Shayamal Vallabhjee Joins Us On The Join Up Dots Podcast
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Introducing Shayamal Vallabhjee
Shayamal Vallabhjee is a best-selling author, sports scientist, psychologist, and high-performance coach to elite athletes, sports teams, and C-suite executives.
With over two decades of experience, he has helped hundreds of athletes around the world enhance their competitive edge, including Olympians, world cup cricket teams, and top-seeded athletes in tennis, track, and field.
Shayamal has also assisted many organizations in developing a culture of innovation and adaptability to keep their businesses agile in a competitive environment.
His main areas of focus include maximizing focus, team building, creating a culture of excellence, and managing pressure, and his approach to optimizing human performance blends evidence-based science, modern psychology, and spirituality.
He spent almost four years living as a monk, who owned nothing, at a Hare Krishna Temple in Durban, South Africa, before moving to India and starting a multimillion-dollar company.
How The Dots Joined Up For Shayamal
Shayamal is the author of four books on sports science and motivation, including his latest title, Breathe Believe Balance, which was an Amazon bestseller within the first six hours of its presale and sold 25K+ copies during the pandemic.
In this book, Vallabhjee takes you through this introspective and self-healing journey. From understanding the importance of self-love to decoding the science of healthy relationships; from learning to be emotionally present in every conversation to engineering your environment for success,
He has hosted shows on ESPN and has been featured in four National Geographic documentaries, Forbes, Men’s Health, and Sports Illustrated.
He is also a sought-after speaker who has delivered 700+ keynote speeches at various international conferences, including four TEDx talks.
So how can people be emotionally present in every conversation when their ability to focus is at an all time low?
And of the three is there one more important than the other when we come to Breathe, Believe and Balance?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Mr Shayamal Vallabhjee
Show Highlights
During the show we discussed such weighty subjects with Shayamal Vallabhjee such as:
How the recipe for life can be formulated within two things, as you will hear the show and both can be mastered with a little practice.
We share the route to success, and why most of us lack the clarity and understanding of ourselves to make things truly happen.
Why you should be filling your day with the concept of subtract before you add – Look at clearing space in your life as much as possible
And lastly….
We share the six things that every person on the planet wants and why this will never change.
How To Connect With Shayamal Vallabhjee
Return To The Top Of Shayamal Vallabhjee
If you enjoyed this episode of Shayamal Vallabhjee, then why not listen to some of our favourite podcast episodes such as Infinite Banking System, Dan Lok, Sophie Radcliffe, or the amazing Simon Mainwaring
Or if you prefer just pop over to our podcast archive for thousands of amazing episodes to choose from.
Full Transcription Of Shayamal Vallabhjee Interview
Intro [0:00]
Life shouldn’t be hard life should be a fun filled adventure every day. So now start joining up dots tap into your talents, your skills, your God given gifts and tell your boss, you don’t deserve me. I’m out of here. It’s time for you to smash that alarm clock and start getting the dream business and wife you will, of course, are dreaming of. Let’s join your host, David Ralph from the back of his garden in the UK, or wherever he might be today with another JAM PACKED episode of the number one hit podcast. Join Up Dots.
David Ralph [0:38]
Yeah, good morning to listeners. Good morning and welcome to another episode of Join Up Dots. Yeah, we’re recording this a couple of days short of our 10 year anniversary, which is a hell of a go for a podcast nowadays. But um, thank you so much for everybody who’s still connecting with us and still listening right from the very beginning. Well, today’s guest is a best selling author, sports scientist, psychologist and high performance coach to athletes sports teams, and C suite executives. With over two decades of experience. He’s helped hundreds of athletes around the world enhance their competitive edge, including Olympians, World Cup cricket teams, and top seeded athletes in tennis, track and build. He’s also assisted many organisations in developing a culture of innovation and adaptability to keep their businesses agile in a competitive environment. He spent almost four years living as a monk interesting stuff who own nothing at a Hari Krishna temple in Durban, South Africa, before moving to India and starting a multimillion dollar company. He’s also the author of four books on sports science and motivation. In his latest title, which I’m sure we discuss, breathe, believe and balance, which was an Amazon Best Seller within the first six hours of its presale and sold 25,000 copies during the pandemic. And in the book, he takes you through this introspective and self healing journey from understanding the importance of self love, to decoding the science of healthy relationships, from learning to be emotionally present in every conversation to edge in your environment for success. So how can people be emotionally present in every conversation when the ability to focus is an all time low? And of the three? Is there one more important than the other? When we come to breathe? Believe and balance? Let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Shayamal Vallabhjee Good morning Shayamal How are you?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [2:44]
Hello, David, thank you so much. I’ve been loving the intro to your podcast, the energy. So love, thank you so much for that beautiful introduction and for welcoming me on joining the dots listening to you. 10 years is without a doubt, a phenomenal run for any podcast. So congratulations to you on that as well.
David Ralph [3:04]
Yeah, thank you very much. Thank you very much. I’m gonna I’m gonna get straight into this right. This is a question that since I knew you was coming on the show, I’ve been intrigued. Now, we’re taking you back to when you were as a monk who owned nothing. Now, most people nowadays are trying to get stuff. It’s stuff that they want. They don’t know why they want the stuff but they are aiming for things. When you take nothing away. They’re all your problems go away? Or? Or do you still have the same kind of problems? Tell us about it.
