Welcome to the Join Up Dots business coaching podcast interview with Stephanie Hester
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Introducing Stephanie Hester
Todays guest joining us on the Join Up Dots podcast interview is Stephanie Hester.
She is a lady who has a mantra in life, and one that has been tested time and time again.
“You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can always control how you respond to what happens to you.”
But that’s ok, if you have mental strength, but what if you are quote on quote a normal person who gets hit by things in life and allow them to rock them on your heels.
You savour the victim mentality and share the story of hardship and mental strife with friends and colleagues.
You go back to your home and play sad music, until you pull yourself together and go again.
But how do you learn the lessons in life, that can help you realise that like our guests mantra you can really control your life and get the better life that you deserve.
How The Dots Joined Up For Stephanie
Well over the last ten years, Stephanie Hester has battled two bouts of chronic illness, a terrible injury that occurred to her daughter, black mold poisoning, financial devastation including the loss of a business and home, and if that isn’t bad enough then she also had to deal with post traumatic stress disorder too.
That is at least one whammy every two years.
But instead of letting it stop her progression forward our guest learnt from these life lessons, and developed the “Choose A Better Life” platform and the Amazon best seller “Choose A Better Life: Common sense For Uncommon Living.
So did she always have the mental strength, or did she go through the classic draw the curtains and hide from the world phase?
Or was it an epiphany that made her scream “I can control what happens to me”
Well let’s bring onto the show to start joining up dots, as we discuss the words of Steve Jobs in todays Free podcast, with the one and only Stephanie Hester.
During the show we discussed such weighty topics with Stephanie Hester such as
How she is building a new platform called “The Remarkable Woman” which will inspire a new generation of women to greatness!
How she would perform seminars and presentations to her cuddly toys in her bedroom, when she was a child
How she went away for a week on her own, and with a piece of paper sat and designed her future life step by step….even though she couldn’t see how the middle bit would work out!
How she believes that we have to learn to let go and not be frightened of losing what we have to truly make leaps forward:
How fear is simply our bodies way of telling us what we should do, and by conquering the fear we can see that it wasn’t too much to be scared off in the first place
How To Connect With Stephanie Hester
If you enjoyed this episode of Join Up Dots then why not listen to some of our favourite podcast episodes such as Ted Yoder, Sean Swarner or the amazing Alfie Best
Or if you prefer just pop over to our podcast archive for thousands of amazing episodes to choose from.
Audio Transcription Of Stephanie Hester Interview
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK, David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:26]
Yes, hello there. Good morning world. How are we all ready for another episode of Join Up Dots? Of course you are. Otherwise you won’t be listening bit of a stupid question really, is Episode 184. Today, and I say this quite a lot, because that there’s a lot of technical issues you have, but this lady should have been on the show a couple of weeks ago. And when we started recording, it sounded like she was in the shower, and I checked with her earlier and she wasn’t it was just bad audio quality. But um, it’s been an image that has stayed with me for a couple of weeks now, it’s been a good one to have in my head. And she’s a fascinating lady because she has a mantra in life and one that has been tested time and time again. You can’t always control what happens to you. But you can always control how you respond to what happens to you powerful stuff. But that’s okay if you have mental strength. But what if you will have quote unquote, a normal person who gets hit by things in life, and allows them to rock them on your heels? You savour the victim mentality, and share the storey of hardship and mental strife with friends and colleagues. It’s kind of more juicy, isn’t it? You then go back to your home and play sad music until you pull yourself together and go again. So how do you learn the lessons in life that can help you realise that like our guest mantra, you can really control your life and get the better life that you deserve? What over the last 10 years, she has battled two bouts of chronic illness, a terrible injury that occurred to her daughter, black mould poisoning, I don’t even know what that is, I’ll be honest, financial devastation, including the loss of a business and home. And if that isn’t bad enough, and she’s also had to deal with post traumatic stress disorder, too. And now the four of me thinking of her in the shower for two weeks, so that’s not good. That is at least one Whammy every two years. But instead of letting it stop her progression forward, our guest learn from these life lessons and developed the Choose a better life platform. And the Amazon bestseller choose a better life common sense, but uncommon living book, but she wrote, and she’s got a new platform coming out soon, which we’re going to talk about on the show. So she’s got so much going on in her life. The questions are did she always have the mental strength? Or did she have to go through the classic draw the curtains and hide from the world face? Or was it an epiphany that made her scream? I can control what happens to me. Well, let’s find out as we bring on to the show to start Join Up Dots, the one and only Stephanie Hester, how are you, Stephanie?
Stephanie Hester [2:42]
Hey, I am fantastic, David, thank you. And you know, I’m going to play that intro over and over again, every day I’m having a bad day. I’m just gonna listen to what you just said.
David Ralph [2:51]
No, yeah. Well, because there’s that bit about I’m talking about you being naked, and you’re just blush. And I probably will. Yeah, you will zip through that. So we Yeah, it was it was terrible sound Wasn’t it a couple of weeks ago, we just couldn’t get it going at all.
Stephanie Hester [3:05]
It was horrible. And it was all on me. I must say my ignorance with technology got in the way?
David Ralph [3:12]
Well, but that’s what technology sport, I think technology should allow for ignorance in it. You know, I was having a conversation with a chap a moment ago who was a big sort of cheese in it land. And I was saying to him, why is it that every time I get an update to my computer programme, it’s harder to use when the time before. And now I actually have to go off into the corners of my screen to get things to do stuff. They’re not even in front of me. Now. That’s madness, isn’t it? It should be that the ignorance are catered for.
Stephanie Hester [3:40]
You know, you would think you would think with all of those, you know, technology for dummies books, you think when people created things, they would have gotten the clue that most of us aren’t really that savvy.
