Welcome to the Steve Jobs based Join Up Dots Free Podcast with Paula Gosney
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Introducing Paula Gosney
My guest today Join Up Dots free podcast interview is a fascinating lady who has had more than a bit of life’s rubbish thrown in her direction.
In fact the first words you will see when you visit her website are “I smashed myself against the walls of life so often I should have died. I survived, then thrived, and lived to tell the tale.”
In fact her words are so much more powerful than I could write, so in her own words.
“Life threw some pretty nasty curve balls at me as a young woman, sent to boarding school at the age of eleven, never to live at home again and the victim of a serious sexual assault as a teenager; what seemed like an inevitable decline into drugs and alcohol defined most of my 20’s.
I lived a double life, one of a successful young woman (having started the first of many profitable businesses at the age of 21).
The other, a woman in deep pain, relentlessly trashing my body as the worthless object the rape had taught me it was.
I had a burning desire to live and an inexhaustible appetite for self-harm and self-sabotage.
For a decade it was touch and go which side was going to win.
How The Dots Joined Up For Paula
I started reaching for self-help books in my late teens and spent hours with counsellors, trying to find a way through the torment that seemed to be my life.
Each year I would take two steps forward and one back, some years it was three steps back.
I never gave up, I believed it was possible to be happy and whole and have relentlessly pursued this vision for the last thirty years.”
And certainly now it appears that she is fighting back in life and encouraging the world to have the belief that life is there to be lived and savoured.
And with her platform “Belief School” going from strength to strength it appears that she has learnt the greatest lesson of all.
The more you give to the world the more you gain yourself.
So does she look back on her life and is glad that those things happened, as it allows her to connect with more people on a deeply personal level?
And is there a big dot in her life that turned her life around and lead her on the path that she is on today?
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots the one and only Paula Gosney.
During the show we discussed such weighty topics with Paula Gosney such as:
How she is a deeply open and honest person and loves nothing more sharing her good and bad with the world to allow them to believe in themselves.
How she literally found herself in hospital several times, as close to death as is possible, but knowing in her core that she wanted to live…there was more for her to offer the world.
How she feels that there is magic in the air at the moment, and the ability to connect with the world gives us opportunities that we couldn’t have believed just a few years previously.
Why she feels that our children are gaining a gift in their lives by seeing a change in mindset and parenting techniques from generations before.
How To Connect With Paula Gosney
Return To The Top Of Paula Gosney
You can also check our extensive podcast archive by clicking here – enjoy
Full Transcription Of Paula Gosney Interview
David Ralph [0:00]
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When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling in Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK. David Ralph.
David Ralph [0:48]
Yes, hello, everybody and welcome to Join Up Dots. Of course. It’s David Ralph. Of course, it’s coming live from the United Kingdom. But actually Today’s guest is probably The furthest I’ve ever had away from me if you drill a line all the way through the earth, we’re probably going to be almost in touching distance because she is in New Zealand, which means quite simply, but these this show of Join Up Dots is now global. It’s been global for a long time. But when you see actually on the map libre, it that sort of blew your mind. But technology can do such amazing things. And this lady is doing amazing things and some amazing when I heard her story, I thought I’ve got to get her on the show. I’ve got a show where she say yes, and she has done because she’s a fascinating lady who’s had more than a bit of lights rubbish thrown in her direction. In fact, the first words you’ll see when you visit her website, ah, I smashed myself against the walls of life so often I should have died. I survived, then thrived, and live to tell but Tao In fact, a word as so much more powerful than I could write. I generally nicked him so in her own words, live through some pretty nasty curveballs at me as a young woman sent to boarding school at the age of 11. Never to live at home again. And the victim of a serious sexual assault as a teenager what seemed like an inevitable decline into drugs and alcohol, defined most of my 20s I lived a double life. One of the successful young women having started the first of many profitable businesses at the age of 21. The ever a woman in deep pain relentlessly trashing my body as the worthless object the rape had taught me it was bad stuff. Now I had a burning desire. This is still in her words, to live and inexhaustible appetite for self harm and self sabotage. And for a decade it was touching go, which side was going to when I started reaching for self help books in my late teens and spend hours with counsellors trying to find a way through to tallman that seemed to be my life. Each year, I would take two steps forward and one back some years, it was three steps back, but I never gave up. I believed it was possible to be happy and whoa and have relentlessly pursued his vision. But the last 30 years now that’s the end of the show. We don’t need to talk about anything more but I’m gonna have her on because certain Now it appears that she is fighting back in life and encouraging the world to have the belief that life is fair to be lived and save it. And Weber platform beliefs go go from strength to strength, it appears that she’s learned the greatest lesson of all. The more you give to the world, the more you gain yourself, so does she look back on her life and he’s glad that those things happen does it allows her to connect with more people on a deeply personal level. And is there a big.in her life at turned her life around and led on to the path that she’s on today? Well, let’s find out as we bring onto the show to start Join Up Dots with the one and only the furbies woman away from me at this moment. Paula Gosney, how are you Paula?
Paula Gosney [3:37]
I’m great. Thank you, David. Great to be on the show. Just as I was listening to you. I was thinking my gosh, you’ve got a wonderful All Blacks in your country right now soon to be taking the World Cup again. Are you a rugby supporter?
David Ralph [3:51]
No, I don’t watch anything. And I used to be a big football supporter, avid supporter of the mighty and you probably haven’t heard of him Ipswich Town FC. The Tractor Boys, but I found that as I had more and more kids, my interest kind of wavered a bit. But now my son is 13. And he’s now into FIFA 15. And 16 has got a knowledge of football, like an encyclopaedia, and being dragged back into watching live games and things, but now, rugby is not my thing. And to be honest, I’m gonna start with a little criticism. I don’t think that you should come on the show. And the very first thing you should say is build up your country against the host. That’s not a way to build report.