Shayamal Vallabhjee [3:36]
It’s such a fantastic question. Your problems don’t go away, your problems just become very different. You know, and that’s the thing at every stage of life is that you will always have a challenge or a problem as such. It’s just that the problem shifts and the problem changes. But what monkhood teaches you or what mindfulness as a practice teaches you is how to view those problems completely differently. And, you know, I was reading a beautiful quote, and it says, most people don’t know what they want. But they’re pretty sure they don’t have it, you know, which is quite funny. But that’s the fact of the matter is that, and why is that? We can laugh at that. And we can joke at that. But what is the fundamental crust of the fact that we don’t know what we want? But we don’t know. But we convinced that we don’t have it is because really, and truly from a neuroscience point of view, it comes down to cognitive load, David, there’s so much happening in our mind all the time, that most people have an inability to find a place of stillness in their mind and body to be able to reflect on the important questions that give them the answers to what they actually want. Now in monkhood when I said my problems shifted, yes, they shifted not so much to wanting different things, but the problem shifted to how could I truly discuss For myself, and that was the journey of self discovery, the problems everyday arose around discipline around the quest of knowledge around the quest of taking the association of people that could guide me and mentor me in a way that I wanted to move. So, and for among those were challenges in some shape and form because our quest was very different to a person who’s trying to earn a lot. But it is a problem in some shape and form. Because from neuroscience point of view, once again, any stress whether it’s the stress of discovering the self, or whether it’s the stress of earning money, or whether it’s the stress of your child being ill will show up biologically in the exact same way. So that’s, I don’t know if I’ve answered the question. But that’s a subtle difference with, with where we’re coming from.
David Ralph [5:52]
So basically, I live by a life of it’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got. That’s what I try to think of all the time. And more often than not, I think, not getting what you want, often turn out to be the best thing for you, you kind of you’re misguided, I can have 1000s of times, when I’ve gone to do something, and I’ve gone there, and it’s closed or whatever. And so I think, oh, what should I do our go somewhere else? And I discovered things that were just brilliant and excellent. Is life, do you think to prescribe? Should we more often than not just go with the flow? Or is that not conducive to building success and durability? And everything that we actually want in our life? What do you mean?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [6:38]
Yeah, David, fantastic question. The recipe for success, irrespective of what you want, is you need to have two things, you need to have intention, and you need to have a tension. So I NTN intention, and then attention. And you need to have intention with respect to clarity with what you want. And then when you are pursuing that you need to have a mindfulness during that process. If you have clarity of thought with respect to your attention, and you have mindfulness with respect to your attention, the probability of you getting what you want is highly, highly likely. Now, when you say go with the flow, I’m very much in favour of going with the flow, and not over engineering life as such as we speak. But having said that, I do think that clarity of thought is one of the most powerful assets a person can give to themselves, taking time off, knowing what you want, where you want to go. And even from a psychological standpoint, even understanding the obstacles on that part. Because science tells us that when you think about an obstacle on a path, when you encounter that obstacle, the brain will figure out a way around that obstacle. Whereas if you haven’t thought about it, it becomes a roadblock. And you start to procrastinate. So yes, we can very easily go with the flow and not over engineer life. But at some level, you know, having clarity of thought about the direction you want to go with, and then mindfully practising the small habits that will move you in that direction, having a level of attention with respect to that is definitely the recipe for success. Now, I’ve
David Ralph [8:27]
been using one of your brave believing balance. And I believe in this solely because I speak to so many people who haven’t defined what they really want in life. And so they’re just kind of leaping from one thing to another, and they’re not making any great progress towards something and I hold my hand up, I spent many years thinking I wanted something. And then when I got it, it didn’t make me happy. And so it’s been a journey I’m on but that clarity of really knowing yourself, not financially, not rewards, not status, but really knowing yourself is probably one of the hardest things to discover, even though it’s in us. Well, why do you think that? Why do we not know ourselves enough to gain that clarity, which makes things so much easier?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [9:21]
David, most people don’t know themselves because we don’t spend enough time really reflecting on a certain amount of questions, those questions around what are the things that are important? Now, we are set up for failure? And how do I mean that I mean, we set up for failure because incidentally, my area of psychological expertise is in childhood subconscious programming. So what I’m studying in the roadmap of trying to help a person improve their performance is I’m studying all the subconscious programmes that are built in the first 10 years of a child’s life. Now, if I’m telling you that these programmes have been invoked at a time, when you were not mindfully aware, as a child just playing around and absorbing from your ecosystem, that blueprint now becomes your blueprint with how you operate. Now, after 10, after teenagers are 1415, if you do not have mindful awareness, then those programmes are now dictating how you show up. So most people are operating or have an inability to really pause and answer this question or even ask the most important question, because there’s a subconscious programme in place that they absorb from the environment that doesn’t belong to them, that belong to certain fears, in the ecosystem, in the community, in their socio economic upbringing in the way their parents spoke in the way they associated with kids at school, in any one of these things, created a programme that now dictates how they operate and how they see life. This is why it is so fundamentally important to find stillness. But why it’s so difficult as well. Because that subconscious fear that I’m talking about is so is hidden in a very dark place. And most people are fearful of even shining the light on that and asking the question that will reveal that, because that makes you the most vulnerable you could ever be in life it exposes and opens wounds up that you have spent your whole life trying to cover up
David Ralph [11:32]
painful and vulnerable jumping in being vulnerable is when the great things happen, isn’t it? When you when you go up to that person that you’ve been thinking, oh, I want to ask him out, I want to ask her out, but she’s gonna say no, he’s just gonna say no. And when you do, you know, you won’t ever get the result you want or learn from it, you move on one being vulnerable is the key to life, I would have said,
Shayamal Vallabhjee [11:52]
Yeah, 100%. Right. But let’s let’s play on that a little bit. David, when does someone find vulnerability, they either find vulnerability when two things happen, either you’re backed into a situation where you find no other alternative. Or the second thing is you surrounded by a healthy ecosystem of people that encourage you, and help you find that strength to face that vulnerability. Now, most people are not mindful of the five or six people that form that ecosystem around them, that nourishes them with positivity, with courage, with bravery with strength, and create a psychologically safe environment for them to navigate curiosity and creativity. So what happens is, they are going to default to the second where they are pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed to a corner, where that vulnerability is the last option on the table in terms of a survival mechanism.