David Ralph [3:51]
And we don’t want to be savvy do we really know. You know, you just want to press the button, it all comes up. And there’s like big buttons in front of you. I heard this programme on the radio yesterday. And I was saying in China, the most popular mobile phones now are huge, great ones. We have huge big buttons, but old people. And they can just press them and there’s nothing. It’s basically just the phone again. But there’s no apps on there. It doesn’t tell the time it doesn’t do anything. It’s just big buttons. That’s what I want in my life. Definitely. I want big buttons everywhere.
Stephanie Hester [4:26]
Exactly. Big clear. Push me Don’t push this would be great.
David Ralph [4:29]
Absolutely. That’s how life is. So you have got a lot going on at the moment, haven’t you I want to want to start with first of all, is your new platform because I know it’s hot off the press. And it’s doing the kind of building stage but tell us about it. Because I think it’s a good segue into the sort of steps the Join Up Dots timeline that has led to it.
Stephanie Hester [4:50]
Thank you. Yeah, I am really, really excited. And it is in the infancy stages. So I’m just now kind of going public with it. It’s an organisation, it’s going to be a nonprofit, that’s called the remarkable woman. And the premise behind it is that we as women, and I know this is true of men too. But as a gentleman told me last night, men won’t admit it as readily as women will. But you know, we as women tend to let everything around us define us, you know, our families, if we’re, if we have kids, it’s our kids. It’s our jobs, it’s our finances, to our parents, it’s all these kind of expectations. And in the process of doing that, we really kind of lose who we are, we lose our value and really struggle with our self worth. And so the remarkable woman is all about teaching women, that they are incredibly valuable, that they are remarkable. And the definition of remarkable is that they’re worthy of being noticed. And I think as women once we realise that it’s nothing that we do that it’s just an inherent gift that we’re given that we are remarkable, then all of a sudden, we can live in kind of this space of freedom where we don’t have to judge people, we don’t have to judge ourselves. We can really accept our our backgrounds and our challenges and then figure out what do we want to do with the rest of our life?
David Ralph [6:07]
It is a weird thing, though, isn’t it? You know, we’ve women in that, and I take your point, totally I agree with this. Because once you get married, you suddenly become Chuck’s wife. And then once you have to age, you become so and so’s mum. And it doesn’t seem to apply. I’ve got kids, I’ve got five kids, and I seem to remain who I am. But my wife plays the kind of part that is somebody else’s identity that she’s taken on.
Stephanie Hester [6:32]
Exactly. And you know, this kind of relating funny with that we we have two dogs or had two dogs and our neighbours would come by and say oh, you’re Harley’s mom, or your mom like Okay, so now I’ve been relegated to the dogs mom. But yeah, it is we we very much are classified and identified by the things in our life, not who we are.
David Ralph [6:54]
So how is the remarkable woman platform going to work? How is it going to support ladies out Babbitt need this kind of thing,
Stephanie Hester [7:02]
what we’re going to start with a seminar format, so that we can kind of bring in a little bit larger numbers and start with a series of seminars that the first one basically is going to help women just even understand, get them grounded, let’s go back to the basics and understand that, that you are remarkable. And then move them through the stage of accepting that. And so once they really start to accept that and believe it, then kind of open things up to them and say, Okay, so now take action. If you are worthy, what would you do? How would you change your life? And all of a sudden, when helping women kind of get to that back to the root of their passions? What are they passionate about? Not? Not what are their kids or their husband or, or even their job? I mean, this is true for women who work outside of the home or inside the home. But what is it that really drives them? And then to say, Okay, now pursue it. So I will have avenues and break it all the way down into action retreats after the big seminars, where women will come down, and we’ll say, Okay, if you want to start a business, let’s give you some tools, let’s work on a business plan, let’s work on a marketing plan, let’s work on kind of your image and how you want your company to be formed. What image do you want your company? You know, if somebody wants to go to work in the corporate world? Great. Well, how do you do that? How do you make that transition? Or if they want to coordinate volunteers in their community? Fantastic, how do you do that, but it’s really giving them the tools, and then aligning them with people who can help them.
David Ralph [8:30]
So you’re kind of the perfect person really, because you have had such a wide range of experiences in your life, pretty much whatever these ladies come up with, you would have an answer for when you because you, you know that list that I was going through covers most of the things that the ladies coming to you will probably be experiencing.
Stephanie Hester [8:51]
Yeah, I don’t know if I have necessarily all the answers, but I definitely have had an eclectic experience and eclectic background for sure. And I have Connexions that I can you know, avenues to help direct women. So if I don’t have answers, I will have partners. And that’s a big part of as I’m forming this or strategic partnerships with people who can come in and help these women get going, you know, and and build support groups for them. I want women to depend on each other. So they as they’re forming their business, or whatever it is they’re pursuing, they can encourage each other. So they can kind of progress together and you know, just get that momentum going.
David Ralph [9:29]
Well, I think he’s going to be a huge success. You know, I think there’s a need out there. And I’ve spoken to many ladies who have got similar kind of platforms across the world, and may have been shocked by the the success of their own dreams, I suppose. And you’ve got a dream and a passion to take this forward. And I think it is going to be a huge success. So do you think you’re in the right place in your life now to go on to the next level?
Stephanie Hester [9:56]
Oh, I absolutely do. I am really, really excited. You know, I I’ve tried different things throughout the years. And everything from I was the vice president of an outplacement agency really young in my career and went out and consulted on my own. And my husband, Chuck and I had a consulting business. And then I’ve done team building and speaking and, you know, like said all sorts of kind of eclectic things, and always kind of felt like the shoe didn’t fit perfectly, you know, there was always kind of the striving, trying to figure out where do all these pieces fit in. And knowing that my passion was for women, and then for giving back, but again, just not really sure how it fit. And now I can kind of see this, this journey that I’ve been on, I can see where all of this connects. And all of this kind of feeds into the remarkable woman. And I’m at a place in my life, where with even all the personal stuff and the trauma and everything we’ve been through I’m I’m at a point where I can say, okay, yes, this is what’s truly important to me. And this is what I’m going to pursue. And it makes sense. Finally, I can kind of look back and see where all these kinds of strange, unrelated events in my life, all finally makes sense.
