John Finch Joins Us On The Steve Jobs Inspired Join Up Dots Podcast
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Introducing John Finch
John Finch is our guest today joining us on the Steve Jobs inspired podcast.
He is a man who grew up the youngest of 3 boys in a suburb of Dallas where he lost his father to suicide at age 11.
Subsequently as a young man, he did anything he could to avoid confronting the wounds he suffered as a result of being fatherless.
His craving for affirmation from a father who was not there to provide it, led him to seek that affirmation from the world in many unhealthy ways.
In an attempt to find value as a man, he created a false persona that left him completely unfulfilled.
His life was based on the pursuit of money in order to prove his success and he became a social alcoholic as he strived to be the life of every party and gain the attention of those around him.
How The Dots Joined Up For John
It was only when he realized and dealt with the unresolved issues of his father wound that he was able to become truly fulfilled.
On April 10th, 2009, he finally came face to face with the issues that drove him to seek approval from a father who was not there to give it to him.
By forgiving his father and recognizing what it truly means to be a man, he became a new man, husband and father.
And now with his film The Father Effect” highlighting to the world the damage that fathers do unwittingly to their kids, he has become an award winning producer, happier than ever, and on a mission to change lives.
So does he think that without the tragic ending of his father, he wouldn’t have got to this position now?
Did he need that to start of the sequence that has lead him to the happiness he is feeling today?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Mr John Finch
During the show we discussed such weight subject such as:
How through his research and work talking to fathers across the world he discovered the shocking facts that ten out of ten people have father wounds.
Why he makes so much effort with his children to let them understand how he is feeling, his mistakes, his struggles. He is intentional with his actions which are a gamechanger
How he recalls the moment in great detail, when he flicked the switch on his future life, and the steps that he took to take control of something that he had lost in the bars of America.
How he now sees his lack of knowledge of film making as a huge bonus in the creation of The Father Effect. It doesnt matter if you dont have all the information, work it out as you go along.
John Finch Books
How To Connect With John Finch
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Full Transcription Of John Finch Interview
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK. David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:36]
Yes, sir. Hello there everybody. Hello, world. Hello, every single and hello to Kevin Leber’s golden, the lovely lady in my life, who that very first jingle, whatever you do, whenever you go back thing, she’s actually told me to keep playing it every show. So I’m going to do that and that’s for you, Karen. And thank you so much for coming into my life as Thank you so much. But today guest to come into my life because he’s somebody, but it seems that I’ve been waiting for a long time to have him on the show. He is a guy who grew up the youngest of three boys in a suburb of Dallas, where he lost his father to suicide at age 11. Now subsequently, as a young man, he did anything he could to avoid confronting the wounds he suffered as a result of being fatherless is craving for affirmation from a father who was not there to provide it led him to seek the affirmation from the world in many unhealthy ways. In attempt to find value as a man, he created a false persona that left him completely unfulfilled. His life was based on the pursuit of money in order to prove his success, and he became a social alcoholic, as he strived to be the life of every party and gain the attention of those around him. It was only when he realised and dealt with the unresolved issues of his father, would he truly become fulfilled. Now on April attempt 2009 he finally came face to face with the issues that drove him to seek approval from a farmer who was not there to give it to him by forgiving him and when recognising what it truly means to be a man, he became a new man, husband and father himself. And now with his film The father effect highlighting to the world but damage that fathers do unwittingly to their kids. He has become an award winning producer happier than ever and on a mission to change lives. So does he think that without the tragic ending of his Barber, he wouldn’t have got to this position now? And did he need to start the sequence that has led him to the happiness he is feeling today? Well, let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Mr John Finch. Good morning, Mr. Finch. How are you sir?
John Finch [2:37]
I’m very good. Thanks for having me, David.
David Ralph [2:39]
It is great to have you here. It’s one of these episodes but on Join Up Dots, they can go from, you know, very deep, very motivational, very moving to sort of light hearted and sort of banter fueled. I imagine that your life is kind of like that it’s half and half or is that a simplistic way of looking at it?
John Finch [3:00]
No, it is I you know what I, I love to laugh. Matter of fact, I think most people would say I’m a pretty happy guy. I you know, even though the the story of how I grew up and what’s happened in my life was, was somewhat tragic. laughter is such a huge piece and part of my life so it’s very, very important. is it
David Ralph [3:23]
so important that you can sort of overdo it? I see some people that literally are smiling all the time, and it just seems false. Now my wife always says to me, you would think I was mad if I was walking around smiling and I say well just smile once in a blue moon then I’ll be happy with it, you know, but but is is you as a natural ambience as come from you. Is it just your natural self? Or do you wake up every morning and go Yeah, today, I’m gonna be the happy person that I was yesterday.