Paula Gosney [4:30]
Oh, I know, Betsy, in New Zealand, we were talking about New Zealand and my patriotism was welling up and that’s the whole thing in New Zealand, every man woman and child is in love with the All Blacks and so the World Cup for us is something that we wait for for four years. And so the literally our country will grind to a halt for six weeks as the World Cup goes on. So I couldn’t help but say it sorry, we do hope to hold it again. I’m
David Ralph [4:56]
sure you will be holding it in your little sweaty New Zealand hands. So I’m sure it’ll be coming back to you. But he is that was an introduction and a half, wasn’t it when I went over to your website, and I have a lot of guests on, but I, I had to scramble around to try to find stuff of depth. But you throw it out on the page, don’t do that. Now, about page on your site is probably the most deep and honest that I’ve seen. Did you mean to do that? Was that part of a master plan? Or did you just get in the flow and just throw the words on and then it started resonating?
Paula Gosney [5:29]
No, it’s actually it’s who I am. And it’s how I’ve been my whole life. And it is. It has caused me much pain often and now I’ve learned to sort of set boundaries around that. But I am a deeply honest and probably fairly open person. And yeah, I don’t have any fear or anything to hide. I don’t. I’ve worked very, very hard not to feel shame or not to look back at anything that’s happened in my life. And other than, you know and feel shame, I’ve wanted to see it as part of the journey and that’s, you know, when I saw your when we were introduced and I saw that the name of your show to me it just resonated so strongly because I look at where I am now and I could not be where I am now without the the craziness that I went through. And at the time, I was just holding on half the time I was literally holding on. But it has made me who I am. It has made me very fearless. It has made me deeply empathetic. When I work with people when I coach people, I there’s nothing that they can say that bothers me or shocks me or frightens me or makes me pull away. I can be right there in the moment with people. And so yeah, that is it’s lovely hearing that from you because that is what I would love to give people I want to create that path by showing my own broken bits so that other people can can it’s a term I call celebrating our broken bits. So people can actually just celebrate all that they are.
David Ralph [7:12]
I love that celebrating my broken bits because he is, as you say, Yeah, Join Up Dots has become something bigger than I expected. When I got the show together. It was a kind of what should I do it on. And so I loosely based around the speech by Steve Jobs, which we will hear later, but it has become so strong and it becomes stronger to me every single day about when I’m going through a struggle, when I’m trying to take the show to the next level, when I’m feeling lost when I’m feeling a loser, really via key moments. But I then look back on in three months, six months time and I think Yeah, because I struggled when I actually learned I managed to push through. Now when you look back at your life, obviously you’ve gone through such a sort of roller coaster. Are there moments that you kind of go Yeah, actually, they’re not My dots, I could quite easily have left them behind. And I’m glad but I could have left them behind, or are they all part of the rich tapestry that has become pulled it gives me?
Paula Gosney [8:11]
Oh, you know, that’s such a good question. And I think, you know, if we look at the little tiny dots, of course, there are little dots where I’ve made choices that have hurt people, or I’ve, you know, set myself up for situations that really were not fabulous. But again, I think if we dwell in there, we can get that feeling of self disappointment and so on. We can it can be, it can be very damaging. Whereas I think they all just really do stream together and as long as as long as we are facing where we want to go, and this is that this was the big turning point for me. And the whole process is rather than focusing on what I didn’t want, rather than focusing on the things that had happened to me or the things that I was creating, which were not good I had to start focusing on the things I did want and turning to face the sun and and not dwelling so much on all of those negative things they are but they are what they are. And you do if you reading further on what I wrote there is one of the things I say is, I truly believe that most of us 99.9% of us are good people doing the best we can with what we have at the time. And that goes for everyone that goes for a short of the psychopaths, you know who really just seemed to be disconnected in some way. We do we do what the best we can with what we have.
Unknown Speaker [9:41]
David Ralph [9:43]
doing the right thing. Don’t worry. I know I know. They’re, you know, keeping a lady in a box under your bed for six isn’t the right way of going and if there’s any psychopaths out there listening, just let them free. They will thank you. Now they still think that they’re doing the right thing. Don’t know the cycle.
Paula Gosney [10:00]
Yeah, but there seems to be some kind of disconnect on that level with these, these, uh, you know, whether there’s some terrible abuse that’s happened to them as children that they don’t seem to be able to have any kind of concept of empathy or whatever. Whereas I think for the vast majority of us, we are actually thinking about other people, we’re thinking about ourselves, but we are trying to do the right thing for the people around us that we care for. And, you know, we’re basing that on the beliefs that we’ve been given. we’re basing that on the knowledge that we have the communication skills that we have all of this, and we just, you know, and we can very easily look at people in judgement and go, gosh, oh my gosh, I can’t believe they did that. But they are making those choices with the the toolbox they have.
David Ralph [10:46]
Now, your toolbox. Is it something that you have to keep on adding more tools in or is it a pretty overflowing toolbox now are you playing to your super talent has it all come together because the tools are in the right position. You know which one to use for a certain job?
Paula Gosney [11:04]
Yes, yes. I mean, I’ve certainly got I hope I will be learning for the rest of my life. I truly intend to spend a lot of my years over the next few decades as my children get older actually seeking out fabulous mentors and learning. But I do feel like I do have a fairly robust toolbox now and I more than anything I can recognise when I’m falling into my old habits I can recognise when I’m doing things which are not serving me and I have strategies now, to stop them to not dwell on them to move past them and something you said in my introduction there about moving that focus from being about me, which is what I call a victim mentality, to focusing on what can I do for others. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through in your life or what life is giving you. You know, some people I mean, my story is kindergarten compared to what some people go through. I think If we can focus outward, and we can think about what can I do here? How can I serve, we get out of our heads and we get out of that victim space, and we can move forward. So that that toolbox, and it’s very much what belief school is about is there’s some very key principles around gratitude and contribution, and understanding our strengths and, and learning to control the negative chatter in our head. Once we start getting a handle on those tools on those strategies, we fundamentally change the way we operate in the world.
