you say it, but to me it’s quite exciting. Like I’ll stop and I’ll actually see me there’s a robin singing and I’ll whereas before I’ve been there, oh Robin, you know, shall I Instagram now will actually stop and listen to the damn Robin and I won’t even bother Instagram it. And it’s it this is available to everybody. But it does take courage. And when you become really grounded really centered reality manage your emotional state. You just feel like literally anything is possible and exactly what you said, David as well. I don’t I don’t worry about money anymore. I don’t worry about even where I’m going to live anymore. I don’t literally I have I virtually worry about nothing, which is very irritating. I know.
David Ralph [41:19]
I think you thinking what do I worry about I I’m sure there must be things I worry about. But at the moment, as I’m sitting here talking to you, I feel in a very calm. Let’s see what happens. And I used that phrase at the beginning of the introduction like a twig on the mighty stream of I used to use that he is ago and people used to say to me how’s life David I used to say I’m like a tweak on the mighty stream of life. And I never used to struggle for anything. And people used to say, oh, you’re the luckiest person in the world. And I used to say no, I just go with the flow. If I got to an airport, and everyone was trying to get a higher car, I would just kind of walk through happily and get the first tire car and just be be on my way didn’t really have to stress or anything. But then I think I over I over effort it if there’s a problem, I put too much effort in it. And I started finding tides and currents that actually were taking me in different directions that I shouldn’t have gone with. And that’s where I think I got into trouble, I was paddling in all directions, when I should have just kind of trusted the process and go with the flow.
Jane Evans [42:26]
So the thing about everything changes when we have something internal that we can anchor everything to. So when when we do, we just we just living this kind of a lot of people live life at a great pace, because they don’t have any internal solid sense of who they are. And feeling okay with themselves, you know, because so they just live life at this really, really, really frantic pace. So they, they take on ridiculous amounts of work, or they stay late at work, they’re the ones offering to do the extra thing, they then go to the gym, or they go for a run or they get on their bike or they you know, they just see that perpetual motion. And then when they’re home, they keep doing something or they numb themselves out with screens. And that means that you never get this, this sense of centering and connecting with your feelings. Because most of us didn’t get that as a child. So when it happens when we feel a feeling, it makes us panic. So we may be reached for you know, a large glass of wine or some really big plate of food, because all these things numb our feelings out. And then we we keep on in this false life that we’ve created. And of course, now we have social media, we can post pictures of my amazing holiday, I’m having such a wonderful time, and everybody thinks she was so there’s more and more kind of fake living going on. And on which you’re trapped in that you don’t know how to get out of it. And then you feed yourself lines every day with why you know, I don’t have any choice but to keep going with this because I have to pay the mortgage, or I don’t I can’t not do this because blah, blah, it depends on me. And it’s it’s, you know, it just doesn’t work out very well. And when you look at the health implications of living a life like this, where you in no way do you are you true to yourself, it’s it’s not going to end well. bits will fall off along the way, or you’ll have it like you did a major car crash or something serious will happen and the car will not be able to be repaired.
David Ralph [44:45]
Yeah, I agree with that. And one of the things I’m doing at the moment, I haven’t posted on Facebook for Well, for three years, I think or personally. And I’ve decided I’m gonna go back and delete every post I’ve ever done. I want to create live off Facebook totally, and strip it down. So it’s just joined up dots, just the podcast, I don’t need any social media. To be honest, I dip into LinkedIn every, every day, just real quick look, you know, but there’s no comparisons in my life. And I think that’s one of the issues that people have, isn’t it? They’re comparing, as you say, they’re sitting on the sofa, watching Netflix, and they look on their phone and they see somebody you know, going out for lunch? And they will do that stupid be my, my wife adult do they line up their glasses of wine? And then I photograph it and post it on social media? Have you seen that when people are going, Oh, hey, we are women in a pub. And this is what we’re drinking and people got one for me and Oh, it looks lovely. And all that kind of stuff. I think comparisons I think speed. And I think the inability to anchor to your authentic self. I think that is where stress is resolved. Do you think Jane have we sort of hit it out of the park with those?
Jane Evans [45:57]
Well, to a degree but but you have to decide Yes, Joe? Sorry David I’m not. I’m very authentic. Or
David Ralph [46:05]
you can be nice to me every now and again.
Jane Evans [46:08]
Be very nice to you. I love I love working with you. It’s a joy.
