Sami Wunder: The Modern Diva’s Love Coach

Sami’s six-step process to find love, which has seen the dating coach be responsible for 145 engagements in the past three years, allows her clients to change their beliefs, by her belief that as she says ‘I don´t believe in rules in dating.

I believe that coming from the energy of confidence and clarity is way more powerful for love success for my clients than following any rules. 

You can also check our extensive podcast archive by clicking here – enjoy

Audio Transcription Of Sami Wunder Interview

David Ralph [0:01]
Once upon a time, there was a guy with a dream, a dream to teach jobs for himself online and have a kick ass life working when he wanted him where he wanted across the world. Little did he know that dream would lead him into a world of struggle, burnout and debt, until he found the magic ingredient and nose struggles became a thing of the past. Of course, what’s bad person? And now My dream is to make things happen to you. Welcome to Join Up Dots.

Intro [0:31]
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be but somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK, David Ralph.

David Ralph [0:55]
Yes, hello. Well, good morning to you and thank you once again for Here on the Join Up Dots podcast and thank you to our guest who as this is basically the third time very first time, child was ill, and so we rescheduled and then the second time she was ill, but this time she sounds fit. She sounds wonderful, and I’m sure she’s going to deliver because she’s an internationally recognised dating and relationship expert, who specialises in working with high achieving women leaders and entrepreneurs to attract their dream man and create a deeply intimate and deeply connected relationship. Now in the last four years, over 150 of our clients have found their happily ever after using her method of soulmate attraction and countless marriages and relationships have been saved and reconnected. Her clients include a Hollywood celebrity, UK TV star CEOs leading entrepreneurs, and influencers and she’s been hailed as the get the ring coach by the BBC Radio London and the Daily Mail and our work has been picked up by Time magazine format. And many other publications of global renown. Now it’s just one of our clients reveals she literally has changed my life. Her work goes beyond surface level tactics or strategies to attract men, but to deep heart centred teachings, where you build on your relationship with yourself and learn how to become an attraction magnet to not only men know not only men, but to everyone, dogs, cats, whatever you want, they will be attracted to you. Now she connects you to your true self where you learn the skills of feminine energy and how to break through the blocks that are stopping you from reaching your romantic love dreams have six step process to find love, which is seeing the dating coach be responsible for 145 engagements in just the past three years, allows her clients to change their beliefs by her belief, but as she says, I don’t believe in the rules in dating. I believe that coming from the energy of competence and clarity is way more power before for love success for my clients. Then following any rules. He’s based in Europe, and runs a heart centred seven figure company where she’s blissfully married to the love of her life. And they have one son. So why is it that so many people have such a hard time to find the love that they want nowadays? And what’s this business the first one she started, or did you stumble into it? Like so many people when previous incarnations didn’t quite work? Well, let’s find out as we bring on to the show to start joining up with the one and only Sami Wunder. Morning Sami, how are you?

Sami Wunder [3:34]
Hey, David, what an introduction. Thank you.

David Ralph [3:37]
It’s a delight to have you here You are my favourite all time dating coach. I’m not sure if I’ve spoken to another dating coach, but you are now my number one now. So I’m gonna get straight into this semi I’m gonna get straight into this. Now, as I’m reading that, and a lot of it seems to me to be obvious. It seems to be very If you are confident in yourself and you’re comfortable in your own skin, you naturally attract other people. That’s just sort of obvious stuff, isn’t it?

Sami Wunder [4:10]
Yes, absolutely. And common sense is not very common. And so you wouldn’t believe the number of people who are out there trying to be someone there now, and trying to attract love by being someone who they’re not. So my job is i think it’s it’s interesting to describe it as confidence on the outside but i what i really work on is with the insights and what I work with is, you know, you being your authentic self, are you a people pleaser? Do you have strong boundaries? And of course, I put all of that generic stuff into a very specific context, which is your love life? How do men respond to a woman who is in the game to please them? What happens inside of man when he meets a woman who is a yes woman and who is all about him. And so in doing that, I married the principles of energy, which is confidence, Authenticity, plus the principles of attraction, which is energy polarity in relationships, the masculine and the feminine and how that goes together the marriage of the two, to create a fantastic, amazing relationship.

David Ralph [5:25]
Now, I have been married for probably 600 years, it seems like a long time. I couldn’t imagine going back into the dating game nowadays it was and I always say to my wife, one of the things that I don’t like or I wouldn’t want to do is listen to people’s boring stories. Again, you know, when you first meet somebody, and you’re finding your way through and you know, a lot of it’s interesting and a lot of it’s not interesting. Nowadays, I would imagine so much of it is just ploughing through through sort of madness to get to the This one he said,

Sami Wunder [6:02]
I think a lot of women and I’m and I work with women, a lot of women would say yes to that. But I think it’s really about knowing what you want and not settling for anything less. So I would tell typically tell my clients that if a conversation feels off for more than 20 minutes and you don’t feel that there’s a spark and you don’t feel like there’s any value addition happening, you don’t have to sit there you don’t have to, you know, keep yourself obligated because someone else is paying for your dream. And I think that is what authenticity looks like. I think

David Ralph [6:33]
just jumping into that Sammy, how do you get out some of these just bought you a drink and you’re gonna feel it they even if they are really boring and they’re sitting there picking their nose and stuff and you think this isn’t gonna work. You still gonna sit there on you

Sami Wunder [6:48]
know, I’m a I’m a diva and my clients are divas and I truly believe that you can be honest and you can respect yourself while respecting another person. So you know, I would probably make an excuse Have a look at my phone and I would say, you know, someone just called and this has been wonderful. And thank you so much for the drink. And I would leave and I would enter myself like that. Yeah, I don’t know that sounds controversial to you. I don’t know if it sounds like that being a bitch to you. But that’s what self honouring looks like. And I don’t believe that I am just doing this for me. I think I’m actually honouring them as well, because I think there’s nothing more dishonest than sitting there and feeling like you can’t tolerate the person in front of you and still playing the game with them. Because not only does it is that you’re being dishonest, it’s also wasted their time.

