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Matt Marr Joins Us On The Steve Jobs Inspired Join Up Dots Podcast
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Introducing Matt Marr
Matt Marr is our guest today on the Steve Jobs inspired Join Up Dots free podcast interview.
He is a guy who has a title that I have never used before on any show
But it is one that I wish that I had come up with, as he has been called the Gay White Oprah which is a fantastic name.
But how has he come to receive such an accolade you maybe asking?
Well my listeners it can be put down to one thing, or maybe two things.
The ability to be himself, and the ability to know how to connect with others.
You see all business success is based on these two characteristics, and it seems that our guest has them in abundance.
How The Dots Joined Up For Matt
As he says “I am the type of guy that can meet you and within two minutes have you spilling your heart out”
So it’s with little surprise, that after receiving his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University in 2009, he has been taking this ability to open the hearts of whoever he talks to by helping people everywhere with his weekly advice podcast “The Dear Mattie Show” where he discusses relationships, sex, fear, friends, job, and even makeup in an inspiring and entertaining format.
But if you are thinking that this is just another normal type of life-coach guest that you see all over the shop,then think again.
He is also a singer; received a undergrad in Opera Performance from the University of North Texas, has been active in the project Get Empathy, a campaign to build a national movement to stop bullying in schools. Communication Director for Brave Trails, supporting Gay, Lesbian and Trans-Gender folk to become thought leaders in their fields, and a stand-up comic and producer.
So with all these different experiences and knowledge, is there a chance that he could get lost with himself and dilute whatever he considers his god given super power?
And when he get someone to start talking does he every think…”Ok, Ok, I think this was a bad idea? This person just wont shut up?”
Well lets find out as we bring onto the show to start joining up dots with the one and only Mr Matt Marr.
Show Highlights
During the show we discussed such weighty topics with Matt Marr such as:
How he has built a career by following his muse and helping people in the world to feel validation that their own personal story is ok.
Why he found his undergrad period so difficult, and realised for the first time in his life that success is not guaranteed by how hard you work.
Why losing a great friend, is just part of the journey which has to be taken as you work towards success. You just cant take everyone with you, losses are inevitable.
Why he has such a great connection to Wonder Woman, and explains in depth how the escapism of a super hero was so powerful to him as a young child.
and lastly….
And how in one small comment on a podcast he has probably ruined the host of Join Up Dots sexlife forever!
How To Connect With Matt Marr
Return To The Top Of Matt Marr
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Full Transcription Of Matt Marr Interview
Intro [0:10]
When we’re young, we have an amazing positive outlook about how great life is going to be. But somewhere along the line we forget to dream and end up settling. Join Up Dots features amazing people who refuse to give up and chose to go after their dreams. This is your blueprint for greatness. So here’s your host live from the back of his garden in the UK David, Ralph.
David Ralph [0:36]
Good morning to you. Well, good morning to you everywhere. I’m all excited. I am all excited to be the host of Join Up Dots so that I can share things like I did with my guests this morning. He’s only just got out of bed. It’s about five o’clock in the morning where he lives and he’s already got a vision of my man moobs are swinging around which isn’t good isn’t good for anyone. And unfortunately I’ve just realised by saying that, but all my listeners have got that image of mine. Whoops as well. So am I to apologise it’s not a good way to start the show, but today’s show is going to be good. Because he is a guy that quite simply I imagine he wakes up every morning with Hi. Oh, I hope because he’s certainly I think he’s going to be one of these guys that feels like he whistles whilst he works. And he’s a guy who has a title that I’ve never used before on any show as well, is one that I wish that I had come up with, as he’s been called the gay white Oprah, which is a fantastic name. But how has he come to receive such an accolade you may be asking, Well, my listeners, it can be put down to one thing or maybe two things the ability to be himself and the ability to know how to connect with others. You see, all business success is based on these two characteristics and it seems to be our guest has been in abundance. As he says I’m the type of guy that can meet you. And within two minutes have you spilling your heart out. So it’s a little surprise that after receiving his master’s in clinical psychology from Antioch University in 2009, has been taking this ability to open the heart Whoever he talks to, by helping people everywhere with his weekly advice podcast, but the Matty show, where he discusses relationships, sex, beer, friends, job, and even makeup in an inspiring and entertaining format. But if you’re thinking that this is just another normal type of life coach kind of guests that you see all over the shop and think again, he’s also a singer received an undergrad in opera performance from the University of North Texas has been active in the project get empathy, a campaign to build a national movement to stop bullying in schools, communication director for brave trails supporting gay, lesbian and transgender folk to become thought leaders in their field, and a stand up comic and a producer, and of course, a podcaster as well. So we’ve always different experiences and knowledge, is there a chance that he could get lost with himself and dilute whatever he considers his God given superpower? And when he gets someone to start talking, does he think okay, this was a bad idea, this person just one shot up? Well, that’s fine. Now as we bring onto the show, to start joining up the dots with the one and only Mr. Matt Marr Good morning, Mr. Matt Marr, and apologies about my moobs, sir.
Matt Marr [3:08]
Hey, you know, I think that helped me wake me up. I liked it.
David Ralph [3:12]
I can send you a signed photo. And when we and we can, we can have a pet name for each of them. I don’t know what I’d call them, but maybe I’d call them um, I don’t know, Donald and Trump. What do you think?
Matt Marr [3:24]
Oh, you had me until that you had me until there?
David Ralph [3:28]
Why is he about what we’re talking about me? It’s because from this side of the pond, it seems quite amusing to say the least, that you’ve got a chance to put a lunatic into power in America. Now. He’s obviously touching in on what needs to be touched into to get to that point where he’s got a chance. But all I hear from Americans over this side is Oh my god. Oh my god. How’s he doing it? How is he connecting with these people that might vote him in?