David Ralph [11:04]
Well, that’s what we do on a daily basis on Join Up Dots. So we’re going to do that now. Hey, that’s what I like to do. So let’s take you right back in time. So the little Stephanie, I’m always fascinated about the sort of the childhood because obviously, that is our formative years. And that’s what makes us in so many regards who we are now it’s just that most of us we forget that and we go off on the wrong path somewhere along the line. So can you remember the things that you love doing when you as a small child, and you’d come home from school each day?
Stephanie Hester [11:35]
Well, yeah, you know, I am. I don’t have a tonne of memories of when I was real little. But what I do remember, is lining up all of my stuffed animals I was a big wasn’t a doll fan, much to my mother’s chagrin. But I did love my stuffed animals. And so I’d kind of line them all up. And I would teach, I couldn’t tell you what I would teach. But I had my audience. And so I would teach her and I would perform, I love to dance and put on little skits. And so I always kind of had this built in family and my my stuffed animals that I took with me. And you know, they couldn’t talk back. So they had to listen. And then I’d pretend they all applauded. And it was fantastic.
David Ralph [12:14]
So you were doing kind of cuddly toys, seminars, even as a small child.
Unknown Speaker [12:19]
David Ralph [12:21]
Basic clue for you in there, what you’re doing. Now, you should look back on there and say, just getting the people to dress up as teddy bears. You’d be Hawaii instantly.
Stephanie Hester [12:31]
That’s it. I don’t know how many people would attend. or they’d be the kind of people that, you know, I would be excited to be up in front of if they were dressing up in animal costumes. But you know, you never know.
David Ralph [12:41]
Did you know what they’re called? I saw a programme on his I didn’t expect to be talking about this. I think I think they’re called Furies and pieces. Seriously, seriously, and you don’t expect to get this on a show like this. But yeah, but they dress up as animals in like cuddly bear outfits. And I go to conferences, and walk and a lie in heaps, and I stroke each other. And I wear a costume. So there’s no like, my skin be in touch. And I’m sure when when you finish this, Google it. And I think they’re called furries or Pharisees or something. But yeah, there’s a big place for people dressing up as as animals.
Stephanie Hester [13:17]
Wow. Well, bless them, I guess.
David Ralph [13:20]
You know, when you’re in bed tonight, and your husband says, you know, what did you talk about? You won’t remember any of it. Except
Stephanie Hester [13:26]
that I will. I’m gonna say hey, here, there’s this great bear costume. Ya gotta go check it out.
David Ralph [13:32]
There you go. So so you start off with the kind of the seminar? And do you remember the sort of what the real life was at school was, were you on a path when you were younger? Or were you on the classic journey that most of us had, which was just not really a clue of what we wanted to do, until we ended up into something.
Stephanie Hester [13:52]
I had wanted to be a veterinarian, which goes along with all my furry friends. For years, that’s what I thought I wanted do. And I think for me, a lot of that was because that’s where I kind of felt accepted. And we had dogs growing up. And that’s where I felt the most comfortable was with animals. It sounds kind of odd. But you know, animals just give you this kind of unconditional love all the time. And so I think that’s why the whole veterinarian thing got stuck in my head. And but that changed once I realised you have to give shots and take temperatures and I didn’t want to do any of that. stuff, kind of after that realisation. I didn’t know really what I wanted to do until probably the end of high school, maybe going into college. And I at that point, all I knew was I wanted to be in business. But I didn’t know what that meant. You know, I just knew I wanted to go kind of into corporate america and try that avenue. But I again, I didn’t really know what that looked like,
David Ralph [14:59]
will you you’re lonely child it sounds like your your fascination with furry animals in and live animals and anything other than humans? Well, you
Stephanie Hester [15:09]
know, I wouldn’t I had a lot of friends and I had a lot of friends. As long as I could be the boss. You know, I like to, I like to we make up these. I don’t know, whatever strange games kids make up with their imagination. And as long as I could kind of be the boss and be in control. I really enjoyed that. But you know, wasn’t I guess it wasn’t so much that I was lonely. I just was very insecure. And didn’t really interest really I don’t think was really comfortable with myself.
David Ralph [15:40]
But But I said that’s a natural state of it there isn’t it? You know, you when you look back, there’s there’s levels and there’s plateaus you go through and there is the experiences that make it is almost like you’re a statue a big block. And then over the years bits get chipped off, chipped up, tipped off until you actually see what you’re supposed to be.
Stephanie Hester [16:00]
Yeah, yeah, and I am, you know. And looking back, I can see where I was, I was tossed around a lot, just I mean, emotionally, as far as, you know, somebody would say they have an expectation of me, and I’d sway in that direction. Or they would say, you know, somebody say, hey, you’d make a great lawyer. So okay, let me think about law for a little while, or, you know, whatever it was, I was just very, I was very pliable. I think because I was trying to please people, and I was trying to get that approval. And so that’s it wasn’t until adulthood that I could go, Oh, wait a minute. What do I What am I really good at I you know, what is it that I like to do? And what do I want to pursue? And that’s part of over time, where the remarkable woman has come from for me, as I’ve kind of weeded out everybody else’s expectations and kind of gotten to the root of me, as opposed to what I just went along with.