David Ralph [7:38]
Now what about if you walk in and you instantly don’t like the look of the person? Is he acceptable to go now actually, there’s no way that person’s coming anywhere near me. And and just sort of turn around and walk out or should you go up to them and say, Hello, I’m supposed to be meeting you but I don’t really like the way you look and I’m on my way

Sami Wunder [8:01]
Okay, that’s that’s a great question. Um, firstly, that can only happen in a blind date. But I think it does happen sometimes. But on the online dating profiles, people are 10 k cheese lighter, and then when you see them, they are not. And I think in that case, I would still be curious, because I’m someone who I’m also, you know, feeling the physical attraction towards someone you’re dating. But I do believe that people extend beyond that. And so my initial instinct would be okay, you know, not really an eight on 10 on my attraction scale. But I’m still curious. I’m still curious about the soul behind it. I’m still curious about your stories. I’m still curious about whether or not you have substance because in my world, that counts as well. Not just how you look. And for all you know, you may surprise me, you know, I may I have been in situations where I haven’t I’ve been awfully attracted to a man. And maybe he’s as tall as I am or not that big, which is how I like it. You know, my husband is six feet two inches tall, and I like that. But I’ve met some incredibly wonderful men who didn’t grade that high on the attraction scale. And they were still wonderful to talk wonderful human beings. And so I have, I’ve had some wonderful conversations with these people. So no, I wouldn’t walk out. Based on my first impression, I would give it a try.

David Ralph [9:27]
Now, does this work differently to mentor women? Because we all remember the old When Harry Met Sally Field, where the whole premise was that men can’t be friends with somebody they find attractive, they will ultimately want to get them into bed? Does it work differently from men to women?

Sami Wunder [9:48]
I would say yes, I think it’s, I think you’re a man yourself. You can tell me I don’t think you would want to date a woman that you’re not physically attracted to. So I think when we look at the biology of men woman you know, man is firstly visual, yes person who’s looking for that physical attraction. And woman by biology. In the science of attraction, you know, we’re looking for we’re looking for safety. We’re looking for, you know, feeling emotionally safe feeling physically safe. Of course, we’re also looking for physical attraction. And we’re also looking for intellectual stimulation. But those are not the driving points. We’re talking about the driving points here. So yes, if a man doesn’t find a woman attractive, I think he’s going to walk, he’s not going to do it. And that’s fine. That’s honest. But for women, you know, I think it’s not just about marrying a handsome attracted men who treats you like shit. So this is about a combination of things coming together. And that’s how I train my clients because I have to confess I work with very strong and successful women. And for them, a lot of the times what drives their decisions and dating is chemistry. Like they look at someone and they’re like wow, you know, I I’d like to kiss that those lips and I’d like to be in those arms and that kind of chemistry renewed first impression decision can often lead you to men who may not be the right partners for you, you know who don’t treat you that well who don’t respect your boundaries. And there may be a lot of chemistry and you know, fun there, but it’s not offering you the holistic package that long term relationship needs to offer you.

David Ralph [11:31]
If you go back in time, Sammy wonder if you go back in time when I first met my wife, I didn’t like her and she tells everyone when they go you know when when did you first meet our we met We met at work, but he didn’t like me. He didn’t want me and I didn’t. I didn’t like her. I didn’t there wasn’t a connection at all. But now we’ve been married. As I say for 700 years we’ve got grandchildren and stuff. How does that work as well then where when something just creeps up on you? Does this Go for stronger roots. I think that’s what I’m trying to think, does it give you stronger roots when you’re not trying to force it, it just naturally occurs?