Matt Marr [3:59]
Well, you know, I won’t first Thank you. So I’m so happy to be I was dancing during the music. I’m so excited. But I have a different perspective because I live in Los Angeles, California. So I’m like, California, California hippie, as people say, but I’m originally from Oklahoma, Southern Oklahoma in Texas. So when I go back home to visit family, that’s where I meet people who actually are voting for Donald Trump. I’ve had it by I had a cousin who I just posted something on Facebook about Black Lives Matter. And they unfriended me, because they were saying I wanted policemen to not do their job or something like that. So I definitely see both sides of the coin in America. And so for a lot of I think what Donald Trump is successful at is that he they’re just, you know, I really believe, let’s just go here that I believe people live in fear or they live in love. And there’s kind of those two bases of where we start to, you know, take the first take our steps in life. We take them from and Donald Trump taps into the people that believe in fear that are so that are so scared either about the economy or America security or, or immigration and they’re scared about their jobs being taken away from people who work lower wages. And he taps into that fear. And I think that’s what makes him if you want to deem it this word successful.
David Ralph [5:24]
You know what I believe in Matt?
Unknown Speaker [5:26]
What?
David Ralph [5:28]
I believe that children are our future, teach them well, and let them lead the way. So I feel I feel all inspired. And that’s what the message of the whole show is to get it out to the the youth, the youngsters and the people that may be sort of long in the tooth that you can lead the way you don’t need politicians. It’s all down to individual personal belief and personal responsibility to go out there and do good things in it.
Matt Marr [5:54]
Ah, you’re talking to someone who loves Whitney Houston too. And yes, I mean, no matter what politic I do politics or politics. So that’s just gonna keep on going and keep keep on keepin on. So you might as well do what you can and your heart and your life and focus on that here because yes to I think if Donald Trump was president, he would ruin America. No, I don’t think he would be I would be a little nervous to have that man with the nuclear codes. But the day I think it’s not gonna affect, it’s not gonna affect a lot of our day to day life.
David Ralph [6:29]
Well, let’s bring it back into you. Because obviously, in 30 years time when somebody is listening to this show, that’s kind of old news. We won’t know who’s in power at that stage, but you are still going to be rocking and rolling, hopefully doing your thing. What is your thing? What would you say? Because as I was saying, in the introduction, you’ve got so many kinds of skills and strings to your bow. If I met you in a bar, Matt, bought your drink and said, What do you do for a living? What would you say?
Matt Marr [6:57]
I would say, you know, because it does seem like I do a lot of things. I jokingly say I have gay the day that I get distracted. But when if we’re connecting the dots with that, I look back on things. I ultimately, I want people to feel validation in this world and feel and know that someone actually cares about their story. And that’s what really is love. When I look back on everything I’ve done in my life, whether it’s from performing to therapy to camp, to just listening, it’s that I want people to know that someone actually gives a crap about them and someone thinks their story is important. And actually thinks it’s so important that it should be told.
David Ralph [7:37]
How do you make money? That’s the key thing. A majority of people would have a similar vibe to them, but they want to go out and help people and do good stuff. But it’s, it’s not easily it’s not an easy way of actually paying the bills. Is it?
Matt Marr [7:52]
Sugar, it is not. It is definitely you got to do what you love and go towards that and like Like I said, my friends, you know Do come with a white paper, but I still can’t give anybody a car like I can’t even give anybody a bike. So I’m still working towards that. But I think as far as trying to make a living, I think, you know, it truthfully was, for me, just going back to feeling inspired and the things that have made money from me, we’re not for me, for some people, they’re really good planning business and they can plan out a business plan. My boyfriend is like that he is very that entrepreneur minded where he can plan it out and he will make money in that way. For me, it’s been more about kind of following what I call my muse. I do this a lot because I do live coaching, especially with a lot of actors and creative folks here in Los Angeles. And I kind of break it down a koshien that there’s either the critic or the Muse and so that I’ll kind of look at them a narrative therapist, meaning we look at the life as a story metaphor. So it’s about these characters in our lives. Sometimes the character whether it’s doubt, fear, whatever it is in your life for me, I kind of summed that up in the critic there’s times where the critic will write the story my life, it’ll tell me that, Oh, well, you can’t interview this person because you’re not famous enough or you can’t, you won’t know what to ask them you’re going to freeze up. Whereas my muse, which is kind of my joy will say, you totally can interview this person because you want to know interesting things about their life. You want to help support this person, you want to help this person share a story. And it’s for me, it’s been when I’ve listened to the Muse in my life. Those are the things that started making money in my life, such as, like, on his like, with starting a podcast with with deciding to be a commercial actor just for the fun of it, and I thought it would be and I remember watching that I was a kid with my grandmother, and it made me feel connected to my grandmother to get into commercials. And now that’s, you know, that that’s how I make the majority of my living to is through acting. So that’s just been a huge thing for me. It’s for me following the joy of my life rather than the fear.
David Ralph [9:57]
And do you think that’s a key thing that most people want? And I, you know, you you set off on a path when you were a young kid of just basically being selfish and doing what you fancy doing and you come home from school and you’d go out and play in you just spend your summers on your bike riding around, or at least I did. But then once you get to sort of your late teens, you’re sort of early 20s that kind of enjoyment goes out the window and you just looking for money, really?