John Finch [3:53]
You know, I mean, there’s days where where, you know, they’re not so good. So, for me, it’s all about being being real and being transparent and authentic. I’m not that guy that puts a smile on my face if a day’s not going well. You know, I, the one thing I’ve learned in this journey is that people want to see real, they want to see people that are authentic. And so yeah, if I’m having a crappy day, I’ll tell somebody, if they asked me, how’s your day going? I’ll say it’s pretty crappy. So, you know, it’s all about being honest, and not putting on that false persona. Because believe me, for many, many years, I lived with that false persona. And it didn’t get me anywhere. So you know, it’s interesting. You see a lot of the the very good comics stand that comics, the stories that you hear from them. They actually survived some pretty horrific childhoods, and it was, it was the laughter it was them coming up with comedy and and trying to make others laugh, that actually helped them survive those, those very tragic days. So it’s interesting that you bring that up because I just saw something on comics not too long ago, and, and most of them didn’t have a very good, very good childhood.
David Ralph [5:13]
I suppose most people in life are trying to either Well, as I say, escape from pain or move into pleasure, it’s how it operates, isn’t it and whether you’re in a corporate gig that you don’t like anymore, or you’ve got a girlfriend or a wife who turns out to be a lunatic and you want to, you know, free yourself is generally how life operates. It’s pain and pleasure. And I suppose we need both sides to win. We’re on our deathbed go. Yeah, we’ve seen a lot we’ve seen enough.
John Finch [5:43]
Sure, you know, I think in life, all of us are going to experience the the real pain that comes with with just being being human. And it’s, you know, I think perception, it’s a perception of how you look at things you could take 100 different People, and you could have explained a situation where something happens to them. And I think every one of them would, would react differently. Every one of them would tell you how they would feel, but differently because the perception life experience is what what shapes us and moulds us into who we are, through through life and through our childhood and things of that nature.
David Ralph [6:24]
Now, of course, we’ve got you on the show, because you have been on a complete path yourself, which we will go back into, but we’re going to start with talking about your film, The Farber effect, which I watched, and I’ll be honest, it upset me we have so many ways and one of the reasons it kind of upset me and it might sound bizarre to say this is I’ve had a wonderful father all the way through my life who’s always been there, always supporting he’s coming up at now and he’s still there for us all the time. And I hope to do the same for my kids. I’ve got five kids of my own. And so every night I make sure that I’m bear to put them to bed every morning I wake them up, you know, I try to do with kind of simple things. When I was watching this film, it made me realise in a weird way, but I kind of felt guilty somehow. But there was so many people out there but didn’t experience just the simple love a farmer should be giving to his to his children. Is that a weird outlook? Or have people said the same kind of thing to you?
John Finch [7:28]
No, I think it’s very familiar. You know, the, the tragedy and all of it is that very few of us did grow up with a great father. And I can tell you, you’re very, very blessed. So many people have a have a story that’s that’s opposite of yours, that you know that the father was disconnected or disengaged because of work. Maybe he put work over his family. And that was the priority. Maybe that was there was a death like in my case, maybe There’s divorce. And so a lot of kids and now grown adults are are just like me suffering from that Father wound, if you will, where they just they didn’t get the affirmation, and all that they needed just growing up, whether it be a boy or girl. We interviewed several for the film, and women and men, and we saw the story play out the same for so many in that in that Father womb. Is it
David Ralph [8:31]
Raven? Because I would have thought that, you know, it would be 5050. But you’ve got great dads, and I understand the work aspect. I totally understand that because as a man and you’re providing for your kids and your family, you do feel that you that’s your job, you’ve got to go out and do it and I hold my hand up. But I spent many years I’m missing out on things because I had to go to work. Now I look back on it and i think is there a better way Doing it didn’t have to go to work. And I would still argue in my head but I had to. So I can see that will the work aspect is very, very difficult to overcome. But I would have thought it’s about 5050. But you don’t think it is you think the majority of people out there basically have sort of crappy, crappy father relationships?
John Finch [9:21]
Yes, unfortunately, that is the case and everything that we’ve seen Matter of fact, one of the statistics that we show in the film is that nine out of 10 people have a father wound and and obviously, there’s varying degrees of that wound. You know, some are much deeper than others. But there there’s an expert that we interviewed. He’s a best selling author john Eldridge. He’s He’s authored a book called Wild at Heart, and and some others and he would argue that that 10 out of 10 people have a father wind, and now again, not every father wound may play out and tragic circumstances. Yeah, you know, and lead to addiction and imprisonment. And a lot of the other things you do see as a result of a father one, but but the majority of people out there, yes do suffer from some type of father wound. And and I tell you, when I first started making this film and started sharing my story, everyone that I talked to had some type of story and began to open up and share with me and, and it was just it’s an epidemic that’s much more massive than than anyone really realises.