David Ralph [16:57]
And how did you do that? Because I know some people, I sat down with a bit of paper and actually gone, who am I? What do I want and actually sort of written it out as statements? How did you actually decide the path that you should be on because I think this is really fascinating for our listeners out there that come to us in droves thousands daily, because they’re having those same dialogues every day, when they’re going on the train, they’re going on the on the bus, whatever. And they’re thinking, oh, there’s going to be more to life and misery is not really what I want to be doing. But they can’t quite actually put it into words or feeling is what they should be doing. So how did you do that?
Stephanie Hester [17:33]
For me, what I did is I went away by myself, I try with at least once a year to take a week away by myself, where I just take whatever I need my laptop, a journal, a pen, paper, whatever. And just spend a week by myself, I usually call my husband when I get to my destination and say, Hey, I’m here. And I’ll call you when I’m headed home. And that’s kind of the only contact I have. Our agreement has always been as the kids were growing up that I trust him to take care of the kids and he trusts me to be safe. And I just go and take this time for me. And one of those trips, I went away with that intention of saying, Okay, what do I want to be when I grow up? You know, I’ve done all these different things. None of them completely resonate with me. I mean, all of them do a little bit. And so I did just what you’re referring to, I sat down with a pad of paper and I started listing out what what am I passionate about? You know, what, what, when I think about doing something, what kind of gets me really excited and kind of gets my engine revved up and what, what did I actually went back to when I was a kid and what did I do as a kid? When I like to play well? How did I play? What did you know? Again, what kind of got me excited? And then I then I also wrote down what things by absolutely not like what do I know about myself, that is not true. You know, I am not good with like, I wouldn’t ever make a good psychologist, for example. Because my, my tolerance, and this is gonna sound really bad. I don’t mean it quite this
David Ralph [19:10]
way. I’m gonna like it already. I just, this is what I’m waiting for.
Stephanie Hester [19:15]
My tolerance for victims. And the row is me is very short. I just and again, it kind of goes back to my mantra. I feel like you know what, we all have a lot of junk that comes into our lives. And we do and not that it’s not radically serious or radically life changing. But okay, we all have a storey. So what are you going to do with it? Don’t sit and wallow in it, what are you going to do with it? So I know where I’m not good. So what are the areas where I feel like I have some talent? And then I made a list of Okay, so what are my experiences? What are things that I’ve done? Do I see commonalities here? Do I see things I can pull together? And I took all that said, Okay, so what I want to be when I grow up, you know, what do I want to do for the rest of my life? figure that out someone and then said, Okay, so let me make a plan to get there. And so one of the things I did to start getting towards the remarkable woman, even though I didn’t know, that’s what it was going to be named at the time. This was a few years ago, as I said, Okay, well, I know I like working with lemon. You know, I know, I like speaking. And I know, I like team building. So I started continuing, I thought, okay, team building keeps me up in front of people. And it kind of keeps that, that engine oiled. So I kept doing team building and kind of the corporate environment. And that enabled me to start meeting more and more women, and just kind of talking to them and learning their storeys. And so as I did this over time, it really just started to come together for me, but I did sit down with that pen and paper and say, Okay, what do I have? What do I have to offer? What have I done? You know, where do I want to go, and let me figure out how to get there.
David Ralph [20:52]
I think that’s absolutely the right way to do it. And that’s how I coach people, you know, we’re just trapped in a life that we can’t see the wood for the trees. And I always say some get a bit of paper and is it might take two weeks, it might take a month, you’re not going to do it in 15 minutes. But write down everything that you don’t like about your life at the moment. And then in the middle bit everything you do like about your life. And then try to get a third column where you can look at the skills that you naturally do that that’s easy for you and the stuff that can be transferred into income. And it’s that third column, which is the gold, but it’s the mental aspect where because you can do it so easily you feel like everybody else can and you can’t charge for it. And that is where I try to get them to sort of move into that area. So I think I think you did absolutely right when you weeks away. And then the next week away you do, you could go to a conference, get get yourself a costume.
Stephanie Hester [21:48]
That’s it, and just blend right in. And I’ll just I’ll be in my happy little place.
David Ralph [21:52]
Absolutely laying in a heap with people just stroking you as your as you’re on your laptop. What a bizarre image status.
Stephanie Hester [21:58]
I was just gonna say what else horrible thing to think about? Yes, don’t
David Ralph [22:01]
don’t go. You can tell it’s my last show of the day, I’m starting to lose the plot somewhere. I don’t know what’s happening to me. So so you’re in a hotel room and your husband’s looking after your daughter? And you’ve come out with this plan? And did you kind of look at it and kind of go, yeah, there’s an absolute path there? Or was it something that you kept on picking up picking up picking up over a period of time and thinking, Oh, almost like frosted glass where occasionally you can see through it. But then other times it’s misty again, until your true path come out?
Stephanie Hester [22:35]
Yeah, I definitely think it was the misty glass. You know, I knew I had a very clear picture of where I wanted to end up. And I had a Well, again, not knowing what it was named, but in essence, where I wanted to end up and I had a clear picture of where I needed to start. But the middle was very vague. And, you know, I just thought, Well, if I wait until the middle is clearly defined, it’ll not ever happened. Because you know, it’s a journey. I mean, as I started out, things changed. And I could kind of tweak my ideas a little bit and refine them and figure out where maybe I needed to get a little bit of education and where I needed to glean from other people some wisdom, and you know, so that all refined me as I went. But I did have a starting place. And I committed to starting in fact, that weekend I had right before I left by our week, right before I left, I emailed my husband and a girlfriend and said, This is what I’m doing hold me accountable,
David Ralph [23:32]
which is another great thing as well. Isn’t it having somebody that you can actually say, if I haven’t done it by next Sunday, Ben, Ben go for me, really, because otherwise one day will drift into another and then another. And it’s true, what you’re saying that that middle ground? That is the difficult bit, isn’t it? People can see what they want to achieve in life. But and most of the time, they will see what they want to achieve in life because I can see somebody else who’s doing it and it looks great. And it looks like it’s gonna be fun and whatever. But my almost convinced themselves and that person had an easy path. And your one’s gonna be too hard.