David Ralph [12:36]
Well, what was fascinating about that was, you know, I read your introduction, and I’ve gone over your work, and I thought, Oh, my God, oh, my God, this is this is pretty rough stuff. Now you say it’s kindergarten compared to other people. Now I look at my life and it’s Disney compared to kindergarten, you know, I literally live in a fantasy world. I’ve never had anything go wrong. A couple of things, you know, but I look back on it in the greater scheme of things. It doesn’t matter. So how did you get that sort of mental strength to start appreciating? But yes, your rough times were not on the level of others, because when you’re in it, you just think it’s the world’s worst thing, don’t you?
Paula Gosney [13:13]
I think, you know, there was, I guess I believe, even though, you know, these things happened to me. And then I made a decade worth of terrible choices. That I still had a loving family, I still had, you know, my mother is a key part. And the reason I am literally still sucking in oxygen right now. You know, I would not be alive if it wasn’t for her. So I was still loved. And when I say I see a lot of people who aren’t loved for who they are, that they’re not just that it’s conditional love. I see. Because I openly share my story. Every time I’m on stage, or every time I’m speaking to a group or I’m training nearly every time To me afterwards, and just open their hearts and cry and tell me their story that other people have gone through. And you know, we only need to look on the news to see that, you know, my middle class life, I do believe is kindergarten compared to what a lot of people in the world go through.
David Ralph [14:15]
But he still has that mental strength of drawing a line under it, doesn’t it and moving on, and you see where you go. You know, I talk about this a lot, because I used to be in a corporate life and it was fine. I used to go to work every day, earn my money, come home, have my two weeks vacation each year, it was fine. It was just boring. But I go back now for sort of drinks with them. And they’re, they’re bored. They’re so bored. They’re moaning and groaning about it, but they’re not drawing that line under it to say, right, I’m ready to step across that line and take on new challenges and move on. And now they’ve got lives that are good. It’s just kind of boring. Now you have a life that was all over the shop. A lot of it was duty yourself and the bad decisions that you made, but a lot of it was sexual. But you found yourself in in. How did you get to that point where you went, well, this is it. This is the line. I’m not going to step back anymore. I’m going to move forward. It can’t just be turning towards the light as you say.
Paula Gosney [15:13]
No, no, that does make it sound a bit kind of tweet, doesn’t it? No, it was it was what I call my dark days. I got so close to death. I died. I you know, I literally woke up in hospital on a couple of occasions. I had friends, you know, calling 911 on me. I knew there was a little part of me that knew I was so close to the wire. I was pushing it and I guess the part of me that wanted to live was stronger than the part of me that wanted to die. And there was just there was just this. I remember, there was one one night it was towards the very end where I really decided to get help. Obviously I was using hard drugs. So was using heroin and I was sitting there and I was in my room by myself. I was in a flattened Sydney and I was shooting heroin into one arm and cocaine into the other. And I had the phone sitting there dialled on triple zero. And I was playing with it in my head going, I wonder if I would be able to hit dial before my heart gave out. And there was this, I was just in this place where I just was, I just didn’t it was this I was in limbo, what’s it gonna be? And this is where I talked about my mom. I didn’t lie. I had so much self self loathing, that I wasn’t prepared to save myself a lot in a way but I could not get the thought of what this would do to my mother out of my head. And amongst all of that craziness, there was just this little voice that just said, live, and it was.
Unknown Speaker [16:56]
You actually sort of heard it
Paula Gosney [16:59]
well I mean, you know, with it, you know, it’s a lot. It’s a long time ago now, but it was, there was a, there was a there was a choice. It was a consciousness right at that very edge where I just said, No, no, I’m going to live, I’m not going to die. And then over the next sort of weeks and months, I started I put myself into rehab and I, I reached out and I just started to make some choices. And ultimately, I left Sydney because I kept falling off the waggon because of my life and my friends and I had to literally leave the country and you know, I came home and cleaned myself up and got married and started doing the work I needed to do to heal my head and my heart and my soul without drugs and a big part of that was realising that I could not ever get well while I was going to continue using drugs. And so that was the first thing that had to go
David Ralph [17:55]
and how long have you been clean nail polish?
Paula Gosney [17:58]
Ah, years, I mean 15 years Yeah, I mean I’m, I truly can sit and have a couple of glasses of wine and it’s just not even any slight. I’m, I’m Well,
David Ralph [18:11]
yeah, cuz I find it amazing it’s because you are a beautiful lady. You’ve got so much experience in the world. I think I actually emailed you and said you know your life your smile lights up a room because every picture I’ve seen of you, you just seem like you are just living life. It’s like life is going through you somehow. And did you feel that because I I’m on the commuter route, and I see people walking down to the railway station and coming back and they don’t look like you. They look just grey somehow but you literally like the sunshine is bursting out of you. Is that because of your past and your awareness of your second chance? Or is that just really your essence what you was always like before you lost yourself?
Paula Gosney [18:54]
David, I think that is probably almost one of the nicest things anyone has said to me. you’ve ever Um, yeah, that that really is just that, because I feel like that and no one has ever said that. But I think I was like that all the time. I think that is it. And it’s funny because I can see it in my son, this kind of this, this energy, this this desire to just move mountains and, and and live and then there’s just this kind of darkness that looks home as it does me too. And it’s just it’s just it’s been learning to channel that and I think I really believe people we all have that in us when we stop being afraid when we stop being frightened of whether we’re going to succeed or whether we’re going to fail or we stop being frightened of what other people think. And we just focus on who do I want to be and what can I give and and then we start to shine through. It’s that fear That makes us grey.
David Ralph [20:02]
Well, let’s play some words now. And then we’re gonna delve a little bit more into unbelief school because it is it’s a platform that really needs to get out to the world. I think it’s an amazing job you’re doing. This is Jim Carrey,
Jim Carrey [20:13]
my father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. And when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.
David Ralph [20:40]
Now that the beauty about those words, Paula is really in all of us, isn’t it? all he’s saying there is it’s time to take a chance. It’s time to just do something. Don’t worry about the naysayers. Don’t worry about the people that are sitting next to you not willing to take action themselves. Just go out and do it. Does that resonate? With you?