Matt Marr [10:25]
Yeah, I mean, I think for myself, because I grew up in a very conservative part of America, in Oklahoma, very small town about 4000 people. I wasn’t a sports kid, I was obsessed with Wonder Woman at a very young age. I still have a Wonder Woman kitchen like it’s a thing. I had like a huge Yeah, I had a huge list. And so and I was a little bit more feminine, not in like said knowledge of football. So I dealt with a lot of bullying when I was younger. So I very but I’m so blessed and grateful that I had that because it gave me a perspective when I was very young. No of thinking how would this make other people feel if I talk to them this way if I, what my actions do that actually affects them. So I knew it. I knew at a young age I was one of those people that I remember watching the musical Oklahoma, you know, oh mama, where the wind come sweeping down the plane. And I was a little kid. And but I remember watching that that first scene of Oh, what a beautiful morning and thinking, I want to do that in my life, even at five and I didn’t, couldn’t put it into words, but I could put it into a feeling that I knew I was drawn to I wanted to affect people the way I was affected just then watching that musical. And granted, it’s carried on into, you know, using activism and stories, but still, you know, for me, it’s always a performance, or, you know, like, which, which you’re really good at, and the show is it’s about entertaining people as well, and putting out a message and so that’s been a driving force for me.
David Ralph [12:00]
So I am fascinated from everything you said I am I my fault keeps on going back to Wonder Woman. Now when I was growing up in the 70s it was Linda Carter. And I haven’t seen Wonder Woman for years, but I just remember, she had some kind of magic last suit that could make people tell the truth, which is now probably just drugs and or alcohol. And she had some kind of device on her wrist to dodge bullets. But other than that she was rubbish. She just looked very nice. Did she have some kind of super talent that I forgotten about?
Matt Marr [12:32]
Well, I’m going to say so many so many just that I could go on and on and about wondering but I would say I think something that did attract me to Wonder Woman is that was her she was about truth. She was actually created by William Marston Moulton who was an American psychologist, and he was the inventor actually of the lie detector, modern day lie detector. And he also believed very much that he thought it’s interesting And that was in America, we could potentially have a woman president because he was very adamant at back in the 1920s and 30s, that women he felt were actually superior to men and could be leaders. So sorry, that’s my nerd. That’s a nerd coming out. But as far as what Wonder Woman inspired me, I think again, and then, because I’ve written papers about this, when I was doing my Master’s in psychology, I talked a lot about superheroes, and kind of how that affected me growing up. And I think what wonderwoman gave me is that she was someone who I needed a superhero at that time, I needed to have the hope of a superhero because again, I was going through my family was wonderful. My family’s always been wonderful. They created this kind of love bubble for me at home and we’re always supportive. But then when I went to school, then that start that love bubble kind of started being tried to be attacked by other people and and kind of what what the story they want me to put on my life and said the story I wanted to write more for myself. So and you know, I say this to myself. Clients a lot. And I’ll say this to your listeners too. If you’re listening now and you don’t feel hopeful about your life, and you don’t think you can accomplish things you don’t think you could live any type of dreaming your life now I always say, then borrow my hope for you. Because I have so much hope for people. You can use mine. Please use matte Mars hopes as much as you need to. And then one day just I don’t need it back. Just you give that to someone else. And so for me Wonder Woman, I think was that it gave me hope that I could live an extraordinary life. It gave me hope that I could be truthful, which is what so much she was about that I could be truthful, who I was, and every part of myself and live that out it was something I just I met Linda Carter once at a concert thing and it was just I felt as if I was meeting Gandhi because it that affected me so much.
David Ralph [14:49]
I don’t know how you connect Wonder Woman with a man in a mirror. You know, you can go with that Matt, you can go with any connection you want and I’m just gonna Let you go with it, but I was
Matt Marr [15:02]
like 20 listeners I’m sorry.
David Ralph [15:04]
Yeah, but you because you sucked up to the women are all powerful you’ve gained about another hundred thousand. So you’re all right. You’re building up my audience in sweeps. Now, will you somebody because you talk about story a lot. Were you somebody like the superheroes because you it was the escapism you you could recreate yourself because I remember having a conversation with somebody and going all superheroes are basically lonely people never getting laid at all. Except for Batman, who gets loads of it because he’s got loads of money. Other than that, he’s a sad individual as well. And we could all become Batman. As long as we had enough money and we could learn to fight we could become Batman, but it’s unlikely I’m gonna get bitten by a spider or have kryptonite land on me all the other stuff? Is it escapism that you liked about it?
Matt Marr [15:55]
I think yeah, I think there is a lot of the fact of escapism also the two Wonder Woman I’m 37 so I was born in 1979. So I grew up in the 80s Wonder Woman and that type of Wonder Woman was a little different than kind of what we have now because we’re so much into the brooding superhero and because of Batman Begins and they kind of try to do that with every superhero, but when I grew up with wonder woman, she actually she knows she lives on the island full of women which I know seems which is almost seems like a men’s fantasy movie but also with you I’m with you, man. Keep going. Now you’re now we’ve got all the male listeners back
David Ralph [16:31]
and we’ve got him back but
Matt Marr [16:33]
she but she also you know, back in that time and your Wonder Woman, it was not she came from a this island of women where she was raised to taught to be to be peaceful and loving. And there was she didn’t have any mommy issues like she does now in the comics like her and her mother got along. She actually came from this really supportive environment. And then what was happened is that she went kind of into man’s world and that’s where she was kind of looking at That’s when she began connecting her own job to what was going on and around her she was like, Whoa, this is messed up. This is not they do not treat people well here they love women. Well here there’s, you know, we want Wonder Woman’s creatives during World War Two so she come out she’s coming out seeing the Nazis attacking the world. And I think that was interesting to me as well in that I did definitely felt like at home, I kind of my parents were so good at supporting my brother and I and emotionally supporting financially every type of support you could have that I it was shocking to me when I went kind of out into school and that kind of stuff. I remember in kindergarten because I just thought, Wait a minute. This is not what I saw. And this that’s not what I was taught in church, that you love one another and you have joy. I was raised Catholic. I wasn’t. It’s not what I saw on shows like Sesame Street and the shows on television that I loved. So it was it was quite a shock to me. So I think I relate to that with Wonder Woman as well.
David Ralph [17:57]
I’m still on the lesbian fantasy of the island full of women. I think I can’t break that now.