Ya know that there’s a really essential components. But you also have to change, you know, you have to change the mechanics of how you’re operating. Because otherwise those are all just sticking plasters. Right. If you don’t change your subconscious mind, then once you know if any stress comes your way. So yes, everything’s going well alive and something big happens, then it will flick you back into living again permanently in fight flight freeze. So this is this is the essence of stress. Yes. And so stress is that your stress response, your fight flight freeze response is activated most of the time. And unless you make these serious adjustments, then yeah, life is good, life is good. And then oh, there’s a threat, there’s a health threat or a relationship threat or a business threat or something. And then it all crumbles and the things that you were doing in order to be well and have less stress go out the window, because they’re slightly built on the foundations are not as strong as they could be. When you change your subconscious mind, then the foundations are solid, and what comes comes, and you are able to stay steady and healthy and respond in a really useful way.
David Ralph [47:34]
Wow. Okay, so we’re just coming up to an hour now. So I thought I could keep this going for about three hours to be honest. But where would somebody what Where’s a good place for our listener to go? If I want to stop reprogramming that subconscious mind that that has come out of your mouth three or four times must be key. Where’s the place that you go? Go and trust this because this is good stuff?
Jane Evans [47:58]
Well, I mean, that’s, that’s the core of coaching that I do. Now, you know, now I’m the lasting life change coach, because that’s what I bring to people. And the core of that is this process is quantum energy coaching process, which was developed by Dr. Melanie salmon. So she was a GP, and then she trained to be a therapist. And she realized that neither of them were bringing lasting changes to anybody she was working with. So she started digging into the science and has brought it all together in this amazing technique, which I now use with everybody. So yeah, if you really want it to last and come work with me,
David Ralph [48:34]
I like the way you did that your sales person, like, it’s amazing to see them.
Jane Evans [48:40]
I just you know, when you just really believe in something, I’m not gonna lie, you can go try that other stuff. And you know, but if you really want it to last, then work with me or someone else who does quantum energy coaching.
David Ralph [48:52]
Yeah, I agree. I agree totally. Well, this hasn’t quite gotten in to be the format of the show. But I’m going to do it. Anyway, I’m going to the Sermon on the mic on to this. Because Jane was on the show, as we say back on episode four or five, nine. It’s been about three years since you’ve last been on. So what I want to do, I want to send you back in time to the version that was with me three years ago and see if you would give any advice to get you to where you are now. So I’m going to play the music. And when it fades you up. This is the Sermon on the mic.
Whenever you ready, Jane?
Jane Evans [49:51]
Okay, so what I would say to the Jane Evans, who was running around the UK, like a demented person several years ago, he was so passionate but but was in overkill, I think that most things is that you’re going to really have to slow down, you have all the resources in you to create lasting change for yourself, but for everyone else, but you’re going to have to do some serious work on yourself. And that isn’t the old stuff. So a lot of people think I’ll go to therapy and talk about all the old stuff. In fact, this is my favorite quote. Now, the secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new. And that’s Socrates. And that, to me is what’s what I would say to myself then is you have to start really focusing on right now and the change and grounding yourself, and be beginning to be able to feel your feelings and not be over Wow, with and learning ways to bring yourself back to a place of emotional and physical safety. It’s not out there that solutions lie, it’s in you.
David Ralph [51:11]
Great stuff, great stuff. So Janine for the listeners, what’s the best way for them to connect with you.
Jane Evans [51:18]
Um, so I have a website, which is all the W’s, the Jane evans.com. Twitter, I still have my old Twitter, which is at Jane parenting with the number two on the end. And Facebook, I’ve just set up a Facebook page, the lasting life change coach, or as we were chatting earlier on, I regularly post on LinkedIn. So if you look for Jane Evans on LinkedIn, and if you probably put wellness next to it, I would pop up.
David Ralph [51:48]
Great stuff. We have all the links on the show notes. And, Jane, thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those stress three dots. And please come back again, when you got more dots to join up. Because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Jane, it’s been a delight. Thank you so much.
Jane Evans [52:06]
Thank you so much David for having me.
David Ralph [52:10]
Jane Evans v. Jane Evans, I love her. I do. I’m in love with Jane Evans. She is just so so herself. She’s so in the zone. And honestly, I don’t recommend many people prove a show really, I say that they’re, they’re good, whatever. I’ve seen Jane’s work all the way through and she’s she’s on a game. So if you are in a place where you’re going, Oh, you know, life is stressful life space lifespan, I really recommend that you can’t do better bank connect with her. And of course, all the links will be on the show notes. And I don’t get anything for saying that. I just say that because it’s a personal belief. Until next time, thank you so much for listening to be new versions of Joe join up dots where we focus more on the five dots the mentor over time, the fitness, the business, and the fun and inspiration. I will be here again next time. Hopefully you will be to look out for yourselves and I will see you again chance sir. Come on
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you are wants to become so he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to join up.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on join up dots.