Paula Gosney [21:02]
Oh, absolutely. You know, I was privileged enough to be in the last audience to watch Wayne Dyer. He was here in Auckland. And I don’t know, you probably know Wayne Dyer, I’m sure you do. And he, he was just talking about the light in us and the energy and the no fear and, and one of the things people have said about him as he didn’t die with his light with his music inside of him. And I just I believe there’s something extraordinary happening in the world. And I think you’re part of that. And I think I’m part of that. And I think we can all be part of it. There’s this social media, the firt This is the first time in the world we own the media, we control it, right. We get to, we get to put create the agenda, and look at what we’re doing with it. And I think that there’s this incredible connectivity happening that we can all be part of like one person at a time just thinking about, well, you know, what can I do here? How do I want to live? Who do I want to be and being that change as Mahatma Gandhi says, Be the change you want to see in the world. And so whether you’re the gym carries or whether you’re just the Mum, not just but the mum working on the PTA, we’re all part of that. And it’s such an incredible feeling to accept that you do have, you can make a difference.
David Ralph [22:29]
I think technology and I, yesterday I was reading about something I had never heard of. Have you ever heard of the Internet of Things?
Paula Gosney [22:37]
David Ralph [22:37]
no, I hadn’t either. But this is the new big internet and it’s gonna destroy what we think of as the internet. Now if you think about the internet, you go on there and you serve and you look for pictures and you book your holidays and everything is about us going to it and doing what we need to do. We literally have to programme it. Now. What I realised was by by putting sensors into products, putting sensors into light fittings at home, into your car, whatever you can actually get to the point by, for example, when you’re driving home in your car, the car will realise that you’re at a certain point, and turn your oven on. So when you get home, so that you can walk around your house and lights will come on and off when you’re needing different rooms. So it’s literally like controlling the world. And I reckon it’s the next age of the internet. Now, when I was reading this, I was thinking, This is amazing. But I think that we’ve got something here and you touched on it a moment ago, which is kind of like the Internet of passion. It’s the internet. And the fact that you’re doing what you’re doing, and I’m doing what I’m doing. And I’ve never had a guest Come on, when I say to them, and how are you today and I go, Oh, it’s rubbish. It’s all hugely positive and enthusiastic. And you can connect across the world, like you’ve never done before, June, June to the internet. And I think that we’ve got three things going on here. I think we’ve got the internet, I think We got the Internet of Things, which is great because your lights will turn off and I won’t have to walk into rooms and tell my kids, anyone watching the telly, and all that kind of stuff for the web ever again. But we’ve also got this ability to connect with people doing amazing stuff like never before, you know, your story would have been very territorial, maybe 2030 years ago, but now the fact that literally, somebody’s gonna be laying on a beach in Bora Bora listening to us talk and might even want to connect with you because they’re doing something amazing. It’s it is it’s I’m going to coined this phrase. So if anybody comes along and makes it I got here first. It’s the Internet of love. That’s what it is.
Paula Gosney [24:36]
And that is it. And it’s Do you know, I feel it’s so strong in Gen Y and you know, the baby boomers and I think you’re probably the same generation as me Generation X. And so I’m we’re a little bit sceptical, and we’re kind of, you know, grabbing hold of the technology and going okay, what can we do with this? But if you look at the gen y’s, and I’ve written about this in one of my blogs, there’s a difference like the baby boomers were like, you know, conflicting things. They were brought up on the side Dear have a mess in capital. Whereas gene why you look at so many of the billionaire gene? Why is that giving it away? But they’re all about having an experience. They’re about creating an impact. They’re about what can we do. And I see it so much in the under 30 generation where they’re actually going, Well, you know what, we want to be a part of this. It’s not just about us. And I think as Gen Y moves into these leadership roles, and the baby boomers move out of it, some extraordinary things begin to happen in the world. I really think I hope I’m alive long enough to see what this world looks like in 3040 years because I am an optimist, and I feel very positive. And yes, we can focus on the rubbish and the awful things that are happening. Or we can actually look at something extraordinary that is taking place as the world becomes a global community. And that more of us, you know, not unite and create that ripple effect.
David Ralph [25:55]
You know, I know one of your things is networking and you believe in the power of network. Working do you do you use it as a positive force to take rubbish away from your own life using other people’s skills across the globe to do things that you don’t like doing?
Paula Gosney [26:10]
Oh, absolutely it’s I’m I mean I’ve set my first business up when I was 20 years old. I’m um you know, even through all of what I was going there, I had this kind of double life and I’m a very I’m a successful entrepreneur, I’ve made a lot of money in my in my life, my husband is extremely successful. And I decided a very long time ago that I would delegate anything that wasn’t really going to be you know, strongly income generating for me. So I love spreading the wealth. I love giving money away. I can’t wait till I’m rich enough to give loads of it away, but I also love and that’s the other thing with the internet and and just connecting with different people. People who inspire people are like, Oh my gosh, I’d never thought of doing it that way. beliefs go is actually I don’t believe there is anything on the planet like it. I can’t wait. For it to open and we’re about four weeks away, but but it is still everything I have learned from other great people. And then I have taken my understanding of it and the things that I know from working with people and turned it into a digital programme. But the reality is, all of my knowledge comes from Sitting at the feet of great people and learning from them.
David Ralph [27:23]
Why are you successful when polar? Why, why are you as somebody who is a successful entrepreneur when so many people out there can’t get it over the first mound.