Matt Marr [18:01]
Get Wesley here, get with me. I’m back. I’m back.
David Ralph [18:05]
I’m a professional, I can pull myself back from her. So when you actually went through school, did you have a master plan? I know you talk about news and doing you know what lights you up, but generally going through college and university, whatever, you have something in your head that you’re working towards. What about yourself?
Matt Marr [18:23]
You know, I undergrad was probably one of the hardest times of my life. For me. It was I got my undergrad at University of North Texas and I studied opera there. And it’s the largest music school I know in the country, if not the world. I think just there’s about like 2500 to almost 3000 just voice majors in a College of Music, but then the university and it was highly highly competitive. I mean, people like Norah Jones were around music theory class, and it was it. It was hard for me because I came from this small town where I was kind of the top dog I was saying and then I go into this, and no one gives two craps about me. And it was really it was good and that it made me work hard. But but it was one of those things that honestly, you know, I’m, I’m a good singer, I’m a decent singer. Am I a fantastic, amazing singer that stands out in a school of that many people? No, I wasn’t. And I think for me, it was it was the first lesson that sometimes just because you work hard, doesn’t mean you’re going to succeed at something. It’s also kind of matching up with the environment that you’re working in. And is that is that a helpful environment for what you want to be doing? And I’ll never forget it was I was about to graduate from undergrad about it was about six months before I supposed to graduate. And I was walking down the hall and I was listening to to two gentlemen talk about music and they were talking about this new artists they loved and they Vince’s jazz person and got together and I thought I stopped in the hall and I thought oh crap. I don’t talk about music that way. I’m not I like music. I like to sing. But I’m not. It’s not actually inspiring to me. So, but it was something that was I was good at that I think got me out of my small town and got me into kind of a broader, more diverse world, which was what I needed. So I don’t regret that. I did that. And I love that I did that because it gave me a lot of appreciation for the arts, but I think ultimately, singing saved me in that it got me out of Oklahoma and it got me out of the kind of a conservative part of America that I just that wasn’t going to be helpful for me as a gay man to live in. But it does, but it wasn’t what I was supposed to do. I but I didn’t know that until obviously, like we talked about the show looking back because at the time I was, I was pretty devastated because my identity was so wrapped up in being a singer. So after I started my stuff, my undergrad and I graduated, I kind of I remember I moved back in with my mom for couple of months and I was literally just like what where do I start from here?
David Ralph [21:05]
And where do you start because you go you want to be Pavarotti. The first ginger Pavarotti, which is a brilliant niche to have, and then it crashes around you. So what did you do? Just go home lick your wounds, or did you go home ago? Okay, anyway, come on, put my Wonder Woman outfit on and I’m fighting back.
Matt Marr [21:25]
You know, for me it was so you know, I always wanted to have a talk show. That’s what I was passionate about when I was younger. I mean, I used to record Oprah and Donahue, I’d come home and we’re and watch them on the tape and I would sit on our fireplace and before before a guest would answer a question and before Oprah would ask the other question, I would pause it and ask my own question or, or try to guess what she was going to ask. So obviously a lot of boys in southern Oklahoma Don’t do this. I was at obsession for me. But I got away from that. I think we just in high school and then especially in college, I really got it. As the psycho therapist, psychologist Carl Rogers says, I started shooting on myself. You don’t have to believe that word. I said should. But I did. I started shooting on myself and that I, I was everybody said, Oh, in high school said, Oh, you’re such a good singer, you should go to music school. So I said, Okay, that’s what people say I should be doing. And then I went into college and they said, Oh, you should practice like this. You should work like this. You should think about doing this. And I just was doing, but I basically, as a narrative therapist, I was letting other people write my story because my own fear my own doubt, my own critic was saying, if you don’t listen to these people, you’re not going to be a success. So I think what happened after that is because I done all that and didn’t work that I started reconnecting with what do I love? And for me, that was the joy of stories and just talking to people. And a lot of it happened for me is that I was I still am a very big, shy, Twain fan. Can you see a theme? I just I just I just love beautiful women in my life. Well, I don’t know.
David Ralph [23:04]
I think I think it’s coming out that you might be a gay man, man. I’m starting to link things together.
Matt Marr [23:11]
Everybody needs their own Judy Garland sugar. That’s what I’m working towards. And so, so yeah, I love Should I Twain and I, I am you know, I went to a concert with her my father took me to a concert with her and I made a sign with Shania Twain And long story short, but I ended up getting to go up on stage and make sure that I train and actually she asked me to sing a song with her and it was it was amazing and incredible, but that’s not even like the best story of all that is that it led me to when I you know, this was back in the day when we would have like Yahoo fan groups or whatever that were, yeah, go to the shin Twain group and just nerd out and talk with other people about Shania Twain online. And obviously, I was single at that point, very, very single. But um, so one of one A friend said, oh, there’s this should not win contest, you should enter it and tell your story. And it was. So I did. And I didn’t know it at the time. But it was a contest that Country Music Television Production for a show called devoted. They ended up picking me a shin is number one fan and they flew me to Canada, to where she and I grew up. And it was just me and cameraman and a producer and a sound person. And they just fill me I knew I didn’t get to meet and I trained them. But I went to every part of her hometown where she worked at McDonald’s for school. And I interviewed people about what it was like to know should I Twain? So suddenly, I was hosting. And as someone who that didn’t click for me, because it was just again, growing up in Oklahoma. I thought, oh, what could I do? I could maybe be an actor, but that seems so far off. And I This was before internet, so I couldn’t just go online and there weren’t YouTube stars. And suddenly, I was doing this hosting thing of talking to the cameras. It was my friend. It, it felt I realised I was connecting with that 12 year old kid who was sitting on the fireplace and that I hadn’t. I hadn’t been listening to that kid and so long. And so I did that. And I, you know, I was planning on and it went fantastic. The producer even said, like, wow, you’re a natural for this, you should totally pursue something like this. And I was supposed to move to Chicago to pursue theatre and potentially get my masters in theatre. And two weeks before I did it, it was that, again, that Muse in me said, This is not what you’re meant to do. And two weeks before I moved, I ended up moving to Los Angeles. And that’s, that’s really what brought me out of here and started kind of that journey of trying to work in television.