Stephanie Hester [24:07]
Right, right. And, you know, once you start, it can become overwhelming. I mean, you know, it’s the idea of creating something from nothing can be incredibly overwhelming. But it’s, it’s I think it’s a phrase that my husband uses all the time, I’m sure it’s a standard phrase is, you know, you eat an elephant one bite at a time. You know, you just you’ve got to start, you’ve got to take that first step. Because if you let yourself become overwhelmed, you’ll freeze up and stop, and you won’t go any further. And then in a year from now, you’re going to be in the same place you are today. If you’re not taking the steps and moving forward.
David Ralph [24:41]
Well, that’s probably one of our speeches that we like to play on the show because he emphasises what we’re talking about. Now you you found your thing, you found your passion, but you took a risk. Mr. Jim Carrey,
Jim Carrey [24:51]
my father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. And when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.
David Ralph [25:18]
I love that. I really do love it.
Stephanie Hester [25:21]
Yeah, me too. Me too. Yeah, I had a girlfriend Once there was a bit of a different context. I was losing weight and getting healthy at the time. And her statement to me was, you know what, Stephanie? Six months is going to go by regardless of what you do. But where do you want to be at the end of that six months? Do you want to be in a different place than where you are now? And that really resonated with me, I thought, you know, it’s so true, because time passes, regardless, you know, and as Jim Carrey just said, you know, if you’re not taking risks, and pursuing what you want, you can fail at what you don’t want.
David Ralph [25:55]
Well, is that scary? As you sit there now? Shame yourself. You might be lying, having grapes dropped in your mouth or whatever, I got no idea. But um, is that a scary thought, but you might end up at the end of your days, and you haven’t taken that chance?
Stephanie Hester [26:11]
Oh, terrifying. To me, it’s terrifying. I can’t. I can’t imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, I didn’t make a difference. I didn’t at least try to make a difference. And to me that would be failing is if I didn’t try, you know, if I try and it doesn’t work, and then if I revamp it and try again, and it doesn’t work, at least I know, I’m, I’m pursuing what I what I feel like I should be doing what I feel like I’m called to be doing and their satisfaction and that the the fear of, of getting to the end of my life and not having at least tried is that to me is overwhelming.
David Ralph [26:52]
My fear is not so much of that is the fact that I leave and nobody knows I’ve been here, that man that terrifies me, but I can spend 80 years, 100 years, whatever, probably 200 years because by you know, some kind of technology will come along and make us into terminators. I mean, I will be here forever in a day. But I’m just the fact that you could actually leave and no one knows you’re here. And I that that terrifies me.
Unknown Speaker [27:19]
Yeah. Yeah, it’s, um, it’s definitely not a good feeling.
David Ralph [27:26]
It’s not but so many people out there. You know, I speak to them in pubs. And I go, I go back to my old work colleagues. And I say to them, you know, you know, how’s it going? And I kind of go, yeah, yeah. So I and I go, last time I spoke to you, you were planning to do so. And so? Yeah, well, it’s not quite the right time at the moment. And I don’t want to get harsh with him. But I kind of think you said that last time. And that was three months ago, you know, when is it going to be the right time to actually to make that movement, there’s the right time never comes up, it’s always going to have something to hold you in place. And that is just your body going. I’m scared. Simply homes. Good
Stephanie Hester [28:01]
example, as the the fear. You know, it’s the fear of the unknown, when I used to run an outplacement agency, and we’d have CEOs and C level executives who got laid off, you know, who’d been in careers in the same company for 15 years, they were terrified to move. And they found it was really hard to get them out of the unemployment loop, because they got comfortable in their misery. You know, and the fear of the unknown kept them where they were.
David Ralph [28:28]
The amazing thing with fear, most definitely, it does surprise you, people who haven’t made that first step will be scared, and they’ll be scared of going into the unknown. But I’ve been speaking to people, I spoke to somebody this morning, who is a big CEO in New York, very, very successful. And he said to me, literally every day, I’m scared, because I don’t know what I’m doing. I am running this company, but because it’s a new company. We’re always going into the unknown, and I want to make the right decisions. And he’s scared as well. And I’m scared and everyone’s scared. And most of it is unfounded. Because you really, if you put your head down, put your blinkers on and start working towards something. You kind of got Oh, hang on. I’m just past that scary bit. Oh, that wasn’t too bad. There’s another scary bit and you just keep on working, working, working working, don’t you?
Stephanie Hester [29:16]
Yeah, yeah. And I agree, I think we’re all scared. I mean, as I delve into the remarkable woman, you know, every new step, there’s that that pit of my stomach feeling. And I think, Okay, take a deep breath. This is surmountable. You made it this far, you can do the next one, you know, look back and see what you’ve accomplished. And then look forward and take a step.
David Ralph [29:37]
When you wrote that book, choose a better life platform. That’s obviously a scary thing, just the thought of you’re putting your time into a book and putting it into Amazon and nobody will buy and whatever. It went on to become a best seller, which is great. But it was common sense but uncommon living and I I’ve been looking at that phrase since I’ve been talking to you because it’s right on my screen. What what you mean by that common sense, but uncommon living?