Paula Gosney [27:35]
I am a born saleswoman. I have my over promoter personality type. I really am. I’m a great listener. So I’m really very aware of my what’s going on around me. I, I listen. I am also terribly, terribly persistent. I think that’s why I’m still alive. If I hadn’t been, I’ve been called a survivor many, many times and I think that that good and bad and me you the good you could say and what I was doing in the businesses my first business was a courier firm I set up when I was 20 years old. It was a little bicycle currying and Wellington. It was just a great idea. They were no bicycle couriers around, I only employed woman, I dressed them all in green, and we got all this publicity. And I was bought out by my largest competitor for a huge profit at 21. And I just kept going, I was always interested in I had didn’t have any fear about following my intuition. I was like, okay, because I didn’t actually have any fear of failure. For whatever reason, I just was like, well, the worst thing here is I could fail. And most of the time when it came to business, I didn’t. And I always just thought, Well, if I did fail, I’m going to have learned a whole heap along the way anyway, so I’m going to be really gained and knowledge. So I think again, it’s coming back to that and if that’s one thing I could, the gift I try to give to my children and I give to my friends. As just for them to believe in themselves to just not live in that state of fear
David Ralph [29:06]
is a gift isn’t it is the legacy that truly means something when you you have your kids looking at their parents and going, Yeah, I don’t actually have to work in an office doing something that I don’t want to do on a daily basis just to pay the bills. I can literally live a life which is fun. My mom talks to weird people from the United Kingdom. And that’s part of her job. You know, it’s It is my blog. I was having a dinner the other day, and I had a really bad day. When was it a couple of days ago, and my website got hacked, and he got completely destroyed and just look like it was just something that had thrown up. And I could build websites, but I’ve now had a mental breakdown, where I can’t be bothered to such a degree that even the simplest things were websites. My body just so closes down. I can’t be bothered to do this, even though I know how to do it. And I was just at the dinner table saying this is rubbish. She says you No, it’s been a really bad day. And my daughter’s 10 sort of got up and she said, Well, Dad, it’s gonna be bad sometimes, isn’t it because it can’t always be good. And I know you’re having these really comfortable conversations with people when it’s all successful. But actually, you only get the success by working harder than you’ve ever worked before. And she got really impassioned. It was like watching a little Winston Churchill going, and she sort of gone up. And she said, and by working really hard, now, it will mean that you won’t have to work as hard later. And dreams are hard to gain. But by going for the dream, not only will you be saying and she just sort of really got into it, and I put it on Facebook and I sort of said, this is amazing when your daughter sort of turns the tables on you and sort of shares the wisdom that you’ve been trying to put into it. And the amount of comments I got back going, that is the gift. That is the gift that you should be getting out to the world and you are on your daily show, Join Up Dots, but when your daughters and your kids actually look at it, and go there’s something out there. That is for me, it’s going to be hard. It’s gonna be harder than anything I’ve ever gone for before. But I still want it. That is a true gift, isn’t it?
Paula Gosney [31:11]
And you know what she’s got that from who you have been not, you know, and this is the thing our children don’t we get so tied up in the words that we use with them and so on, but they actually just copy who we are. So that is a reflection of who you have been in her life. That she has those words. And again, it just I’m sitting here listening to it and just getting all tingly because these How old is your daughter? 10 going on. 13 Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But they are 10 that we didn’t know the stuff when we were 10 did we no one was telling us this there wasn’t that level of you know, personal analysis or controlling what was going on our heads or goal setting or any of this. You know, I came from loving but highly critical parents because that’s what they were brought up on. We will As in Tara, Nikki, I had a farm life, which was amazing, but it was very critical parenting. And that’s all I knew. Now we know not to do that. And
David Ralph [32:10]
yeah, did you realise he was critical at that time?
Paula Gosney [32:14]
Um, no, no, I didn’t. I mean, I was at boarding school very young. And I started to but I did rebel against it. So obviously, it wasn’t working in me. I, my father in particular was, you know, a very typical Kiwi farmer, very sort of absent emotionally and so on. And so, I think that all contributed to, you know, a lot of the deep pain that I was feeling. I mean, obviously, they loved me. I knew that as I see it, but yeah, I don’t think we had that. I mean, I my kids, if I’m credit, I mean, I have to really guard myself against that. I’m a huge one for writing affirmations, I believe in them so strongly, and I have one written here on my computer, which is my first response is G. Because of how I was brought up as a kid, which was quite stern and being told off and critical that that is something that’s hardwired into me. And so I have to really consciously choose to respond gently rather than aggressively or critically. You know, I had to learn to take those boxing gloves off, which had kept me alive for so long. And so it’s an you know, that’s when you talk about that toolbox. That’s one of the things in my toolbox. Do I achieve it all the time? No. Do I get better at it as the years go on? Yes. Am I able to go up to my kids and say, Gosh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to Yellin and not do a back afterwards and make it the problem. just own it. Yes. And that’s part of the toolbox.
David Ralph [33:42]
I like nothing more. I just actually come back from take my kids to school this morning. And my son, he’s 13 and he could walk to school. He’s just lazy. It gets to that age and then they stop working. But my my daughter who’s 10 she loves me taking her to school, but she’s now starting to dislike me taking her to school because I Trying to embarrass her at the school gates. And I will start sort of dancing or singing or whatever. And her friends think it’s amazing. So I get this little audience in front of me of nine and 10 year olds that think, Oh, I wish my dad was like that, but obviously they don’t, because I’d be embarrassed as well. And my daughter kind of cringes, but I can also sense that she likes it as well, because the attention is on her, you know, because I’m doing this stupid stuff. She doesn’t actually have to be part of the herd the crowd, she can separate herself. And I’m seeing it more often with her that she’s willing to stand up and do bold things because of her belief that as we touched on earlier, what’s the worst that’s going to happen? You know, I remember her being three years old, and standing up and singing Mamma mia in karaoke, in Cyprus, or somewhere we were and all our friends were saying, I can’t believe she’s got up. I can’t believe that she’s doing our her age. And I was thinking, no, I can’t believe you’re not Doing it at your age, and the fact that you’re sitting there with drinks going, I’m never gonna get up there. You’re living in a life of, you know what’s going to happen and she’s living in a life of I don’t care what’s gonna happen, and I will deal with it afterwards. And I like that if you understand what I’m saying,
Paula Gosney [35:16]
I’m totally and that’s it you dancing at the school gate. She does love it definitely in there. And you’re also at that same thing. You’re giving her permission to do the same thing by who you were being, you know, you could have appearance at the end say no, be free. You can do those things, but you’re actually doing it. And that’s all she needs. I’m only the man that she idolised the most in the world as being the person that’s that’s lighting the way
David Ralph [35:40]
when when you look back at what you have done, and one of the things that sort of popped into my head but you were so impassioned, by let it go, but I’ve held it bear like a brain twister is do you think that you have become successful because of your ability to push yourself to the level because That fear of you push yourself to the level so much that you almost died and you didn’t like the worst can hate. You’ve already been where the worst is going to happen. You’ve almost killed yourself. Do you think that is a big part of what’s made you successful? The dark times as much as the light?