David Ralph [12:48]
I don’t understand why we’re like this. Because if I went back to my school days, there was no talk of mindfulness, there was no talk about mental health, there was no talk about aiming for happiness burst. But I think that’s the key to life I see as an adult, don’t go for the huge rewards go for what makes you feel better. And when those rewards more often than not will come it’s about making yourself feel good about you, yourself and your journey. So if we all know this, why is there not? Or maybe there is maybe there is a movement in education to sort of bring these aspects to the fore younger? Have you seen that?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [13:30]
I agree, I think it needs to become more front and centre with respect to the education system. But the problem, David is that the world is becoming so competitive right now that these kids are subconsciously pushed into certain parts, before they even have the courage or the know how of how to say no with conviction. Now not think of a child, you know, a child who is when I’m studying children’s psychology, the first thing that child can say no to is the type of food they eat. So that’s why you see that very often they reject the type of food. And then after that, they’ll learn to say no to a type of clothes that they want to wear or where they want to go. And they start learning the boundaries of that. No, but they can only push it to a certain extent. And by teenagers, then what’s happening is sometimes the parents decisioning is overriding that No. So before they turn 20, right, they’ve been they’ve been engraved into a park where the park is a fear driven park that if you don’t go down this road here, the probability of success is very low. And because we see opportunities being restricted, so I fundamentally agree with everything that you’re saying that the education system should be relooked at, because currently what it’s doing is we navigating choices on the basis of fear and not on the basis of enjoyment or belief or passion or love. And if we can bring that front and centre, then maybe the need to talk about mental health would really fall away, because everyone will be operating from a place of true happiness or from a place of contentment. But right now, that’s not the case. So yes, we need to look at that.
David Ralph [15:18]
I’ve got a grandson who’s just turned three and basically shouts the word no, all the time, no matter what you say to him, it’s no, no. And when I look at my daughter, who is 18, and she’s already into that, that people pleasing, a lot of her decisions are based around making other people happy. And I say, you know, you can always make everybody happy. Ashley, you know, do what you think’s right. And I see that I speak to through Join Up Dots as well. And their listeners that come through, there’s a, there’s an a pandemic of people pleasing, where you’re trying to make decisions that aren’t conducive for yourself, so doesn’t really help anyone at all. Is there any way past this? Or is this just something that we’ve got forever? Do you think now,
Shayamal Vallabhjee [16:06]
that pandemic of loneliness and people pleasing is arising from the fact that it’s really and truly arising from the fact that I come back to that phrase called cognitive load, which means our mind is so busy, we don’t even have the presence of mind to listen to an answer. When we ask someone, how are you? So why are we people pleasing? We people pleasing, because we seem to think that if I make someone else happy, they’ll see me in a different light. David, there’s there’s a very interesting research paper that came out in 1976, by a psychologist by the name of Lester Lebowski, who studied the transcripts of 100,000 patients and counsellors. And he summarised, 100,000 patient transcripts into six words, which describes what every single human being on the planet wants and needs, whether you’re a child or whether you’re a grandparent, those six things are every single person wants to be understood, heard, seen, valued, respected, and treated, fairly, so understood, heard, seen, valued, respected, and treated fairly. Now, if those things are absent, then we are going to subconsciously behave in a way that is mal aligned from who we are. So this people pleasing is coming out from the fact that most people are not seen or given the opportunity to be heard, let’s even treated fairly. So the mind is telling them that if I treat someone nicely, they will treat me like how I treat them. So that’s where that is kind of being born from. And you and you, and you draw a fork in the road with your grandson who say no, and your teenage daughter or granddaughter who is a people pleasing. And that beautifully describes the psychological transition from the time a child is born to when we grow up into a young adult, as such, initially, that child is learning how to say no, because they learning what those boundaries are at those boundaries, very quickly transition into that people pleasing phase, because a child at four years old is not interested in creating a sense of belonging, because he has psychological safety with his parents, an 18 year old doesn’t spend as much time with the parents. So psychological safety has been eroded from there, which means they need to create their own cocoon of psychological safety. And that’s where people pleasing sort of comes in at that level. So it’s very, very interesting how it transitions and we keep coming to mindfulness. And yes, maybe it should be a part of the curriculum, maybe it’s sad that we need it to be a part of the curriculum. But mindful awareness is the only recipe that will help a person understand what they’re going through, and be able to take some actionable steps to find solutions that are healthy.