David Ralph [25:42]
Let’s play some words. And then we’re going to delve more into this because this is the key part. This is what we will almost say Matt is your big.me is Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey [25:49]
My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant and when I was 12 years Old he was let go from that safe job. And our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you
David Ralph [26:15]
love. It’s amazing how many times I listen to that speech and I think to myself this was written for the guest I’m talking to today and it feels right for you as well.
Matt Marr [26:26]
Oh, very much so because I I definitely have that experience of you know, do I have regret? Yeah, I do. But do I choose to focus on the rat? No, I think there’s a difference. It reminds me that I have a choice to not focus on that but yeah, tip and because I don’t want to I did that for four years of my undergrad and I don’t want to I don’t want that to be my life.
David Ralph [26:50]
Where is your life heading as we’re sitting here because it’s interesting because you in one way It seems a bit floaty like you almost like a twist. On the mighty stream of life and you just go where the comments take you but of course that can only take you so far so do you have like a master plan that you’re working towards now?
Matt Marr [27:11]
Well, you know for me it was and I love that analogy I have i think i i do i do believe in God and the universe so I do think that there is a you know, there are things working that I can’t control or know about, but at the same time, I do believe that it’s, I do really believe in the power of choice and the choice that we have that what makes us different than a lot of other beings on this planet is we have choice. So for me, it’s really been it just solidified I feel like my I’ve always been on the same path that path is just getting anatomy Miss in a good way more focused and narrow, not meaning I couldn’t go off into different directions. But for me, you know, it’s, I started this pot I started my own podcast because I I had a friend I was friends with a guy and he was a filmmaker much more He wanted to make serious films and win Oscars. But again, I started making films with him not necessarily because I wanted to but I there’s that part of me I’m a people pleaser, I’ve always been and, and I’m also what makes me a great therapist is I can put myself in your shoes, but at the same time, if you tell me a good idea, I’ll be like, hey, maybe that sounds good. So I’m lucky that I never got on drugs or anything like that. I’m easily talked into stuff. But he, you know, kind of said he wanted somebody to help him make films and I was like, Well, that sounds fun. And so I did that for about two or three years with him. And then we ended up having a kind of a, it was affecting the friendship and I wanted to salvage the friendship and realise he didn’t care about the friendship and he was done. And it was a blow to me that this person was my best friend and I and one night, loss of friendship, never talked to him again. He didn’t want to speak to me, because he was so upset. But in that, that’s where I kind of again, I was going back to that mute. And I started to do there’s a book by an author called Julie Cohen called the artists way, which is a workbook for artists, or for anyone really about kind of how to connect with creative self. And that’s where I was reminded again about, I was looking at my old journals, and I wrote, I’d like to start a podcast or I should just, you know, talk to people. And I thought, you know, I’m just gonna do what I love to do it in my living room. And if I make money from it great, but if I don’t, I just need to do I just need to have a talk show. That’s what I wanted to do. And so that’s how I started do your Maddy show? I think so. And that was a seminal moment because I was going back to what connected me to joy in my life. And from that, I booked, I booked commercials. I sold a show based on my podcast that we’ve just filmed a pilot for. We’re shopping for networks just in the next few months here in Los Angeles. I mean, it’s blown up to more starting to get more money than I’ve ever done for doing anything else. And that was just for me wanting to just create a show and just create it so I definitely I am Perfect, I think a living example if you’re too scared to, to start your dream, push through it and just start it anyway. And if you don’t know how to start it, just try and start it. Because I mean, I mean, you can relate to this, but some of those first shows, I’m like, Oh my god, what was I doing, Lord help me. But I don’t have that I don’t really have any regret about it, because I’m still just so excited that I jumped. And then I just took Finally, you know, took the investment in myself and my joy.
David Ralph [30:30]
The only show only don’t like is my first ever one. And it’s only because he went out as number two, but it was the first one I ever recorded. And it was only because I wasn’t natural. I I’d created this show in my head of weeks and weeks and weeks leading up to it so I can just hear but every joke I came out with was something I thought about weeks beforehand, and it’s the only one I won’t go back and listen to everything else. Even if they’re not very good. I still go back and listen to him because I love to hear aggression. And that’s what I like about podcasting because you can see the highlights but you can see the lowlights as well. And you don’t get that a lot in sort of business. If you go to the theatre, more often than not, it’s gone through its crappy stage, and it’s been worked on worked up worked up, and you get to a point where you go, Oh, this is good. And in many ways, it sets the bar high. And I think that’s the same in movies. Unless you watch Iron Man three or something not good. But only other films. They’ve worked them way up. But I love the fact that what you’re doing what I’m doing and what so many people are doing now is out there and you can track back it’s so important that people getting going that you can look back and see how crappy we were, and probably still compared to Episode 1000.