David Ralph [10:35]
So obviously yours was huge, the tragic your father took his own life. And I can understand that being being a wound. Absolutely. But when he’s saying 10 out of 10 now there’s got to be some very little wounds that almost seem insignificant. What kind of the other small ones that make up the 10 out of 10? Because I’m struggling to grapple with what may could be,
John Finch [11:03]
well, you know, as as fathers, and then you know, this is a father, we’re all in. Perfect, we’re not perfect. And so there’s gonna be, you know, at some point or another working on our kids, I’ve wounded my kids, you know, I have whether it be maybe I didn’t put them as a priority over work at times. Now, what’s nice about that whole situation is it’s never too late, never too late for forgiveness. You know, what I’ve learned in the in this process is when I mess up when I lose my temper, and say something I shouldn’t say in front of my kids or to my kids. Now, I know that when I calls those little wounds when I do those things, that I can go and talk to my girls and say, You know what, I am so sorry, Will you forgive me? And that’s been a big lesson for me because before this journey, it was, Hey, I’m your father. You just do what I say. And I’m gonna run the kingdom. You know? And I never felt the need to go and explain to them and really show them the human part of who I am and tell them look, dad is not perfect, but he’s doing the very best he can.
David Ralph [12:10]
And John how old are your kids.
John Finch [12:14]
I’ve got 16, 14 and 10.
David Ralph [12:17]
So do they all understand that, or do they kind of think, you know, our dad’s just having a moment. And I tell you a little story about five, six years ago, I was reading a book or reading a book or something. And there was a story about a guy who wrote letters to his loved ones, and he just posted them and they all received them. And it was a great way of really opening up because more often than not, it’s a struggle, life sort of takes over and you don’t generally sit down and share your feelings with people. So I did that and about one to me mom and one to my wife and one to my kids, all of them and one to my daughter’s boyfriend, who he thought that I hated him and I Didn’t I just kind of didn’t connect with him, you know. And I sent them all out, they thought I was having a breakdown. They didn’t grasp because it was so unusual that a person would actually put their feelings on the line right there. Do your kids kind of go out? That’s just having a moment or do they actually look you in the eye and go? Yeah, I totally understand you, dad. Was it a journey that you’ve had to go through with them? How is that played out for you?
John Finch [13:27]
Yeah, it’s definitely been a journey. I think they’ve seen the change in me. But most importantly, you know, when I have those moments when I mess up, and I do all the time, where I have to have these conversations with my daughters and say, Look, Dad messed up. I’m sorry, here’s kind of what I was going through. I was having a bad day or you know, it just if it’s walk through the situation with them, and then just say, Hey, will you forgive me? They do. And again, what’s nice about that, and what’s really important is they see I’m not perfect and they see they don’t have to be Perfect, they see that they can make mistakes and that it’s okay. And, and so they’ve definitely seen it. I mean, I’m sure there’s times they’re looking at me and go Okay, dad’s having one of his episodes again, you know, but there’s definitely times where I feel the need when it when I’ve really messed up to go have those conversations and it’s, it’s led to such a great relationship between me and my girls. So it’s definitely been a positive thing.
David Ralph [14:27]
Does it work the same with your wife? Do have you found yourself Alba to open up and communicate on a deeper level because of this?
John Finch [14:37]
Absolutely. You know, the thing is in making this film with my wife specifically is before this, this journey that that I started where, you know, where I found forgiveness for my dad and really began to change my life. This whole whole process has been very educational for me. We interviewed about 80 plus people In every interview, I learned something that I could take and implement in my own home. And one of the things was modelling, you know, I before this, I would be the guy that was just my wife was supposed to take care of everything at the house and I was the one going out there and making the money, and I wasn’t supposed to help at home. And that’s just the way it was. What I came to understand realise is, you know, the way I treat my wife, my wife is what my girls see as normal. So if I’m abusive, if I’m abusive physically or verbally, they’re going to think that it’s okay and they’re gonna think that’s normal. So you know, as a father, I’m setting the standard by which my girls are going to measure every other man husband and father. And and as a as a father to two boys. I’m going to set the standard by which bull boys are going to measure themselves as a man husband and father. So you know when I love on my wife, my girls, just Smile, they just light up, because there’s a safety and security in that, that they didn’t see before. So again, even in that they’ve seen that I’ve changed. But most importantly, I want to model a man that that they can be proud of and a man that most likely they’re going to marry, you know, as a father, the personality that you have. And what they see in you. Is, is very much like a man that they’re going to marry in a lot of cases. Unfortunately, on the flip side of that, you know, if if you’ve grown up in a house that’s very abusive, we see it and statistics show that that young girl grows up in a house with the dads abusive, she, in a lot of cases is gonna marry an abusive, abusive man.
David Ralph [16:46]
On the flip side of that blow, will it get to a point that your girls won’t find anyone that match up to their dad? That dad has operated on a sort of higher level when most of the young fellows have begun to bump into
John Finch [17:02]
You give me way too much credit, David.
I’m not that nearly that I’m not I haven’t set the bar that high. But
David Ralph [17:12]
you may not have set it up but you are trying you’re making a difference and and most people don’t try, you know, they will say they try, but they just kind of operate on automatic pilot somehow you’re you’re more aware of your actions.
John Finch [17:27]
That that’s definitely been the biggest piece probably is I wake up every day literally. I mean, I literally every day, wake up and I’m very aware, very intentional and purposeful in what I do as a father and a husband. So that piece of my life is as again as rat radically changed. But yeah, I guess there’s there’s always that possibility that they may not find somebody that lives up to the standards, but you know, I hope and pray that they will
David Ralph [18:01]
Get rid of him. JOHN, do you know that they’re gonna be 45 still living with mom and dad because they come, I can’t bear You’ve ruined your life. Ultimately, you’ve ruined your life.