Paula Gosney [36:15]
Absolutely. I think there’s two things I think.
When I was raped, and other men sat there and watched and I made a decision about myself that I was basically invisible, that I obviously must be invisible because he’s not doing anything and nothing’s happening. And so I think I’ve spent my success there’s been a big part of me that’s being driven for this visibility, like, you know, who am I am I am I real Am I do I exist and that’s kind of driven this burning desire to to create success around me. And then absolutely what you say about I have got so close to that place that Yeah, there’s there isn’t there? I’ve just there isn’t really anything. And in a social context, I’m sure I could be very frightened physically. But you know, it’s what I talk about the two kinds of fear, there’s the good kind of fear, which keeps us safe, and we need to listen to that and we need to listen to it a lot more than we usually do. And then there’s a kind of fear that just actually controls us and screws up our lives and I don’t really have any of that second kind of fear anymore. Much to my husband’s horror, because he’s actually a very private person, but he clearly chose me because he um, he like that. But yeah, I do think that that just not being frightened of what are people going to think I mean, belief school, is the riskiest business I’ve done it’s the truly that I’ve written the whole entire programme. It has come from everything that I’ve been through and everything that I have learnt as a gift, it’s an accumulation of all my years and everything and it is the most fun Honourable thing, I guess I’ve done I’ve created this, and I’m putting it out to the world and going here, I think this will help you. Do you like it? And I don’t know, I don’t know people like my writing people like what I have to say, but I don’t know if the school is going to work. I hope it does. I believe it does. I’ve gone through pilots, and it’s created extraordinary results. But we won’t know until it’s out there.
David Ralph [38:24]
We will Oh, Paul, I won’t wait because people may don’t like your writing. They don’t like your blog post, what they like is you. And that’s what comes across, isn’t it? And that’s what I’ve seen more and more now in the sort of online world. But it used to be a case of you go to a website and you you didn’t know who owned it. But now as you say there’s a vulnerability, you know, people are putting income reports on there showing their struggles, they’re showing their human side, which wasn’t there a few years ago. So the fact that people like your writing and if there’s anyone out here but doesn’t think the porter is a lovely lady from what she Telling us on the show. Man, you come over here and I’ll help you. And that’s, that’s a physical approach. I’m gonna go and I’m not good at physical approaches. But it’s the way that you engage and you connect your beliefs go is going to be a big success because you’re leading the way. You’ve got a story which will resonate, you can understand I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do believe school, because people would throw things at me, I think, I don’t know. I don’t know. I didn’t get a bike on Christmas. That’s about as bad as it was, you know, I bet you’ve got something but you can come back with the empathy Connie.
Paula Gosney [39:35]
Oh, do you know David I would. I so would love you to go through the pilot because your demographic are probably the least likely demographic. I know. Woman a very belief school is very different because it’s not like some online programme where you get to sit in your computer and you just get to do theory. I know the only way change actually happens. The only way we actually create build our building for ourselves is that we create evidence for ourselves. And so belief score is all about creating evidence. And so each module, you actually have to take action. So you have to be a little bit brave, you actually have to, you have to because when you do that, when you step into that place that you were talking about at the beginning, where you feel uncomfortable with that place where you’re like, Oh, this doesn’t feel this doesn’t feel really comfy, then you actually start to realise what you’re capable of, then you start to see who you are. And I have a saying, I just, I it’s like high five yourself, when you’re uncomfortable. Because when you are uncomfortable when you’re whether it’s in your relationships and your work and what you’re pushing with your goals and your sport. When you’re right on the edge there. It feels uncomfortable, that there’s no other way it can feel because you’re stretching, but rather than running from that feeling, actually just celebrate it and go Okay, this is weird. I’m supposed to be this means my world is growing. This means I’m growing. And
David Ralph [41:07]
yeah, I think he’s like going on your first bike ride for ages, you get on the bike, and you think this is great for the first 15 minutes, and then your backside starts killing you because you’re just not used to it. But then the next day, you think, oh, should I do it? Should I do it? Oh, yeah, I bought that bike. So you jump back on and you give it another go. And for about three or four days, you’re at that point where the back of your legs are killing you, your backside is destroyed, but you keep on cycling, then it gets easier, doesn’t it? And that is what it’s like in life. Generally, it’s the difficult bike saddle. You don’t know how uncomfortable it’s gonna be until you get on there. And then afterwards, it just becomes part of you. And you can’t even imagine why you’ve thought of giving up and putting that bike in the garbage and never using it again.
Paula Gosney [41:52]
Yes, that’s exactly that’s a great analogy. That’s it. And it’s life. I just run from that feeling. Yeah, well, you can apply it to If you run from that feeling of uncomfortableness, you will never get on the bike and you will never quit your job and you will never cut your hair and you will never take their holiday or ask that person out. Because you’re keeping yourself safe and you’re keeping yourself small.
David Ralph [42:14]
Well, let’s play some words that really will take us to the last part of the show where we will be joining up your dots with the great Steve job. I love playing his speech, I’m gonna play it again. This is Rocky,
Unknown Speaker [42:25]
you, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But eight about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take it keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.
David Ralph [42:41]
So are you amazed at how much you can actually take when you look back on everything that’s happened to you and you’re still here and you’re, you’re going forward? You’re not crawling into a little ball and just sort of letting life pass you by? Are you surprised at how much you can take?
Paula Gosney [42:56]
Oh, gosh, I’ve crawled into little boy balls. Many many, many Many times, I’ve just crawled out of them again. And so I don’t know if I’m surprised because I just kept going. And yeah, I don’t. I’m not surprised now I feel fit. I feel very strong and very focused and very excited and, and very grounded. I just kept going. It was Yeah. Is it? Yeah.