Matt Marr [31:45]
Oh, sure. And I think, to me, it’s a lot of one of the best things I’ve ever done and I recommend for everyone, I don’t care what you’re doing, whether you’re a doctor or an actor. Anything I pull a policeman is I’ve done quite a bit of them. prop and that is, you know, one of the main tenets of improv is that instead of thinking about the future, and instead of thinking about the past, is to be in the moment and to listen. And then when someone gives you something, you Yes, and you and it meaning us, if you say if you have an improv scene when someone says, hey, let’s go to the store, if I said, No, well, then the scenes over the energy is dead. But if I say, Yeah, let’s go to the store. And let’s, let’s get a Dr. Pepper while we’re at it. That’s one way I could leave the scene or I say, Yeah, let’s go to the store. And let’s, let’s rob it. Whatever I wanted to say. Then I’m building the scene and we’re creating something together. And I think probably what you were saying is going to listen to this. I have one episode to where I picked a guest, because he had a large Twitter following. I was like, if I get him on the show that’s going to help my show sugar. I mean, I think I lost downloads that month because I had this show where I was being inauthentic I was trying to be something I wasn’t. And I wasn’t being in the moment, I was trying to think about how this would affect the future of show instead of just having the show with him and listening to him and trying to connect with him. It and that was a great lesson in that I, from now on like, I really, I talked to people because I’m genuinely interested in them. And that is kind of the one qualifier I use.
David Ralph [33:23]
So how first somebody’s starting anything, and they’re working really hard, really hard. And as you said earlier, success is not guaranteed by how hard you work.
Unknown Speaker [33:33]
Is their honour.
David Ralph [33:34]
How do they know this is the question I’m coming to how do I know that I need to pivot pivot and stop doing what they’re doing? Because you create something you think it’s gonna work you put all your effort into it. And sometimes you’re you’re one step away from achieving it, but people pivot and if you’ve got any tips for people out there
Matt Marr [33:53]
Yeah, because and I definitely want to clarify and say I’m 1,000,000% believer in hard work, my father You know, he was, he was and is still the hardest working man I’ve known and so to see him, my mother too. And so that was super that is super important to me and I with hard work though I think it’s also matching up hard work with what gives you joy, and an environment of support. So what I would say to people is one if you’re in a situation like I was in my undergraduate degree, where I was kept, kept going through all the steps that everybody was telling me to do, but yet nothing was happening. That’s, that’s a whisper or that’s a you’re the universe yelling at you, you’re putting up a wall. So for me, I think a great way to pivot was to really just listen to really listen to your gut, because that’s what I wasn’t doing. I wasn’t listening. You know, I started probably like around my junior year of college. So like, two years when i when i backtrack, that point of standing in the hallway and hearing those other musicians and going Oh, crap, I don’t feel this. If I bet if I join up the dots from that moment, and I look back, it’s probably about two to two and a half years, where things started telling me this isn’t what you’re wanting to do. Like, I remember like an opera singer talking about how they weren’t ever home and they were home maybe 20 days a year, and that they never could have kids. And that relationship having been in relationship, it’s really hard because you’re never home. And I remember them thinking, I don’t want that. But still, I just kind of kept going. And kind of I didn’t pay attention to the dots. I didn’t pay attention to the every time that my gut went, well, that doesn’t sound like fun or that. That doesn’t sound like what I’d want to do. But everybody’s telling me if I do this, I’ll be success. I’ll be a teacher’s pet. I’ll make straight A’s, which I did, and all that kind of and so for me, for people that are like, Where do I pivot? I really think it is. If you’re in that space where you feel frustrated, then journaling is great because it helps you think more about what your gut is thinking. Also another great step to take is I, you know, whether it’s meditation or mindfulness, just try to really connect with the core of who you are, which for me is that’s the soul. That is, you know, what is connecting you in the universe. And I kept not listening to that soul. I was listening to other people’s voices.
David Ralph [36:20]
Please listen to what Oprah has to say about that.
Unknown Speaker [36:23]
He is the way
Unknown Speaker [36:24]
through the challenge is to get still and ask yourself, what is the next right move?
Unknown Speaker [36:32]
not think about, Oh, I got all of this. What is the next right move? And then from that space, make the next right move, and the next right move and not to be overwhelmed by it because, you know, your life is bigger than that one moment. You know, you’re not defined by what somebody says, is a failure for you because failure is just there to point you in a different direction.
David Ralph [36:56]
He’s saying be quiet and listen to your little voice. Isn’t she?
Matt Marr [37:00]
I tell especially my life coach she is I use that quote all the time. I just told a friend who’s going through a breakup and didn’t know what to do. I literally just said to him two days ago, I said, What is the next best thing you can do for this? And I think that’s so I think that is I use that all the time with clients and myself is it’s making small steps. I think people get in these situations that want to pivot in their life and change things. And they feel like how do I do all of it? No, I think it really is. Again, I’m a big fan of writing out whether it’s list journal, because we get in our head when we’re in our head, that’s a playground for your critic, your critic in your head can say no, that’s not right. No, that’s not real, or No, nobody cares about that. It can tell you all these things that you either learned from your community, your parents were wherever you had negative experience in life. Whereas when you write it out, and you actually see it on paper, that of just again, and what would be a small step. So if you want to, let’s say you want to Work From Home will then write out your goal of I really want to work from home well and then I do a lot of backtracking what is kind of the what is the next thing that what is the thing that I could do to get from my wolf I was working from home I’d be making $5,000 a month. So if I need to make $5,000 a month, then how much do I need to be making a way you can do it that way through monetary because some people it’s easy for them to talk about money first. For others, it’s not. And so that’s really for me What? I did that when I started doing a podcast, as you know, it’s overwhelming. We learned the tech. We’re trying to learn all these different I am not a tech person. My goal in life was to marry is to marry a man who is really good at technology. And amazing it dude is amazing at being an accountant. I didn’t get that. So I had to learn it myself. So
David Ralph [38:48]
you’ve taught me 50% Man, I thought I thought this was a marriage proposal coming my way man.