David Ralph [19:02]
While we’re talking to Shamaya. We’d be back after these words,
Oprah Winfrey [19:06]
the way through the challenge is to get still and ask yourself, what is the next right move? not think about, oh, I got all of this stuff. What is the next right move? And then from that space, make the next right move, and the next right move, and not to be overwhelmed by it. Because you know, your life is bigger than that one moment, you know, you’re not defined by what somebody says, is a failure for you. Because failure is just there to point you in a different direction.
David Ralph [19:37]
Now, before we actually spoke this morning, I’ve had about six requests, three of them to appear on other people’s podcasts, to business kinds of discussions, and something else come where he was. And I’ve said no to all of them. It’s just an instant No, I look at it and think Did I ask for that to come through to me is a good use of my time. No, and I’m very polite. I just go back and say now it’s not a good use of my time. Now, when we look at the sort of people pleasing aspect, we’ve all got 24 hours in the day, you must get more opportunities when most come through to you. So how do you decide what is right for you? By leading towards brief believe and balance? How do you gain that balance in your life when often the ego takes over and you think, oh, somebody wants me, somebody likes me, you know, I’ve got this opportunity through my email, how do you do it shut out?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [20:34]
That’s a nice question. I learned this little formula that I’ve been using for almost 20 years of my life, I learned when I was in the temple. And I break up the interactions that I do with everybody in literally three different phases. So I would look at saying, hey, 60 to 65% of my time, I’m engaging with someone who has the same like same interests, or is at the same level that I am maybe academically, financially, socially, or aspirationally, as a leader in different fields, whatever, you know, you’re at the same level, that’s generally the circle where you find your friends about, you know, 20 to 25% of the time. I am trying to connect with mentors, with coaches with people who are aspirational, like you said, you know, I want to, you want to aspire because you can learn something, or you can, just being in that environment can help you so much more. And that 10 to 15% of my energy is spent with organisations or helping people where I have absolutely zero to benefit, but me spending time with them is going to help them move forward. And I’m very mindful of this equation, because I keep looking at everything in terms of energy, and in terms of this universe. So for example, if the top people are looking at me, and they are helping me, I need to pay forward by helping someone else down that night. And I look at energy in this sort of cyclic way in there. So you know, when I’m looking at any opportunity, whether it’s a podcast, whether it’s speaking, whether sometimes I get called into certain places, and I buy my own ticket and fly halfway around the world, just because I see that this is an opportunity to pay it forward. And it could change someone’s life. Because, David, my entire story, I grew up in the midst of be a party, which was institutionalised discrimination of people of colour in South Africa. So I understand how much it means when someone you’re aspiring to looks your way and lends your hand or just shows up and takes a picture or talks to you. I know the value of that there. And that has been one of the fuels for me for my entire life. So I kind of segregate things in these levels. And that formula is kind of made, it may move up and down by 5% here and there, but it served me well. And it also grounds me makes me humble of of really trying to give back and and being conscious of time.
David Ralph [23:04]
I was trying to do the math as you were doing that. But in my head I was thinking he’s left out himself just himself time when he’s not trying to help someone. He’s not trying he is being himself now. I kind of got a 5050 I 50% just block time totally no one can get me I might be in the garden pottering around. Yesterday afternoon, I worked at about one o’clock, it was pouring with rain in the United Kingdom. And I went and watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and there was no one in the house. I just got myself on the sofa. And I just watched sort of old 1980s videos, you know, and and movies. So I do it as 50 5050 Business Business 50 myself, where’s your where’s your slug?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [23:52]
Ah, great, great question. And thank you for asking that. So that formula that I described is related to the time that I give out. But in between each of this year, there is me time. So this doesn’t mean my entire day is packed with just serving other people No. So whether I’m spending four hours in a day or four hours in a week, I’m dividing my time on the basis of that formula. But my day is not fooled at all. In fact, I have a very, very beautiful phrase that I remind myself off, often off, I say subtract before you add. So before I even look at doing anything new, I look at what is it that I’m currently doing that I can get rid of. So I’m always looking at creating mind space and body space. I’m always looking to cultivate a little bit of solitude for myself to be able to think after all, I am an author as well and I spend a lot of time meditating. So I need a lot of that self time. And the one important thing is that the self time that you talk about, I describe it as the buffer, you know, which means that for most people who have a work life and a family life without having any have that self time, the stresses from one have gone to overflow into another, the self time becomes a buffer, where you can reset the body and mind and show up in a way that is truly representative of who you are. So there’s plenty of self time in my life, the formula was only depicting how I spend my time going out. But, you know, I think in my case, I would spend probably more than 50% of my time by myself, but that is by default, because I’m an author, and I’m doing a lot of research and writing.