David Ralph [43:25]
It’s as simple as that isn’t it is just people going. And you get to that point where, you know, I won the grand scheme of things. What I’m doing here is nothing, you know, I’m not trying to put somebody up in a spaceship up into space or whatever. But I’ve had days when I just haven’t had a clue. I just don’t know what’s happening. But I just keep on doing it, keep them doing it. And then you connect with someone, and then you sort of move on forward. It is just keep on going. Keep on going. And I think it is, you know, that’s why it’s such a important name belief school. We all need that belief. Don’t wait and you know, I could have called Join up believe I could call whatever you cannot believe that then things are possible. They are taking that belief away, and then you’re never going to get what you want.
Paula Gosney [44:10]
Absolutely. And I was just listening to you there. And I was thinking an answer to that question is I wanted to be happy. But I wanted there to be a point in NetSuite. And I guess if I was sitting with anyone now who was wherever they are in the life, whichever part is to keep searching, I often thought that there’s two philosophies I have I’m very much a person that says yes, good and bad. That has obviously got me in a lot of trouble in the past, but I do Just say yes to pretty much anything. And I also I pull on strings, you know, I unravel, I just go well, where will that lead me? And so wherever they wherever, the weavers listen to this, and they’re in that place, and it’s like, it’s just you don’t when you open those doors or you pull on those strings or you say yes, what you’re doing is you’re you’re opening the opportunity For, for life to open up. And you know, when I was so black dark, I just I couldn’t see any way out but I was still going to counsellors I was still trying to find a way through the misery. I didn’t believe that this was it. And that was that desire, I felt that they had to be a way to be happy.
David Ralph [45:25]
And most people have I don’t know, most people will be sitting in a crappy job thinking there’s got to be more than this. And, you know, if you get them in the right situation, and you get them to sort of just be open and honest, more often than not, well, in fact, I’ve never met somebody when I say What’s your dream and they go all to empty this inbox. that’s never been the case. There’s always Oh, I’d like to run my own school or I’d like to, you know, climb to the top of Kilimanjaro or something. It’s always something big. So we’ve got it in our hearts and we’ve got it in our hearts and our bodies to do so. Something big, but which is being held back with the shackles. And that’s why, what you’re doing so important and all the online environments. There’s not many different podcasts, most of them are all about getting off your backside and going for it and doing things in a different way. But I totally believe that people can and I just believe that they need to realise that no one has got the answers. And even the guys that you know, I do coaching polar, and I’m very honest with people and I go with them. No, I’m a complete idiot. It just I’ve tried a lot more things that have failed now. So I’m ahead of the curve. But I didn’t have a clue what I was doing at the beginning, I was just making up. And if you’d go up to Richard Branson and say to him, you know, what you’re planning for the next 10 years. I bet he sort of says, Well, we’d like to do this. We’d like to do that. But we’ve got no idea how to do it. But you just work through those issues. One after another, don’t you?
Paula Gosney [46:53]
Try, you start. And it’s interesting what you just said about the fact that most of the podcasts are the same. I hadn’t actually really thought about that. And then I was thinking, Well, why is that? And I think the kind of podcasts you do here, this is kind of its mentorship and it’s its motivation and possibly a little bit of accountability. If you if you feel like you’re checking back in with these people, it’s Yeah, and that people are searching for that. You know, how do I get from A to B? I bet you’re Richard Branson. You know you if you’ve read his autobiography, his first four or five years, he just had no idea what he was doing. He just literally flew by the seat of his pants.
David Ralph [47:33]
But that’s exciting, isn’t it? That’s, that’s when you wake up in the middle of the night and you have Bose dark thoughts running through you. But then, the next morning, my recording studio at the beginning of the show, he says live from the back of his garden, and he’s literally true. I walked home last night and I said to my wife, this is the greatest commute ever. It was 15 pounds and I was home. And literally it was raining. So I counted my bounds as I sort of jumped down the garden. But sometimes I walk out to it and I open the door. Nothing, I’ve got no idea what I’m gonna do today. I turn on the computer and I sit there thinking, What do I do? But more often than not, when I’ve come out at the end of the day, I think Yeah, that was worthwhile that something had happened. Something’s moved me forward, I’ve had a conversation, and it’s just trying stuff. And so this is going out to you listeners, you’ve listened to enough of Join Up Dots. Really what you should do is turn off Join Up Dots and just go and create your own life create your own in a podcast, your own dialogue with yourself that will take you on to greater and greater things because you can listen to all the shows you want, you can read all the books you can sign up to all the online courses, but the bottom line is unless you get off your backside and start doing stuff, it’s not gonna work. What do you reckon polar?
Paula Gosney [48:44]
Look, absolutely and what I would add to that is set yourself up to win as I as I look at that, if it’s a climb Kilimanjaro, or if it’s you know, change your job or sit up the kindergarten, look, look at that in goal but then break Get down to its smaller parts and go. Okay, so where am I at now? And what can I do this week? And what can I do this month? Do I need to upskill? Do I need to find a mentor? Do I need to raise capital, you know, and break it down. So you’re setting yourself up to win. And that is a big part of what we teach in belief school. It’s not setting yourself up to fail because it just erodes your belief in yourself. You need to create the evidence that you can do these things. So take stretch, but take steps that you can when it so you can look back in a month and go, gosh, I said I was going to do that. And I did it. Look, I did it. And now I’m gonna do the next step. And the next step.
David Ralph [49:40]
Well, let’s play the words now of a gentleman who’s no longer with us, but he did some amazing stuff no more amazing when actually setting up the whole theme of Join Up Dots. This is Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [49:51]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college, but it was very, very clear looking backwards. 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [50:26]
So obviously, at the beginning, you mentioned that the theme of Join Up Dots became so, so powerful to you, when you hear those words that it all came from. Do you look back on your own life and go Yes, there are a series of dots and there was one big one or is it just a tapestry that has led you to where you are?