Sami Wunder [12:09]
Absolutely. And I think this is what I also teach in my feminine energy work, like how not to push for an outcome, how not to push their connection, because it’s either there or it’s not there. And there’s nothing you have to do or make it happen. Generally, you don’t have to try so hard for it. And I think relationships that develop organically when no one is pushing for an outcome, you know, where people are just, you know, being with each other, and trusting themselves and trusting where they are at the start and how things proceed. I think those are the best kind of relationships. So they do not have the initial charge and the initial projection that you know first impressions give us you know, he’s hot. A lot of women project on man, you know, how would it be to be married to him or would it be to have kids with them and I think that just loads a lot of burden and pressure on the relationship. And we are not able to see people for who they truly are. But we start to project them on them and we start to see them as we’d like to see them. And then we often miss the red flags, we miss the yellow flags, we miss the alert. And so anything that develops organically and over time I teach my clients to face men, I say, you know, don’t go in too quickly, too strong. Take your time. No, take your time, that intimate with someone. That is the only way you can have true intimacy. And see, I think it’s very beautiful that you in your life have this little story where you end up getting married and have grandchildren. And you’ve been sniper of the first goal, because it tells me that you know, relationships evolve. Over time intimacy builds over time, and if we can get to know people for who they truly are only over time, and that’s I think what happened in your case, you started to like her more When you saw more of her, yeah, and that is not something that is possible. On date one, day two, day three, it just takes time. Real intimacy is not intensity based. And I think a lot of people today chase men women both you know we chase intensity we chase you know, day one, day two, day three day four cookie quickly let’s get into the bed Let’s sleep together. And that that gives you that initial high that gives you that initial sense of wow you know, I think I found my one. But the truth is you don’t really know this person and there is no bond there is no deeper emotional connection happening there. It’s just intensity and intensity is not supposed to be confused with intimacy which is the getting to know of someone with their warts and all imperfections included. So she has a really ugly birthmark, you know, on her bum. You know, those Things you can only you can only get to know them over time. And you’ve got to give it time to evolve. And I think this whole rush culture and chemistry based intensity based choosing for a lot of which is what, which is the epidemic today like it’s an epidemic, the number of amazing gorgeous single women that come to me. It’s an epidemic. They’re all choosing based on chemistry and intensity, and then they’re all getting their hearts broken and they’re disappointed because there hasn’t been a buildup of true intimacy and emotional attraction with the men. And unless you really seen you know, I always tell my clients if someone’s looking to perfect or feeling too perfect, watch out because we’re not your net and he is not. And so chemistry and intensity and quick attaching. They all have those, you know, the doctor mean the excitement, that all just gives you that initial hit, and then you really fall flat on your face because then the imperfections come up. You know, real life comes up and you see like who this person is when they get angry, and how they start to scream and shout and lose their temper how they become insulting. But these are not things you can know. So quickly. You can only know these things over time. And that’s why you have to base the relationship and you have to get to know people over time.

David Ralph [16:19]
Now, if I go back into my life again, I remember the moment I as I said, I already referenced that I didn’t like my wife. And then I worked with her for maybe about two years. And it never dawned on me during that period that I was actually falling for her in any shape or form. It was just, she was just a friend about I was working with. And then I had a dinner, a birthday dinner, I think it was my 21st and I had a girlfriend and she was sitting on one side and my wife now was sitting on the other side, and I suddenly realised I didn’t like my girlfriend anymore. And I liked this other person, and it knocked me on my heels. I really couldn’t understand how it occurred. Now, I couldn’t imagine going out with somebody else. I couldn’t imagine that there’s so much about a relationship, that the imperfections become the thing that you love about the most. But it would just be strange, just all those little things that somebody does on a daily basis that you go. That used to really piss me off. But now I kind of like that, you know that, that that’s her thing. That’s Is it easier to find the love that you’re talking about when you haven’t had a previous version of it already?

Sami Wunder [17:37]
would say so. I think those events who are lucky enough to meet our one meet our soulmates and that’s you and me included early on in life, I think. Yeah, I think it’s just so much easier also because we we are pretty baggage free early on. Right so like, it’s not like we’ve had many bad experiences we’ve not like we don’t hate men. You don’t hate Women. So I think when we’re younger, it’s just so much easier to like follow your heart and find the one. As you get older, I think there’s two parts to this. The one is what you just spoke about, you know, you just get so comfortable with being with the one you love that imagining life without them or imagining, you know, hopping, hopping in terms of partners, you know, it just, it’s just just unimaginable. So I think there’s that comfort factor and I I’m just 30 years old, but I already feel that with my husband, like, he’s the best thing on the planet, and no matter how attractive multi millionaire man is standing in front of me, like it would be very hard to shake, the love that I feel for my husband and I think it has everything to do with the deep emotional attraction and the deep emotional connection reshare and I think thought number two would be as you get older You know, you’ve just, you’ve just also had a lot of baggage. So I’m not talking about us we’re lucky. But for those people for whom things did not work out, or you know, they maybe got divorced and they started again got divorced again, been through a couple of relationships. I think it can just be so much emotional baggage then then starts to come in the way of finding a healthy partner again, you know, you’re jaded or disgruntled you get the opposite sex. Yeah, so then there I believe you just just need much more mindset work and much more understanding or, you know, healing work, you need to you know, heal your heart before you can let someone else and

David Ralph [19:42]
I’ll tell you what, it would be weird every single part of it. I’m not gonna go this I mean, I’m not gonna go over my life. And and one of the things that would frighten me is that intensity of energy. You know, I quite like going to bed about our past nine at night. I you know, I Having sexy time, but I don’t want it to go on for 15 hours like it used to when you were younger. You know, just just do what you need to do and then leave me to go to sleep, you know that there’ll be too much energy being given out now when

Sami Wunder [20:14]
I totally agree and i think

i think you know what my husband said to me when he married me and he proposed to me pretty fast. So he proposed to me within nine months, and he said to me, we’re just we were just 2526 not not being exact, but he said to me, like, I’ve already seen enough of what’s out there. Yeah, I don’t I don’t want more of it. Like, I am very happy to have you know, my, my stable happy life. A stable happy woman to turn to that, you know, I can call my my love. And I don’t need I don’t need all that sexiness and I don’t need all that dancing in the clubs looking for someone for eight hours dancing in Berlin. Like I’ve been I’ve done that, and I don’t want any more of it. And it’s the same. It’s the same feeling I have, like, I am just so, so grateful for the life I have and I wouldn’t choose, you know, being single or, you know, going looking partner hunting and doing online dating over this any day. You know, I have to confess on some days, you know, when my clients tell me how wonderfully some of their dates treat them, like, it’s time to give Chris a poke and a nudge, you know, like, Hey, you know, I also need my date nights. But apart from that, there’s nothing about that single life that I miss, and that’s why I am a love coach. That’s why I help women have that that deep love and emotional connection and safety. You know, I I truly believe that it enhances our overlap, overall life experience and our joy by like a factor. Couldn’t be you know, it’s just so good and so fun sharing your life with someone You don’t knowing what to expect feeling safe. And also getting bored together. I mean, that’s part of it. You know, sometimes person is already tired at the end of the day, and Aaron has been throwing a tantrum or he’s been sick. And then we just really glad to, you know, be two people who can come together and who don’t have this pressure to perform, and this pressure to entertain each other, you know, we can just be tired and we can go to bed and we can still be in love and still be happy and satisfied. And I think that’s priceless to have.