David Ralph [25:31]
I love this subtract before you add, you know, the ultimate sophistication is simplicity. And I’m obsessed about doing less and less and less, because I know that’s ultimately when you get the greater rewards. And I have been on a journey Shamal but I, I started being an entrepreneur, I got terribly ill, I had extreme burnout. And now I feel better than I ever have. And that’s because I do only what needs to be done. And I’m not just adding it on because of ego or status, or whatever. So I delve into this subtract before you add. So how do you know that you’ve subtracted enough but you it’s always there never enough, you can always subtract?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [26:20]
Yeah, you can always subtract. And that’s a such a beautiful question. The way I describe it to people, I tell people that you know, we live in a world where everyone is going to make you anxious about the speed you’re going. And they’re going to try to encourage you to go faster and faster. And to do more and more. Now, I’m a big proponent of really leaning on your environment or leaning on your ecosystem. So I tell people, if you are surrounded by everyone who makes you anxious, about not doing enough, or you going too slowly, then you’re in for a disaster. So what I ask people to do is find those people in your ecosystem who make you come make you feel comfortable, going 10% slower, or 10 times slower, and hold on to them. Because those are real diamonds in the rough. Those are the people you need to keep close by those are the people that will heal your soul, direct your soul and make you feel comfortable. Because the secret to success is not going fast, it’s actually going slower. And we say this, because if I tell people in a sports science example, if I give you, if someone is take a golfer, for example, if they’re swinging as fast as they can, the momentum is moving past a lot of the errors that they make. But when you slow something down, your errors get amplified, you can see it and what you can see, you can correct. So in a sport science terms, if I’m trying to get someone to perform better, I’m slowing everything down so I can see where the glitches in the system are. And I can correct it. Similarly in life, if you slow things down, you can see where you overcompensating where you just may be getting the benefit or something because you’ve created momentum from somewhere else. And you’re able to then subtract effectively and efficiently. But you can only do that if you’re surrounded by people who make you comfortable slowing down. So how do you do this, you find those people, those people who give you good guidance, who asked you to hold on hold space for you, who give you a few questions to reflect on. And I’ve not found a single case or a single example, where the person holding space for a significantly prolonged period of time has had a detrimental effect to them. You know, they’ve always found more clarity 99% of the time, the idea that they wanted to move forward with completely falls off the table because they’ve acid tested it. And they found that it was not the right thing or the partner that they wanted to do. They discovered something new about that person that didn’t make that relationship go forward. Time is the best healer. And the other one caveat I want to tell people is if you’re going to take time off to slow down, the second best thing you can add to that is taking time off in nature. Nature and time are two of the most fundamental ingredients to heal any soul on this planet. If you can bring this together. You’ve got you’ve got a winning recipe.
David Ralph [29:21]
Yeah, I agree with this totally during the pandemic when the pandemic hit, I suddenly got into gardening, I’d never got into gardening beforehand. It was just something oh, I need to tidy it up. I’d go and do it for a weekend and then I’d let it run to sort of wrack and ruin again. But now I’m totally focused in on that. That ability to just breathe and just watch the clouds go past and just not think of anything but I am unusual and unusual in my life because I in my family are at 100 miles an hour. My son is on his bed and he’s playing FIFA football and he’s got a his mobile phone by the side of him, he’s got something else going and my daughter is she shows me Instagram. I can’t even keep up with it. She’s flying up and our farmers are blowing and going, how do I eat hauls? How do they slow down? When? If I feel that they do, they’re missing out? There’s something that I haven’t seen, there’s some notification that I haven’t answered. What can I give to my family to say to them to slow down?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [30:28]
Yeah, then the only thing we can really do is maybe set a few boundaries around the times that y’all have together. So for example, eat meals together, and no, make sure there’s no digital devices or TVs around or anything, oh,
David Ralph [30:45]
we used to do that Chanel. And my, my wife broke that rule. And because the wife broke that rule, the kids go, well, she’s doing it, I can do it. And it’s very difficult. You know, it’s quite easy to control your kids. But it’s incredibly almost impossible to control your wife.
Shayamal Vallabhjee [31:02]
Yes, I can understand how difficult it would be to have certain communication. And I think, like, when I came back to it, it’s that, you know, I was talking to my partner the other day, and I was saying, you know, we have a four year old at home. And it’s very easy to set rules, because we don’t want them to do something. So for example, we could say, hey, no screens in the week, no picking up the phone, no doing that. And I keep telling them, I said, you know, we can fall into this into this rut of saying don’t do these things. But I said most parents never pause to say, Okay, we don’t want to do this. But what do we want them to do? And start engineering roots in accordance with the direction we want them to go? And I think that’s the switch that we need to flip. That’s, that’s a performance mindset thinking. It’s, you know, if I tell you don’t do something, yes, I’ll be creating cognitive space, I’ll be freeing up time. But if I don’t give you a constructive way to really channel that energy, it’s absolutely useless. So I’m going to ask him the question on what I don’t want you to do. I’m asking the question of how do I create rules and boundaries that encourage you to move in the direction that I actually do want you to do? You know, so the question would be with kids is, what is it that you want them to be doing? Do you want them to be reading more? Do you want them to be conversing with others more? Do you want them to be playing sport more, and then start building rules around that, as opposed to don’t do this, because when you tell someone don’t do this, but you don’t give them an option of what to do with that time, they’re going to come back 10 seconds later and say the book. So this is the this is the thinking that needs to come into play, especially when it comes to parenting is don’t look at everything from a don’t do this framework, start engineering get in, what are the habits we’d like them to cultivate, and start building rules and frameworks around that.