John Finch [18:12]
I’ve just totally jacked up my girls, I hear you. I gotta, I gotta lower the ball a little bit. That’s
David Ralph [18:19]
right, just, you know, walk around in your pants, start scratching yourself and let them realise that that you know, that that’s that’s what dads and men do. So when when you started this journey, I’m interested, I don’t want to dwell too much on the darkness. But I think it would be wrong not to ask the question was because I watched the film. And at the very beginning of the film, a child goes off to school, and I assumed it was you when I was watching it. And But dad was driving him off to school and he was very quiet, and the kid was sort of chatting away to the dead. And then the voiceover sort of basically said, that was the last time I ever saw my dad again, and it choked me up. He choked me Because the kid was looking for a connection, and his dad was wasn’t there, his dad was in a different place and ultimately took his own life. Now, was your dad always distant? Was your dad, somebody that you could have pinpointed and look with hindsight, hindsight for? Yeah, okay. I could have seen how this was gonna play out.
John Finch [19:23]
You know, growing up and again, I was 11 when he did it. I didn’t have that close relationship with my father. I had two older brothers. And one of my older brothers was a very athletic guy, and my dad really just kind of took to him because of the athletics and he was so good at what he did. And And so yeah, I I don’t remember a very intimate relationship with my dad. And, you know, I think for like so many dads and we all kind of make this mistake. We get caught up in kind of our own little demons and chaos of life. And a lot of times we don’t pay Pay attention to our kids the way we should. And I think that’s what my dad was doing. I mean, he, he had a lot of various issues that he was dealing with. And, and Matter of fact, the day he had done some time in prison, and the day he ended up killing himself, he was actually going back to court. And his lawyer had told him, he was going back to prison. And he had always told my mom, I’ll never go back to prison. So that was part of it. And you know, to add to that story about two weeks before he did shoot himself, I found the gun that he shot himself with. And and so all of the normal guilt and shame that maybe an 11 year old goes through when a dad dies and the way he did, you know, well, maybe if I would have done something, maybe if he did it because of me, those type of things. I had the whole I found the gun before he did it on top of that. So it was it was a lot for for an 11 year old to have to deal with. But I think people that really knew him at the time, probably will weren’t all that surprised, because I think there were some very peculiar behaviour leading up to his death he had become very paranoid and, and he was he was involved with organised crime at one point he got caught up in that and so I think that had something to deal with it. And so that there was quite a bit for one man to have to have to shoulder but you know, the the important piece of how I came to understand and forgive my dad was really learning more about him and his life. Coming or leading up to the time I forgave him, I started to hear more stories about the way he grew up. And my dad had a very, very rough life, like a lot of people do. He, his mom dropped him off in New Orleans, Louisiana at the age of 16. Just kind of be on his own. So it’s 16 years of age. He’s in New Orleans, Louisiana, raising himself. And so you know, there’s that history, that that that’s part of what I found that started giving me compassion for my phone call. And that’s what led to the forgiveness.
David Ralph [22:03]
Right? Okay. So there’s a journey from that point, there’s a journey from gaining the background knowledge, the understanding of what led to it. And getting to that point where you kind of think, you know, as you were saying, he was going back to jail, didn’t want to go back. I can, I could see that I could understand why, okay, you’re not taking me I’m gonna take myself it’s my liberty is my destiny and I’m in control of it, you’re not going to take that away from me anymore, so I can totally understand that. But the gap between you only flicking that switch on yourself and changing dramatically. That is a piece of work, isn’t it? But is a total understanding. Was it the case that you just got fed up with the situation’s you were in? did things get boring? You know, that kind of bit? It we’re about all men go through when you you date a lot and then you realise You’re actually fed up with dating and but you’re not quite ready to settle down, you’re just in that sort of next bit. How did you transition from in your, you know, unhealthy lifestyle to going now actually, I need to do something about this I need to change my ways.
John Finch [23:17]
Well, it was it was very much a moment of I was so sick and tired of living this crazy life that I had created for myself. You know, I was a social alcoholic travelling all over the United States with an unlimited expense account. And it was just you know, the times of going into bars on by myself and just getting hammered drunk, and then seeing what next bar was open a little bit later, a couple more hours and kitchen a cab or kitchen arrived with some stranger over to that bar. I mean, it just it the the lifestyle was just had really beaten me down. And so it was in One of those moments I was just, I said, you know, I’ve got to look into this idea of a father wound. And this was an idea that a friend of mine had introduced me to buy a couple years previous and and yet I still kind of lived in denial. I was that guy who, I’m just gonna man up, I can, I could suck it up and figure this thing out on my own
David Ralph [24:20]
wins. So let me just jump in there, because so your friend realised you had an issue. When did he?