Matt Marr [38:54]
Well, my boyfriend I don’t know. Yeah, we What can I say? I fell in love with him. And but definitely Yeah, it’s For me, it was that’s what I do with the podcasts have have just kind of backtrack. And then another thing would you’ve talked about this on your, your show and is finding mentors, whether they’re physical mentors or actual and I mean that like, Wonder Woman for me was a mentor that inspired me people like Oprah inspire me. But then I also have, you know, teachers for my graduate degree I have, you know, my drama teacher in high school is still a mentor for me, and I call and ask her for advice all the time. So I think it’s about I think it’s about what the easy way to get clear is to reach out to the people that you know, truly loves you unconditionally, and that support you and want your best interests. And those people often kind of can. If you’re in the storm of I don’t know what to do and freaking out and don’t know where to pivot. They often can give you not necessarily advice but they can give you clarity on what they what they at least have seen from you of what you really are interested in that you’re maybe avoiding
David Ralph [40:00]
Do you know I just remembered Wonder Woman had an invisible plane as well? Didn’t she? That that was enough? Never weird things yet? She sure did. She shared it. How the hell did she fly it? What? How did she find it when she landed it? How did that operate? How can you fly an invisible plane?
Matt Marr [40:18]
And you know, that’s actually I think that’s just gonna be one of God’s mysteries because I don’t that’s never really been explained. And I don’t really know the answer to that as either so.
David Ralph [40:28]
And why wasn’t she invisible when she was in the plane? She you just saw her sitting at sort of 40,000 feet in a in a sea?
Matt Marr [40:36]
Yeah, I think they had on the show. He was like, literally, they put a Barbie doll sitting in this plastic plan. It was it was very low tech. It was before for CGI. Yeah, it wasn’t. Yeah,
David Ralph [40:46]
low tech, low tech, or as we like to say, Star Wars, the prequels. That’s that’s where we’re going to go on that one. So
Unknown Speaker [40:53]
where are you where you
David Ralph [40:54]
are at the moment you seem to be somebody who is creating something that’s uniquely you. Do you think it’s been easier to do it because you’re in LA? Because when you were talking about the podcast and what you’re doing with it in the United Kingdom, I’m still in, you know what a podcast is that you know that thing that you download? People don’t seem to have a clue. Is it easier in LA? When do people understand what that is in in the first place?
Matt Marr [41:22]
They do a deal back in Oklahoma in Texas, there are what a podcast is that a player or you are that are bottom Get it? So yes, it is easier in LA I think just because people are exposed to it, but it’s getting more and more common. And I you know, I think that’s what, you know, Li people would say, oh, would you ever live in other parts of the country again, after moving back? And I think it’s because I needed to find I needed to find support and community. I’m a big proponent of community. I mean, I started a camp, which is about building community and as a psychologist that honestly is What I think is a really does take a village, I think to even support our dreams. And this whole idea which you know, the American dream that you can pick yourself up by your bootstraps by yourself and do it all by yourself. Actually, I don’t believe in that I believe that you need to have support in, in, in fighting for what you love. And so for me, it was I moved to LA because I needed a supportive environment where people didn’t care what I did, where people told me out, weren’t telling me I was going to hell or people weren’t telling me I was a sinner and all this stuff, I needed to build up my confidence in a supportive environment. And so in the same with the podcast, I needed to start a podcast where people actually knew what I was talking about. But now we can go out and I can express myself more and I can be more confident because I built that strength in a supportive environment. And with the same goes for podcasting. I really feel like it more and more people are known about LA and you know, they’re they’re talking more about it with with their family members. And I think that I think podcasts I mean, I remember it was a big deal when my nephew was talking to me about a podcast Who was he was 14 at the time. And I was like, Wow, it’s not like I’ve told him about really my show. I didn’t know I didn’t have a show at the time. But the fact that he knew about a podcast, this little kid from Oklahoma I went, that’s, that’s a different thing. I think it’s a generational thing. Just give yourself about 20 years, and then everybody’s gonna know what you’re doing sugar.
David Ralph [43:26]
Well, my bloody kids won’t listen to my podcast. It annoys me. It annoys me. My son listens to podcast 20 hours a day, when he listened to me. Now, of course, he won’t know. They want to just shut me up somehow. So good, man.
Matt Marr [43:40]
Well, yeah, my brother’s the same way. He’s, I hadn’t listened to one episode. And he said, I liked it. I said, you listen, I’m very close to my brother, but he’s very different to me, like, football loving, Southern guy. And I said, he said, Have you listened to more He’s like, Well, are you gonna talk about sports at all? And I’m like, probably not Bubba you He’s like, well then why would I listen to that? I don’t got time. So I’m with you on that.
David Ralph [44:05]
My wife doesn’t like it. She says, it doesn’t sound like you. And I said, well, Ben is a different me. It’s a different me. I’m not gonna be walking around the house having a voice like this. You’d be locking me up. It’s a totally different performance you’ve got to put on isn’t it?
Matt Marr [44:18]
It is it’s a different skill. Set your button. You know, she should Hey, she should she should try it out. You never know. Like, you got the sexy radio voice use that stuff in the bedroom. Maybe get another kid who listened to your show.
David Ralph [44:31]
We’ve been married for 25 years may it won’t work. Believe me.
Unknown Speaker [44:36]
sexiness in the bedroom.
David Ralph [44:38]
I don’t know where you’re coming up with that idea.
Matt Marr [44:41]
Just bring the microphone that’ll make it sexier. Or really awkward.
David Ralph [44:45]
I don’t know what you’re suggesting. Yeah. Let’s bring the microphone into the bedroom. Yeah, to see this shadow on the wall and wonder what I’m up to? No. Well, let’s let’s move on to the end of it. This is the speaker Steve Jobs did back in 2005 when he told so eloquently about having faith in something. Let’s hear it again, Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs [45:04]
Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.
David Ralph [45:39]
Though, as we always ask Matt, what’s your big dot? When you look back on everything that’s led you to here? What would you say was your story?