David Ralph [22:29]
Now, the other thing that is quite a contentious statement to me, but it’s true as well, if there’s no getting away from it, that when a lady birth takes an interest in a guy, she will take a lot of interest in her own performance and our own appearance, I suppose. Now my wife basically I haven’t seen her in anything other than a dressing gown and pyjamas for about 32 years. You know, I’m looking at a picture of you and you look very glamorous. You look me Beautiful as Chris get back, or does he get the pyjamas and slippers and the dressing gown person every single day?

Sami Wunder [23:09]
By the way, I look as beautiful in my pyjamas in my dressing. But he, he does get to have both. And I think it’s not for him, it’s for me. So again, this is something I would teach my married clients. So I don’t just work with senior women, we also support women who are in marriages and women and relationships. And I think this isn’t so much about the men, you know what we bring to the table for the men? I think it’s never about the men. I think it’s about the seriousness with which you treat your own self and with which you treat your own body. So for me, I I love it. I enjoy it, that I look good. And I think it’s something that I do for me. I don’t do it for my husband, my husband gets to enjoy it. That’s good for fun. But I think the ultimate motivation there is not for him. It’s for me because, I mean, I honestly have days where I’ve been changing diapers and I’m looking like a wreck and my head is all up but my hair is all upside up and I don’t feel my best. I don’t feel my best and then what I need to do to feel my best is actually to put on a white dress and put on a red lipstick, even if it means just being in my office and having clients sessions. I think it’s something I do for me because it’s part of me honouring the woman in me. And I feel great when I honour that woman me and I think women me, loves attention. She loves self care. She loves it when I look after myself. So I think this is not for our men. This is us being there for ourselves. And this is self love. And this must not go away. Because a man is never the source of love. In our lives, you know, we are the source of love in our lives. And he’s the cherry on the cake, you know, my husband’s kisses and my husband’s affection and my husband’s doting on me. It’s all very nice, but I don’t rely on it to start by, like, that’s not my source of validation in my life. My source of validation is the love that I feel for myself and have for myself, and then His love is a cherry on the cake. You know, I am the centre of my universe, and he loves it. And I think one of the ways I tend to be I make a make myself the centre of my own universe is by you looking really well, often myself. And this goes beyond dressing. Well, I have to say, I think this goes, this goes into self care. This goes into eating fried directs, decides named and I know it can be hard, you know, I have a lot of respect for women who, you know, who try to do so much at home and you know, we have children and we have our jobs. So I have respect. I know it’s so easy to stay But it’s much harder and implementation. But that is something we all ourselves that is some days where we cannot let go it is so important to look after yourself to feel good and to treat yourself like a queen because that’s when your mother treats you like a queen.

David Ralph [26:16]
And that doesn’t work the same for me. I’m just thinking of all the men that I know that basically sit on the sofa in their underpants watching the TV scratching their balls every now and again but does that it should they be taking more care of their appearance as well? I know you’re gonna say yes I should. But that does it work the same way because as you say men, men, we like to see pretty things but do do we mean or do you just feel comfortable going? Easy these pants and he still looking after me?

Sami Wunder [26:50]
No, I’m sorry. But if my husband stomach sticks out, he knows it’s time to go back to the gym. I think again, this is this is this is You see, when we were speaking about men being visual, we were in the very first stages of dating you know, that’s an evaluation process but now in marriage and being in a committed relationship, you know, you you both on each other, the best version of yourselves, and it cannot be a one way street. And I don’t think the rules get relaxed for men either because it’s not fair to think that the woman is expected to you know, keep a good upkeep and you know, stay slim and look great. But the man is not and I mean, honestly, if I’m to be very honest, I think for smart successful women, you know, who who are who are quite self sufficient, you know, they would just naturally lose attraction. And by attraction, I don’t mean just the physical attraction. I think you start to lose respect for people who don’t take themselves seriously who don’t look after themselves. You know, if you’re someone who just you know, it’s french fries all the time and your tummy is like sticking out. It’s unhealthy. It’s telling me you don’t value yourself. I think at a very deep level when you work on yourself work and you said right at the start, you know, how is this different you know, being confident and loving yourself, you know, this is how it plays into the game of attraction. Like if you’re a woman who really values herself and who really steps up and puts forward her best foot and plays her best game, you will choose a partner that brings the same value addition to the table and the rules don’t relax by either party.

David Ralph [28:25]
Now I’m going to say something to you and this I say this to my son, right? Okay, so I have got the ring coach in front of me, but I always say to him, don’t go for it girlfriend, girlfriend that is too beautiful because the beauty balances out with mental she she’s she’s she’s looking after herself too much. She’s also mental just go for somebody who’s nice and uncomfortable and and you know, is that wrong as well? I know you’re going to say is wrong. I don’t know why I’ve even said it. But I believe I believe it’s true that Hi, the maintenance of a woman, the more mental they are.