John Finch [24:27]
Yes, he had seen and we had talked several times as we were out on the golf course playing golf, and I just started sharing with him some of the real struggles and trials I was going through, and in the fact that become a social alcoholic, and all of those things and, and he turned to me and he said, You grew up without a father, didn’t you? And I said, Yeah. And then I went on to give him this great 10 minute explanation about how incredible my mom was. And as soon as I finished, he said, you know, but what she did, dad, and that’s the first time anybody had ever said that to me. And that’s the first time I had ever thought about growing up with just a mom. And the fact that that, that moms can’t teach boys how to be men. It’s just like I as a husband, I could not teach my girls how to be a woman. I just don’t know. I don’t have the tools. And so yeah, it was in. It was in one of those moments. And so I literally just finally decided I was going to go see a counsellor. And, you know, most of us as men, we don’t want to admit that right?
David Ralph [25:30]
No, absolutely. worse. Yeah. I can’t think of anything worse going to a counsellor.
John Finch [25:36]
Yeah, I’m not gonna go see anybody because I don’t want other people to think I’m some kind of jacked up crazy guy, right? And I told my wife, I said, Okay, don’t tell anybody. I’m going to see this guy at the top, because I just didn’t want anybody to know, right? But I’m a huge advocate of counselling. Because of what I went through. I went to see a guy and, and he kind of just walked me through the journey. He He asked me questions that I’d never thought to ask myself, you know, it’s like, it’s like me trying to do brain surgery on myself, it’s impossible. So for me to walk through this journey and really get to the other side of it, and find some healing, I needed to go talk to somebody that knew what they were talking about. And that could kind of guide me through it. So it was in literally one of those sessions that, that it was just, you know, the question of, how could I be so angry, resentful, and bitter towards my dad, when he didn’t know how to be a dad. And it literally was in one of those moments that, that I forgave my father and walked out of that office and, and, and really, it was a new man. I mean, it was literally because of that, that moment and the forgiveness that that finally just that whole bird was taken off my back.
David Ralph [26:51]
But let’s play some words now and then we will move into the second stage of the conversation is
Rocky Balboa [26:58]
You me or nobodys gotta hit as hard as life. But ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take it, keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.
David Ralph [27:15]
Now I was born those words hugely powerful because on a human level they work amazingly well for for most people really because we do have to overcome obstacles and challenges. And it’s through those obstacles and challenges that you really find out what you can achieve in life. Now, when you look back to that time, obviously you made the decision to go for help. But was it something that you look back now and you think, I can’t imagine how I was able to punish myself back much and get away with it, how I was allowing life to hit me before I finally started to win the game.
John Finch [27:55]
Sure, I look back now and many times and recall stories of things Things that I did in a drunken stupor, just, you know, just in in whatever manner or wherever I might drive by a bar that when I travelled, that I saw that I’d went into and did something stupid or crazy. So, I look back many, many times on that as a learning, you know, opportunity and very grateful and thankful that I’m out of that. But, you know, so much of the addiction of what I dealt with is what a lot of men, if you look at men and women, if you look at addiction centres or rehab facilities, I’ve been told by several counsellors that work there, that the majority of people that are in those facilities have some type of father issue, and there’s something either maybe they were molested, or they were abused in some way, or their dad just was never there and, and so there’s so many different ways and forms that that this father wing plays out. If you look at a lot of the societal issues that we have a lot of those related to this, this father would What? You know, if you talk about prison, I’ve had a prison chaplain Tell Me Before You said, john, every single man in here has a father wing. And that’s why they’re in here. They’re angry, they’re struggling. And so they’ve done something to either give attention to, they’re crying out there yelling, screaming, because they never had that affirmation there. They don’t have that security of having a father growing up. You look at teenage pregnancy, you know, teenage pregnancy and young girls, most the time, it’s because they didn’t have a father that was engaged and involved in their life. And, and so they’re going to go find love because they’re not getting it from their dad. They’re going to go find love somewhere. And in most the time that that relates to having sex with some young man,
David Ralph [29:52]
but he’s difficult isn’t it as a father because I’ve got four daughters and a son and they range from 30 For all the way down to 11. And so we’ve been through the teenage years, multiple times, and now our eldest three have now moved down and they’re married and getting their own lives. And with a father, I know, I’ve seen it time and time again with daughters, that they’re all over yet as like a rash when they’re little, and they are daddy’s girls. And then as a time when they’re probably about 11 onwards, that they start to move over to Mum, because mom understands that doesn’t understand you’re not a woman dead, and you kind of almost lose them somehow for that period. And then later, they start coming back to you. So it’s quite difficult to be there for these kids. When, especially with things like you know, iPads and tablets, it’s hard to take them away from them, you know, because they’ve got their interest elsewhere. How can a dad be there for them? When ultimately it’s up for the kids to reach out somehow? Or is that the wrong way of thinking about it?