David Ralph [33:00]
We used to have bath time when my kids were little, and my son used to love water all over the floor all the time. And we used to say don’t throw the water, you know, keep it in a basket. And when we changed to be a good boy and keep the water in the bath, he didn’t throw the water out, it seems so simple to just say don’t do something, but actually by telling them how to do something, it totally changed it. Now, I’m back on this subtract before you add and then we’re gonna move to subject to breathe, believe and balance because as he was talking, I was thinking to myself many years ago, I used to read this blog called Zen Habits. And every morning I would read Zen Habits, and it was all about being mindful, being clear of desk and and just giving yourself space and breathing space and the ability to breathe. And then I got into minimalism. And all my dots really have been laid almost to this conversation now, where it’s always been about how can I leave things behind to your inner energy? Now? That’s what breve believe and balance is all about, isn’t it? When when I see breve that is that’s you saying is okay to pause for a moment. Yeah,
Shayamal Vallabhjee [34:16]
absolutely. David, when we talk about breed believes balance, you know, when I’m talking about breed, for example, what breed is significant have is giving the opportunity to the nervous system to really truly relax in some shape and form. So I’m getting it to, you know, a long slow exhalation is just calming down the nervous system. Belief is associated with the self talk, because, you know, coming out of the locker room, one of the things that I’ve seen, David is that you could have the best mentors and the best coaches, but the voice that will always win will be the voice of the self. So if that voice is self sabotaging no matter Who’s coaching you, you’re going to self sabotage your success. And if that voice is always positive, no matter who’s coaching you, you’re always going to rise above that. So, belief is with respect to that self talk. And balance for me is really, when I was positioning it to everyone, you know, I heard that word balance, play out in so many shapes and forms, everyone always spoke about it. And I was fascinated with what balance is. And the whole book, I really deep dive into what balance actually is. And it fundamentally breaks down into, I studied balance across multiple fields of life from, you know, from nature, to biology, to astrology. And I found a few interesting things I found first thing is that balance was never symmetrical. So it was not 5050 as a representation of balance, and that was a myth that we created to represent balance balance. In most of the fields of life. If you look at the Golden Ratio, for example, it’s asymmetrical. The second thing is that balance is fluid and dynamic, you know, it’s always changing every single second, and you require that level of mindful awareness to be able to play up on that equilibrium. So these are the elements that I was trying to bring to the forefront in the book breed believed balance, telling people that for you to be able to be mindfully aware, we need that neurological system to really truly come down. And for you to truly engineer a type of life balance that makes you happy, that life balance could be 50%, of meeting, or it could be being comfortable just working four days a week, or it could be comfortable with having just this amount of salary and not pushing myself or having the mindful awareness to calling your parents every day or every two days or once a week driving and visiting them. Whatever it is that mindful awareness around what balance looks like for you can only come if you create that cognitive space, and the belief that you are good enough, and you have what it is to move forward. I was I was talking and this morning, I just posted something on Instagram where I studied. And I coach two types of people, the types of people who one is always doubting the skills that they have. So they always try to acquire new skills. And then there’s a second type of person who’s not even looking at skills, but he’s just trying to understand people more. And, inevitably, the second type is always way more successful, the one who’s invested in understanding people. Similarly in breed rebalance, I’m saying that the, the speed at which you move forward in life is directly proportional to the energy you invest in discovering yourself. And that’s what the entire books about.
David Ralph [37:46]
Now the key is I’ve got to jump back onto it is the, the subtract, that’s the key word to all this because I do yoga nidra twice a day. And it’s something that I bought in about three months ago, I wouldn’t have thought I’d had the time for it, I would have said no. And I went up, I got the time to do that. Now it’s part of my routine. And I found a way of bringing that grieving space that that resetting the parasympathetic nervous system into my life, due to just wanting it and saying, I think this is the right thing to do. So I’m, I walked through breve believe and balance every single day. And it’s a game changer. But I know there’s people out there thinking of my wife, and we say, whenever I got time to do this, when when I haven’t got time to do this, I can barely do what I need to do anyway.