Stephanie Hester [30:04]
Well, I think there are things in life that, that when you have a conversation with somebody and you give share a bit of wisdom, they go Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. But they never act on it. And so you know, the book was written and just real kind of basic terms, they’re all really short, like four page chapters, little snack on tidbits of treasure, or somebody can get in, read something in 10 minutes and get out and feel like they’ve been encouraged. And so they’re all there’s, there’s nothing really in the book, I don’t think that’s a, you know, you wouldn’t read and go, Oh, my gosh, that’s so profound. But you read it and go, Oh, yeah, that makes sense, I need to implement that. And so when you implement these kind of common sense, sort of things, your life tends to be revolutionised, the, if I can use that, you know, strong of a term, but your life has changed, because all of a sudden, your thinking is changed. And then your quality of life has changed. And all of a sudden, you start to feel like I have choices, you know, I can choose to react one way or the other, depending on how I feel like I want to respond. And so that’s kind of that’s, that’s what I mean by that isn’t, is again, none of it is, you know, this earth shattering wisdom, but it’s all stuff that can change your life. If you implement those steps,
David Ralph [31:20]
I can see that from the common sense point of view, but the uncommon living. So that’s the interesting part for me.
Stephanie Hester [31:29]
Well, I think it goes back to kind of what we were saying a little bit, with people being afraid and afraid to take a step or afraid to make a change. I think in the same sense, a lot of people live life, kind of grumpily You know, they’re, they’re afraid to really enjoy life or afraid to really feel, you know, we have all these vices that we kind of use to numb ourselves. So we don’t have to really feel things. And I think in that process of not feeling things, we really mute our life. And that becomes the norm. So I think uncommon living is when you start to really enjoy life, and feel the bad things as well as the good things. Because when you can experience the bad, you appreciate the good so much more.
David Ralph [32:13]
I think that is absolutely spot on. It really is, you know, if I now would imagine a life of pure contentment as just boring. Now, I’m doing this. And every day, I don’t know if it’s going to go well, if my audience speakers are going to disappear. If I’m going to connect with somebody, and we have a terrible show. And it’s just constantly pushing against something pushing against someone. I mean, it’s tiring, you know, running a business is really, really tiring. And I I’m exhausted most of the time. I haven’t watched Telly in weeks, because if I do, I only see about 30 seconds of it, and I’ve gone to sleep. So I might as well just be working all the time. But I think if I was just going nine to five like I used to, I think it would be so bored. Now, I think is that that vibrancy is struggle. It’s that believing that you are just around the corner for something great. And you get around the corner and you actually own your brand, another corner, but you keep on working towards it working towards it. I think that’s huge. The fan and I think that’s what so many people are lacking in life nowadays, don’t you?
Stephanie Hester [33:16]
I absolutely do. I am hearing talking reminds me I’ve I’m afraid of heights. But I’ve done a couple of things to really challenge that fear. And once I was really blessed with the opportunity to climb to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and Australia. And the view from up there was just phenomenal. And to think that I I would have missed out on that experience because of fear, you know that I just was afraid to do it. But the other thing is you were talking I was thinking I’ve I’ve been fortunate enough to go skydiving a couple of times. And, you know, going up in the plane, I was the last person out of the plane, me and my instructor that I was tethered to and I almost didn’t go because I was I mean I thought I was going to pass out, I was so terrified. And he kind of got that impression, you know, because they count. I don’t know if you’ve ever jumped out of a plane, but they count to three and you rock and on number three, they throw you out. Or you jump out in my case, he threw me out on number two, because I think he got the sense that I was starting to chicken out and I wasn’t going to do it. But the reward of doing that was so amazing. I mean this, it was the most incredible experience. I think that one of the most anyway that I’ve ever had. Because it was peaceful. Once you get through the first initial rush, and your parachute deploys, it’s quiet and it’s peaceful, and the whole world is calm. And you get down and you have just the sense of, oh my gosh, if I can do this, I can do anything. And I think you can get that you don’t have to be an adrenaline junkie, a junkie to get that. But you know, you can get that same kind of feeling of accomplishment from feeling life and living life. You know, just like we’re saying that the fear and the good and the bad, you get that same sort of sense of just all over what you’re going through and how wonderful it can all be.
David Ralph [35:15]
I was having a rant in an episode a little while ago, actually probably be a couple of shows ago, I think about jumping out of an aeroplane and I was saying to the chap, I don’t get it, I just don’t get what anyone wants to jump out of an aeroplane. It’s, I’ve been on thousands of planes I’ve always landed. And for my understanding if they’re going down, that’s it, you know, you’re not going to jump out anyway. So I don’t see that in any shape, or form the fun aspect of flying yourself out of an aeroplane, wait till it lands and then step out.
Stephanie Hester [35:46]
Now you gotta do it. See, that’s, that’s one reason why I did it because I was terrified of it. And I thought I don’t I not that I ever expect to be in a commercial flight and have to bail out. because like you said, if you’re in a, you know, 747, it’s going down? Well, there’s no jumping out of that anyway. But just the thought of you know, there was something that’s so terrified me, I thought I don’t want to do that I don’t want to be afraid to experience something, because I’m afraid. And like just the the incredible sense of accomplishment of doing something like that. So you, you have to do it. I tell everybody, you’ve got to do it at least once and you do it in a tandem. So if you pass out, you’re still going to make it down fine, because you’ve got an expert strapped to your back who’s going to pull the chute for you. And he’s going to direct you down. So, you know, even even if you can’t do it the person that you’re strapped to will,
David Ralph [36:38]
right, I’m gonna do it. You’ve swung me, I’m now going to do it. Stephanie will do it together, I’ll come across. And as long as you’re dressed like a dog, and I’m dressed like a bear. That would get on the news when it sounds
Stephanie Hester [36:54]
good on the news. Oh, ok. We will plan that. Yeah, I will make that a
David Ralph [36:58]
deal with you. Absolutely. That’s why we’re going to do so. So what does scare you about your future? I think the conversation that we’ve been talking about is overcoming fear a lot because you have overcome so much and you’re constantly moving forward and trying different things. So are you in a kind of nice, comfortable position at the moment? Or does the remarkable woman scare you, but you’re going into something new?