John Finch [30:58]
No, no, I It’s just a matter of again, that awareness and purposeful intention. You know, my kids, they’re big textures. They’re not so, so much on talking on the phone. Yeah, so I’ve become a big texture. You know, I when I travel, I just text them literally every day just to check in Hey, how was your day, just so they see that I’m concerned and that I’m interested in their lives. So it’s just a simple, everyday text of Hey, how was your day even if it’s just in text and you never talked to them? You know, I have made a very conscious effort to still take my girls on dates. Even since they were a little bitty it’s a you know, it’s taking them to get ice cream, taking them taking them to dinner, and just one on one conversation and time with them. And we’ve never really broken that cycle of date night. So I still love to do that. And I think my girls have gotten so used to it. Where if there’s times where I’ve forgotten and I haven’t had a date night with was the one I’m in a couple of months. Say, Hey Dad, can we go have a date night? And so you know, it’s just letting them know that you care about them. And in whatever little or big way you can maybe it’s writing a note putting in their backpack for school or their lunchbox, you know, just saying, Hey, I love you, or I’m thinking about you today or have a great day. You know, there’s so many different ways that we can do that. But but it does go back to being very intentional. I mean, you have to, you have to wake up every day and say, Okay, how am I going to positively impact my kids today?
David Ralph [32:31]
So the film that you’ve created, we’re going to ask two questions, but first of all, have all your family watched it?
John Finch [32:40]
You know, they on the full length film, they have not matter of fact, we just finished it just a couple of months ago, the 60 minute film, so I’ve got plans for my mom and two brothers. For us all watch it here. Pretty soon. They did all watch the 15 minute film The short film that we made before I launched it, before we released it, they did watch. What’s interesting about that, David is, is that the first time we had talked about my dad’s death, and that had been over 30 years ago. It was it’s one of those weird things where it’s just, it’s just something you never talked about. As a whole family. I had talked to my mom about it, my brother about it here and there and in individual conversations, but as a family, we had never talked about it until that moment. That’s been a couple of years ago. And it was fascinating to hear everybody share their own thoughts about that day and what happened. So yeah, the full length I hope to get together with my mom and two brothers here before too long and and watch it and have a conversation. Maybe about it.
David Ralph [33:48]
So has there been an elephant in the room or is it just a sort of invisible elephant? And people wanted to talk about it. Do you think
John Finch [33:58]
you know, it’s interesting, I I don’t know, I’ve never thought that it was an elephant in the room. Because again, I talked to each one of them individually. But when we were all together, it was just something I never thought about. You know, it never came up and we just we, we never talked about it. I think, you know, as, as in most cases, we were just moved on with life. And it had been so very long. You know, the longer we got away from the from that day, the easier it was to deal with it. And the less we talked about it.
David Ralph [34:28]
Well, life heals, doesn’t it?
John Finch [34:31]
Absolutely. Yeah, it does. And that that time, time I think has has a way of healing to
David Ralph [34:37]
one day wonderful thing life, isn’t it no matter how bad it is, and we see this on Join Up Dots every single day. But the true gift in lives, and more often than not the horrible nasty stuff. But at a time you think Oh god, this is terrible. Why is it happening to me? I’m a nice person. I don’t deserve all this. But you get far enough away from it. And then you think, wow, I couldn’t be here. Now. Without that. It happens time and time. Time and time again, the but don’t become white dots. When you’re far enough away from the black dots, it’s fascinating john,
John Finch [35:08]
it is, you know, it’s it’s in those struggles that that we become much, much stronger. And it’s in those life experiences that, you know, they make us and mould us into into who we are. So I truly believe that, you know, that things happen for a reason. And and that those things, whether good or bad, you know, they make us better and stronger people.
David Ralph [35:29]
So when you got the idea of obviously you changed your life and things started to go well for you. Were you a film producer by trade? How did you then create this? This really powerful thing? And I’ve watched a 60 minute thing, and it really is, I don’t think I’d want to watch it twice. Because as I say, it didn’t sit comfortably with me for many different reasons, but it’s a masterful piece of work. So how did you come up with the idea and then gain funding for it? over other difficulties, but stop so many other films in its tracks.
John Finch [36:05]
Well, I was not a filmmaker. I literally didn’t have a clue what I was doing. But as a man I had, we were trying to get the message out there. And I’m not a big writer. I’m not a big reader of books. And it just hit me one day, I was like, You know what, we’ve got to make a film because as a man, I would much rather sit and watch it, watch TV or watch a movie than I would read a book. So that’s kind of what just started and I had a couple of people just encouraged me and say, Hey, here’s what you need to look at. Go get you good camera, pay attention to your lighting and your audio. And believe me, I I messed up and ruined a lot of footage, because of my audio or lighting was all for whatever the case is. So I literally just got out there and started talking to people. And literally the film just kind of came together as I worked for a couple of years. Just piecing it together. We did a couple of fundraisers on some crowds Funding platforms. But the majority is what we personally put into the film. We put a lot of money into the film and getting it created and finished. And we’ve been very, very blessed to to have a lot of different groups interested. And Matter of fact, we hope to have some type of net distribution agreement are signed here before too awfully long. So we’ve we’ve got a lot of interest and it’s been it’s been a heck of a ride, that’s for sure.