Shayamal Vallabhjee [38:43]
Yeah, David, this is true. You know, and I always tell those people, you know, in any healthy relationship in any ecosystem, if you go out looking for an excuse, the brain will find it for you. Or you will find it yourself. It’s like a pie investigator, you know, that’s the amygdala in your brain that’s talking. So the way you describe that conversation with your wife is something like an amygdala attack where you’re putting yourself at the centre of all of the problems, and your brain is just manifesting reasons why you’re correct. And that’s called an amygdala attack. And that’s because the sympathetic nervous system is really hyper stimulated in some shape and form. So what I tell people is that you know, what you go looking for, you will find so if you want to go looking for space, if you want to go looking for people and exercises to help calm you down and create that minimalism, or help you subtract in your life, you will find that as well. And in every single thing that they two things that will really determine a person’s ability to cope with stress. One is the internal strength, which is the strength of the parasympathetic nervous system, and that is determined by factors like meditation, like diet, like how might you laugh, for example, what your fitness levels are like and how much you’re sleeping, these are the internal factors that determine the strength of the parasympathetic nervous system. The external factors are all of the external stresses that you are facing. And those are a dime a dozen they there they are ever changing. Sometimes it’s very difficult for us to predict what those stresses are. Now, control the controllables means you have a certain amount of things within your control, which is in the internal system. Now, the more you lean on that the more equipped you are to deal with everything externally. And neuroscience has shown us you know, there’s a nice biomarker called heart rate variability, which is indicative of how you one copes with stress. And we’ve seen that if you have slept well, if you started your day with meditation, or yoga nidra, if you start your morning connected to nature, you woke up early, you watch the sunrise, you had a good night’s rest, maybe you ate something healthy, that your HRV is going to be elevated. And the higher your heart rate starts the day with, the more resilient you are to any of the stresses that you’re dealt with, that get thrown your way throughout the day. If you start with a low heart rate variability, which means your parasympathetic nervous system is compromised in some shape and form, that every single stress that enters your ecosystem has the potential to completely knock your knock you off both psychologically and physiologically. Now, what we can do, in all honesty, is present this level of evidence and case studies to show everyone how those who adhere to these principles have over a longer period of time, being better off and more successful. Now, I can’t force them to do it. And as you say, you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. But in coaching, all we try to do is just constantly drop the seeds over and over again. And and to use the phrase that I use when I’m coaching people ask me, What’s your tag, and I said, you know, every one of us has a baseline. And my job as coach is to move you from baseline to better. Now, in the case of your wife, who doesn’t do yoga, Nidra, her baseline may be fractionally lower than yours who does practice that. But as a content creator, as a coach, as a performance expert, my job is to move you from baseline to better. And I’m not really focused on where your baseline is, and focused on Can I drop certain seeds that moves you from baseline to better?
David Ralph [42:36]
So the question at the beginning was of the three is there one more important than the other when we come to breathe, believe and balance? And I’ve now got an answer in my head. But I want to see what you say, is there one that we should do first, we should do more?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [42:53]
Well, the first place to start is breathing is is finding and breathing is really symbolic of a practice that gets the parasympathetic nervous system to just down regulate. If that is not relaxed, if that is not stimulated in some shape and form, you’re going to be moving from one fear to the next, every single minute of the day, you’re going to be operating in a way that’s not in alignment with who you are. And if you do that well enough. If you start practising, like, let’s use the example of yoga nidra that you do, the first day that you do yoga nidra you may not see any change in your life, the first week or the first month that you do yoga nidra you may not see any change in life. But like you, if you’ve been doing it for a decade or two decades, you start to see life through the lens of yoga nidra. And that’s the power of discipline. So I tell everyone breathe is symbolic of a practice that stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system. If you lean on that practice consistently, for months for years, you start to experience life through the lens of that practice. And then the balance of the belief completely changes and and will reorientate itself to that. So your question is where to start? Start there.
David Ralph [44:13]
Start breathing. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? You know, we’ve been doing it all our life. So we should be masters at it. But not many people breathe properly. Do they?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [44:24]
Know, breathing is such a science and quite honestly, let me let me tell you a story. You know, I’ve been studying breathwork for for almost a decade. You’ve been doing it for way longer it and I’ve been looking at the science of it. And I’ve been looking at it through the Vedic lens. So how it was studied in, in India through the science of pranayama, which is breath and pranayama is it refers to the life force the energy force that writes upon every single breath. Now, when you look at breathing in India, there’s an entire Encyclopaedia of breath. doing exercise there’s way more than we’re exposed to in the West. But right at the core of that breathwork exercise, there’s one simple breathing exercise. Okay, which is the forceful exhalation of your breath. It’s called couple Bharti couple Bharti is a forceful exhalation. So then you want teaching, you would say, just use your pelvic muscles, contract them and let them push the air out. So you’re going, you would have seen many yogic masters practice that breath, that breathwork cycle is right at the heart of all breathing practices. And the story I will tell you is that that is symbolic of how we should live our life. You know, what it’s saying is constantly, forcefully give, give, give out, give out, if you forcefully give out. No yogic teacher talks to you about how you should believe in during that during that exercise. They only tell you forcefully give, and then let the universe take care of how you receive. And I love that practice. Because I tell the story, when I’m trying to convince anyone of how to bring a practice into their life, and how that practice will then mould your life. Every single person who practices breathwork is very, very focused on their contribution into the world or the energy that they’re given to the world. Because that consciousness is woven into that practice. And that practice aligns mind body and soul. And it’s the easiest way to start for any single person on the planet, David.