Sami Wunder [29:06]
Well, I’m sure you must have had some experiences to drive

David Ralph [29:10]
that experience. Everyone’s experience.

Sami Wunder [29:15]
I don’t know. I mean, you said I look beautiful and glamorous. I don’t think I give my husband a hard time and I don’t think I’m mental. I think I’m a very balanced and very safe and very emotionally mature woman to be with. Having said that, I think what you’re trying to say here is not is not to choose exclusively on beauty, which I feel is a very sound advice to give. I think. I think there is so much more to the to the book than its cover. And it’s it’s true that young men and women, you know, it’s not just true for men. It’s also true for women, you know, we can fall for the initial attraction and how good someone looks. But there’s so much more that goes into creating a long lasting partnership. So I think the advice you’re giving your son is absolutely spot on. I don’t think A woman needs to be mental because she’s gorgeous. I think that’s, I think that’s Yeah, that’s that’s coming somewhere from a wounded belief. But I do believe that looking at the whole package and making sure there’s comfort this this substance, there’s there’s confidence, there’s emotional maturity, and then heiling, a drama queen and you know, just

resting to her dankmemes is not the recipe for a happy married life. No matter how good looking she is.

David Ralph [30:30]
Let’s play some words. Now let’s spin this conversation away from what you do and how you did it is Jim Carrey.

Jim Carrey [30:37]
My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. And when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.

David Ralph [31:04]
Now, I’ve been playing back clip literally on every episode since the beginning of Join Up Dots because I think it’s such a powerful statement to me. But it also seems true to me. But most people only find the business by love by doing stuff that turns out to be wrong or wasn’t quite on track, whatever. Is that true with you? Or did you just go straight into this? And it was a home run straight away?

Sami Wunder [31:30]
No, it wasn’t. So I was. I am. I wasn’t. I am a trained economist. I have a Master’s in Public Policy and I was working for the United Nations as a consultant. And what happened with me was and how I ended up being enough coaches. You know, two factors came together. For me. I think one was me being unsatisfied with my current job. So, you know, I still remember sitting without taking names sitting at the desk of this Oracle. ization and writing a huge big report on social protection in Africa and hoping and praying that one day maybe I am going to be able to see the direct impact of what I’m doing in 10 years or five years of my work. And so there was this like this constant feeling like wow, like, Is there more to life? Like, is there more that I can give? Is there more that I can do in the world? Because this stuff just doesn’t feel satisfying. And then it was it was a reputable organisation to work for it paid my bills, I was well paid. It used the educational degrees I had. But something was missing. The soul was hungry for more and the soul said there is more. And I just didn’t know what that look like. So I know what more look like I just knew that there was something more so I think that was a The starting point the frustration, the dissatisfaction with where you are. And I think it takes a lot of courage to own that to yourself because I think a lot of people would simply drown those kind of voices and thoughts like, Oh, come on, you know, be happy you you pay your bills, you work for a big No, like you should just be happy. And so I think it took a lot of courage for me to say, No, you know what, I’m not happy and I need to do something about it. What I’m going to do about it, I don’t know, the path isn’t clear. But it’s clear to me that life cannot live this way. There’s just so much more to life than you know, coming into an office at nine and going back and six and feeling completely brain fried, and not knowing what you know how you added value to the world today.

David Ralph [33:49]
You you are bringing value to the world obviously doing what you’re doing, but there’s that big bleep of Who am I? Who am I to actually teach people how to get the Mmm, I had to do this. Did you have to walk that path as well, of those sort of imposter syndrome statements around us?