David Ralph [37:28]
It fascinates me. But it’s because I didn’t grasp the fact that it was all your work. I thought that you was the brains behind the operation, not the person actually pointing the camera and doing all of that. Now, there must have been times when you thought this, this is going to go badly wrong. You know, I’ve got no idea what I’m doing here. I don’t even know which way to point the camera. How did you push through that? Because that’s a game changer. Isn’t it about those moments in your life when you really feel out of your control?
John Finch [37:57]
You know, I think it played to my benefit that I didn’t know what the rules were in filmmaking. So I didn’t really care. No, I was just like, Hey, I’m gonna go make this movie in a way that I think it should be made and the way the story should be told. So I’ve got a little bit of a creative background, I’ve just this I’ve self taught, and graphics programmes and various things, and I learned how to edit film. I just, I learned it on my own. And, and so, you know, it was just a combination of things really coming together. And we had some doors open up that it allowed us to interview some pretty high profile people, I guess I mentioned earlier, a couple of best selling authors and, and people of that nature. So it was it was daunting at times. You know, and I think today still is there still, the days that I go, wow, you know, how did we get that done? how did how do we get that shot, and so it was very, very interesting the three minute reenactment of the day my dead You know, killing himself. Now we did work with another group that helped us shoot that. And, and they helped us get that done originally. And we were using that kind of as a step to get some money raised for the full length. So, so they did help us in getting that shot, but the rest of it, essentially, we kind of all i personally edited and put together and kind of put it all in place.
David Ralph [39:25]
And do you see this being one of a series? Is it is there such a thing as the mother wound? I suppose there is really
John Finch [39:34]
there is Yeah, as a matter of fact, with the film, we had many reach out to us and say, Hey, what about the mother when you know that the because they grew up with the same type of issue except with their mom. So yeah, it’s, you know, there’s I we are looking to make it a series there’s so much in in the film, and there’s so many messages that fathers need to hear as I again, you know, there were so Something in every conversation I had, that I was learning how to be a better dad. And so the biggest part and hardest part in editing the film was, was deciding what to leave out. Because there’s just so much good information that, that I learned it was one of those situations where I was like, man, other men need to hear this, you know, this is this is really helpful, insightful information. So we are looking at making a father effect to and kind of using that same name and really dialling in to how the struggles and trials of raising young girls in today’s society you know, in a in a world where they get their value in the number of likes on Instagram, in a world that’s very sexualized, you know, where they’re just seeing sex everywhere, and it’s such a much younger age than than what it was when we were growing up, you know, and, and so, we’re going to really look into that and possibly dive into that field. Next And kind of help dads never gate, how they can raise their daughters and things of that nature.
David Ralph [41:06]
It does make you wonder what it’s going to be like in another 20 years or so because I remember my my life growing up in the 70s. And we didn’t know anything about sort of sex education and stuff. I remember being taken to see a film. And it was Labrador dogs going at it, there was no sort of knowledge at all, you know. And then my son was about four. Now he was earlier than that about three. And I used to put these Disney films on. And he said to me, one day, Oh, Daddy, that film has had the F word in it. And after a while, he doesn’t know what the f word is. He’s only three and so I said to him, you know, what is the F word? He said, No, I can’t say it’s bad. I said, Well, you can say this one time and I thought he was gonna say frog or France. And he went, boom, and he said it and I thought, oh my god, you only free and you you already know that. That’s a swear word and stuff. It’s gonna be an eye opener, isn’t it but the next year innovation of debt. Or maybe it’s gonna be easier maybe from the 70s onwards. It was a slower pace maybe with the rapid progress of social media and interactivity and Facebooking and then Snapchat in and all these different things maybe it’s harder for our generation is going to be easier for the ones because they’ve kind of grown up with it. What do you think, john?
John Finch [42:25]
You know, it’s interesting. I think there’s there’s so many good things about social media and technology, but there’s there’s a lot of bad things too, you know. So I think it’s it it’s yet to be no that the thing I worry about and we hear many, many times from from various people is the perfect example is pornography. You know, we were growing up you had to really go search for your, your dad stash of magazines, right.
David Ralph [42:52]
Local words, local words, you might find a few pages floating around.
John Finch [42:56]
Yeah, you really had to go hot and that Any any boy that’s got a cell phone has got instant access to pornography, because of the Internet, and because of Twitter and Facebook and all those social media sites, so, you know, it’s things of that nature and, and I mentioned I bring that up because that’s a repetitive thing that’s come up over and over and over again with various people is such a such an incredible epidemic that nobody talks about. I mean, you got really young kids now becoming addicted to pornography, because of the access to it. And so it’s become, it’s become a big deal. And it’s playing out in a lot of people’s lives in very, very tragic way. So I don’t know how it’s all gonna play out in the end. I do love technology and what it brings to, to the world and communication, all the various things that you can do to it. But I just think we’ve all got to be very, very careful. Because it can also be very, very damaging to
David Ralph [43:55]
Well, let’s play some words now from the late legend, the apple guy who could To the whole theme of this show, is Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [44:03]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [44:38]
So listening to those words, they reflect your own life. Have you only got here because you can join up your dots.