Stephanie Hester [37:22]
Oh, I am scared every day. The remarkable woman does scare me because I’m so I’m so passionate about it. And I still want to see it to come to fruition. And I can see the big picture and I can see, you know, these women’s women whose lives are changed and and there’s also a giveback piece to it. So as these women are changing their own lives, they’re giving back and helping change other people’s lives. And so I can see all of this. But yeah, it terrifies me to think. Okay, so as I’m plodding along here and taking all these steps, what if I make a wrong turn? You know, or, or what if I don’t do something, right, and I have to realise, you know, what, there’s very few mistakes in life, I think that can’t be corrected. So if I make a wrong turn, okay, I’ll just come back, you know, I’m, I’m enlisting people who are much more intelligent than I am, who have done this, and who can, you know, kind of guide me along the way. But ya know, every day, I think, gosh, it would be so much easier to go take a walk around the lake and just not come back and work on it, you know, would be so much easier to turn on the TV and not have to face it. But that’s that, that won’t get me the result that I want. And that will impact the lives that I want to help change. And so yeah, I definitely, definitely get scared. And part of that, honestly, is, you know, I have PTSD, and I was diagnosed with it about a year ago. And so that impacts the way that my brain functions. And it, that scares me a little bit because I used to, I kind of be I don’t know what the word is, but people used to really talk about how quick my brain was, you know, and how I could absorb information. And I could, I could very quickly come to answers and conclusions. And because of the PTSD, I don’t operate quite in the same realm. And, and that’s scary, you know, I think, gosh, what if I get some place and my brain doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to work.
David Ralph [39:26]
But as you said, you would deal with that, when you you know, you will find a different way of doing it.
Stephanie Hester [39:32]
Exactly. And then I have I mean, I’ve had to find all sorts of different kind of self management tools to help me just live life daily. And then to help me through this process. And, you know, for example, one of the things that with PTSD, that’s really hard for me is being in which, as a speaker, this is kind of ironic, but being in a very crowded space that’s really loud for any length of time. You know, I can do it for short bursts. But for long periods of time, it’s it becomes a challenge. And I’ve been to two events back to back the last two nights. And last night was actually an event celebrating social entrepreneurs. And so I was there as a guest and just talking to people and there was a point I thought, okay, I can feel that this is becoming a bit overwhelming for me, I mean, I can just feel with the new way my brain operates that I need to somehow take a break. And so, you know, just being aware of that I was able to step outside for a few minutes, go on the quiet Calm down, say, Okay, let’s pull it back together. And you know, we can kind of go on with the night. So you adapt, you know, you’re just you those things that I think those mistakes we make are things that are different, I think we just have to learn how to adapt.
David Ralph [40:44]
Absolutely. Steve Jobs said that very well back in 2005. And play these words in a moment, because literally what you’re saying what he says is no experience is wasted, even though you can’t see at a time. And it’s that ability to have hope and faith and just keep moving forward. Even if you’re off the well worn path that will ultimately bring you success, fingers crossed. So this is Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [41:08]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future, you have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [41:43]
True to you.
Stephanie Hester [41:44]
Very true. Very, very true.
Yeah, and I’m really thankful that then it isn’t looking back that I can see nothing has been wasted, you know, all of the all of the challenges and all of the things that the moment were completely devastating and totally rocked my world, I can look at them now and say there’s a purpose, at least I can see part of I may not see the whole purpose yet. But you know, I can see that it’s moulded me into who I am, it makes me a little more relatable, it makes me able to understand people a little bit better and understand their challenges and, and have at least a little bit of more more empathy than I used to have. And it just it provides me avenues to reach people that otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to reach.
David Ralph [42:33]
People don’t realise the strength they’ve got inside them today. You know, a lot of the things that that hold people in place is that they are comfortable. And if you took that away, that there was an old song, who sang it Janis Joplin, I think me and Bobby McGee. And then there was a line in it that always used to resonate with me. And it was freedoms, just another word for nothing left to lose or something like that. And I used to think, yeah, imagine, imagine you had nothing, and suddenly everything was gone. And you could literally just go where you want, you probably would, and you would just take chances, and you would take risk. But because we get to a point where we feel that we’re going to lose it all, we just hold on to what we’ve got. But actually, by keeping what we’ve got and working clever and working around it, and especially with the internet, now we’ve got opportunities to create businesses at night after work. At lunchtime, I created literally everything I’m doing now at work during lunchtime, I used to sit there with a laptop every lunchtime, planning things out. And so when I left, it wasn’t really a leap of faith, it was a slider faith, but it is that that desire to just keep what we’ve got, which is the killer, isn’t it?
Stephanie Hester [43:43]
Yeah, it is, it is, you know, we talked about having to hold on to things loosely. And one of the, I say I have a lot of gifts from PTSD. And, and I know that that’s hard for people to stomach. But to me, one of the great gifts of getting PT yesterday was at an essence of wiped me out, you know, it took all of these things that I had held on to and that I had pride in and kind of destroyed them. You know, again, the way my brain functions, you know, there was a period where I couldn’t remember anybody’s name. And I couldn’t. I mean, I couldn’t remember if I, if I had just set a glass down where I said it or I mean, in even, you know, kind of deeper, just the way I operated, I felt like it just totally wiped out my personality. And that to me was kind of a wake up call again of saying, Okay, so what do you want to do? I mean, who do you want to be? Or do you want to continue, you know, down this road and pursuing what your passion and dream is, and really go after it full bore? Or do you want to play it safe? and realising that playing it safe? You know, it playing like in that Jim Carrey clip, it doesn’t matter? Because you’re going to at some point, you’re going to lose all of that. So
yeah, I mean, it just it.
It’s just that encouragement to keep going into and you said to live in that freedom of saying, you know, what, what is it? What am I created to do? What should I be doing? And let me go after that.