Sami Wunder [34:09]
Absolutely. I mean, I always tell my clients, you know, I, when I started to be a love coach, and you know, practising my business man, we grew to seven figures in three years. So I think that was really good for my confidence, because I knew that in the online world, you cannot, you know, be successful this way if you’re not doing really good work. But when I started out, I felt like I was an economist who was faking, being pretending to be a life coach. And I think my journey with all the amazing client results that you’ve already read out, having helped so many women find love. It has proven to me and to my conscience and to my soul that I had always been a love coach. And I was only about Pretending to be an economist. So this has become really clear to me. It wasn’t clear to me when I started. I think I had that imposter syndrome dilemma going on. But now today, it’s just so clear to me that I was never meant to be an economist, I never was an economist, I may have had those degrees, I may be able to crack the numbers, but they didn’t turn me on. They didn’t make me happy. They didn’t like me up. And what I do today is just so instinctive, like, it’s just so it’s just so amazing that if a client sits in front of me and says, I have this in this problem, 97% of the time, what will come out of my mouth is going to just absolutely hit home. And this is just this is a gift. And so like I can just say that. This has been absolutely phenomenal for me in my own personal journey to observe like how following our heart, how being gutsy how being courageous and how really, you know, trusting those instincts and that intuition can really lead to To the life that you are meant to live, and it’s just, it’s an absolute blessing to be where I am today and to do what I do, and to love, you know, to wake up feeling excited and to wake up feeling confident and to wake up feeling like, wow, you know, with the work that I do, I can, you know, completely change people’s lives. And I truly believe that it’s also intergenerational impact. Because when you are when my clients work with me, they become healthy individuals, healthy individuals, create healthy relationships, healthy relationships, produce healthy offspring, healthy offspring growing up in a healthy home, create more healthy adults who will again create healthy relationships and not dysfunctional relationships. So I truly believe what I’m doing here is absolutely crazy in terms of value and intergenerational impact. And I do want to go back to you know, the second bit that I wanted to say, you know, this thing about becoming a life coach, and not only was it married with my decision disaffection with my current job. It also was closely connected with my own personal struggles in my love life. So you’ve been very kind to say I am good looking and glamorous. And on top of that, you know, I had a master degree and I was pretty successful. But I was having a really hard time in my love life, I was having a really hard time attracting a man who was interested in knowing in getting to know me and getting to know my soul and getting to know who I am, and falling in love with that versus just trying to get in my pants. And so I think it was a marriage of my journey, my personal struggles and love how I turned things around for myself, attracted my husband Chris, pretty quickly after I had figured it out because I’ve always been a good student and when I put my mind to something, you know, I can really read and really understand and really teach myself. And then Chris came into my life nine months and I was married, and then we shifted to Paris and he was working for the European Space Agency and Suddenly, I found myself in a country where I didn’t speak the language, I did not have any French proficiency. And I didn’t have a job. And then I was, you know, a master degree intelligent woman sitting at home waiting for my husband to come back to eat dinner together. And that was the point where I was like, Okay, I’ve got to do something. And I’ve got to take ownership of my life. And that’s where the idea for the business was born. Because now by this time, like over two, three year period, I had also spend time, you know, supporting my supporting my friends who also had similar struggles in their love lives. And that’s where the idea was born, like, you know, you could you could do this professionally, like, there’s so many women like yourself who are smart, amazing and still struggling in their love lives, and you could help them and you could do that professionally. And that’s when I decided to get a training and it was like, I wiped out my savings. Got my certification, and there’s been no looking back since then. But it was all really crazy, really intense. Huge feelings of taking risk not knowing where this is going to go. I come from India, my parents had never heard the term love coach. They thought I would be a banker sitting in Deutsche Bank. So I had to deal with all that emotional risk uncertainity letting down family expectations, all of that stuff I had to go through to be where I am today.

David Ralph [39:26]
One of the things that really jumped out at me there was you invested in yourself you you decided what to do. And so many people just Bumble along trying to sort it all out themselves, but you went and you got qualified, you got certified. How much did that speed you on? Do you think?

Sami Wunder [39:46]
Everything I think the sheer act of spending $8,000 back then this was what 2014 or 15. It made me understand that this was a non negotiable You see if you have 10,000 savings in your bank account, and you’re a young person, and then you wipe out more than 80% of your savings and put it into something now You mean business. So for me that cheer active investing that money meant that now my success is a non negotiable, I have to succeed no matter what.

David Ralph [40:23]
No, no plan B just a plan A,

Sami Wunder [40:27]
no plan B, no plan B. Actually, I’m not a big fan of plan B’s, because I think they divide my energy I know that’s, that’s very, that’s very conventional thinking plan a plan B. I’m not a big fan of plan plan, I would rather really succeed or I would rather really fail and I would learn from from both of those experiences. But I am really a big fan of, you know, putting my everything in one thing. And that is, I think emotionally that is stressful. But it’s it’s testifier that makes fine steel. And I think you can’t, you can’t know what what potential lies inside of you until you really put yourself in the game. And for me, not having a plan B meant that I was really in the game and I was really committed. And I showed up every day and even when I felt like no money was coming in, nothing was happening. You know, I still showed up every single day, because it was a non negotiable I had to succeed. There was no backing out on myself. And so I didn’t believe in plan B’s, I believe that you got to put yourself 100% in the game, and that’s going to show you what you’re made of, and you’re going to be pleasantly surprised by what you see, you’re going to surprise yourself. I surprised myself. I never when I started out like seven figures was not even like it happened to other people. There was not any kind of vision or goal to be a seven figure entrepreneur. I just wanted to make 5000 a year online. So that I could have a decent salary from my business. That’s what I started with. Right? That’s the intention. So I think, I think you, you surprise yourself by just how much gold lies inside of you. But that goal is not going to come out. If you stay comfortable, you got to get uncomfortable. And in order to be uncomfortable, you got to like make your success and non negotiable, and you got to put yourself in those kinds of situations where your real metal and your real narrative comes out.

David Ralph [42:29]
Yeah, I agree with that totally. And when I started Join Up Dots, there was no plan B, I had to make this a success because quite frankly, I couldn’t think of what to do other than this. And so I just kept on doing it kept on doing it. Now I look back on it after six years, and I think a lot of the stress that I put myself under was trying to push things too quickly. I look at it now and i think i think it needed to bed down it needed a bit of breathing space at time I needed to walk away from it. How often You walk away from your business and totally leave it on automatic.

Sami Wunder [43:06]
I think we I walk away from my business every four days.

Unknown Speaker [43:11]
It gets too much.