Matt Marr [45:49]
For me, my story was, I remember being in fifth grade. And I remember I was very excited. It was at this time of year it was in August and school was starting again. And I really He decided that fifth grade is when people you know, some people start going through puberty. Or you just start to become more aware you’re about to go to middle school next year, where in America you’re changing classes. You’re not in the same homeroom every day or all day. But I was very excited and I thought this year is going to be different because fourth grade was not fun. I got picked on a lot. I thought this is gonna, this year is going to be different. It’s going to be a fun year. I was happy I was optimistic about it. And I’ll never forget walking down the hallway. And I remember the morning sun was coming in through the skylights. It was still like 95 degrees in the summer so I we come in it was I was already a little sweaty. But the breeze the air conditioning felt good on my face. I remember walking by and this one kid walked by he said Welcome back. And he said I don’t want you to believe it. But he said well, but he said the word faggot. He said Welcome back, faggot. And I remember it felt like I got punched in the gut. Cuz I was just so happy and I was so excited for this moment of going back to school. And then he walked by me. But I remember standing there and I kind of one of those moments of, I guess, in the old cartoons where you see the devil or the age or whatever. But for me, I’ve talked about how like, I had this wonderful family growing up, and I kind of have this love bubble. And I heard this voice that I think now probably was God or, or just my, my own little crazy, who knows. But for me, it was it said, Matt, you can either let that person decide what your life is going to be like, or you can do what you want to do. And I just I remember and listen to that. And I remembered that my father is a southern Oklahoma plumber, so he had a mouth on him. So I remember I turned around fifth grade in the hallway, and I looked at him and I, I’m not gonna say that but I told him to eff off and the look on his face and just but more importantly, I didn’t really even pay attention to look on his face. I think said it, and I walked away. And that was a moment where I decided I’m going to listen to my, my inner voice and I’m going to do make choices of my own life. And that I think was when I look back at the one was a choice point in my life where I decided to live my life authentically. Where was that moment? have I gotten away from that? Yeah, I happened in college where, where I was listening to other voices. But that again, that’s what I guess I’m going back to is, what’s the choice point moment in your life, everybody has a moment where we stood up for ourselves, or we stood up for somebody else that in turn, brought us or brought our own sense of self worth, we have that I think often at a very young age. And for me, it was it’s always when when I feel like I’m getting lost in something, I go back to that kid in fifth grade and say, would he do this? Was he listening to the other people’s voice? Or is he listening to his own voice?
David Ralph [48:49]
What a powerful story well, probably one of the most powerful that I’ve heard. Let’s see if that fifth grade kid appears again, because this is the part of the show when we’re going to send you back in time to have a one on one your younger self. And if you could go back in time and speak to the young man, what age would you choose? And what advice would you give? Well, we’re gonna find out because I’m gonna play the theme. And when it fades, you’re up. This is the Sermon on the mind
Unknown Speaker [49:19]
with the best bit of the show.
Matt Marr [49:36]
So I am talking, I’m talking to you, Matt, who is in the middle of you’re 19 years old, you’re, you’re almost about to be 20. You’re in college, and you are in a space where everything your life feels turned upside down. you’re away from home. You’re at college, a place that you’ve never been before. You’re at a huge school. You are starting to realise that You have feelings for other guys. And that, that you feel different. You feel like especially in the south, you feel like you’re weird. You feel like you’re a freak. And you really feel at this point in your life that especially being gay is the worst thing about you. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s what makes you It makes you a terrible person. It makes you unlovable. It makes you unlikable. And I want to say to you, nine, zero, Matt, you don’t know it now. But I promise you, the thing that you think is the greatest detriment in your life, the worst thing you could ever be is actually what is going to save you. If you just become your authentic self, if you truly connect with people like you want to and start by connecting with yourself. And as cliche as it sounds, Matt, if you love yourself, that in turn, that’s going to be what free shoe that being who you are. What gay little weird Wonder Woman obsessed that actually is what’s not only going to save your life but end up saving other people’s lives because you’re able to express yourself authentically
David Ralph [51:12]
man what’s the number one best way that our audience can connect with you sir?
Matt Marr [51:17]
He had Dear Maddie show.com it’s D AR ma TT IE show calm and that’s where you can find out my website and any commercial stuff I do stand up comedy any social media to is the Matt Maher two T’s two RS but if you have an advice question for the show and you want to if if I if I get a question that says, Dear Mattie How do I bring a microphone for sexy time into my bedroom then I know I’m gonna know who wrote it. That’s all I’m saying. Sugar.
David Ralph [51:46]
Yeah, and it probably how do I not bring a microphone into the bedroom. But my disability only showed up my wife bloody listens to and you’ve ruined it. There’s no more children. I might as well tie a knot in the end of it man. It’s finished. You’ve ruined by sex life.
Matt Marr [52:03]
Well, you’re welcome.
David Ralph [52:05]
I think my sex life went when Pompeii went under the ashes many many years ago. I’m sure I’m sharing too much you’ve seen you’ve you’ve given me truth serum. I’m coming out with it. Matt,
Matt Marr [52:16]
thank you so much. I say truth. Oh, thank you so much. This was a joy to do. I love your I really, truly do. I’m so glad I found you. And I’m a subscriber and fan of your show now because it does lift me up.
David Ralph [52:27]
Thank you very much. Thank you so much for spending time with us today. joining up those dots. Please come back again when you have more dots to join up because I do believe that by joining up the dots and connecting our paths is the best way to build our futures. Matt Maher, thank you so much.
Matt Marr finding his voice making choices in his life and and having a good time. I enjoyed him ease conversation. I enjoy the sort of whimsical notion that he has got some kind of library or museum wonderwoman stuff in his house never met anyone like that. But it’s slightly bizarre but that’s what Join Up Dots is all about finding out about these things that you wouldn’t get on other shows. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being part of everything. And I promise you if he’s ruined my sex life and then he’s going down, he is going down. See you again soon. Cheers. Bye.
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