David Ralph [45:16]
And what I say to the listeners time and time again, it doesn’t have to be a risk. You know, if you just work clever, you can move into that position. I hate that phrase leap of faith, because it just sounds like you punch your boss in the face and you walk out and go, Oh, what am I going to do with my life. And I couldn’t do that, because I’ve got responsibilities and you know, mortgage and all that kind of stuff that people have. So I had to transition. And I’m still in the transition stage now. And I imagine I will be for the next two or three years, you know, working on this, but it’s something that fulfils me. And I get more feedback about this than anything I’ve done, certainly from people I used to work for, and work with. And they contact me and I’ve been listening to this show and I’ve been listening to. And I know it’s touching a nerve, which means it’s worth doing. But I’m doing that transition to get to where I ultimately want to be.
Stephanie Hester [46:10]
Well, and I think you know it, life is a journey anyway. Yeah, I think we need to be cautious of ever feeling like we’ve truly arrived. Because, you know, I think we always need to be learning and growing and adapting and being willing to tweak and, you know, just to continue to pursue the best that that we can with whatever we’re going after. So yeah, I think that that it probably will be a transition. I mean, I would imagine in a couple of years, you’ll be in much more comfortable with where you are just like I will be with a remarkable woman. But I think that there will always be or there always should be that element and that sense of Okay, kind of what’s next, you know, how can I add value to this? How can I grow this?
David Ralph [46:59]
So two questions, just before I send you back in time on the Sermon on the mic. The first one is, have you got a big dog in your life? When you look back on the Join Up Dots timeline? Is there one that you go Yes, without that I would not be who I am.
Stephanie Hester [47:19]
I’m not sure that there is
one major dot, I think that it’s just kind of been this progression of I just got this crazy visual, I don’t know if you have the show wipe out. Okay, it’s this crazy show that’s adapted. I think it’s adapted from a Japanese show. But part of its an obstacle course made up of all these insane silly things. And part of the obstacle courses, you have to jump, they call them the big balls, you jump from these big red. I mean, we’re probably talking 10 feet across, like playground balls from one to the next. And that’s what I’m thinking, you know, when I look back on the dots of my life, I mean, it just kind of seems like it’s jumping from one to the next to the next. You know, and one is a springboard to the next one. So I don’t know if I can say there’s one major dot, that kind of changed everything for me, I you know, I’ve had a lot of, and you alluded to this in the beginning, but a lot of trauma. And I think each time I go through one of these periods of trauma, it kind of
it just makes me that much more determined.
David Ralph [48:29]
I like that analogy about the Big Red Bulls. And I can see that in my head as well. And what I like about it is when most people leap, they don’t know if they can cling on or balance or whatever, but they still leap but don’t know. And then they do the next one. And every now and again, somebody just runs across, which is amazing. But generally you will jump on it and just bounce off. But they’ve still done it, they’ve still given it a go. And I think that’s a good metaphor for life. You don’t know where you can, Elaine, but unless you jump, it’s not gonna happen.
Stephanie Hester [48:58]
Yeah, you’re just going to stand on the platform and watch it go by.
David Ralph [49:02]
I’m going to call it join up both From now on, I’m going to
Stephanie Hester [49:05]
shiny and more. Yeah, you’re gonna have a flood of new listeners.
David Ralph [49:09]
Absolutely. That’s a totally different show. I shouldn’t shouldn’t go there at all. Right? This is the end of the show. And this is the bit that we call the Sermon on the mic. And this is when I send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time, Stephanie and speak to the youngest Stephanie, what age would you choose? And what advice would you give them? Well, I’m going to find out because I’m going to play the tune. And you out. This is the Sermon on the mic.
We go with the best bit of the show.
Stephanie Hester [49:56]
Oh, Stephanie, gosh, you have got so much to learn. I am you I am you from the future. And I know that right now, as you’re kind of finishing up college and transitioning into life. You think you’ve got to have it all figured out. But let me tell you you don’t it is okay to live in the space of I don’t know, you know, you don’t, you don’t have all the answers, you don’t have to pretend that you have all the answers or try to control things. So just relax. Just take a deep breath and just keep going enjoy life. And know that you’re going to be okay, you know, there’s there’s a lot of bumps in the road ahead. But you’re going to be okay, all of those, all of those will pour into who you are and help transform you and make you stronger, make you able to relate to people make you able to understand people and really give you kind of a definition for life. So just hang tight. Take a deep breath and look around and enjoy each and every day because there good and every day.
David Ralph [51:02]
Stephanie, how can our audience connect with you?
Stephanie Hester [51:05]
Um, easy right now my website is called choose a better life. So it’s just choose a better life calm. And you can email me either through the site or its Stephanie at choose a better life calm.
David Ralph [51:17]
Well, I’ve absolutely loved having you on the show. And thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining those dots. Please come back again, when you have more dots to join up. Because I do believe that by joining those dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Stephanie Hester, thank you so much.
Stephanie Hester [51:32]
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you are wants to become. So he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to Join Up Dots.com to download this amazing guide for free. And we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.
David Ralph [52:00]
Yes, hello there. Do you know during the show, I was looking through the iTunes reviews that everyone’s left. Oh, I’ve had some amazing ones. Well, every single one is amazing. They’re all five star. Why will they not be five star? Because it’s a five star show. But I haven’t seen one from you. Is it something I’ve said? Is it me? Please tell me? Is it me? Well, if it’s just not oversight, please make amends by going over to iTunes and looking for Join Up Dots with David Ralph. And if you could find a few moments to leave a five star rating and review our will be absolutely amazing. And it will really push my show further up the rankings and make it more of a show that I want to deliver to you on a daily basis. So if you could do that, thank you so much. And I tell you what, I might even come and mow your lawn this Sunday.