Sami Wunder [43:14]
But we take holidays, we, you know, we just completely switch off at least for 10 days every every, you know, six months or so. So no, I think there is there is a balance and I think here’s the thing. I think it was needed when I was not making six figures or multiple six figures. It was needed to grind a little young it was it was needed that I worked as hard as I did, but I don’t think I don’t think that what got me to the six figures is what got me to the seven figures. Right so the seven figures was a different mindset game. The seven figures was taking much better care of myself, but seven figures was drawing much stronger boundaries. With the people I was serving and working with hiring a team training a team delegating. So I think what got me to the first goalposts is not what got me to the seven figure mark. And I think this is this is constant evolution. So today, you know, you’ll never find me burning myself down for the work of the business, you know, I’m the queen of my business, I am the queen, the business is here to support me. And I understand that my energy drives the business. So if I am all down and under and not having fun and not taking breaks and not taking vacation, it’s really it’s also really meaningless. You know, it’s, it’s the second year we’ve exceeded seven figures and I can already tell you that I don’t care so much about the money. So I understand that when you make a bigger impact in people’s lives, the abundance just grows. But I also at the same time realising how important it is for me to spend time with you Like my child, with my husband, with my parents who are only getting older. So I think when I first started, it was all about work, work, work, work, you know, make something, do something. And that’s fine, that belonged to that kind of phase and it belonged to that kind of, you know, starting from scratch and nobody knows anything about you. Then you have to establish yourself, and you have to establish and show people that you have a gift and you haven’t, you are an expert, but I think I’m way beyond that mark now. And so are you and I think the games, the rules of the game are just really different at this level.

David Ralph [45:36]
Yeah, I agree. I agree. Totally. So just before we send you back in time on the Sermon on the MC to give advice to your younger self, is your business for everyone. Does it take a certain type of woman to become a love coach, or could all the women out there go? Oh, that’s how many crappy boyfriends I’m an expert. I can do this.

Sami Wunder [46:00]
That’s a really great question I have to confess, you know, I’m in the process of writing my book right now. So I want to put everything down how I think and what I teach in the form of a book now. But I do agree with you that there are just so many love coaches and so many love experts. Now I have a respect for everyone who is who thinks they have a gift and who wants to show who wants to share it with the world. But I do believe it takes a certain kind of results orientation when you call yourself an expert. So for example, for me it was number one important that I was not looking for love and teaching how to find love at the same time. Just like I like I wouldn’t go to a to a personal trainer to lose weight. If he’s overweight himself. I don’t I simply don’t believe he can teach me how to lose weight. Because if you be you know, new How to make the body lose weight. And he will not be overweight himself. So I mean, this could be controversial, but that’s fine. It’s fine with me. But I truly believe that something I’m learning, I don’t want to teach it at the same time, I want to speak on subjects where I have the results to speak for it personally, that’s, that’s my take on this. So that’s really important. I think, finding love and at the same time trying to teach others how to find love is for me, it feels a little out of integrity. And number two would be, I think being extremely results oriented. So when I started this work, I knew the money, the success, the fame, the being on Business Insider, and Forbes and BBC, all of that would come if I truly impacted the life of the person sitting in front of me. And that was our aim when we first started and we were not even six figures like is the person who’s coming to us really getting impacted by this work. Really Learning is, Is this making a difference in their lives? And if it wasn’t, then semi you have to up your game, Sammy, you have to read more understand more, you know, figure out where these women are struggling find the solutions. So I think becoming an expert is you don’t you’re just not you’re just not an expert. Because you read all the books, I think it’s a constant evolution and you have to be ready to see if your methods if you’re if what you’re teaching is really bringing an impact because anyone can go out there and say, I’m a life coach, you know, read my book, and people will read that book because people are looking for solutions. But is that really bringing results is that really changing people’s lives? I think that is the real metric. And that is the metric that makes you a true expert. Because as a true expert, you keep evolving and and I keep learning and I see because the more successful I get the higher level of women I attract. So I work with now CEOs and I work with celebrities and they have money and their fame and their success. And this guy, the woman very differently than my clients who are just, you know, who are doctors or you know, who have, you know, who are not in the same in, you know, publicity business. So I think I have to constantly learn and constantly stay at top of my game to serve people. And that’s what makes me an expert, not just the knowledge I have, which is a static, but constantly learning from experience and constantly informing myself if my method is not working on a particular kind of woman. What is going on there? How can I do better? What can I do to serve her? And I think that is that is what makes you an expert the results you get. And is your work really able to help that person that you say it’s supposed to help? Yeah,

David Ralph [49:42]
I agree. I agree. You don’t build a business you live a business, don’t you?

Sami Wunder [49:46]
Absolutely. I love that.

David Ralph [49:48]
I love that as well. It just popped into my head as I said that and I thought, I’m gonna trademark that what I’m what a brilliant statement tonight, David. And you was here about one moment that I say something wise, semi You were there for that moment.

Sami Wunder [50:02]
Yeah, me and you will retweet it.

David Ralph [50:05]
We will retweet it, it will go viral. Well, this is a bit of the show that we’ve been building up to. And this is the bit we call the Sermon on the mic when we send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time and speak to the young Sammy, what age would you choose and what advice would you love to give her Well, we’re going to find out because I’m going to play the theme and when it beats you up, this is the Sermon on the mic.

Unknown Speaker [50:37]
The best bit of the show.