Paula Gosney [50:47]
Oh, well, because I believe in the divine matrix or quantum physics or that we’re all connected through energy and whether you know spiritually your profit is Jesus. Mohammed or mother nature or however that is, I believe that there is this connectivity. I am moving more. And this is a this is a really interesting topic for me because I have been very disconnected from anything like this. And I’m really trying to find my way in here, that when I listen to those words, I think about that connectivity, I think about the, the, you know, the greater plan and the choices that we make. And, you know,
Unknown Speaker [51:28]
I remember someone saying to me,
Paula Gosney [51:32]
years and years ago, that you need to be able to look at the benefits of being raped. And at the time, I think I probably threw something at them or cried or did whatever. And I just was horrified at the fact that they could even say that I just thought they were ignorant falls and I ranted and raved and I can honestly say that that probably was the pivotal point in Korea. being who I am today, and that’s why I don’t I can talk about it and not feel shame or, or or feel like a victim or any of those things because it’s just been part of the tapestry. I can’t even remember it anymore. It was 30 years ago. So, you know, for good or bad that that sent me down a road, maybe I would have gone down that road anyway, I don’t know that sent me down a road of a hell of a lot of self harm, of which I didn’t die. And I often think about that. I think I lived and I have many friends who didn’t love but I did. And that’s why I believe school for me is so important because I feel like this was the point. The reason I went through that and the reason I survived and I learned what I needed to learn and I have the ability to connect with people and see people is because I was supposed to create this I was supposed to create this for all of the other 16 year old girls out there for all of the other men and boys and women who are trying desperately to believe in themselves.
David Ralph [53:12]
I believe in you, Paula. And I believe in every single person out there. I don’t think there’s one person other than psychopaths and serial killers. Count them out of this. But other than those, I do think what you said right at the beginning, but literally The world is full of good people. They all have opportunities, and I know some people will throw it back at you and go, Oh, yeah, what about somebody living in a farm in India, but then I can throw it back on you. I watched the programme the other day, but this guy is a billionaire, but probably gonna be the first trillionaire looking at mining metals from the moon. And he started in a field in India. So if we single person no matter who you are, where you are, you have got a start and more often than not, you’ve got a head start on that. guy who’s now looking at getting precious metals back from the moon, it blows my mind what opportunities we’ve got, and we can all go for it. It’s just ourselves holding us back.
Paula Gosney [54:12]
And there’s also an awful lot of people who are very, very wealthy who are not very, very happy. And I’m not in love with themselves. And there’s a lot of people who don’t have a lot of wealth, but they have an extraordinary amount of wealth when it comes to community and family and love. And so we can measure succeed on this planet in very, very different ways. One of them is monetary success, and that gives us freedom. But I definitely Yeah, there’s a lot of people we see I see a lot in New Zealand we have a huge Island community and whenever I’m part of the island community, which is a generally as a community and not a very wealthy group, they have such an incredible sense of family and community and love that I feel envious.
David Ralph [54:57]
You’re not very good at rugby though, are they? That’s the problem.
Paula Gosney [55:00]
Very good when they’re playing for the All Blacks that good.
David Ralph [55:04]
You see, I brought it back, it still counts to me that does hold up, but you started the show with that comment. So what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna bring the show to an end. Now I don’t want us to finish really I want you to keep on going, going going. But this is the part that we call the Sermon on the mic when we send you back in time to have a one on one with your younger self. And if you could go back in time and speak to the younger Paula, what advice would you give and what age would you choose? Well, we’re going to find out because we’re going to play the theme tune and when it fades you up. This is the Sermon on the mic.
Unknown Speaker [55:39]
We go with the best bit of the show, man, my man
Paula Gosney [55:58]
if I was standing in front Have my 16 year old self. After I’d been raped, I would grab myself by the shoulders. And I would tell myself, that it meant nothing.
That it absolutely meant nothing. That it wasn’t about me. And it had nothing to do with me.
And that I didn’t need to give it any meaning and I didn’t need to feel shame. And I would then give myself the tools, the mental tools to not focus on it, to just put it where it needed to be put, which was not about me. It was actually about this too stupid man. And then I would just move past it. That that is Yeah, that’s a huge question but I would I just tell myself to, to focus on the things I wanted, not the things I didn’t want to not dwell on the things that happened to me. I have a lovely saying that I say now and it’s like nothing changed until I realised I was creating everything. And I would like to show teach that to my little 16 year old self, that she didn’t have to then spend the next 15 years trying to destroy yourself to rid herself of something that really wasn’t about her at all.
David Ralph [57:48]
Paula was the number one best way that our audience can connect with you.
Paula Gosney [57:54]
Two ways find me on Facebook, which is Paula Ghazni belief school and dub dub dub dot belief school.com. So please come and connect with me, I am the most active, I’m on the other social medias, but I’m the most active on Facebook, it’s always me. It’s where I play and hang out and connect with people. So I would love to see people on there. And come and subscribe to our website. So you’ll be the first to know when we launch.
David Ralph [58:22]
Or just go over to Google and type in big happy smile. I might. I might see that I don’t know if pulled up will appear. But I’m gonna try that a little bit later. But probably thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots Please come back again when you have more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our past is the best way to build our futures. Paul, it goes nice. Thank you so much.
Paula Gosney [58:45]
Thank you, David. I have loved it.
David Ralph [58:49]
Thank you so much for listening to Join Up Dots. Please help us with our experiment of trying to get the show out to as many people as possible by simply telling two of your friends don’t even have to be friends, you might not even like them. But tell him about Join Up Dots. And then hopefully we can get the show higher and higher into the ranks and overthrow governments and do some quite creative things. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you so much for listening, and we’ll see you again next time.
David doesn’t want you to become a faded version of the brilliant self you or wants to become. So he’s put together an amazing guide for you called the eight pieces of advice that every successful entrepreneur practices, including the two that changed his life. Head over to Join Up dots.com to download this amazing guide for free and we’ll see you tomorrow on Join Up Dots.