David Ralph [46:42]
Now, let’s bring this conversation to an end. Unfortunately, I want it to go on and on and on. But this is going to be the world’s longest podcast episode. So we have yourself Shamal. What is the three things other than the subtract? What’s the three things that you think in your life bring the most benefit that we can share with the listeners to bring the show to an end?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [47:07]
I think three things that helped me the most is daily exercise, for example, I love just going out, I’m an ultra marathon runner, so I’m spending a lot of my time on the road running by myself. And running creates this hormone in the brain called BDNF brain derived neurotrophic factor, which just helps create new neurological pathways and helps me make sense of the world. So the first thing is exercising. The second thing is having clarity of thought around the people that really, truly matter in your life. So who are the five or six most important people? Sometimes, if you want to include family in that exercise, do that if you want to just keep family aside and then identify who are your four or five core friends? It makes really life simple would knowing where you want to give your energy. If you had x amount of time? How would you like to give that time would you like to keep it for yourself, it becomes very, very easy to do that. So the second thing that really, really helped me was the clarity of thoughts, with the people that matter the most in my life. And the third thing that made a massive difference to my life is nailing down a simple creative habit that I lean on every single day. And that habit for me is writing it also every single day, about a different subject about a different topic, I just find a way to creatively express my thoughts to pull an idea or a path through that there. Sometimes it’s worth reading, sometimes it’s not worth reading. But the power of repeating it every single day is just phenomenal. And I learned this in the temple, you know, in the in the ashram, we had to wake up at 3am Every single morning. And the reason I was able to do that was because I was sleeping in a dormitory style room with that the other monks as well who are waking up. And I tell people, a habit needs to break you before it makes you. Which means that you need to stick to it every single day. Whether you like it or not Sunday’s Christmas holidays, whether you’re travelling, whether you’re not travelling, you got to do it every single day to the point that it completely breaks you down before that habit makes you up again. So remember that. So these are the three things that has made a massive difference to me in my life.
David Ralph [49:33]
seems so simple seems so and that’s the best things in life. They are so simple. So what we’re going to do now just to bring the show to an end is give you an opportunity to go back in time and speak to your younger self. And this is the part of the show that we called a sermon on the mic and every guest goes on it. So if you could go back in time and speak to the young Chacao What advice would you just love to give him that would make the biggest difference to as he moved through his own journey, well, we’re gonna play the music. And when it fades, we’ll find out this is the Sermon on the mic
Speaker 5 [50:14]
with the best bit of the show, the Sermon on the mind the sermon on
Shayamal Vallabhjee [50:32]
thank you so much the Sermon on the mic section, the best part of the show. If I had to talk to my younger self, what was the advice I would give him? Well, you know, one of the things that I grew up in an environment, like I said, that was departed, where it was highly discriminatory, you have to work a lot harder than everything else. But it was very hard to find belief and self belief. So the first thing I would tell myself is that every single thing that you sing around here is, is a facade. It’s just been created to make you feel like you’re not worthy. But the truth is, I would remind myself every single day, that everything you want in life is directly proportional to the courage with which you show up every day. So just do it. And don’t judge yourself on what it looks like or what other people say, just show up every single day for yourself, and repeat that same process over and over again. The second skill that I wish I learned, and I would like, my younger self to learn is the difference between saving and investing. I was always thought about saving, taking a little bit of side and putting it into a bank. And the people who have moved on and have rarely and truly learned a lot and created a significant amount of wealth for them to really make the biggest impact in the world with people who learn the power of compounding and compound investing. So it’s a fundamental skill, not so much with wealth creation, but with every single aspect in life. So I would bring that word investing into my vocabulary, far earlier on in life. How do you invest in relationships? How do you invest in your health? How do you invest in things, because an investment means it’s going to pay it forward 10 times more in down the future. So these two things that I’m constantly remind myself, look at every single thing that you do as an investment into the future that will pay itself forward. And bring that into every aspect into your emotional health, your physical health, your financial health, your spiritual health. Look at that, click. And then fundamentally, just believe in yourself and show up for yourself every single day. And if you can do these two things, I think you’ll be you’ll be good.
David Ralph [52:59]
Yeah, I think you will be good as well. So Shamar What’s the number one best way that our audience can connect with you, sir?
Shayamal Vallabhjee [53:07]
They can connect with me on Instagram. It’s at Sharm El Shaya m a l on LinkedIn at shomo voluptuary. That’s the easiest way. And if you want to drop in email, it’s connect with Shamel spelling is Sha YANAL. Connect with charmel@gmail.com.
David Ralph [53:27]
We have over links on the show notes. Shamar. Thank you so much for spending time with us today. Joining up those dots. And please come back again, when you’ve got more dots to join up. Because we believe that by joining up those dots and connecting our past is always the best way to build our futures. Shao. Thank you so much.
Shayamal Vallabhjee [53:45]
Thank you so much, David. It’s an absolute pleasure to be on Join Up Dots.
David Ralph [53:51]
So do you spend time giving yourself a breathing space? Do you subtract before you add? Or do you just keep on adding more and more onto your plate until you you’re just sort of running on fumes just trying to get through a day totally tell you to start looking at what you’re doing. And if most of it is Opp, other people’s problems, then just move back to the side because they will just sort themselves out and you will start to find energy space. And a key thing is clarity. And once you get that clarity and you know where you’re heading, things become quite easy. Until next time, thank you so much. And we’ll be back again. Cheers. See ya. Bye bye.
Outro [54:34]
That’s the end of Join Up Dots. You’ve heard the conversation. Now it’s time for you to start taking massive action. Create your future create your life. Easy only you live God. We’ll be back again real soon. Join Up Dots during the gods Join Up Dots Jonatha I’m Joe Join Up Dots