Sami Wunder [50:55]
Okay, so it was hard picking up what age I want to go back to I was tempted to go by To my seven year old self and tell her that what your teachers say about you don’t let that define you. But I think I have more to say to my 21 year old self who travelled all the way to Germany, and felt really lonely and felt like she had made the worst decision of her life by leaving her home country, and, you know, living in a country with a foreign language and what was she even thinking? So this is the woman I want to speak back to. So Sammy of 21 years of age, I think, number one, you really you really have to realise the power of travel and how it opens your mind. And I think it’s one of the bravest things you can do to leave your comfort zone and to, to travel to a foreign land and to learn a foreign language German in your case, and so you can be really out of yourself, because there’s nothing that I didn’t see your hyzers as much as travelling So I know you miss your friends back home and they know you miss your, you know, familiarity, the Indian food and you know, family life. And here you’re sitting in a hostel in a room alone, not knowing the language, not having friends. But there’s nothing more powerful than getting out of your comfort zone so early on in life, and embracing a new culture, embracing a new language, and it’s going to make you the woman you’re going to be. So just like, be really freaking proud of yourself. That’s the first thing I have to say. You know, don’t underestimate the power of travel and don’t underestimate the power of being uncomfortable and learning to be uncomfortable at home at a young age. It’s, it’s, it’s going to make you the person you’re going to be 10 years down the line. The second thing I want to say to this woman is please darling, don’t try to force friendships. You are right now being the good girl. trying to be nice to everyone trying to be friends with everyone. And friendship is not supposed to be forced or some something that you know, you make it happen. Friendship is supposed to be born out of flow. It’s supposed to happen because it feels good to be around someone. And I think you don’t have to take the pressure of trying to make the whole university your friend and not everybody has to like you. I know at that age, it gives a huge sense of belonging and we all want to feel accepted and we all want to feel like we belong. But what is most important is at this age that you start learning the value of first accepting yourself for who you are and belonging to yourself first, before you even attempt to belong in any other communities. So don’t force those friendships. It’s not worth it. They’re not going to last anyway. be where I am now I know that only five of my friends from my Berlin University days are still my friends and these people, you know, I didn’t have to push anything with them. It just happened organically and those hundreds that I tried to have in my life and you know, I felt hurt by their behaviour and give them so much energy. I can tell you already they don’t last so don’t push it Don’t try to make it happen. And number three would be of course the men I mean, the guy is

you have been such a sweetheart you have you know, you know you’re you’re a catch. You know you are good looking intelligent, smart, sensitive, you’re a good person semi. And My only advice would you to you would be to you know really live that and embody that and not try so hard to please the guys and not try so hard to prove to them that you’re a catch, right? Because you are a catch, you are a catch, and there’s nothing to prove. And it’s so important that you choose a man who treats you right? So it’s, it’s great when they look good and I can promise you, when you are choosing the right man, you will at the end and the end of the day end up with a really good looking man. But you want to end up with a really good looking man who also treats you like a queen. So it’s so important at your age, to not let the chemistry drive your decisions and to really, you know, play with the cool head really get to know the guys rotational date that’s important. 21 years old, you got a rotational date, you can’t be putting all your energy on one man. You’ve got to know many men, you got to get to know many men, and you’ve got to have options on the menu. So don’t over focus on one guy and you know, get all about him because that’s the helpful for you or your confidence. And last but not least, darling semi. I want you to know that the world is your playground. And that there is a there is a phenomenal power in dreaming, and not just dreaming, but in dreaming really big dreams. Because those dreams come true. And I can tell you sitting where I’m sitting, that I never imagined that my life would look the way it looks today. But the only thing I can attribute it to is having the courage to dream really big dreams. And to hold on to those dreams. Even when nobody else around you believe some gone even when people think you’re silly or foolish. You’re a loser. I had some people say that to me. She couldn’t do well in economics. She’s becoming a life coach. And that’s fine, because it’s not between them and you. It’s between you and God and it’s between you and your your desires and your dreams. So I really want you to put aside any limitations. not listen to anyone who tells you what is not possible for you and to only and only bravely Listen to your heart around what is possible for you dream big, and have the courage to follow your heart, because you’re going to be rewarded tremendously for it. And I can’t wait to see you there.

David Ralph [57:24]
And we can’t wait to see you either. So somebody wants the number one best way that our audience can connect with you.

Sami Wunder [57:33]
Well, they can find me on my website, which is www dot semmy wonder.com which is w u and D r.com. And I mean over the internet, you just research My name send me send me wonder and you’ll find me.

David Ralph [57:51]
We will have over links on the show notes to make it as easy as possible as we always do. Some of you thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those Please come back again when you got more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Sammy, thank you so much.

Sami Wunder [58:11]
Thank you, David. That was a very, very fun and deep conversation with you loved being here.

David Ralph [58:19]
Sami Wunder yes, the left coach, the get the ring, a coach. As said by the BBC Radio London and the Daily Mail. So everyone who gets the success seems to know they want more in life, when start working on something, then invest in themselves, and then really get themselves only a plan A, but once the money starts coming in, start delegating and building a team around them. Nobody ever gets huge success doing it on their own. Because maybe you don’t want to success. Maybe you just want to be in a position to pay the bills. You know, it’s totally up to you. I can 100% guarantee that if you want it is out there for you. I’m proving that time and time again, with the people that are coming through to Join Up Dots coaching, and now are starting to build their businesses getting traffic coming to them and seeing their lives change. It’s totally doable. You’ve just got to go out and make it happen. always here for you. If you need us at Join Up dots@gmail.com jump over to the website and you can start with our free the starting pack. Complete free 15 part course that will help you get that idea of that first business, and then everything else is just, it’s just joining up the dots bago there’s a prize for you. Until next time, thank you so much. That was David Ralph and I will see you again. Look after yourselves. Bye bye.

Unknown Speaker [59:49]
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you are wants to become so he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practice. Is including the two that changed his life. Head over to Join Up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.