John Finch [44:47]
You know, I think they have a what’s interesting is when I started this film I always knew and I told my wife this early on. When I first started making the film, I always knew there was something The I was going to be used for that there was something and it was just one of those deals. Even as a young kid with all the tragedy, I never know it was this, but I always had this inkling that something was going to come out of my life. And, and you know, as little as it is, and we’ve been again, I’m very thankful for, for the way that short film has been used. And we’ve almost got a million views on all of our various platforms with the short film and with all the interview clips and everything we’ve released. And so you know, that and even the little way that that I’ve been able to be a part of it, I knew there was something that was going to happen, that was going to be able to use be to be able to be used for good and to really have an impact on people and we’ve we still get emails pretty frequently about how the short film has has really impacted people and and how it’s even changed live in some instances for fathers and helping them become more aware and become better fathers because of that. Because of the film so I had it’s helped connect the dots for sure.
David Ralph [46:04]
It’s gonna be fascinating to see how you develop and progress because you obviously started from such a low point emotionally physically. But now you’ve got that that belief as well you’ve seen that your creation is being well received and being embraced across the world and once you get that belief, then it just built inside you and you tackle bigger and bigger challenges. It’s gonna be amazing to see how your life pans out hopefully you will be part of it. And in another 10 years or another five years we can get you back on Join Up Dots and see what the you become the Spielberg or family relationship.
John Finch [46:44]
That would be nice. As you know, no, you never know. But yeah, I agree. It’s it’s exciting and it’s just really, really fun time right now. seeing what’s gonna be next and seeing all the opportunity. He’s and kind of how everything plays out but I thoroughly enjoy doing that. I’m doing and just trying to encourage dads and, and again learning myself still, how to be a father. They’re just trying to share their stories.
David Ralph [47:07]
So just before we send you back in time on the Sermon on the mic, how can people find your film as quickly as possible but but who are listening to this podcast and now want to reach out and actually watch it?
John Finch [47:20]
They can actually go to the Father effect.com, our website, and we’ve also got a YouTube channel we’ve released about 80 clips, various interview clips, and that’s the father effect movie. You just go to YouTube and search the father effect movie. And then of course, we’re on social media to with ad the father effect on Twitter and the father effect movie on Facebook. Right. Okay, so
David Ralph [47:43]
everybody Vasia sort of information where to go and we will repeat that at the end of the show. But this is the part that we called a sermon on the mic when we send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time and speak to the young john, what age would you choose and what advice would you give where we’re going Find out because we’re gonna play the theme. And when it fades you up. This is the Sermon on the mind.
Unknown Speaker [48:13]
With the best bit of the show,
John Finch [48:32]
I think I would I would pick the age of maybe early 20s where I would, I would tell my younger self, don’t take life so seriously, stop and enjoy the moments of life and joy, just the simple things. As a young man as a young parent, I think I would definitely tell myself to just thoroughly enjoy the times with your kids, because there’s so much Have what seems like a fog or a haze, as a young father and get caught up with with all the craziness of the world, but I would definitely tell the young father in me to just thoroughly enjoy the times with my kids at every stage, whether it be baby toddler as they grow up just to just to spend time and just just enjoy the moments, the precious moments that we have with our kids. And, and again, don’t take life. So quite so seriously enjoy.
David Ralph [49:31]
Great stuff. So let’s go through it again. So what’s the number one best way that our audience can connect with you, john?
John Finch [49:39]
on our website, the father effect calm, and my email is actually john at the Father effect.com so they can shoot me an email there.
David Ralph [49:48]
I have over links on the show notes. Mr. Finch, thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots and please come back again, when you have more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and can Our pass is the best way to build our futures. Mr. Finch, thank you so much.
John Finch [50:06]
Thank you David. Great Great being here and thanks for having me.
David Ralph [50:12]
So did that show make you think about your own life your own relationships with your Farber? Do you have a father in your life? Was he great? Are you like me when you look at it and think, I don’t think I have a father wound at all? Maybe I do. I don’t know. I’m gonna have to spend more time thinking about myself and thinking about my relationship with my father because it was an eye opener to me about 110 out of 10 people have some kind of issue. Now, if you’ve got any other stories that you want to bring on the show doors that you want to bring on the show, please let us know you can send an email to either Join Up firstname.lastname@example.org or connect, Join Up email@example.com tell us the person tell us why you think they should be on the show. And while it would make a great guest and we will work hard to get it so thank you so much for listening. And we will be back on episode 571.
Cheers Bye. Are you tired of the same routine the nine to five the mundane? Or perhaps have lost touch with the dreams and passions that led to a life that’s a wow and simply don’t know where to start, then Join Up Dots has the answer. Dream starter Academy is the number one group mastermind online today showing our members how to create their own business lifestyle or dream job teaching you how to find your thing teaching you how to build income around your passions and giving you a life where you leap out of bed with a set of up.
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